How Do I Move On From The Past? (Not Dating Related)

[KeepMe]

It seems that people notice when talking to me I bring up a lot of my past (a good past) and I always have stories and relations that relate back to my childhood. Most people would say that they see a spark and can tell I get quite cheerful when I mention my past. When I talk to others and ask them about their past, majority of the people I talk to actually tell me that they prefer their life now and would never want to go back to a younger time in their life.

 

I understand not everyone had a good previous life and I'm not saying "everything" was good in my life either. There was a time when my father was a previous abuser, my parents were unfaithful to each other, and my sister and my brother would have knock down - dragged out, assault fights on each other. Fortunately I was extremely lucky enough to have a family that cared about me and would put all of these bad emotions down when around me. Everything was masked around me so the only thing I seen through my eyes was perfection.

 

I did start getting a little depressed in my early "almost teen" years, my parents were divorced, my dad was in the Military so I lived with my mom. My mom ended up leaving me to be remarried so I was left with my sister. At times I would get upset because my bestfriend that I ever had always had the perfect family. She had a loving brother and her mother and father were still married and loved each other and was there for her. This made me jealous at times but I remember living my childhood like most children should and that's a "kid". I had friends, I went to school, loved school and ultimately that's all that mattered to me.

 

Now, I've just fallen into depression. All I can seem to think about is the "good ol' life" that I use to have. I find myself holding onto every moment that I possibly can whether it's looking at childhood photos, or looking up things that pertain to my childhood. I get a moment of happiness when I see these things but it goes as quick as it comes and replaces me with a sad feeling. My mother had stacks and stacks of home videos, since my dad was in the military we taped every place we lived and my mom just loved taping her children all the time. I've pretty much remembered all of the lines in the videos and could tell you what happened word for word in each of them.

 

Nobody really knows that this affects me the way that it does, everyone knows that I would do anything to relive my life up to this point now, but nobody knows that I get really hurt when thinking of it. I try to not let it bother me, and I pretty much brush it under the carpet when around others, but I just have this feeling that this stress is growing stronger. Maybe it's because I don't like where I'm at today? Maybe because I'm just not happy in my life right now? I don't know what it is, I just remember being so happy, and things being so much better back then. I don't know what to do, I know what I "should" do and that's probably to quit thinking about my past, and put away all of my "memorabilia" that had to do with my past, but right now I feel that if I did that I would be taking a huge chunk of "me" out.

 

I know it's a problem and I know some of you will probably think I need to see a doctor or a shrink, but I just wanted to vent right now and see if anyone else had any input.

[thebluest]

Thanks for sharing, and really I don't have much experience or wisedom to add that would help you, but I thought I'd just let you know that I read your post and I hope you find a way to feel better. Sometimes, I think we romanticise the past because we selectively remember things and we summarise things up neatly. Whereas everyday life doesn't feel like that, it feels aimless and messy and you can only see the themes when you look backward.

[Someday_Soon]

KeepMe, sometimes I personally have difficulty accepting not just the past, but the fact that time seems to rob us of certain feelings that we can seemingly never get back. It's almost as if you reach a certain point in time that renders the past irrelevant to some degree, and it's like viewing a memory through a looking glass. You can't touch it or feel it, you can see it, but you can't become part of it again. Now let's remember, there are people out there who never even had a good childhood. Many are famous people, who have money, good looks, a vibrant social life, that feel the pain of an abusive past or a broken home, having never experienced unconditional love. I don't think you should put the memorabilia away really. I think the experiences you had during your childhood are very valuable. You cannot buy those, and they are part of who you are and your core values. That is very significant and you should reflect on them with joy, now and in the future.