My lost love...UPDATE...Need advice badly!!!

[the_Monk]

Okay, this is probably going to be a little long winded. Just got shocked and I need to vent a bit and hopefully get some of your advice. Guys/Gals its badly needed.

 

Was with the real love of my life for 4yrs, we lived together for about 3.5yrs. Both of us in the start truly loved each other but, we did have fights all the time. They were little things that always got blown way out of proportion. The unfortunate aspect is that she would always give in, so became a pattern. I realize I was wrong, I truly do. We would fight, I knew if I kept it up long enough, I would win. So I did.

 

Anyways, 4yrs, the last two I was working from home and not doing terribly great. She however, stuck by me, worked a lot and really supported me. When I got rid of my business, there were about 4 months when I just wasn't doing anything and this really got to her. She was working a lot and I wasn't pulling my end. Fair enough and truly valid.

 

About 3 months ago she was getting much more irritated, the fights stopped, but now that I think back, I think its cause she just gave up. We rolled through limbo for awhile and then one day she came home and told me that she needed a break. I, like many of you, didn't take this well and resorted to begging, pleading, etc. In the end, she told me that she would try again, we still slept together (no sex), went out together, I tried, truly guys, I did.

 

After about a month she told me that it wasn't working, that she wanted a break up, and asked if it would be easier if she moved out. I of course pleaded my case and I agreed that I would sleep in the spare room. So, for about 3 weeks I slept in the spare room, however, things did change, she had become distant through all of it but a lot more during this final stage. I, however, kept trying and was being as clingy as it gets.

 

Finally, the night before Canada day I went out with a few friends and ended up meeting a girl. We chit chatted for a bit, ended up going for breakfast, and then went back to her place. Nothing happened, just hung out n talked. The company was great, especially considering that for a month n a half I had been focusing all my attention on a girl that constantly pulled away. Though selfish, it was nice to be wanted for a change. Anyways, we went out a few times, talked on the phone and it really helped me not think about my ex. Anyways, long story short, I spent the night at this new girls place, my ex knew it too. Two days later she came home and told me that she was moving tomorrow. The next day she was gone.

 

She told me in the end that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She said that she wanted us to start on a fresh page and that she couldn't do that living with me. She said that once things were settled a bit for both of us, we would start seeing each other and take it slow. In the same token, she's said a lot of things that she hasn't held up on. IE bill money, not coming in the house when I'm not here (she came by once to get her mail and took a necklace that I had given her for our first Christmas, It was one of the VERY few items she left, I still believe there was some form of hidden meaning to it, was something that was used in fights before and when I would say I'm leaving she would never want to give me the necklace back, etc), etc.

 

After she moved out, I went strict NC. I lasted about 16 days before I cracked and sent her an email to say hi, that I thought of her, and to see if she wanted to grab a coffee sometime. I waited about 2 days, then sent another which basically was "to the point" regarding financial obligations. I should mention that she had added me to her msn about 4 days before I finally sent my initial email. I perceived it as her attempting to make contact. Anyways, about 4 days after my send email, I spoke with finally on msn. We chatted for about 10 mins and then I told her that a friend had just popped in and that I had to let her go. She then told me that she had been thinking of me, I said something similar and that I missed her, she said she missed me too and it was the first time that she's said that and truly meant it. She told me that she would call me this week and would also be by. Still no word from her though. Probably too early.

 

Last night I was up late, sitting in front of the PC and I decided to check my bank account. We had a joint chequeing & savings account. After she moved out, she started using the savings account. She mentioned in her email that she couldn't access the cheque account (I dunno how that's possible, but, whatever) point is, she's still using "our" account. I've since opened my own account. Anyways, I checked the savings account as well, I know I probably should have, I shouldn't have had the curiosity either  Well, I noticed that she had made a stop at Lasenza and spent like $40. For those of you unfamiliar with the store, its underwear, bras, lingerie. Needless to say, it's kind of shocked me…what does this mean?

 

So, here I sit, today is exactly 3 weeks since I've seen her. I miss her dearly, but I've accepted the fact that she might never come back and we might never be together again. I just know how much she did love me and I hope to god she does too. I think with a bit of effort on my part, things could have been so much better. I got into a state where I thought I could do/say anything and she'd always take me back or put up with it. I was so wrong and now I'm left with so much regret.

 

So guys, I've tried to be as detailed as I could be, I would like ANY advice from anyone. It's greatly appreciated.

[_Ramirez_]

Nothing you did in the past with your relationship can be changed and you had your wrongs and she had hers. You are now officialy single even if you don't want it to be that way. You need to accept that fact before you can move on. This is not a "break", its a break up and you too are living appart. Use that opportunity to get back on your feet financially, emotionally and to become the man you can be.

 

First I think you should think nothing of the La Senza expense, 40$ don't get you anywhere in lingerie if you ask me, its enough for a bra (maybe 2 cheap ones) but not much more, not fine lingerie like you think it is. I know because I sometime go there to buy my girlfriend a gift and I'm outraged at the price, the less tissue on it, higher the price

 

Now you had some positive come back from her. You need to let her unwind, sadly 2 weeks are not much in this case and if you two need to break a pattern you will both need some time not to do the mistakes you did in the past. Stop pleading with her, stop pressuring her and keep a light contact when you need it. The no contact rule is a doubled edge sword if you ask me and its not what she might need from you. Don't kick her out of your life since she didn't seem to have kicked you out of hers completely.

 

This is a fresh start for you. You should think about yourself a lot now, assess your weaknesse's, your strengh, your wrongs and move on from them. Become the man she used to love (not the fighting one or the lazy one) and she'll come back to you. One word of advice... if ever she tells you you did something wrong don't get defensive... just agree and take the blame. Stop the fighting and let her have her way by listening to her and by learning how to say: "yes you're right" in 20 different ways.

 

Good luck.

[the_Monk]

_Ramirez_,

 

Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts. I would like to think i've received some positive feedback, i truly do. I'm trying as hard as i can to do my own thing, move on, work as much as i can, and think of myself. It's not easy, but i'm getting there.

 

We haven't spoke about our relationship at all since she moved out, 3 weeks ago. The only contact has been a brief chat, and two emails. One of which i regret sending, not becuase it was deep or anything, but because i showed that i was weaker than her in holding out. I'm now just kinda optimistic that she'll call me. But, who knows. I know i can't wait around and wait.

 

My real question is, do you feel i still might have a chance or should i surcumb and give in to it all? I badly want to hang onto some hope without letting it rule my life and every thought, at the same time, i just don't seem to be able to move on...hope this makes sense.

[the_Monk]

Anyone?

[the_Monk]

Well, just got home, the Ex, in our brief chat on MSN the other night told me that she was working all this week. Today i get home and noticed that she was on MSN, i was marked as away. I'm not too sure how long she had been on, but she was marked as busy. So, anyways, i come in, i see that she's on but marked as busy so i automatically log out, not sure why, but i did. I stay offline for about 10mins then log back in. Never got a msg from her, 10-15mins later she logged out.

 

Do you guys think that this is a bad sign or am i just reading way to much into it? However, she told me that she would call me this week, still no word

[the_Monk]

Hey guys n Gals,

 

Been fishing for a little advice, really taking a beating this week

 

i am really starting to wonder if i'll hear from her or not. I have a really bad feeling that, at this point, she's truly indifferent to the whole situation and that she is possibly waiting for me to do something to show her my love and my determination to fight for her. However, she really hasn't given me much sign of this....

 

Do you guys think that after 3 weeks of pretty strict NC i should send her some flowers or something sweet and along those lines? I don't know why but i feel as though she is maybe waiting for me to do something like this....might just be me analyzing things though...god i hate this

[JustPlainSad]

One thing I am noticing is that it takes the dumpee to take the initative to make contact. But it has to be done with the best of intentions AFTER you can handle NOT talking about your relationship. When you talk, IM with her you must think about her issues and feelings first anf foremost. You cannot talk to her about getting back together or anything like that, it will just push her away further. TRUST ME I have been there recently and I've learned from it. You have to genuinly care about her feelings and issues. If you do that you're feelings and issues should be resloved along the way indirectly. Unless you have some dire subject you need to talk to her about about your relationship then dont. Its irrelevant at this point. Making the both of you better is whats important. If you cannot change or do not allow the time to change you'll get back into it where you left off and thats not what she was happy with.

 

Her not talking to you on AIM may suck but you have to realize that she cannot talk to you everyday and you cannot take one incident to mean OMG she hates me and my life is over. All she did was not talk to you on AIM. Is it the end of the world? Does that mean she has lost all love to you? No. It could mean she was just in a rush and in the past you were a priority but right now SHE is her priority. I know she said during the week well the week isn't over yet so give it time. If she doesnt talk to you the you initiate but in a light hearted way being genuinly interested in what she is doing and not in your own intentions of getting her back. Like I said that irrelevant at this point. First you need to LEARN why things went wrong, then you need to GROW from your learning phase, finally you have to MOVE FORWARD with her or without her. Hopefully it will be with her.

 

I hope this helps a little Monk.

[the_Monk]

Thanks for the response JustPlainSad. I think what you said makes sense. For the most part, i am moving on. I would be lying, however, if i said that i don't hope that she'll come back in some form or another. Would i be content with friends, probably not. No. I miss her and care for her too much.

 

I suppose i should maybe be considering packing it in...its not what i want to do, but, maybe its what is needed. Been three weeks of hoping and i don't want to feel this way anymore....Brutal day...

[JustPlainSad]

Dont give up hope. I'm going through a lot right now also but I'm not gonna give up hope. She's to special for me to pack it in even though I've have had the notion a few times. If you had true love before it can happen again. Just let her chill for a minute then initiate contact in a week or two. Be courteous, aware of her feelings and be happy just to talk to her. The next time I see or hear from my girl I'm going to let her know its just really nice to just see or hear her talk. I cherish every single contact I have with her. EVERYONE but I dont get all gaga over it. Earlier this week I lost it and got angry at her for no reason. I was a real jerk. But I immediately called her because I recognized that I was a jerk and I had to apologize. If I didnt I would have killed myself. In the past I would ahve let it dwell longer and would have not thought it was that big of a deal, part of her issue with me, but I caught it quicker and I apologized to her. Did she recognize it? I dont kno2 but it shows me that I am making progress and thats what I need to do.

[the_Monk]

Okay, i've spoken with a few people that knew my Ex and I. A few of them have said that my best course of action is to try and do something for her. Show up with flowers, etc. Something that will show her that i'm willing to fight for her now, not when she was leaving.

 

I kinda agree. She left because she wasn't getting the right kind of attention, wasn't feeling like we were going anywhere, etc. What do you guys think?

[elan164]

im in the same situation im really not sure if its a good idea to send flowers, even though i neglected/took for granted my ex as well. i may make you look desperate and that you havent done anything in the whole 3 weeks except think about her and that the flowers are one of your last desperate attempts. its really hard to figure out what should be done if anything.

[the_Monk]

Thats the whole problem, perception....Will she perceive me as being desperate or sweet. I think that after close to a month, she could apppreciate my attempts, however, should she see me as being desperate, then hell, i am taking steps backwards, not forwards...

 

At this point, i just feel like she's done absolutly nothing to make contact in the last little bit, perhaps she feels i should be making the contact. I'll be honest, i'd happily swallow my pride to get her back, hell, i'd do anything at this point......

[Manda2113]

funny how you can analyze one little gesture...and how many different ways it can be seen by ur ex...most of us on here have prob been through the same thing! i know there are a lot "tried and true rules" like NC, and whatnot...but personally, i think you shouldnt play games...and besides, you're going to exhaust yourself emotionally in the process if you do (ie "should i? shouldnt i? what will she think? will it make her want me back?") doing something will probably make YOU feel better...instead of sitting around wondering if you should do it or not...and if she really loves you and wants you back, dont you think it would work?

[skynet74]

In my opinion, if a girl loves you and wants you back, then you don't have to do a damn thing. You buying something to get her back could be perceived as you trying buy her love. It makes you look desperate and it would be the wrong way to have her come back to you.

 

Remember.... She is the one who decided to leave. Now it's up to her to make the move and come back. If she loves you she will. If she doesn't then that means there is someone else out there who will treat you a lot better then she does.

 

I've been reading a lot of realationship books since my break with the Ex. You need at least 30 days of No Contact to let the situation quiet down. It also give you time to work on yourself and not be so needy for her. It will give her toime to miss you too. So for all those reasons, 1 to 2 months of no Contact is good. Yes it seems like forever, but it's necessary. Then if you two do reunite it will be more like a new realtionship than just a continuation of the old. It will be a fresh start where the both of you have the opportunity to correct all you did wrong the first time.

 

I'm on Day 8 of No Contact. Hard as hell. But I would much rather go through this for a few more weeks then to keep chasing her and get rejected for a year. Go through the pain now and know that it will resolve itself a lot faster this way.

 

Good Luck my friend.

 

 

 

John

[the_Monk]

Manda2113,

 

I really think that i would feel better if i was putting in an effort. Me doing nothing ensures nothing gets accomplished, however, i feel that if she was honestly still in love with me, she would have made some form of contact with me at this point and not blown me off completely. IE, not calling me, not coming over as she said she would, basically, not doing anything she told me she would do....makes me really doubt all that she had told me in the end. In particular, i am doubting that she ever meant that we would eventually start seeing eachother again.....I love this girl so much and its really tearing me up inside not having her in my life....

[skynet74]

You think it would help you to put in more of an effort. Howevere it wouldn't help at all. You would not believe how many people chase their Ex. All it ends up doing is making the Ex run faster. When you chase her it will just make her run from you faster.

 

Think of chasing a Dog. He likes to make you run after him. It's all a Game to him. The faster you run after him, the faster he'll keep running from you. But what happens when you stop chasing him? He'll eventually Stop and look back for you. When he sees that you are no longer chasing him, he'll walk back to you. It works the same way with the Ex. Just stop and do nothing. She'll call wondering why you stopped the chase.

 

 

 

 

 

John

[the_Monk]

it's been a month of no chasing though....how long should one wait? I mean, she's literally given me absolutly no hope in all of this....I've tried to respect her wishes. I've given her time and any contact we have had has been very light and over msn which is informal at best. I'd just really like to show her that i do care for her and that i am willing to put in the effort for her.

 

The problem is, she feels like i treated her like crap, in most cases, she is right. I did. But, that's something i've accepted and i've really looked at and i think that if she gives me the opportunity, i can really show her that i've changed for the better and that i'm willing to take charge of things. It's true that i miss her badly and that i wan't nothing more than to be with her, but, if I also want what is best for her and i know in my hear that its me..I just need to get her to see it.

 

She's the type of person who runs from her problems and doesn't like confrontation, she tries to avoid it when possible, hence why i have my doubts that she'll ever look back and want to come back...

 

Do you see my side of the coin?

[Satch]

The no chasing, no contact thing works to a point. There comes a point where you do have to try to initiate contact again.

 

Have you admitted your mistakes to her, and apologised for them?

 

Call her and see how she's been lately. No relationship or emotional talk, unless she brings it up first. Ask her if she would like to meet for a coffee or a drink or lunch etc. If she turns you down, agree with her. Then try again in a week.

 

Once you do make contact, you can start to create pleasant moments with her. Always agree with what she says. Even if you think she is wrong. Turn the negatives into positives. The more pleasant moments you create, the more fun she will have, and the better the chance is of you two getting back together. Also, the more contact you have with her, the more you can SHOW her that you have changed.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[the_Monk]

Satch, i agree 100%.

 

Here is my problem though. She's rarely at her new place and as i said, i doubt that she would take the "bull by the horns" and call me, or call me back even. My only real idea was to meet her at her work, nothing confrontational, just a hi, was thinking about you (which is so true), lets go for a coffee after you're done. On the flip side, this is her place of work, she's probably told all her friends there that i'm the lowest of low, and i really don't want to start things off by making her uncomfortable. I realize that this is her place of work and she needs to have my respect in that regard, i'm just not sure about how i can go about this whole thing.....

 

Any suggestions folks?

[the_Monk]

BTW, i have admitted my mistakes, i haven't however, really gone into detail regarding them, more or less a "i was stupid, i'm sorry, please don't leave me...".

 

I think that now that the smoke has cleared so to speak, i can tackle each issue individually, hell, i've already worked on many of them and i've tried to show her that, IE

 

Being clingy.

Being controlling.

Being too available.

Being indifferent towards her feelings.

ETC, ETC.

 

Basically, I took this time to, yes, get over her, but also to show her that I CAN give her space, and after some time, still be willing to fight for her. This isn't out of need at this point, its out of love. I just pray to god that she sees that.

[skynet74]

Wow Monk.... You and I are in the same boat. We were both needy, clingy and may have been a little controlling. Our Ex's also sound alike. Mine hasn't called me in several weeks. I called her 9 Days ago. Conversation lasted about 45 seconds. Said she was busy putting color in her friends hair (She's a Hairdresser). Said she would talk to me later. Well "Later" hasn't happened yet. So I refuse to call her anymore until things are more balanced. I'm taking my own advice and have stopped chasing. You've done very well by doing the same.

 

When you eventually do talk to your Ex, don't tell her that you want her back. Just let her somehow SEE that you have changed for the better...... and let her make her way back to you. Ask her out to lunch as a friend and nothing more. If she refuses...... don't get mad at her. Just say O.K. maybe another time. This just means she needs more time to herself. Give it another few weeks. Then when you do eventually see her, ACT Happy and let her know that things have been going great for you (even if it's the biggest lie you have ever told). This is so you don't still appear clingy or needy. If she sees that you've been fine without her..... then you've got the needy, clingy problem Solved! Then eat your lunch, make a good impression and then tell her you would love to spend more time with her but you've got stuff to do. Leave on a high note and leave with her wanting more. Then don't call for a week and see if she calls you. She probably will.

 

If you appear attractive and happy, then she'll want to spend more time with you. When you spend more time with her is the time to show her that you have changed. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell her until you turn Blue in the face. But She's still not going to Buy it until she sees it for herself.

 

Good Luck,

 

 

 

John

[the_Monk]

Skynet74

 

We do have similarities and i agree with you about this taking care of a few of the major issues in our relationship. By me totally letting go, i hope i've made it clear to her that i don't need her and i'm not going to be clingy. On the flip side, she might perceive all of this totally opposite. Who really knows other than her.

 

I feel so bad, i hear about how everyone's ex has put in some effort to contact them, yet mine has only added me to her msn list. That was her only effort through all of this. Perhaps it hasn't been enough time but, i really feel that if she missed me, she would have made some form of contact with me by now.

 

I'd love to see her and show her the new me and try working it from that angle, but i'm really not sure about how i can start this whole process. I mean, the ball was in her court. She DID give me the number of where she's staying but isn't around there much and it was HER who was supposed to call me this past week.

 

I feel so lost. From someone who wanted to marry me, have my children and spend the rest of her life with me to not even calling me or seeing me in close to a month....how can i work this?

[Manda2113]

dont feel bad...my boyfriend and i also planned on getting engaged and spending the rest of our lives together...after our breakup, there was NO EFFORT on his part to contact me...a month after our breakup, and 2 weeks of absolute NC, I texted him a few times, and called a few times...rarely did he respond to my texts, we'd talk, he'd get busy and say he'd call me back...and then wouldnt...but i didnt give up...we finally met up the other night, and i think it went fairly well. granted, i wasnt considered controlling... and im beginning to think he's the exception to the NC rule (ie. it works better on him to see that i really care, am trying to make things work, etc.) i really dont think there's a "right" way to go about things...do what you feel is right. when everyone told me not to contact him, i did anyways, and you know what? i think that was best for my situation.

[the_Monk]

I feel like i should do something, but, what, i am not sure of. I feel that she needs to see me putting in an effort, however, i may be wrong. I did put myself out there and asked her for coffee, but that was 2 weeks ago and still no word. Perhaps it's time i contact her, however, it had only been 2 weeks on NC when i initially contacted her. This was perhaps too early. I feel awful doing nothing, thats maybe part of the problem. I am wanting so badly to do something but i have no idea what, how, when, etc. A month is a loooooong time.....

 

What do you guys think?

[the_Monk]

WOW Guys.....

 

Exactly one month to the day that she moved out of our place she finally made contact. She hadn't called me or come over like she said she would 2 weeks ago, it was wild. Today was the first time that i felt strong enough to get through the day without focusing all my attention on my ex and my heartache.

 

Anyways. I received an email from her tonight and it had a few interesting points. I won't post any of the non important information but please give me your opinion on this.

 

Hi, sorry for everything. I haven't been around much. I did transfer money into your account, and I'll transfer more when I get more.

 

It's actually our joint account. She never stopped using our saving account. I, on the other hand, opened my own new account..(She doesn't know about it and thinks i am using our other account)

 

I hope things are going okay for you. I feel more stressed out now than I did when we were together. I don't think I'll ever be happy!

Anyways, I have to go back to work now, so e-mail me back, or give me a call at home. I'm going away for 3 days though. I shouldn't, since I'm broke, but I have to get out of the city for a while. Other than that, I'm usually home after 2:30 in the morning...

 

Take care, say hi to Mark for me, give Blitz a hug for me too.

Love, ****

 

Anyways, its clearly a sign of something...but what??