Trying to "buy" affection?

[cbh1979]

When does buying gifts for someone you 'like-like' go from thoughtful to simply trying to buy affection? A friend of mine met this really sweet, thoughtful guy several months ago. After having breakfast with him, though, my friend decided she wasn't interested in pursuing anything beyond that. They've hung out fairly frequently since, just as friends, but he's continued to pour on the pressure by giving her stuff. He met her at the park one morning a couple weeks ago with tea, and her favorite sweetener...not a big deal, but she was a little uncomfortable. Since, he's gotten her tickets to see her favorite musician in concert (not very expensive)...that was fro Valentines. For her birthday, he got her what looks to be like an expensive desk chair for her workplace.

 

She thinks he's on the same page as she is, and says that he claims he goes overboard with a lot of people he knows. I, on the other hand, think she's being naive, and that he's trying to buy her affection. As a guy, I know that's what guys sometimes do. I've told her that I think he's most definitely not on the same page and still wants more. What do you think? Any thoughts, particualarly from females?

[Jd1983]

If they're strictly friends, then he wouldn't feel the need to constantly buy her things.

 

Guys aren't just going to buy you something just for the sake of it. Obviously he wants something more from her. Why else would he feel the need to spend his money to impress her?

 

Regardless of the fact, if she's not comfortable with it, then she needs to tell him straight up that she appreciates his thoughtful gesture, but she doesn't feel comfortable with accepting his gifts, considering they are strictly friends.

 

A coffee, I get but an expensive desk chair? I don't think so.

[cbh1979]

No, guys aren't, and I've tried to tell her that. Part of me thinks she just likes getting the stuff, and the attention, so she doesn't want to really put the kibosh on it. She also says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, as she just doesn't like him in that way, but I think she's leading him on and his feelings will be hurt far worse in the process. The fact she admitted she was a little uncomfortable with tea and sweetener speaks volumes...but, today, she said she was perfectly OK with the expensive desk chair, because HE says he does that kind of thing for all his friends. It's just his "nature", and it's not about her. I don't think so.

[cbh1979]

Oh, and he also invited her over to his house to watch a DVD and have some wine this afternoon. She accepted, still saying she thought he knew where things stood.

[Jd1983]

^ Movie night & wine? Sounds like a date to me.

 

Yes, she's probably a little naive to think that he strictly wants to be platonic friends.

 

Out of curiosity? Do you like her?

[cbh1979]

I adore her...but just as a friend. Honest. I know I sound like I like her or whatever, but that's not it...I'm just wondering if I'm mistaken and the gift giving isn't that unusual for friends. We're hanging out on Friday, and I'm sure this dude will come up in conversation...I want to tell her that she should talk to him, because none of the gifts have changed how she feels about him, and it seems wrong to continue to accpet them.

[Jd1983]

No you're not mistaken.

 

If she has no feelings for him, then she shouldn't be accepting his gifts, because it really gives him the wrong impression.

 

Secondly, guys will not take the time out to do so much for a 'friend' if they didn't like them. I had guy friends who I was close to, and while they would buy me lunch from time to time or paid for dinner, that's as far as it went.

[cbh1979]

I think she really enjoys the attention, because she's said no man has ever gone to such lengths before. Not even the the guy she married and divorced years ago. But, she is leading him on...I know that if I was giving a girl things, and she was accepting invitations to my house for a movie and wine, I'd think I had a shot with her. Bu, she's repeatedly said she doesn't like him that way.

 

She and I hang out about once a week or so...we both pay for our own meals and movie tickets, or whatever we're doing. I've picked up the check a few times, but only on certain occasions. And, though I've known her longer than he has, for her birthday I got her a card and a DVD. I'd do a WHOLE lot more if I was interested in her...but, with him, she doesn't see it. Or doesn't want to.

[geekgirl4]

She's basking on the material based attention he's giving her. And it's not right of her to exploit him like that, even if he says its ok. She's leading him on and this is going to run in a bad direction. If you've already told her what you think of the situation, then there's nothing more you can do. She's an adult and she has the right to do whatever she wants. You might run the risk of losing her friendship if you keep pressing the issue. She probably knows its wrong but enjoys it too much to stop. And yes, wine and a movie together at night IS a very sketchy situation for "friends" to do. Especially one that is clear that he is interested.