Is it normal to feel this way?

[rich46]

I am becoming increasingly annoyed at my ex girlfriend for the way she's treated me. Angry is a bit strong at the moment, but definitely annoyed.

For 3 and a half years I treated her so well. I met her at University when she was on the verge of dropping out as she had no friends, hated it etc. Ever since I have never even looked at another woman. I sent her flowers. I booked a trip to Venice and surprised her with it on Christmas day. I've listened to her problems. I couldn't have treated her any better.

 

So now I am getting annoyed at how she was really distant with me for the few weeks and months before it all came out. It was only because I confronted her about her distant behaviour that she admitted she needed some "time and space" and "needed to be single for a while." I mean, how long was she going to act distant with me before telling me?

 

I am also annoyed how she wants us to remain best friends and how she has led me on by hinting that we might get back together. Last week we agreed to have no contact whatsoever but she told me how she wanted to ring me lots of times. Again this really bugs me, confuses me, and annoys me.

 

Now we are back to having no contact again (my choice) and all these negative thoughts are creeping into my head. I am at the stage where I am annoyed as just a few weeks ago she told someone how she had found the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She told me "my life would be rubbish without you."

 

Now I know she still has my old valentines cards on her wall, and my picture in her room etc. What's that all about?

 

I think the main reason for me feeling like this is because I know I was so good to her. If I had cheated on her then I could accept it cos I would deserve it. But I didn't. I hate feeling as confused as I am right now and I don't know what to do about it.

 

Sorry for ranting, but Ive felt very frustrated today. What does everyone think? Is it normal to feel like this? She was my first love so I've never been through this before.

 

Thanks everyone.

[fantasia2004]

I think it is a matter of resentment because how she responds negatively to your needs.

 

she has personal issues that she needs to work on.

 

It is her I believe not you. May be for now you might need some space to get your head clear and think about what to do next.

[charmed]

Hi Rich 46,

 

I agree with Fantasia. This girl sounds really confused. In turn, she has you really confused.

 

You initiated no contact, again, and now you are suffering the dreaded "train of thought".

 

You need to make a clear choice here. Are you moving on or not? If you are, then it's time to move on. Don't try to make any sense of her confusion. She probably can't even make sense of it herself - so you don't have a chance and will just think for hours about it and depress yourself.

 

If you want to sort this relationship out - go and do it. Well, at least give that a shot. Either way, sort this out once and for all. Don't let it dwindle for weeks and be in the same situation as you are now.

 

Either sort the relationship out, or move on !! Get some closure.

 

Hope this helps you some,

 

~

[_Ramirez_]

You ask if your behaviour is normal, well I think getting angry at the ex for the thing she did is the first step to letting her go and move on with your life. Its the first one from healing from that break up you don't understand.

 

She didn't tell you why she left, the "I need to be single again" is full of it if you ask me, the real reasons are left unsaid and its driving you mad. That's why you ask yourself what you did wrong with her. You look at yourself and can't understand where you could have done it differently. You're losing your self-confidence over this. The answer to that question is: you didn't do anything wrong, you were the best you could be (you seem pretty sure of it).

 

You'll get more angry with her with time if you don't get a good discussion with her. You need to take all those feelings to her, ask a for a real explanation, why she left while you were so good to her, why she act like you're the one and still feel the need to be away. If you don't confront her with this you'll get increasingly annoyed with her and you will reach the point of no return.

[ReneinDC]

I certainly understand your feelings Rich as I too resent the way my ex treated me though I was nothing but excellent to him. I didnt cheat.. I supported him thru some of the worst moments of his life.. shared my finances with him and the more I treated him great the more distant he became. After I got fed up with his crap and ended things.. Now that I treat him like crap.. he can't get enough of me.

 

I think it boils down to self esteem issues. Maybe she's not used to you treating her good? My ex was only used to abusive hostile relationships but when he didn't get that with me.. he didn't know how to react.. so he constantly had to do something to create chaos because that's what he was used to.. CHAOS.

 

It is perfectly ok to feel annoyed.. ticked and angry.. just let yourself roll with the emotions for you are perfectly within your right to feel what you feel towards her.

[charmed]

My ex was only used to abusive hostile relationships but when he didn't get that with me.. he didn't know how to react.. so he constantly had to do something to create chaos because that's what he was used to.. CHAOS.

 

Well said ReneinDC ! I think that this can also mean relationships in general and not just couple relationships. Conflict based relationships in family's for example can lead to the same need for conflict in another close relationship.

 

~

[lady00]

Rich,

you don't always get treated badly because you deserve it. sometimes people treat us badly when we treat them well. Sometimes they don't meet our needs when we bend over backwards to meet theirs. I've learned that it isn't wise to blame ourselves for others' treatment of us because that just leads to a strange mix of upsetting emotions. I think that your ex was playing with your feelings by leading you on after the breakup and it's wise that you have started no contact. It's normal for you to feel annoyed because your ex isn't respecting you at all. She's sending you mixed signals and trying to keep you from letting go of her but I think at this point that's what you need to do. Maybe she's confused but that doesn't justify the way she treats you. If she needed time to herself so much then why didn't she take it? Why did she insist on being friends with you right after the breakup? I think that what she's doing isn't fair. She made the decision to leave but then she wants to string you along. I'd say just continue NC. It will get better.

[caveat]

Rich,

 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, having received the "I need to be independent. I want a break" punch to the gut about 5 months ago. I too treated her like a princess...maybe too well. I went into NC mode immediately, primarily b/c I was devastated and needed to get my head screwed on straight. 5+ months later and I still have not had any contact with her and I can assure you it does get better.

 

I think you have received some good feedback from the rest of the posters but I also think you need to try to look at the situation a bit more objectively if you truly want to understand the dynamics that are driving it. People's lives get so intertwined when the relationship is intense that I think they can begin to lose their sense of individuality and feel that the only way to reclaim it is outside of the relationship. Some will get scared of not being able to be free and will run, but will not be able to give any explanation that is palatable because they may be unsure of what it is themselves, hence the common "I don't know. I'm so confused" response when you ask "why?".

 

Now is the time to take care of yourself and put some distance between you and her. Time will tell whether its a temporary or permanent reprieve, but I think she needs to feel firsthand what it will be like if you drop out of her life forever otherwise she will always take your presense for granted. Give her the time and space she is looking for and get on with your own life. It sucks, it hurts, I know. Believe me I know. The good news is that you can now focus your time and money on doing what you and you alone want to do. Travel, be decadent, be selfish (within limits of course), go out and enjoy yourself, reconnect with old friends. Just don't squander your single time because if you do I promise you you will look back and regret it. There are only a few times in our lives where we are young, unfettered, cash flow positive, and ready to try something new...go make the most of it and let her do some thinking about her decision.

 

Caveat

[ReneinDC]

My ex was only used to abusive hostile relationships but when he didn't get that with me.. he didn't know how to react.. so he constantly had to do something to create chaos because that's what he was used to.. CHAOS.

 

Well said ReneinDC ! I think that this can also mean relationships in general and not just couple relationships. Conflict based relationships in family's for example can lead to the same need for conflict in another close relationship.

 

~

 

Thanks Charmed! You are also correct this applies to any kind of relationship not just romantic ones. I also want to say that a lot of the time ex's treat us poorly because they want us to do the breaking up! In my case the ex didn't have the guts to end our relationship and he purposely did things to make me angry hoping that I would take the responsibility to do the breaking up and it worked.

 

I dont think this is the case with Rich as she finally did say she needed space.. though she went about it in a cowardly way I feel. Rich I honestly think that she's going to bring you a lot more heartache so I would definitely move on unless you enjoy emotional masochism. I would stay clear until you've healed. I dont think she has the emotional maturity to be in a relationship with you and you deserve so much better!

[rich46]

Thanks for all your replies, you've helped me a great deal! I've calmed down a bit now but today has been a weird day of mixed emotions!

 

I won't be contacting her again as I don't see any way of being best friends with her. I just couldn't do that. If she contacts me again I will be friendly with her but I will reiterate that I can't be just friends with her and that no contact is best for both of us.

 

Rich