JEALOUSY is ruining our relationship!

[lillady898]

I think my jealousy is going to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. I trust him and I know he'd never cheat on me or anything, so I don't know what my problem is.

 

I get jealous and angry whenever he goes over to a friends house, even if they're related, and when girls talk to him (especially really pretty ones). Even if those girls are just friends and that's all, I get so jealous.

 

I don't know what's going on. I think part of the problem is that he says he has to leave me to do something (like sleep), and then goes and does a completely different thing (like go to a friends house). It makes me wonder if he's hiding something.

 

I love him so much, so I hate feeling like this because its completely selfish and I just want him to be happy. He's always clueless whenever I get mad about it, and I don't want to seem like a baby (even though that's how I'm acting), so I never tell him.

 

How can I get over these feelings of jealousy? What should I do? Am I completely wrong for getting jealous?

[under_the_pressure]

Wow, I never thought anyone out there would feel like I do. I feel that same way. Even if my boyfriend says he is going over to his friends house to use the computer, I get 'jealous' but I think it's because his friend gets to see him and I don't. I feel really childish when I feel this way too but I can't control it. I told him about it and I mean I know he isn't going to cheat or lie to me. But I still feel this way. Here lately though, when I start to feel this way I write in my journal or push the feelings aside. Because I know he loves me and I know I can't take away his life because of my jealousy.

I think part of the problem is that he says he has to leave me to do something (like sleep), and then goes and does a completely different thing (like go to a friends house). It makes me wonder if he's hiding something

I've never had that happen. But you aren't completely wrong for feeling this way. It shows we care, maybe you should try to talk to him about it. Good luck and I hoped I helped.

[Luciana]

I know well how you 2 feel. And I am 43 years old! See, when I was in my first relationship in my early 20's I wasn't like that, but now I am with my current BF. We can be more or less jealous in different phases of our lives, and with different men. Men who don't make you feel really cherished and loved make you feel more insecure.

Also, if there are more interesting things in your life going on, you feel more secure and these horrible feelings are smaller.

 

I feel jealous of ANY leisure activity my BF has without me. I feel don't feel jealous of his work, but if it's a dinner out without me, a party or whatever it eats me inside, especially if I am home alone.

 

And I trust him only 80%. The other 20% is because I know how men are when an golden opportunity pops up and I know how other women are too-some evry aggressive!

[Amy_32588]

Well, I had the same thing happen in my last realtionship. I trusted him, but I was always worried he was cheating on me... So, I did what I thought was best was I had a talk with him about how I was feeling. He said he was not cheating, he had no time to cheat. Which turned out to be true... But I was still crazy jealous of EVERYONE. Mostly girls though... I think when I started feeling this way the realtionship started falling apart. I wasn't happy and he could tell. There wasn't a strong trust... So he dumped me. It was hard and it still is because I hear all thing thing that he's doing now... But I won't get into that.

 

If I were you, I would take a look at the realtionship and ask yourself are you really happy being this jealous and worried? I'm not saying break up with him, but maybe talk to him and see where things are and stuff. Be very careful. I'm cautioning you because you situation sounds exactly like the one I was in just a week before he ended it. I don't want you to get hurt... Hope I helped a little.

[slc333]

I'm a guy, and I have struggled with jealousy too. The one thing that gets me about your post is that he is telling you he's going to do one thing, then he goes and does another. In a serious relationship, there is no room for lying. I know how you are feeling because my current gf has done the same thing to me a couple of times. If someone lies to you, how are you supposed to trust them?!?!

 

Anyway, it is important that you stand up for yourself in relationship to any lies that he tells you. That's just disrespectful in my book. And if he's lying to you, why wouldn't you question his motives. It's completely logical for you to feel betrayed if he tells you he's going to go to sleep but then decides to go out. That's totally disrespectful. You should talk to him, mainly about the lies ASAP. Just tell him to be straight with you, otherwise you can't trust him. He should be able to grasp this concept I hope. If he continues to lie about where he's going and what he's doing, it may be time to consider moving on. Nobody deserves to be lied to all the time. He sounds like he could be the kind of person that gets a power trip from making people jealous. He probably eats it up. So, maybe if you start ignoring him if he tries to make you jealous he'll get the message. Or give him a dose of his own medicine on the say one thing do another front. I'd consider that to be a last resort. Lying is not a constructive way to build a relationship.

 

Hope this helps.

[birdgirl]

Maybe he isn't lying, but just changing his mind?

 

I have these jealousy problems, too. If he's at his male friend's house, I'm jealous of that friend. I can't stand when my boyfriends have female friends. I asssume they always want to sleep with their female friends -- even though I have male friends, and I don't want to sleep with my male friends!

 

I don't know how to fix this. I hope I'll get into a loving relationship where I won't be jealous when he's with his friends, but happy that he's having a good time!

[DanRockstar]

Me and my girlfriend are both like this, we both trust each other, but when she's talking with other guys and I have no control it really freaks me out, or when she does things with friends when I should be pleased she's having a good time for some reason it makes me a little agitated.

 

She feels the same, because I decided to talk with her about it, seen as though we both believe we should talk about things and keep the dialogue open in the relationship, and she's just as bad as me, so that's helped, because now we both know we both feel the same, so it doesn't affect me as much anymore.

 

It could be seen as a bad thing there is still jealousy when we have both explained our feelings, but I guess we're both insecure this being our first serious relationship (of 6 months) and both really shy, rather than just being jealous due to mistrust.

[bruind]

hmm... seems like we all have the same issuse here. im one jealous gf, and so is my bf, sometimes even more.

 

he says, i get jealous on petty things, which i shouldnt be jealous. like when he goes out with his guy friends on bars, i cant help but think that he'll meet some new girl there. he used to tell me before that some girls would approach him, talk to him. i still get jealous even though he says he didnt pay attention to them.

 

he as well is so jealous even with my cousin who comes to visit us every weekend. and when i talk to my classmates at school, he's fuming mad.

 

guess we're just one jealous couple... though we say we trust each other

[lillady898]

Yeah, I talked to my boyfriend about my jealousy issues today (without actually using the word 'jealous'). He said I just overreact and I can hang out with guys if I want. And he brought up this whole trust thing, like if I trust him, what's the problem? I just know if I was doing the same thing he'd be upset, even though he says he wouldn't (he had gotten jealous many times before but would never admit it).

 

I talked to him about the whole saying he's leaving to go one place and ending up at another, and he claimed I was overreacting again. He says someone called so he changed his mind. It just is getting a it weird when this is definetly not the first time he's done it... And usually he ends up getting drunk when it happens. Um, I don't know what to do.

 

And I'm scared because I'm going out of town and he may be in the same house as another girl... Yeah. Another girl. Not alone, but maye like 2 or three others. How to deal with this now.... This is fantastic. And I wonder what he'll be doing all the other nights....

[bruind]

hi lil.

 

this is what i see:

 

a.) maybe you're just so paranoid about these things thats why you cant get to trust him that much

 

b.) or there's really something going on behind your back

 

i dont know, i may be wrong on both.

 

however, they say something like when there's smoke, there's always flame underneath it (?)

 

all i can say now is dont be too hard on yourself, dont let jealousy control your mind.

 

just my 2c. hope you get over this soon

[slc333]

I understand your plight like I said before. If he's done this on several occasions, there's a good chance it's not a coincidence. The thing you're describing happened once that i know of in my current relationship about a year ago. When it happened, I immediately told her how it made me feel. She felt a little bad about the way that it looked, and she's never done it since. We're now engaged as well. So there's hope. But, he needs to be willing to be aware of your feelings if you're going to have a long term relationship. It's important to tell him how you feel. If he thinks your feelings are ridiculous and unfounded, that doesn't seem 100% fair to me. He should at least consider the flip side if he were in your shoes. Just keep an open dialogue and give it a little bit of time. But if he continues to ignore your feelings and say he's going to do one thing and then does another, I say you can do better.

 

 

That's only my opinion though.

 

Good luck.

[missie]

Well, I already posted some things about my jealousy problems.

I have exactly the same demons in my head. And for one part I know why: I think my boy is the world, so I think other girls have the same opinion. But I don"t think I am that special, so I really am afraid that my boy, one day, will be approuched by a beautiful, smart, nice girl, and I will loose him.

 

What one of you guys said about being afraid that a boy feels attracted to his female friends. Well, I have the same way of thinking. And then I also say to myself, 'well, I have male friends, and I don't feel attracted to them..., so why should a boy always feel attracted to EVERY girl???' Unfortunately I couldn't convince my demons yet...

 

I thought I was special to my boy, because I am from Belgium and we got together and he sent me a present and that kind of things. But then he told me he has a lot of female friends in Belgium, and all over the world.... and after 'investigating' his mobile phone, I saw a message from one of the belgian girls saying she received his present. So I really felt bad, because I wasn't the only one.

Just to be very clear, this girl is only a friend, nothing more, I am really sure about that (but again, my demons aren't convinced).

I think I have had to much bad experiences with my ex-boyfriends and their female friends. One kissed his female friend when we were two months together, I forgave him, but he went out with her and other friends (without me, because I didn't live in the same place) and I was dying every time, I litteraly got sick of fear, so I broke up.

My second bf was flirting with every girl he met (but that one had a sexual problem, he is now in jail because he raped a girl). Well, lets say I met some bad guys, and that changed my vision of men.

 

Now, I am sure I met a wonderful boy, and I am sure he loves me a lot, and would never cheat on me. But the demons formed during my past relationships are sometimes really upsetting me. I KNOW I have nothing to fear, but unfortunately I have a second voice in my head, that is always whispering 'you never know, be careful'. And that is why I want to know everything, I want to have control.

The last few months I am doing better, I don't talk a lot with my boy about it, he knows how I am, and partly why. And he just told me 'well, you have two options: I tell you when I do things with my female friends, and you feel bad, or I don't tell you...". Well I want him to tell me, because I have to get over this, and if he doesn't tell me, and one day I find out he was keeping thing behind, well, then I will worried and asking myself why he is hiding things for me.

 

Maybe your bf/gf aren't telling you things, because they know you will feel bad, and they don"t realize that sometimes we are searching for prooves that our thoughts are wrong. So tell them to be honest with you, and maybe you will react in a jealous way, but it will be 100 times worse if they hide things and you find out, because your trust will be hurt, and that is the last thing we need.

 

A councellor told me to think at the beautiful, romantic moments with him, every time I have an attack of my demons. Just think about what he/she does for you, and ask yourself "if he/she wouldn't love me, would he do this for me, would he invest that kind of efford in the relationship?", and if you are honest, the answer would be 'no' and you will realize the jealousy has no reason....

It s not always easy, I know, but I think I am doing a lot better then a few months ago.

 

One more tip: don"t go questionning your boy, it is the worst thing you can do, if you feel bad and you feel like questionning, just say you have a headache or I donno what (because obviously he will see you feel bad) and go for a walk and do something, but don't go sit down and worry, and don't go asking him every what, when, how, why 20 times, but he will get sick of it, believe me. Patiency ends somewhere. So don't go ruining your relationship on jealousy, don't let it win.... One day we will get over it.

 

Greets to you all