cardinalsings Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 My ex and I broke up 3 months ago (we had a 4 yr relationship) and on top of it, he broke up with me. My good friend who is also his friend sees him every week because he performs shows at the same playhouse where she does. She will have a performance soon and asked me to come see her, BUT my ex is playing the main part. I would have to see him constantly on the stage and then talk to/wave at/hug? (who knows)/shake hands?/congratulate him after and just be and feel awkward by not having enough people to talk to after the show....and just by being there. I also am quite worried he will think I came to be a jerk and make him notice me, and I'll have to deal with other people there thinking that too maybe. This place is his territory and I would be willingly walking into a lot of fear....fear what he will think, fear what others will think of me attending, fear that I will look like a jerk, and especially, fear that I could actually end up looking like I'm not over the break up and look embarassed, shy or nervous and not be able to hide my pain/fear/nervousness. At the same time, a part of me wonders if I go, that I will get hopeful since we haven't spoken in a while and think that it could open the door to communication and make him want to be with me again.... I don't know whether it could be a huge mistake or since I'm sure I could decently pull off showing courage and nonchalance and the new me, it could be a good idea? Do I go? Problem is, my friend will probably perform again in the near future and chances are he will be in the next show she does too so I can't keep giving excuses and turning the other direction from my friend forever....I can at least get out of seeing her perform this time if I decide to not go....I don't think whether I go now or later on in a month or two matters because I will still probably be just as nervous and embarassed to be there. Link to comment
wai Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 don't go! you sounds like you are not over the break up yet. If you are, you don't care what he thinks anymore. your friend will understand if you explain it to her. In future, if you wanna go, you can only when you don't care what he thinks anymore. Link to comment
superfox Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Hmm..your friend asked you! I think you should go to see your pal. I would explain to your friend how awkward it's going to be and if she/he would be so kind as to not leave you standing like a lemon at the end. Spend the week before making yourself look fabulous, go along with your head held high, congratulate them all afterwards then walk out with your dignity as you can't stay due to a 'prior arrangement'. You can't keep avoiding supporting your friend because he's going to be there, chances are you'll bump into him sometime or other so let it be on your terms where you know he'll be there and not a surprise. Yeah, I know this goes against all ENA advice but that's what I'd do Link to comment
cardinalsings Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 The performance is for this weekend so I don't really have enough time left to look fabulous....I'm feeling pretty crappy this week too. And this is the week of Valentine's day aftermath haha....which could work for me if he sees me or against me if he has someone in his life now who he is thinking of in a special way. Is there a chance that seeing me too soon like this only 3 months later with my dignity and being nice and casual and civil will actually be too soon to break no contact? Will it make him not want to be with me all over again? Or could it be a good thing that he sees me the week of valentine time and will be reminded of our great valentine's days.....maybe? OH and oddly enough the day I can attend will be the day after we broke up three months ago and also our anniversary oddly enough... Link to comment
superfox Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 The performance is for this weekend so I don't really have enough time left to look fabulous....I'm feeling pretty crappy this week too. And this is the week of Valentine's day aftermath haha....which could work for me if he sees me or against me if he has someone in his life now who he is thinking of in a special way. Is there a chance that seeing me too soon like this only 3 months later with my dignity and being nice and casual and civil will actually be too soon to break no contact? Will it make him not want to be with me all over again? Or could it be a good thing that he sees me the week of valentine time and will be reminded of our great valentine's days.....maybe? I think you should go with the sole intention of ONLY supporting and seeing your friend, your ex isn't why you're there. I've bumped into exes after no contact for months and it's been polite, civil and they've always been left wondering (whether dumped or dumpee). You just need to congratulate him, say it's nice to see you then make sure your friend steps in to introduce you to someone else in the play. And you have plenty of time to look fabulous! Link to comment
cardinalsings Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 one thing I failed to mention is that it's a kid's show and the whole cast has to stand and sign their names for each kid right after the show. So I have no choice but to stand alone like a lemon...and watch. i had to do it last time i went to see their show a month ago but my ex wasn't in it....and i had to stand and watch until they were done signing their names and then i gave them hugs and congratulated once there was almost no one left.... i've done a show there before too so i know you have to wait til they are done with the kids and there is no one left.....then you get to say hello. also, i have no one to bring to it since it's in the early morning...i'm hoping my friend has another friend attending that morning that i can sit and chat with....but it's possible she doesn't. so the probelm is, i'd be left with me and like 5 people in the cast.....alone. saying hello....awkwardly....because all the kids and parents are gone and there is just the cast left. i could possibly just wave and say congratualtoins to them from afar and say i have to get going and walk out....that could work? but may look odd and obvious.... Link to comment
superfox Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Morning show? Then you HAVE to leave early due to a lunch appointment... If ex asks your friend why you had to leave then get him/her to say that. I think dignity overrules NC sometimes, your friend asked for support. If you don't go this time you will have to go at some point in the future, don't let him spoil this friendship for you. If you can't stand going now then send a card congratulating them all or wishing them luck so they get it but you can't make it due to something or other. Then have a bath and a glass of wine. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 If it was me, I'd probably go out of pride because I wouldn't want to feel like an ex could keep me from doing something I wanted to do, but everyone is different. If you want to go, then who cares what they think. Link to comment
cardinalsings Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I actually am really scared to go and would rather avoid it because I'm actually terrified to see my ex. I'm scared I'll cry after or I'll see he is happier and different and not the boy I still am in love with. And the whole uncomfortable experience is something I dread, but the same situation will probably arise again in the future so I'll have to get over the uncomfortable feeling. I feel like I'm weighing this on being a make or break time right now. Like if I don't go...we will further not be in contact to the point where he will completely forget about me, move on, and find someone new. But this could be my one chance to see him since the break and maybe if I go....since it's a good amount of time that has passed and since I haven't contacted him (except that we are facebook friends) and since I haven't responded to him Liking my statuses and photos on facebook the few times he did that after we broke up....and then I show up with my dignity and seem nice and happy and nonchalant and quickly leave....it could have a good effect? And open something up so he could want to be with me again? Because I do want him back. But I'm hesitant to try anything because I heard that he told a friend that even if I fully changed, he would not want to be with me again. I'm scared his heart is completely closed to me as it is so seeing me won't work or will make it worse. Link to comment
fwdthinker Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I think you should make healing yourself your number one priority right now. So if that is the goal... What would you do? Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 If you have healed from the break up, I'd say go and let him see the new you, but you haven't, so I'd have to say you shouldn't go on that regard. If your friend is real, she'd understand the reasoning, even if you turn her down a hundred times. You're simply not ready to see your ex yet. Besides, seeing him could invoke feelings of false hope, which indeed, would be akin to starting the break up all over again. As fwdthinker says, healing yourself is your priority. Link to comment
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