Judochick

Thanks all again... I spoke to him last night and told him that i've decided to take the classes and he can either support my decision or join me in the classes, but that I won't submit to any "emotional blackmail" about either "him or the classes"... I also told him he was acting childish about losing the wrestling matches to me and that his manhood isn't defined by whether he can defeat a trained martial artist (yes, who happens to be a beginner and a girl , but is nevertheless in good shape and athletic and competitive).. I was basically trying to make him realize that, like Freelancer said, I really SHOULD be winning those contests b/c I know the moves to take him down and tire him out and he doesn't. But he just keeps seeing this as a gender issue and keeps saying he can beat me and the only reason I want to take classes is b/c he was getting closer to winning (he wasn't--if anything, the last few times we wrestled I hardly broke a sweat before beating him) and said if I did take the classes the "gloves would be off" and the next time we wrestled he would go all out and wouldn't "take it easy" on me just b/c I'm a girl, and I was like "what IS your problem?"--this is so f---ed up, and we're NOT wrestling any more, and the whole conversation just went south from there..... I kept getting angrier and I'm afraid I even let him bait me enough to say at one point "who do you think you're scaring--you barely beat me at arm wrestling!", which was kind of mean, I admit (he was a little distressed that he didn't just slam me down right away when we arm wrestled..he actually had to work pretty hard to win) and nothing was resolved by the time we hung up.... I think things are kind of hopeless at this point....it's just so crazy how bad things went as soon as he discovered I could beat him at something physical...we NEVER had these problems before!

*sigh* I'm not sure how many of you recall the problem I was having w/my BF...basically, that after he discovered I had taken judo classes in the past, he challenged me to a wrestling match--lost--and then became frustrated and bitter after he repeatedly kept trying to beat me and failed to do so... I got many excellent suggestions from folks on this forum on how to deal w/this--everything from letting him win to trying other contests which he could win to make him feel more "like a man" (even tho' I didn't care that I can beat him at wrestling).... anyway, one suggestion seemed to work for a while--after he challenged me yet again I said "why don't we arm wrestle instead--i'll bet I can beat you at that, too"....(of course I knew I couldn't...he IS pretty strong and i'm just a skinny gal w/ well-toned arms, not a "buff" girl by any stretch), and so we had the arm wrestle, and even tho' I held on for a lot longer than I thought I would, he did beat me (we did right, then left arms and he won both) and that seemed to satisfy him and get his mind off the wrestling matches, and I thought things would return to normal... but then a couple weeks back I ran into a girl friend of mine who I went to college and took judo classes with and she told me she'd been continuing classes at a dojo that's near where I live, and said I should join up--the sensei is great, etc....anyway, after those wrestling contests w/my BF I remembered how much I enjoyed judo and the competition and I told him I wanted to start taking the classes (and even suggested he should join, too) and he just got really mad and said "no way!" and we had this huge fight about it and i basically said "you can't tell me what I can and can't do" and stormed out and now things are really weird and I think he's giving me this ultimatum that if I start judo again he'll break up w/me...well, maybe I should just let him....but I don't know...maybe I am being selfsih about wanting to take classes again--but it's not to make myself so good that he can't ever possibly beat me or make him feel "less of a man" in the relationship as he's implying... any further thoughts from anyone on how I should approach this?

Thanks Lifeisgood.....I really like the idea of an arm wrestling match b/c I know he would win, but I think he's really fixated now on beating me at wrestling... After one of our earlier matches (it was maybe like the 3rd time I had beaten him) there was this kind of awkward silence afterwards and I tried to fill the gap by saying "well, this makes up for my complete lack of skills at basketball!" b/c we used to play these mock "one on one" games in which he'd basically just go around me and score at will (he is a good b-ball player) but he wasn't biting on that as a way to get around the embarrassment of getting pinned by me... I'm all for doing ANY other sport w/him at this point but I think it's really up to him...I'll try challenging him to an arm wrestle, tho', and see if he goes for it

Wow...thanks you guys for your kind words...what actually makes me feel so much better is that you both confirm i'm not some kind of freak b/c I can defeat my guy in a physical contest (I was starting to feel that way ...Woobie, i'm betting you are waaaay more accomplished in karate than I am in judo--I earned a first level yellow belt after my classes in college but you actually defeated a guy in competition who ALSO had training! That's amazing! So cool....I wonder , have you ever encountered problems w/guys, whether BF's or just guy friends, who wanted to challenge you? It just seems like when guys find out a girl has some fighting skills they immediatley want to challenge them... and Computer Guy, thanks so much for your suggestion..I actually did try to --ahem--start things, one time after I had pinned my guy, but he's so totally freaked by losing to a girl that he was just like "get off me!" and was clearly not seeing the erotic potential....so stupid! I mean. i'm not meaning to brag, but I am pretty easy on the eyes, and if you're going to get pinned down by a girl, why not take advantage is she's pretty good looking? (again, i apologize if this sounds conceited, but I just can't believe he's not into this as a fun kind of pre-sexual romp!) also, do you mind if I ask about your GF (or is it ex?) who you say used to beat you at wrestling as well? Did she have any wrestling or martial arts training or was she just really strong? Again, i'm just hoping to feel less "freakish" (and less guilty) about my skills, b/c I know this is an unusual situation....Thanks!

This is going to sound so stupid but it's become a real problem and i'd love some advice! I forget how we got on the subject but about a month ago it came to my BF's attention that I had taken a year's worth of judo classes in college (I graduated a year ago) ...anyway he thought this was hysterical and teased me about it, called me "judogirl" and such, and I was OK w/it, but then he made the mistake of challenging me to a wrestling match...and I beat him. > > I actually thought it was fun, (and even a little sexy > when I pinned him) but his ego was instantly bruised and since then he's challenged me to several other "bouts", and no matter how hard he tries, i've beaten him every time. I understand what he's going through, b/c I'm not at all a "big" girl; I'm tall but thin and I'm not muscular (although I do have very strong legs from jogging)and he's a pretty athletic guy w/a significant weight advantage over me. He just can't deal w/that fact that he's getting thrown to the floor and pinned by a girl, even when I explain to him that my judo skills give me a real advantage despite the fact that he's bigger and stronger. > > The last few times he's challenged me i've refused to wrestle b/c i'm sick of his pouty, mean attitude when he loses; he just becomes a real jerk and it's no fun, but refusing to wrestle him just makes him more > frustrated and angry. I did suggest that we take some classes together so we can be on a more even playing field but he said "I don't need to know judo to beat you--you're just getting lucky"...how pathetic is that?? > > I don't know what to do--should I just fake it and let him win? I'd rather he be proud of my skills, and > frankly after growing up as "the pretty girl" who was expected to do nothing more athletic than cheerleading while my brothers starred in varsity sports, i'm kind of proud that i'm actually good enough at a martial arts form that I can defeat a guy (I also told him > that I had won some sparring matches in college > against boys--not many but some--but that didn't seem to help)... > I know this seems silly but it's affecting our relationship and I could really use some advice. Thanks...