I'm beyond confused about this man and what we have, please help

[sweet rhythms]

I've posted about my situation before, but it's come to a breaking point.

 

I've been dating a man for almost nine months now. The short story is he's too emotionally messed up for a committed bf/gf relationship, yet what we have is an undefined, monogamous thing. He's been cheated on by many women he's been with and I don't think he likes himself. When he came over drunk one night in December, he admitted he felt like an a**hole because he can't commit to me even though I'm amazing, that I deserve better and I'm wasting my time with him, that if he was my boyfriend, he'd just disappoint me and ruin everything. He sees a therapist because he doesn't understand why he's so jaded and screwed up. He doesn't think love will ever happen for him.

 

I saw him Saturday night and ended up telling him that I didn't know what was going on between us, it's been months and I'm confused and I feel him pulling away. He admitted that on a conscious level he purposely waits days before asking me for plans because he has to remind himself that he can't handle the "obligations." He also said he doesn't invite me out with his friends often because he doesn't consider me as just a friend, and he'd want to devote more of his time with me in that situation, rather than hanging with his friends. He said he'd been thinking lately that every time we hang out, we have sex, and maybe we should get together sometimes without having sex. I asked him if my feelings for him are reciprocated, and he said he cares for me a lot, he enjoys spending time with me and likes me, but he doesn't know what feelings are or how to define them and that maybe he's just "inhuman" that way. He also told me that I'm an anomaly because I've broken through his defenses. The conversation ended by him saying that the ball is in my court.

 

I know I can't continue to see him because he'll never be able to commit to me, yet I have such deep feelings for him and even though he can't admit it, I know he does for me, too. We've gone away together before, and I've seen his walls come down. I know I hold a special place in his heart. I think I need to write him an email letting him know how I feel and that I have no choice but to walk away from this situation.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? I would appreciate any advice.

[jooj]

It's really hard and painful to be in a relationship and have feelings for someone that has been hurt so many times and has given up on love and relationships. I'm going through a similar situation right now with my current bf. He's commited to me and we're in a relationship together. Our problem is that he has been cheated on by every girl he's ever had a relationship with in the past so he got to the point of blaming himself and believing that there's something wrong with him and he thinks he'll never find someone that will commit to him so he decided not to ever get into a relationship again because it's not worth the pain when it happens. When he met me he fell in love with me and wanted to try a relationship for the last time, I did everything I can to make him happy yet his issues came back and now he doesnt call me because he thinks I'm too good for him and that he cant make me happy even though I was so happy with him. He even tried to brake up with me because he doesnt want me to suffer with him. His brother tells me that he's so afraid I'll hurt him so he's withdrawing as a defense mechanism. A friend also told me that the reason he tried to break up with me is because he believes I will leave him or hurt him eventually so if he leaves me the pain will be less than if I leave him.

Anyways this has been going for almost 3 months now and I'm still giving him a chance because he's an amazing man and I love him very much, I just dont know how much longer I can do this because it hurts so much to be ignored and to watch the person you love self destruct.

 

You can pm me if you need to vent or talk