Preparing for the worst

[Len]

Hi, back again if anything. There really isn't a problem at the moment, I'm really happy right now. Some of you may know my story, I'm basically in the scenario of "in-love with best friend who's straight." He knows I'm gay, he's straight as anything straight. He accepts me and loves me for who I am. I happen to be a friend who came into his life in his tough times to make it slightly if not a whole lot easier. I tell him everything, even that I liked him, I get jealous when he talks about girls, or when he talks about his sexual conquests.

 

I'm sort of a depressed person, and I'm sure if I get diagnosed I'll probably be counted as a depressed patient. But at this moment, I'm really happy with the position I'm in with my best friend, I don't know why but I feel a good energy just saying "best friend." but I know things are bound to change, he'll find a girl someday I mean he is 26 years old and very attractive. Thing is he's studying to be a Jehova's Witness, which I support. He's been through so much in his life, that he needs something to guide him at least, and a rule states he can't have premarital sex, which I selfishly agree because if he can follow that rule that'd be a relief for me (he says that's one rule that'll be extremely hard for him trying to keep). I care a lot about him, way too much you can say. I know as a friend I should want him to be happy and such, and when the day he finds love comes, I'll be broken and he'll know it. I just don't know how to prepare for this. I hate how I'm a guy with a supposedly feminine emotion, but not feminine/flaming myself. I get jealous over very tiny things recently like who's he's been texting, though he knows this and just tells me cause he reads me like a book.

 

I just want advice on how I can prepare for this. I know answers might include, get over it, or this is a toxic relationship. Maybe a this guy isn't worth your time sort of thing..I've heard many times from friends and family saying that my time spent on my best friend that benefits me in no way will never turn out well. I know it's true, but I choose not to listen because, having the benefit of trusting someone and talking to someone all the time on the phone or in person about anything is more than enough for me.

[FathomFear]

First of all, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over this. It's common for just about all gays and lesbians at one point to develop a crush on a straight person.

 

It's a skill that takes a long time to develop, but I would just recommend trying to change how you think about straight people. You need to mold your mind such that you don't even start fantasizing about them. If you're able to do that, you can stop stronger feelings from developing.

 

When I first accepted I was gay around 10 years or so ago, I developed a crush on a straight roommate. I had all the feelings you did. Jealousy when he talked about women, etc. Unfortunately, my feelings got in the way of the friendship and it ended poorly.

 

Now, I've managed to not develop feelings for straight guys. I have some extremely attractive straight male friends who I don't even look at sexually any more. I've just trained myself to immediately disregard them in my mind as a "prospect", so to speak.

 

As for your situation, I would focus more on how to detach yourself now vs. how you'll manage the pain when he finally marries or whatnot. Ideally you want to get to the point where you'll be happy for him when he finds a partner--not upset or angry. He is your friend, after all.

[anonymousSAD]

My sympathies. I'm a straight girl in love with my gay best friend but it's the same concept in reverse basically. Good luck! I agree with FathomFear; the big thing is to detach yourself, no matter how great that rush of being in love with someone can be. I deal with it by focusing on myself; my family relationships, other friendships, my personal interests and goals. It's nothing compared to what being with him could be in my mind, but jealousy is not a state I want to live in. It've been working on getting over this for a long time, and I still get jealous of guys and wish I was a boy, but it doesn't consume my life anymore the way it did. I know that may sound like my attachment is probably lesser than yours, but that's not true. He's everything to me - the more I avoid thinking about him, the more I realize how starved I am to see him in the moments that I slip back into thinking about him - but I need to let him be happy and I'm too honest to go on having feelings for him that could put pressure on him or make him feel guilty for hurting me.

[BeatinMyHeart]

Unfortunately I am in the same boat as you. I have really strong feelings for this guy and I love just spending time with him. he is the first straight guy that I can be myself 100% because he knows i am gay. Funny thing is we met at a gay bar and i thought he was gay haha but it turns out he was there for his friend.

 

What I am doing is just think of it as gaining a friend. And just glad that I got to meet him, even if he will never have such feelings for me