Drake's Journal.

[Drake7]

I have had a lot of time lately to look over my life.

 

This is a point form version of it. Crude and mostly unedited.

 

I look at all the things I have been through, all the people I have interacted with along the way. I have only been on the earth 22 years but I feel Ive been through more hardship than the average person. Because of this, my soul and my life have been so deeply scarred I hardly know how to live a normal life.

 

I was born in a city and lived there for about seven years of my life. I did have problems there, I was over weight and very shy, but it didn't stop me from being happy. I was a very caring kid, I would give things away not caring about any type of reward in return. I would befriend everyone regardless circumstances. I think I regard my early childhood as the happiest days of my life.

 

My father had lost out an a very profitable job and as a result went into an alcoholic rampage. My mother got the worst of it, luckily my sister and I got little of it. My father was never around so in a way I was raised by my older sister and mother. We lived in a bad neighborhood by that time, we were broken into and even had a murderer living three doors down.

 

My parents had enough, my dad was offered a job in northern Alberta. The move was swift, I was picked up one day from school not knowing what was happening, before I knew it I was in a strange new place. I was so terrified, the kids there were really mean and too different from what I was used too. I never did fit in with any type of crowd other than the kids from broken homes.

 

High school was a complete nightmare, I had few friends and no girl would come within 10 feet of me. I wanted to date badly but I just couldn't understand why no one wanted me. At some point I was accused of a really horrible crime by a relative. In such cases the accused always loses. I had to serve the punishment of a crime most adults end up serve life for. People tortured me constantly at that point and the nice little boy I might of been was destroyed. I didn't do drugs or anything like my friends but I adopted a very rough personality to scare people away.

 

Near the end of high school I was diagnosed with cancer.. Thing is I was so broken by that point I hardly cared. I remember telling a friend he could have all my stuff if I died in surgery. When I awoke from the surgery I was very angry, but the disorientation and pain subdued it a bit. Recovery was hard and it took a long time to go back to "normal." Kids still tortured me knowing full well of what was wrong with me, so I became even more volatile. In the end I lost most my friends at that point.

 

By graduation I was single and a complete mess. I did not go to my graduation party. I did not want to see all the other couples happy, I knew if I did I would probably of killed myself that night. My best friend at the time was going through a bad break up and I played the middle man. This cost me his friendship but I gained the friendship of his ex. A girl I liked since I was maybe 14, I comforted her and in so she fell in love with me. She was one of the few people who would even say hi to me in the hall way. It was probably the earliest sign of her love.

 

She helped me through the cancer but enabled me to sulk around and do nothing. By age 22 I had absolutely no achievements in life. We were together 4 years by this time and so she took out her problems on me. She blamed me for her problems in life as well as my own. At one point we were so in love, I almost felt like we were already married because I felt she would never forsake me. We wanted kids and to get married but now.. none of that is going to happen. After she left me I looked at all the signs and realized she probably never did love me.. I don't know for sure.

 

When she left there was NC, I tried to reach out to her twice and I got threats from her family. How did I become the bad guy??? The break up was over the phone near the end of the call it sounded like we would talk more on it even maybe the next day but now that I realize, she probably lied over the phone to shut me up. To lead me on thinking things would work out. Her sister sent me a message about my ex's feelings and it was not the same as what I heard over the phone. I don't know who told the truth at this point.. do I believe my ex or her sister. The sisters message was extremely critical, she judged me for everything without considering I had such a hard time with life.. what a horrible person.. My ex told me she would not date anyone and was going to work on herself for now.

 

I found out hardly even five days after the break she was already trying to date people... I was furious, is she really just trying to meet new people? Or did I never exist and is she just going for the first guy she can find? I don't feel she ever loved me at this point to discard me like this.. She was on a dating site, her profile was utter lies. Longest relationship 3 years?? Wow I must not of meant much to her.. Apparently she was even a smoker.. I wonder for how long... I think maybe shes picking up destructive behaviors over the break up but why??? Does she regret it?? Does she hate herself for hurt me?? I don't know. I fight the urge to message her on the dating sites and tell her something like "OH so this is the truth huh? Have fun becoming a free escort service, I hope you burn for this." But I restrain myself, I wont go down to her level.

 

I know its it over, It has to be right? Why would she ever come talk to me ever again?? Her sister and herself told me she would be back when she was ready but when is that going to happen?? How can they expect me to wait forever?? I find myself completely lost, I can hardly believe its over, I thought she was the one thing I could always count on being there but shes gone now.. I did nothing wrong, I never hurt her I was always there for her, I loved her deeply and she said to me she couldn't feel it anymore.

 

I have always been a good man. I believe in chivalry, its my duty to protect the weak, to respect people and their wishes. I honor women, I figured my type of behavior is what they go crazy for. Yet.. I am single and my first relationship was almost stolen from another man. I just don't get how a guy like me could have such a hard time finding a real woman to marry one day. Maybe its because im physically unattractive.. I don't know. I have never really stopped to ask someone what they thought of my appearance. Not even my ex! I can't remember a time she ever complimented me. If I ever complimented her she would say "Suuuure.. right I am fat and ugly." She was very insecure, and VERY jealous. I couldn't say Hi to a girl without being interrogated by her. If I did not text her back she would accuse me of cheating.. I thought it was just jokes but she really didn't trust me..

 

Now that I am on my own I realize a part of my life is over. The cancer was beaten, and in a way maybe she was part of the illness.. I a free now to live my own life. She never asked me what I wanted to do, and even if she did at times she would deflect my wishes. If I wanted to move somewhere specific she would threaten me that she would leave. I had to do things compatible with her life.. and so I was miserable with the few choices I had in jobs. I wish so badly for a second chance because I do love her but its not going to happen.. I try to dismiss my love for her but in a way I also dismiss myself. I look in the mirror asking who I am, I have no answer. Am I the nice little boy from Winnipeg? Or the hateful villain that manifested in the 15 years I have lived in this small town?

 

Everyone tells me this is for the best.. I know its for the best but I don't want to believe it. I feel like a blank sheet, but I hardly know what to write. I am free of a lot of demons from my past but I hardly know how to live now. I wan't a nice career, I wan't to travel the world. Most of all I want to share it with someone who truly loves me for who I am. I hardly know how to start, I am scared I will be successful financially but alone. The future is so uncertain, I will be moving to a city by maybe the end of June. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if I can even make it till June. I want so badly to be happy because I believe I deserve it.

 

I am just so lost now, all days before 2011 seem like nothing but an illusion now.

[Drake7]

Febuary 12, 2011. Aproximately 2:00am.

 

Went to the local bars with a friend. He ended up inviting two girls with him, I tried to socialize with one of them but I couldn't. When I tried all I could think of was you.. I just don't know how I am supposed to date again. I am not a high school kid anymore I just don't have the same appeal anymore.

 

I sat around seeing all the other couples enjoying their night. When ever I saw some of them making out it depressed me further. I remember when I used to make out with you at the bar.. I thought to myself, "hmm.. well thats never going to happen again.." I saw the booth where we usually sat, where you would hold my hand.. The memories cut me deep tonight. I thought I was over you.. I never wanted our love to end.. I wasn't ready so how can I ever forget you. I can't win you back.. because you hate me now for no reason. If I showed up at your door you would probably call the cops on me and that hurts me so badly. The person I loved with every inch of my soul now hates me, there is no worse pain. How did I become the villain when I was all she had.. her hero.

 

You are no longer in my life.. you live about 400km away. Yet.. we had so much fun together in this town that you are everywhere. I can not go anywhere in this town to be away from your memory. My house is the worst, we spent so much time together here. I am going out of my mind. I drank a lot at the bar to help forget you. I wanted to hit on every girl there I could but I am simply not that charismatic.. I don't know what to do. The memories cloud my mind, sometimes I almost feel like we are still together but its over.. Its over forever isn't it? I'm not religious but I would pay any price and give up everything I own, even my life to spend just one last day with you. I would die happy then.

 

I won't be out of this town till maybe.. August. How am I supposed to survive till then?? I know it will be easier in the new city but for now.. Im suffering. I want so badly to see you but I can't. The call will never come.. the email won't either. I want to hold on to the hope when your sister told me you would talk to me when your ready... but when will that happen??? When your with another man and happy?? If thats the case I will probably snap and kill myself. Accept my shame of defeat like a samurai.

 

 

I'm strong but not this strong.

[Drake7]

February 13th, 2011... Early Morning.

 

Saturday(12) was a nightmare. After the bar incident I did not get to sleep until 5am. I woke at about 10am and felt horrible. I am not getting enough sleep and I feel like I am slipping away. I find myself saying and doing thing I usually don't do, or sometimes stuff I would do at age 16.. I don't know who I am anymore. I sometimes feel like now that I am single I can rewrite who I am, maybe to impress a new woman. I don't know how to be myself because I don't think I have ever been anyone. I just absorb other people's behaviors to try to fit in and it never works. Lately I have been drifting between two personas.

 

One is what I perceive as a biker type, a rough man with a rough past. No future no direction and simply no care for anything. When I try to be this person I am very nonchalant, yet I let people know I am not to be messed with. I used this person to get through high school without incident. It actually attracted my ex, but she saw through it to my other persona.

 

The other is a nice guy, following chivalry. The type of guy most girls fantasize about being with. I would always tell the truth and always stick to my word. I would go out of my way to help people, never wanting a reward. I was that guy for a very long time but after it failed me I almost abandoned it. It kept my ex around for a few years but in the end was not enough for her. She got bored of me.. she needs to realize this isn't high school romance anymore. Does she even realize she has probably ruined my life? Does she even care?.. She sure doesn't show it. There is NC so at this point I can only assume I am nothing to her. My mind is going wild.

 

I would get so into the personas that I would sometimes get in trouble with the law, or in the other case fall in love. I have never been a bad person, sure I have made mistakes and hurt people along the way. I am not perfect and I do not strive to be. Being the better man is easier for me but as a result I tend to be more shy. I just can't talk to girls, I am unattractive to them or intimidating. Outside of a Bar I have no clue where to meet an honest woman. I hear stories of people finding true love at college, Work, vacation but all those ways just seem outlandish for me in a way. I hate being alone, I absolutely hate it. The few friends and family I do have do not make it better. Being around new people just makes moving on harder for me.

 

I just don't know what is going to come first, me losing my mind completely. Or spontaneously moving on and being happy one day out of the blue. I want her back, I would gladly spend eternity burning in hell just to spend the remaining years of my life with her. Little did I realize, I pretty much have been living in hell, and maybe she was the devil.

 

People tell me its better the relationship ended. Her feelings for me ended a long time ago but she stayed because of pity(as far as I know.), her leaving soon after I was "cursed" of cancer seemed suspicious. I hate her for that. We were from two very different walks of life. She from a rich family, me from a once rich family that is now poor. her family poisoned her to me, she deserved a house wife fantasy apparently, where as I wanted a fairy tale love story. I thought she wanted it too but in the end she sided with her mother and dumped me. It was all just a fantasy wasn't it? at this point I have a hard time even justifying we ever happened. Feels like a horrible dream I couldn't wake up from. It all feels like it was staged, or faked.

 

Our paths in the last year were at a crossroads. She would not go with me, and I could not go with her.. She wouldn't let me.. Regardless my love for her remains, I let her hurt me because I love her so much. Still, part of me hates her for what shes done and hates her for forgetting me. One second I miss her thinking of how much I love her and how I would do literally anything to win her back. The next I hate her, knowing nothing I do will get her back and she has forsaken me, and its all her fault.

 

I'm so conflicted now. Do I go to her to try to win her heart back in some sort of romantic plot? Or do I just go on living. Try to move on and find someone new? I hardly know how I will ever find a new lover. I do have confidence, somewhere, but when girls shun me for my looks or just walk away every time it makes things very difficult. At this point this forum is the only place I can truly vent my feelings.

 

I am a true hopeless romantic. Hopeless in the sense that love may never find me again. Potentially dieing of cancer was certain, but losing her was never something I thought could happen. But it did happen... I feel like pulling my hair out over this..

 

Heres hoping I make it another week.

[Drake7]

February 14th 2011. Morning.

 

The more days that pass, the more I realize you won't be back. I still ask myself in puzzlement what happen??? What could I have done that pushed you so far away. You claimed to be so unhappy for so long, you knew the risks of dating me in my condition. I read an old email from 2008, we were so happy then, but were you really??? You told me you were miserable since the first year... The email sounded true. You admitted to so many thing that are factors in your sorrow now. Your mother abuses you yet you went for her in the end.

 

You and your family are so horrible, you give me false hope of your return.. you won't be back.. how could you come back? Was our love all a lie or was your phone call the lie?? Do you still love me or have you really lost your mind? I don't get how people can go NC for so long then just show up one day, its complete metaphoric garbage. No one but your sister seems to understand what truly has happened. She has poisoned you to me because she is a horrible person deep down. She does not understand that people have different lives and some of them take us down different paths. You forgot all that and have forsaken our amazing love and for what??

 

I feel I will never get peace in this. When I sent you the letters you wrote me so long ago about our love you sent your sister and mother after me.. I never abused you like your exs did. I never harassed you for years, yet you treat me like one of them. Do I mean so little to you?? Can you even feel anymore?? I haven't contacted you since, to try to prove I respected you. As much as I love you I hope you get knocked back a lot in the months or years to come, I hope you realize you threw away one of your only chances at true love.

 

You told me so many lies it seems, and you had the nerve to tell me I had been leading you on with promises all these years. My only real promise was to get better and to marry you, give you the best life I could, but in the end you didn't want the commitment. Your just childish, so grow up. Your mad that a cancer patient didn't shower you with a house wife fantasy? You knew the risks. Am I the only sane person left? Is society so pathetic that we need to attack cancer survivors now? Your crazy now, and maybe you were never worth it but I don't care because I know what love is and I loved you. If you come back, which at this point I know won't happen, I will do better. However my therapist claims I am a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse from you. What I am feeling is mostly guilt and withdrawal from not having you around anymore.

 

I still can't believe you have done this to me, but you have. The one thing in my life I thought i would never lose is now gone. I truly do hope you run into a bad patch, your life in the new city has already been strained. I know it will get worse, and worse, and after you get abused some more because your choice of men is usually pathetic. Your going to go back to your usual trick of being with who ever is there at the time. You made so much progress from depression and destruction but now you've fallen back down. You can't do this as an adult, so now you will end up getting used and maybe even raped again.. The new city you live in is a hell hole, you will never get a better job, and your bound to get hurt bad.

 

I want so bad to be there when you fall, I can't say for sure if I will catch you or not. I would love to pick you up buts its over isn't it? I hate knowing its come down to this but it has. I want you to remember me, remember the pain you have put me through, forever. I hope my memory torments you like you torment me. I have no way of knowing if you are hurting now, I can only assume you are due to some signs. If you are human you have to be in pain, who in their right mind leaves a 4 year commitment at the drop of a hat without pain? You smoke now, because of the stress of leaving me? Did you always smoke? I don't know. You were on dating sites so fast, probably trying your best to replace me so you can rebound and move on.

 

Your going to realize there is no replacement for me, so go have your rebound guy. You will realize no guy will ever be able to love you and treat you as well as I did. You are too abusive and now in our age group men will not tolerate it in early dating stages. Needless to say I am done ranting about the same stuff, I relive the break up everyday. I try to reword it like I am changing history.. I think of how else I would have said things to you. No, its over and I can't change anything because in the end I did nothing wrong. Its not my fault cancer got the better of me, you knew the risks of dating me four years ago.

 

I think I will celebrate today as a new holiday, an end to abusive lovers day.

[rocio]

Which new city are you moving to?

[Periwinkle.]

Drake you are a lovely person...you should be with someone who will stick by your side in hard times i say move on from her..

[Drake7]

- I am moving to Vancouver BC. The cost of living is high, but my sister is there and she is prospering. My current residence is filled with 15 years of bad memories, of the cancer, teenage legal issues, and of my ex. A good time to leave I think.

 

-I want to be with someone who will stick with me no matter what, I really do. Problem is I have very low self esteem. I consider myself unattractive and when I met her I figured it was her, or nothing. I was desperate for a relationship at age 18, the cancer made this worse. Still it was amazing for 2 of the 4 years, I was happy. The old emails from her indicate that she had to be happy too, I just dont understand the break up.

 

We seemed so perfect for each other, everyone saw it too. Something had to of snapped inside her, when she moved away 6 months ago. I couldn't move with her when she did, I was broke, and so she hated me for that. Probably a major reason for the break up. Cancer took its toll physically, this small town only offers manual labor jobs, so It was so hard for me to raise money. I finally suffered through a bad job, and had enough cash last month to move(enough even for an engagement ring), then she just left...

 

She was too childish to talk to me properly about it or work it out like adults. If she met someone during the LDR and picked him over me then shes a cheater, something she always claimed to never sink to. She had been cheating on multiple times in the past so I am amazed if she has sunk so low. I feel like she has literally died, I am going through the typical stages of a loved one dieing.

 

She abused me emotionally, maybe even sexually. I say that because she was raped and maybe did something similar to me. She felt her virginity was stolen and in a way she stole mine. What I am feeling right now is almost a drug withdrawal. I can't inject her into my veins anymore and its killing me!

 

I just don't know how or where I am ever going to meet a real honest woman. Someone who understands the risks of dating a cancer survivor and who will hold my hand through the hard bits.. and not just do it for brownie points with society.

[rocio]

Vancouver will be much better than Fort Mac. The mountains, the ocean, the warmth...

 

I'm confused because you talk about how perfect the two of you were together, but then you also say she was abusive - physically, sexually and emotionally.

 

By the way, if I would write down the negative or dark stuff about me, here's what some of it would include (from my past, not necessarily the present):

 

-pothead

-been to prison

-thief

-father was a drug addict

-grew up on social assistance

-overweight

-unpopular

-no relationship with family

 

If I would write the good stuff about me, these would be some:

 

-successful career

-Master's degree

-in shape

-loving wife and mother

-give money to charity every month

-play the piano

-cook nutritious meals and keep a clean home

-loyal friend

 

...Do those even sound like they could be the same person? I'll always have my demons that I struggle with. We all do. Forget about this idea that either you're a "good person on the inside" or you're a "bad person on the inside". Inside, we're all confused with split personalities and really dark sides. What matters is your actions - how you treat other people and what you make of your life.

[Drake7]

-She indeed was abusive, and I fell in love with it. She was my first love(I was her 6th boyfriend) so I didn't know the behavior from her was unhealthy. It started out really amazing but eventually she became worse than all the men who abused her. She would take all her problems out on me to the point I would snap and threaten suicide. I find myself loving and hating her at the same time. On the surface we were a good match, same interests, able to talk to about anything, so many things really.

 

If I made that same list it would look like this.

 

Negative

 

-No higher education

-Cynical

-Jealous

-Way to shy(possible social anxiety)

-Overweight

-no self-esteem

-no motivation

-Extremely unpopular

-Almost went to adult prison for serious crime at 17.

-Cancer

 

Positive

 

-Survived Cancer

-Honest and Trustworthy

-Good listener

-Firm belief in chivalry

 

I always try to treat other people better than I treat myself. I think I have done so much for others that I don't really know how to do anything for myself. People just seem to take what they need from me then move on. I never went to college and barely finished high school. When other grads were choosing tuxedos and dresses, or planning for the late night "activities" I was fighting cancer. I couldn't go to my own graduation, I was too sickly and I didn't want to go dateless. When people were leaving for college I was getting radiation treatments. When my friends were getting married I was stuck with a girl who wanted nothing more than the minimums in life. Missing out on all that cut me deep, I missed out on a lot of millstones.

 

I just feel like the world left me behind, and as a result no one in my age group would want to bother with me due to my lack of achievements.

[rocio]

Ok, first, you've accomplished plenty for a 22 year old. You've survived cancer and an abusive relatioship. You should be able to survive anything.

 

I think Vancouver is going to be great for you. Just try to stay away from the darker parts of town. Vancouver really has a dark side that can suck you in. Try to avoid those parts of town and those kinds of people. Even if you have to give up other luxuries, make sure you get a place in a decent part of town. Don't feel bad about avoiding the troubled people. Remember that you can't help anyone else until you help yourself, and right now you need to focus on building a positive future.

 

You should totally get a puppy and go jogging in Stanley park on weekends. Surround yourself with positive, genuine, successful people. (Not necessarily wealthy people, but people who are acheiving what they want out of life.) Even if that means you have to go through a few sets of friends before you find the right one, or you have to spend your first year without any real friends, be selective. Find a career that you can be passionate about and throw yourself into it.

 

I don't know what kinds of people you've been hanging out with but most people aren't married with a university degree at 22! If you have that by 30, you'll be ahead of the game. You still have LOTS of time to catch up.

 

Just start wherever you can and keep moving up from there. When I lost weight, I never lost more than about 5-7 lbs in a year. It was so gradual but it came by making gradual, permanent changes to my lifestyle. I don't know whether you want to lose weight, and if that's not a priority for you, that's fine. You can still be a happy, successful, loving and loved person without. But if you want that, just start making little changes - a bit each month.

 

Also, it seems like maybe your troubles with graduating from high school were due to distractions in your life. If you think you could do better academically now, then I think that getting a degree is the easiest and most fool-proof way to make a good living and be respected in the community. But if academics aren't you're thing, that's totally fine. There are lots of other ways to make money and be respected and fulfilled. Just figure out what your "thing" is and go for it. F everyone else and their stupid accomplishments. A bunch of the people you currently know and think are successful will turn out to be utter failures in life anyway. You're SO young and only time will tell what you can make of your life.

[rocio]

Sorry, Drake, if I sounded cheesy with my whole, "I lost weight and you can too!" pep talk, which may have discouraged you more than anything.

 

All I mean to say is that you don't have to do anything drastic. Just go for what you want, whatever that is, in small ways. Always move forward, no matter how slowly, and never move back.

 

I'm just jealous of your opportunity to move to Vancouver and start a new life. I did that once. But I moved to Commercial Ave with all the hippies, not far from Hastings, and became buddies with the drunk guys living (literally) in my back alley (maybe not buddies, but I gave them food and change and listened to their drunken stories), and started smoking pot every day, and had my apartment broken into in the middle of the night, and in retrospect, I wish I'd lived in a better part of town and went jogging in Stanley Park and found my niche and built a successful business and bought a yacht and spent my weekends chilling in my yacht on the harbor wearing white pants. (We can all have our fantasies, can't we?) I just wish I'd known back then that it was all up to me to just be the person I wanted to be.

[Drake7]

-Most the people I knew married their high school sweet hearts and have been very successful in the past due to the oil field. A few even have kids now. Knowing I failed to do those things cuts me deep.

 

I lost about 12 pounds since the break up, due to the grief, I simply couldn't eat. I don't have my typical cravings for junk food anymore, I'm eating normally but not snacking anymore. Its way too cold here right now to go out for walks or jogs sadly. I have been weight lifting to build upper body strength for the time being, usually around 3am when my memories and regrets keep me awake. I doubt my physical attraction level will increase with muscles but.. you never know. Not to sound like I am some shallow appearance monger, I just get ignored a lot when I'm around women so I figured it was the reason.

 

My sister has been in Vancouver for about 5 years now and she had lived in a few bad areas. What is ironic is she had a homeless guy living near her place downtown, apparently his name was "Hamsalad". My parents have never been happy in this town, I convinced them to move to Vancouver as well, which was maybe already decided in their minds. My Mother said to me that shes glad her 15 year jail sentence in this town is finally going to end. Vancouver just seems like a place we can all be happy. My sister is pretty knowledgeable about the city and so she is helping us find a place in one of the "nicer" suburbs.

 

I am really looking forward to living in Vancouver and taking my dog to Stanley park. She keeps me company at home right now but she gets sad not having my ex's dog around to play with. I haven't been to Vancouver in a few years now but I remember being really happy there even knowing it was just a week vacation.

 

I have always felt more comfortable in the bustling city, no one will know me there and I can move on and start a new life. Its so exciting, yet terrifying, I almost feel like I am literally going to wake up one day in Vancouver not knowing who I am. Strangely comforting. I will probably decide on college and career after I get settled in.

 

I feel so strange realizing its come down to this. In reality, my relationship was doomed the second she decided to move to be with her sister in Grande Prairie, AB. Instead of asking me where I would like to live she moved claiming her mom was kicking her out(lie) She should of wanted to start a family with me, not leech off her sister and her kids success.

 

When she moved there I would get maybe five texts a week, and she would only call me if I accidentally ignored her due to phone issues. Or to nag me about not being there. Never once was it, I miss you and want you here. It was always you SHOULD be here, like I had no choice. If I told her I missed her she would say "ohhh really, why?" She gets home from work at around 5pm but I wouldn't hear from her till around 8/9pm(Very seldom I would get a reply). It didn't add up, she claimed to not have friends there yet so how could she of been so busy not to talk to me? I had suspicions she might of met someone, probably some doper.. ughhh.. She prioritized her sister over me, and even if I did move there I would just be a stand in. I got no attention near the end and it hurt. She just assumed I would move to be with her and that is what I wanted.. Just to be with her and forsake everything else and live on love. Where as she wanted me to be her doormat.

 

I am almost thankful I didn't move with her, if I did I bet after the first argument she would kick me out on the street. Arguments that she always has to start, so in the end this is for the best. I still feel like it should of been her, she should of had my child, and grew old with me. I just don't know how I am going to find another woman to share my life with.

 

The place she moved to has nothing for work or academic opportunities. I just had no opportunities there but fast food trash jobs. The place is packed with drug abusers and bikers from last I heard. I'm so scared she will go to a life of pain and misery, this is what really hurts me. I can't protect her anymore, its like I failed. She will never get a better job and will end up pregnant and single, I know now she lied to me a lot, she won't be back ever. If she did return, it would be out of desperation, to save her from this horrible life she is about to have. God.. I don't know what I would say to her if that happen. I want to move on so badly, but at the same time I can't while I still live here.

 

The hardest thing now Is making it to Vancouver, the move won't happen for another few months, I just don't know how I am going to hold it together till then.

[rocio]

Seriously, who the heck wants to live in Grande Prairie anyway? But don't worry about her. There's nothing you could have done to help her. We'll just hope she gets the help she needs, eventually.

 

Also, I think you're going to feel overwhelmed by the amount of women in Vancouver. Where you're at, women are so scarce, it's just a different world up there. You'll get more attention than you expect in Vancouver, I'd even bet on it.

 

I'm sorry you lost so much weight after the breakup. It sounds like it really took its toll on you.

 

Maybe you can spend the next few months coming up with a plan? Plan in detail how you want to reinvent yourself once you get to Van. Sometimes even if your body is in one place, YOU can be somewhere else altogether.

[Drake7]

Seriously, who the heck wants to live in Grande Prairie anyway?

 

I have been getting the same thing from a lot of people. I worked with my ex for a while and our coworkers used to tell me it was a bad idea going there and to try to persuade her to change her mind(failed). Seems like good people go there then become drug addicts or just degenerates. Maybe the same vices claimed her too in the five months of LDR.

 

I just hope one day she wakes up and realizes she threw away an amazing opportunity with the one person who actually loved and cared about her. Near the end, people were telling me I was crazy for choosing Grande Prairie over Vancouver, and now I can see picking a hell hole over paradise was idiotic of me. I might of really loved her, and the idea of living with her and being with her everyday was what I wanted, but she wanted something else. We were so dead set on getting married, she would complain all the time that I need to propose, but near the break up I Guess she realized it wasn't what she wanted after all.

 

She is literally there only for her sister and nothing else. She did go to college at 18 but its been wasted ever since and can't benefit her there. The mother is extremely abusing so I guess it was an escape, I offered her to come with me to Vancouver about 8 months ago when I was just considering it a place to go and she said no.

 

Also, I think you're going to feel overwhelmed by the amount of women in Vancouver. Where you're at, women are so scarce, it's just a different world up there. You'll get more attention than you expect in Vancouver, I'd even bet on it.

 

Oh my, I sure hope you win a lot of bets! You are very right, women here are very scarce. As of right now my choices here are high school girls or older women unhappy in their marriage... The few people from my graduating class who still live here are just basket cases. I'm pretty eccentric, so the redneck types here despise me. I have been ignored here by women for so long I can hardly imagine what it will be like to get all that attention. I think the hardest step for me might be finding the "real" women, I would hardly know where to look.

 

Still, I hope you are right.

 

I'm sorry you lost so much weight after the breakup. It sounds like it really took its toll on you.

 

The break up really did take its toll, I couldn't eat and I didn't sleep for about five days. I contemplated suicide a few times but I figured if I did I would just be letting her "win". People would of just revered her at that point, so I figured i will do the opposite. I will live a great life to show everyone that she was the problem all along, and maybe even make her jealous and regretful in the process.

 

I really do want to lose weight, so the drop wasn't so bad. My oncologist has warned me over the years that my weight needs to come down. Before the break up I was about 283 and rising, and now I am around 267. If I can get down to about 215 and get more healthy, the chances of a recurrence of cancer are slim to none.

 

I have been trying to work on a plan, I just don't know what to expect from Vancouver. If I was to rebuild myself I think I would like to get in shape to some extent. I think it would be good for my self-esteem and confidence which really need to be worked on. I don't want to become some nightlife junkie loser, I wan't women to actually be able to see I'm a loving person worth being with. A friend of mine got into really good shape, all he can seem to land is one night stands. I don't want to be like that, I can only give my body to someone I truly love.

 

I have always been too shy, and I hope I can over come it. This town really isolated me because im different so maybe in the city I will have no choice but to be charismatic. My body is stuck here and my mind seems to be stuck in the past at times. I was throwing out stuff I don't need anymore today, to make the move go easier. I found all the pictures of my ex, I even found a few old letters and cards, I read a few and it really confuses me as to how its come down to this.

[rocio]

Isn't there some ritual you're supposed to do with those pictures and cards? Like burn them or bury them or something?

 

I'm not an expert on breakups but I'm here to listen anytime! And I think you should burn them.

[Drake7]

I really do appreciate you reading my idiotic ranting, I am glad to know someone out there is.

 

Too late to burn them! but I did throw them all away. She lives in a dumpy city, her life will soon be a dump, so why not send her memories to a dump? Kind of artistic really.

 

I spend most of tonight going through more of my stuff. 15 years worth of paraphernalia thrown into garbage bags in about two hours. I'm kind of a hoarder of memory triggers because of my remembrance issues. Her pictures and cards went in with all the rest of the junk. For a second I looked at the pictures, then quickly tossed them into the bags. The glances brought up good memories, but my logic reminded me it was over and for the best. I even found a Halloween costume she made me from last year yet, sigh..

 

When I tossed the garbage bags into the dumpster I felt released. I felt like I threw her and all the bad memories away. Now I will forget her face within a month or two, I can hardly even remember her voice, nor her touch. If she called me right now I bet I would have to ask who it was. This is the first time I have ever wanted to thank the cancer, but yes, thank you cancer for messing up my memory retention abilities. With all the junk from the past gone, I will forget her, and these last 15 year of pain ever happen. It won't however sink in properly till I am in Vancouver.

 

I still have all her romantic letters, I kind of want to mail them to her. So she will remember what she gave up.. (not that I know her new address, which is sad considering she never told it to me even when we were dating!.. suspicious..) I would add to the parcel my own letter. It would say that I was returning her love via mail, or more accurately returning her lies so she can use them on another man.. I was also going to request she return my heart. I had given it to her forever, so very long ago. Since then she put it into a box with acid, eating way at it slowly, so now I want it back.

 

I think I am going to need it, so I can give it to a worthy woman in Vancouver(providing any would want it, its so badly damaged). I just hope I do not get too badly molested by them, since you say the place is overflowing with women.

[Drake7]

Febuary 17th 2011.

 

I was doing so much better with sleep but last night I stayed up way too late. It really screwed my progress a bit. I started doing some research into Vancouver, areas of the city, career opportunities, and also the dating scene. I figured there was no harm in looking into the future at 3am..

 

I know I need to rebuild my life and get a career going before I really go soul searching. I am just having such a hard time being single, the fears of being single forever are like a power drill to my temple. When I looked into the Vancouver dating scene it almost overwhelmed me. Apparently its a very hard place to date people, but I find that hard to believe. According to the information, guys are too shy to make a move, and girls are too rejective. It seems to really indicate that men need to start things, but if they can, things usually are successful from there. I need to build some serious confidence and better courage around women. I am hoping I will meet someone via work or school while I am there. The single and successful crowd appears as a nightmare to me.

 

When I looked into all this information I almost felt like I am looking it up for another person. My life has splintered into two so suddenly I think I have become two people. This new life in Vancouver was no supposed to happen yet here it is. The life in Alberta with my ex was supposed to happen but its not going to now. I can hang onto a ruined life, praying it will work out, or a new one that is just starting. I truly feel like I am going to have to become a completely different person to survive. I thought on this for a good hour last night as I worked out.

 

My given first name is Scott, however I use Drake in more anonymous situations. If I do not want to tell someone my real name I introduce myself as Drake, in fact I have had to do it so many times to protect myself from ignorant harassers, Drake has almost become his own person(Job, interests, beliefs, personality). I feel like Scott is the guy who was meant to marry his high school love, where as Drake is the guy moving to Vancouver to put a bad past behind him. The idea of completely starting a new life is exciting, but it scares me that the Drake alter ego is maybe the person I was all along. I feel like the second I am in the moving van all that Scott is will fade and no one will remember him. I bet people will even remark how he died somehow, its kind of comforting knowing that. He really has died in a way considering his entire life was smashed within two hours on the phone. If my old self doesn't exist then she won't anymore.

 

I don't think I have a personality disorder or anything like that but my life is about to change so drastically how could I not become someone else. I have more urges to better myself in all aspects as Drake, where as if I am Scott I am ok with what I got because I know there is no way to improve. That part of me was content because he had everything he wanted without having to work for it.

 

I really need to get rid of all the left over memories today, I hope I can bring myself to burning all her letters and a few more pictures I found.

[Drake7]

February 18th 2011

 

time seem to be slipping away slowly, the days are smeared into one. My body and mind are starting to quiet down, my thoughts leave me. I have been having doubts about love, is it what I think it is? Or am I delusional. I see so many people these days marrying because of financial concerns. Two successful people hooking up to further their careers. If it is not that then it is to extremely active beautiful people. I figured people wanted to be together because of some force of attraction that goes beyond all that stuff, am I wrong? I see so many women turning down men because of the job they have, regardless of the fact they would be a perfect husband and father.

 

I feel like such damaged goods that I hardly know why a woman would want to date me. I don't mean to seem like I am falling on my sword in grief. I just can't logically see a woman wanting a man who has been through hell. I will eventually have a good career but I hardly want it in fear a woman will use me for my money. I fear this because I am not physically attractive and it seems obvious a woman would use me. I fear getting into shape, because then a woman might only want me for my looks.

 

People now a days seem way to hesitant to let someone into their life that comes with baggage. Yes I have my burdens to bear but I do not understand why this has to prevent me from finding love. They say people love us for our defects, then I should be easy to love. I just feel like marriage is too commercialized now, and that people no longer do it for true love. I can't even attempt to date because of this town, so I am stuck in limbo. I feel like I am complaining about problems I have not even run into yet.

 

I contemplated using a dating site and putting my location to Vancouver, to at least chat with some women there. To maybe see how many dates I could possibly have went on(moral boost maybe). It seems fairly dishonest, plus if a really nice woman came along and wanted to date I would hate to tell her I was too far away.

 

I am just going to have to endure this town like I have for 15 years, I just do not know how much longer I am going to be able to survive. I am slowly slipping away.. I don't think I will make it any further than August, I pray I will be out of here by then.

[rocio]

I just can't logically see a woman wanting a man who has been through hell.

 

Going through hell and living to tell about it is a sign of resilience and strength. Gain your confidence from it.

 

I was also thinking you should check out dating sites in Van. It's not dishonest at all, just let them know right away that you're moving to Van later in the year and don't know a lot of people there so you're trying to meet people ahead of time.

[Drake7]

I really have been trying to gain my confidence from it but I just feel stripped. Almost like my strength was in short supply and now its all used up. Like a battle weary soldier who just can't take it anymore. Heck, sometimes I think I have even developed the thousand yard stare.

 

I was also thinking you should check out dating sites in Van. It's not dishonest at all, just let them know right away that you're moving to Van later in the year and don't know a lot of people there so you're trying to meet people ahead of time.

 

That makes a lot more sense, I suppose there is no harm in doing it that way. Another major concern now will be to improve my image I think. I need to get some sort of outside opinion of how I can improve my look. My male friends give me advice but I am certainly not trying to date men. Maybe I need a woman's touch or something. I just feel like my style and maybe facial hair is a bit 1980.

[rocio]

I really have been trying to gain my confidence from it but I just feel stripped. Almost like my strength was in short supply and now its all used up. Like a battle weary soldier who just can't take it anymore. Heck, sometimes I think I have even developed the thousand yard stare..

 

With time.

 

My male friends give me advice but I am certainly not trying to date men.

 

lol, get a buzz cut, shave your face and wear a ralph lauren polo... You can't go wrong. It's so easy to be a guy!

[Drake7]

lol, get a buzz cut, shave your face and wear a ralph lauren polo... You can't go wrong. It's so easy to be a guy!

 

People say I look like uncle fester from the Adams family when my hair is too short haha. I have a goatee that is almost down to my collar bone. I think its a bit much but I don't think I look that good shaved clean.

 

 

******Situation update******

 

Ex's mom called my mom today.. Again wanting back materialistic possessions that I do not have. She wanted back a make up bag, xbox controller, and a headset... First indirect contact I get in a month is over toys?? She is so pathetic >_

 

Wonder if that was a good idea.

[rocio]

What did your mother tell her?

[Drake7]

My mother is far too passive and had said "Scott will look for the stuff, but frankly we have thrown a lot of junk out because we are moving". My ex's mother said she didn't want to play middle man and so she needs to stop. I am very upset about it and I told my mom that she needs to tell this mother, "If her daughter wants something from me she needs to grow up and face me."

 

Why is this girl avoiding me so diligently? Does she hate me? Or is she hurt from the break up? I am not a volatile person, its not like I was beating the crap out of her. I just don't get it. I am the only one willing to be an adult and sort the situation out properly. My mother is extremely passive, so I do no know if she will actually pass on the message I told her. I would do it myself but I am too emotional/angry over the situation. I have also maybe considered getting my therapist to talk with the mother, wonder if that would help?

[rocio]

There's no need for anyone to speak with her or her mother. Politely ask them to leave you in peace. If they call back, explain that you have discarded any items you don't intend to take with you in the move and you have nothing for them. Be polite but ask them not to contact you.