How long do you wait?

[d346]

My boyfriend has committment issues. He told me. Essentially, he's scared.

 

He doesn't have a hard time being exclusive -he's a relationship kind of guy -he always has been. But the thought of forever freaks him out. We actually broke up over it for about a month. or let's just say he needed time to think because he felt boxed in. I was devestated, told him so -that "time to think" wasn't fair, and then let him be. Less than a few weeks later, he called missing me, telling me he was stupid for letting me go.

 

Ok, so I've been on the "getting back together" board. Since we're reconciling, I'm being patient. and at the same time focusing on myself. Things are good, but we took a step backwards (used to live together, now have our own places) we recently we went to a wedding, and it came up. and he told me how scared he was due to past girlfriends hurting him deceiving him. He knows I'm not like that, but is still scared. Not to mention, he's scared of divorce, and being "taken to the cleaners" financially. That makes me mad because A) I would never do that, and B) He may make more than me, but I'm the one with the money!!! He has debt!!I said to him, "you'd be da** lucky to marry me" and he said "I know" and then assured me that everything will "work out"

 

I guess I'm just beginning to wonder when?? Things are falling into place with my life, and I feel ready to be married...or at least be engaged. I don't want to force him to marry me (ie, ultimatum, or break up with him to get a proposal, etc.) that's not exactly romantic. However, he's only 26, perhaps it will take him years to figure this out!

 

I guess I am starting to shift gears and thinking of doing things for myself. (I always made plans with/around him regarding our future) ...I've recently been entertaining the idea of buying my own house (something I've been waiting to do with him). I'm looking to take control of my own life. I guess, I'm just frustrated -it's definitely been a change of plans. I know he loves me very much, but why isn't he jumping at the opportunity to spend his life with me?

[Scout]

How long have you been seeing him?

[d346]

3 years. the first was long distance, then we foolishly moved in together (right away) when we moved to the same city... without talking about a general timeline for the future. (I don't recommend that!) Once the honeymoon period wore off, I was asking about the next step, and he was saying "what's the rush?" and we began to fight about it.

 

I guess, ideally, one would say if he can't commit, I should cut off all ties and find someone who will. We had that wedding and the talk this past weekend. I was firm, and told him that's what I want in my future, and he knew this when he decided to reconcile. I told him I DO NOT want to be with him if he can't give me this. That's when he told me that "it will all work out"

 

Perhaps it's his age, I don't know. So I've told myself I just have to trust him for now. But of course I have doubts...

[Scout]

Hmmm....you know, your situation and others is making me wonder about the wisdom of moving in with someone before marrying. I think I'm going to post a new topic asking people what their take is on this. Does it do more damage than not to a relationship? Is it like a trial marriage without the commitment? Stay tuned....

[d346]

I do not recommend it!

 

I almost think we'd be engaged by now if we took the normal "even keeled" pace...

[Scout]

Ok, just posted a new topic about this on the Relationship Commitment forum.

[GymSweetie]

Hi,

I am involved with a self-professed commitment phobe also. He was married for 12 yrs/divorced/and now sez he will never re-marry. After he & I became involved I happened accross the book "Men Who Can't Love" laying around the house and read it cover to cover. If you haven't read it yet, you owe it to yourself to do so. It will give you some insight into how the commitment phobe thinks, feels and operates. It should be called "Men Who Can't Commit".

[Scout]

It seems to me that if he managed to stay in a marriage for 12 years, he at least has some ability to commit. Imagine if he had never married - then I would say its fair to call himself a commitphobe. Right now, he's probably just skittish because of his past experience. Or, maybe he just doesn't think he could commit to you, but doesn't want to upset you by saying so directly.

[enuffalready]

Just because a man has been married for a lengthy period of time does not mean he doesn't have commitment issues. You can be in a long term relationship and avoid intimacy/closeness. In fact, I believe in the book "Men Who Can't Commit" it mentions this. I just came out of a relationship with a man that has heavy duty issues such as this and he was in 2 long term/gone bad marriages. In fact, in his second marriage his wife was having a 6 year affair before he found out. She was good at living a double life, but he had to be totally out of touch not to have an inkling. He too was very scared of having another long term relationship and very much admitted he had "emotional intimacy" avoidance issues. I had to end the relationship for that reason..I need to feel important and since I am older..my future is now an I can't be with someone who is indecisive and withholding...None of us deserve that....

[Luciana]

Enufalready, was it very hard? I know it's easier said then done when you are in love and you have HOPE.

 

Although I hate to play games, I wonder what would happen if the woman says SHE never wants to get married. Will he be happy with that and date her forever or will that make him WANT to marry her (as a challenge)?

 

Everyone of us has a time frame. Some can wait 5 years (if you are young or if you have had your children), some can only wait 1 year, etc.

But waiting for a man to commit is heatbreaking. I have a friend whose BF doens't want to marry her; they've been together for 4 years almost. He doesn't even want to live with her (although she doens't like that idea either). Whenever there is a party, she drinks too much and I know she is in pain, although she pretends she is ok.

I am living together with a guy who I dated for 5 years. I think one year of living together is enough of a test. One year will be October. I havetalked to him about it (nicely) and he doesn't say a word. He clams up. I know I have a new problem (living together and giving me ring was a struggle). What I am thinking of doing is telling him if he doesn't want to get married, maybe we should go back to just dating, each in their own house. That's a subtle way of saying: "since you don't want marriage I can't live with you anymore because this way I can't meet other men".

Of course, after living together, if he moves out I will start dating around, and chances are our relationship will die of natural causes..

Why is it so difficult?

[enuffalready]

It was VERY hard. I thought/think I am in love with this person, but I also know as much as I care about him, I also care about myself and do not want to be hurt or get crumbs vs. the whole loaf. If marriage is what you want than you should be with someone who wants the same things. I am probably much older than you and although I don't think I want to be married again, I do want someone that thinks of me as a priority and wants to spend quality time with me.

 

It hurts because love is one of the strongest emotions we can feel and it is hard to separate from someone we love whether it is out of choice or not. However, it is sometimes necessary if we are going to get all the things we deserve out of this life.

[Luciana]

I am 43, and I was married for 16 years before! I never had this problem with my first husband; we decided to get married jointly and everything went smoothly. Now I am stuck with this commitment phobe...