Judochick Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 *sigh* I'm not sure how many of you recall the problem I was having w/my BF...basically, that after he discovered I had taken judo classes in the past, he challenged me to a wrestling match--lost--and then became frustrated and bitter after he repeatedly kept trying to beat me and failed to do so... I got many excellent suggestions from folks on this forum on how to deal w/this--everything from letting him win to trying other contests which he could win to make him feel more "like a man" (even tho' I didn't care that I can beat him at wrestling).... anyway, one suggestion seemed to work for a while--after he challenged me yet again I said "why don't we arm wrestle instead--i'll bet I can beat you at that, too"....(of course I knew I couldn't...he IS pretty strong and i'm just a skinny gal w/ well-toned arms, not a "buff" girl by any stretch), and so we had the arm wrestle, and even tho' I held on for a lot longer than I thought I would, he did beat me (we did right, then left arms and he won both) and that seemed to satisfy him and get his mind off the wrestling matches, and I thought things would return to normal... but then a couple weeks back I ran into a girl friend of mine who I went to college and took judo classes with and she told me she'd been continuing classes at a dojo that's near where I live, and said I should join up--the sensei is great, etc....anyway, after those wrestling contests w/my BF I remembered how much I enjoyed judo and the competition and I told him I wanted to start taking the classes (and even suggested he should join, too) and he just got really mad and said "no way!" and we had this huge fight about it and i basically said "you can't tell me what I can and can't do" and stormed out and now things are really weird and I think he's giving me this ultimatum that if I start judo again he'll break up w/me...well, maybe I should just let him....but I don't know...maybe I am being selfsih about wanting to take classes again--but it's not to make myself so good that he can't ever possibly beat me or make him feel "less of a man" in the relationship as he's implying... any further thoughts from anyone on how I should approach this? Link to comment
sym666 Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Bring your bf to a paediatrician. Chances are good that the problem will solve naturally when he'll be about 14. To him: did you really beat her with both arms? WOW!! =D> Sorry, I can't say anything serious now on this, I' ll try later Link to comment
Free Lancer Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Geez... your boy is acting really childish... He should let you do the Judo... you enjoy it he shouldn't be stopping you from doing what YOU enjoy... I mean big deal you beat him at a wrestling match... All I can think of is "ummm isn't that the point" You've been training for How many months... if you couldn't beat him the lessons would be pointless" The lessons for you probably aren't JUST fun they are a great way to learn self defense... So if you REALLY love him and are willing to sacrifice something that OBVIOUSLY brings you joy... don't start up at the new dojo... But other people really shouldn't stop you from doing what makes you happy... ... There are so many bad experiences in our life we shouldn't cut off the good ones Link to comment
sym666 Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Sorry, I can't say anything serious now on this, I' ll try later Ok, I'll try now: I think that love, at an intellectual level, is a way to communicate. If two person love each other, it may mean that they manage to exchange some kind of information, they learn something from each other. I do not sing very well, my gf is quite clever, instead. So even though I can sometimes envy her, other times think "I'll never have a voice like her", what I do is simply ask her to teach me something. So, when she go to train, I go with her and we use part of the time for me as well. I was incredibly ashamed at first, sometimes I wasn't able to open my mouth at all. But if you really want something..etc..etc You could ask your boy if he wants to learn something on the tecniques you use. He wants to beat you or not? This is a possible way to realize it. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 He is behaving very childish and needs to grow up. WHO CARES, I mean really, so you beat him, he need to GET OVER IT. He needs to accept this situation as fact and let it go, and he needs to show you a bit more respect. If he loves you, he would put his pride on the shelf and support you. What he is doing is childish. If he really will break up with you over this, than he cant love you as much as he says he does. You are in no way being selfish, he is the one being selfish by trying to stop you doing what you love doing because of his stupid pride. Do what you want to do anyway, if he breaks up with you, chances are he'll come back, otherwise, although it will hurt, you'll be better off. Link to comment
Judochick Posted July 30, 2004 Author Share Posted July 30, 2004 Thanks all again... I spoke to him last night and told him that i've decided to take the classes and he can either support my decision or join me in the classes, but that I won't submit to any "emotional blackmail" about either "him or the classes"... I also told him he was acting childish about losing the wrestling matches to me and that his manhood isn't defined by whether he can defeat a trained martial artist (yes, who happens to be a beginner and a girl , but is nevertheless in good shape and athletic and competitive).. I was basically trying to make him realize that, like Freelancer said, I really SHOULD be winning those contests b/c I know the moves to take him down and tire him out and he doesn't. But he just keeps seeing this as a gender issue and keeps saying he can beat me and the only reason I want to take classes is b/c he was getting closer to winning (he wasn't--if anything, the last few times we wrestled I hardly broke a sweat before beating him) and said if I did take the classes the "gloves would be off" and the next time we wrestled he would go all out and wouldn't "take it easy" on me just b/c I'm a girl, and I was like "what IS your problem?"--this is so f---ed up, and we're NOT wrestling any more, and the whole conversation just went south from there..... I kept getting angrier and I'm afraid I even let him bait me enough to say at one point "who do you think you're scaring--you barely beat me at arm wrestling!", which was kind of mean, I admit (he was a little distressed that he didn't just slam me down right away when we arm wrestled..he actually had to work pretty hard to win) and nothing was resolved by the time we hung up.... I think things are kind of hopeless at this point....it's just so crazy how bad things went as soon as he discovered I could beat him at something physical...we NEVER had these problems before! Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 It just shows his childish manner. Your doing the right thing, its your life, not his, if he cant handle being unable to beat someone who is trained to defend themselves in a martial art that uses the opponents power against them, that's his issue, dont make it yours. Good luck, hope it all works out Link to comment
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