send letter to ex as closure?? help!!

[Suzanne1281]

Hello, I've written soooo many times about this subject but I need help one more time. My ex cheated on me and I had to break up with him. It was so hard and he still won't admit it fully. Two weeks later we met just to make peace (I'm sorry, but I cannot walk around hating someone, I needed to forgive and move on) and we ended up hooking up, he said he still wnated to see me/missed me etc. I realized the next morning I did NOT want to see him again b/c it would only end up with me hurting. He called once that day but said he was busy at work and would call back that night. He never did. I called one more time because I wanted to tell him we couldn't see each other and that kissing was a mistake. Well he stopped calling and went and slept wiht the girl he cheated on me with again among others. Now I know, he's a scumbag, I'm not going to talk to him, call him, see him, TRUST ME.

But I never got my closure. Yes I messed it up by kissing him. But I NEED closure. Everyone says, move on, keep busy move forward. I am doing ALL OF THIS as hard as I can, I know I have a life going for me and friends who care. But I am traumatized by the death of my father when it comes to not being able to say goodbye. I wrote a letter to the ex today and it felt so good to write it. I ahve not sent it and have not decided if I'm going to.

Please tell me do you think I should send it? Please don't give me the reply, "he's not worth it" "he's not your problem, don't worry about him", I KNOW ALL OF THIS. I am not writing it to him to get him to change his mind or come back to me, I don't want him back. I dont' even care what he thinks, but I think I may feel better to know I at least got out what I wanted to say to him and be done with it. I don't know. Gahhh! Help!

[Gilgamesh]

I am gonna write my "last word" letter before going off om my trip, and will have someone deliver it after I am gone, its going to be a dandy. not nasty, just the truth. she may not want to read it because in her case, the truth would be way to hard to swallow.

 

Do whatever you feel necassary to get closure, so that you can move on, putting it down on paper and sending it to him, get all your thoughts out of your head and into that letter, say everything you need to tell him dont leave anything out. so that when your finished, there is nothing more to say. no reason to contact him again.

 

Letters are great, because Iam sure your like me, you have so many things to say but, when your face to face, you forget 90% of what you wanted to say, and 90% of what you remember comes out wrong.

[ezila]

Closure letters are never a good thing. I know this from experience, having been the authoress of such letters.

 

First of all, if this is an ex, and it's YOU who needs the closue, chances are they won't actually retain - or even READ, for that matter - anything you've thought long and hard about before committing it to paper. It won't matter to them, so it ends up being a waste of your efforts.

 

Secondly, what would you say? "I'm over you"? "You're a jerk"? Writing a closure letter makes it appear as though (a) you're unable to get over it, and (b) you're a loser.

 

And lastly, if your breakup had been particularly nasty, you may even find the ex telling everyone you're a whackjob, or a stalker, or find your letter posted on the internet, or something similarly horrid. Your pain and introspection may only end up being the fodder for someone else's stand-up routine.

 

However good it might feel to get it all off your chest, don't put yourself in that situation; it's not worth it. Trust me.

[Gilgamesh]

not if the letter is saying goodbye, that Iam over you, and hope you have a nice life.

 

The letter does serve a purpose, if its really a closure letter, even if the ex doesnt read it, its a simbolic ritual that helps us get over them. it organizes our thoughts and feelings.

 

And I really dont care what they think of me anyway, the ex is going to believe whatever she wants that makes her comfortable with her actions.

 

And the letter I intend to write if read, will be absorbed into her subconscience. and someday will manifest itself. I may be long gone and married with someone else by then, but the truth has a way of making itself known.

[Quill]

Gilgamesh..... I know where you're coming from, but the fact is if you WERE over them you wouldn't need to send them a letter telling THEM that.... they would know already, in no uncertain terms, by your actions.

 

Dear John letters may seem like a good idea at the time. "Why not?" you think. "I've got all this anger and hurt inside me and they've treated me badly and I've got to let them know how I feel and how dare they...." But writing down all your deepest hurts and thoughts and sending them to someone is never really a good idea, instead of ending your pain, you will perpetuate it. It will not achieve the feeling within you're hoping it will (even though, right now, you think it will).....

 

The point of writing such a letter is for YOUR closure, correct? Yes, it's a symoblic ritual for YOU, THEY, at this point, do not need to know or even care about your inner workings, if they did, they wouldn't have treated you as they did..... if you need to release your negativity onto a page, write your heart out then burn it in a ritual perhaps also involving cards, letter, photos. This is about YOU, not them.... believe me when I tell you after a ritual like this you will walk away with a smile on your face and a skip in your step. Truth is whenever you blame someone for YOUR experiences in life, for how THEY made you feel, you are giving away your power, don't give them anymore than you already have.

 

You will keep your power if you just call him and say, as calmly and as assertively as you possibly can, that you never want to see or hear from him again.... don't wait to have your words questioned or manipulated, say what you have to say and hang up. And then get on with your life. That's the best way I know to achieve closure, keeping your power and energy for YOU.

[Gilgamesh]

I think the confusion is what my intentions are, I have a motive. you see I still believe my ex loves me, she didnt leave me for someone else, its rather long to get into, but, she needs to feel she has lost me or is about to lose me, the letter is basically a goodbye and thank you for the time we spent together, but that Iam leaving and dont know when ill be back.

 

Right now she believes all she has to do is call me and she has me. so the real sense of loss is not felt by her. she has not gone through the pain of the breakup yet.

 

You see one of the reasons she broke up with me is that she was on the rebound, and she was a little disappointed that I had not yet gotten my divorce from my ex (15 years separated) this letter is to explain that I have completed my promise, and that I understand what she was going through (rebound) and the reasons she was angry with me. but Iam not going to ask for her back, she has already offered remaining friends, but I will leave and once she knows Iam gone Iam almost 100% certain that that is what will trigger her breakup pain, which is what needs to happen if she is to heal. once that happens then maybe just maybe we have a chance. I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. but have to give it a try no matter how remote a chance of success.

[Quill]

Yup, I again see where you're coming from Gilgamesh... makes sense... good chance she'll wake up too!.

 

The majority of my thoughts in that reply were intended for Suzanne... hence suggesting she should call him and say what she has to say.

 

Hope things work out for BOTH of you!