Feel like I'm losing my sanity

[nodolan]

Hi everyone. I've read through as much as possible and I'm still not quite sure where to post this so feel free moderator to move it if necessary.

 

I don't kn ow whether or not to give you the full story as it is quite long - it can be found at my home page btw.

 

The story goes: I was a religious fundamentalist and a virgin at 32 because I was 'keeping myself'. She was a 'white witch' and fairly liberal in her sex life. We met at work. I was disillusioned with my faith and I gave myself to her. It was great but we hit trouble immediately. I confessed my 'sins' to my church. They told me to break up. She tried to convert but stopped halfway which left her in a psychological mess. We hung on to each other for dear life and fought everyone to stay together. I lost most of my social world/church life. I was sorta disfellowshipped. We moved in together. We had some terrible rows because of the pressures on us - for the first year I felt really guilty after sex even though I enjoyed it while I was doing it. Her grandmother died, my grandmother and then my uncle died. We moved to another county and I went to college. She helped support me through it but hated her job. She kissed some other guy at a New Years party - we fought. She kissed and fondled another guy at a wedding about 4 month's later. We got married July 19th 2002. Xmas 2002 she had a sexual 'indiscretion' with a mutual friend from Spain - she insists they didn't have intercourse. I was doing my exams - we had a row that lasted weeks - I got him sacked from his job and he had to leave the country. I almost had a nervous breakdown and had to be sedated by my doctor. We patched things up and seemed to get along for 6 months when she went to another city to a party. There was a communication blackout on her part for a day and I lost it because this had been her m.o. before when she was being unfaithful. We fought for several days and she blocked me out. I had no job, no religion and seemingly no wife - I took an overdose. She broke into our house and 'rescued' me. We moved to another city and started going to therapy. Last xmas while I was in another city working she called to say she was leaving me. I've been crying on and off for 7 months. We've done the NC bit and broken it. We've met and discussed stuff. We've kissed and cuddled. I have tried everything possible to bring us back together but she has frustrated it all the way. Yet she comes to me and sends me messages saying that she has always loved me and still loves me. She asked me a couple of weeks ago to go out with her again to try to rebuild then the next day she backed down again. We were supposed to have a day out yesterday as a precusor to starting together. I asked her to clarify another of her 'indiscretions' that she had 3 months ago. After kissing and cuddling with me two weeks in a row she kissed and cuddled some other guy at a party. She said at the time that she knew him from work but refused to elaborate. She said that it didn't count as being unfaithful because we were separated (even though she was still kissing and cuddling me?). I asked her last Saturday to clarify what had happened before we went out on Sunday - she refused. I asked her was she still seeing him - her answer: "I refuse to answer that". I asked her to assure me she wouldn't two-time me again - her answer: "I can't give you that assurance". I went home and texted her. Told her she was the most dishonest, distrustful and deceitful person I knew. Two hours later she replied saying: "I'm not seeing anyone else, you're doing this to yourself". I was stunned. Why would she deliberately mislead me? Why would she play a game like this? I'm heartbroken all over again. I've changed my phone number and I've decided that if she wants to communicate with me again she'll have to do it with the therapist present.

I honestly felt like I was losing touch with reality over the weekend. I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare. How do you get over someone? How do you cut them outta your life? I've made new friends, got a new place to live and a new job - all that's left is to never see her again - yet I'm afriad to do that - when we were good we were great but when we were bad we were terrible. I really believe she has serious psychological issues when she can play games with my heart and mind like that.

[Sadness_Creeping]

wow,

 

frist of all, thats a long story...and dude.... and I feel fer ya.

 

but ya, frist is frist, take time for your self....dont rush things...just go with the flow. You made the right move with the phone number change...no contact always a good idea. I needed that for like about 2 months after my last gf. Now i can finally talk to her online...and probley always will.

anyways, keep pushin forwards and dont give up...maybe think about getting back into a church community like you where before....they tend to make you feel better if you used to them...ya never know you just might make a few good friends there.

Good luck

pm me if you need vent..etc.

-SC

[auburnslp]

that is just awful brother...

 

first of all, you must really love this woman...she treated you like crap time and again yet you kept coming back for more...

 

she continues to play games with you, as you said...you cannot allow this. Whether or not she is "two-timing"you anymore, the fact that she obviously enjoyed your suffering over the possibility of it speaks to her character and heart, and brother, the words she is speaking there are not pleasant...and I don't know you, but I can tell you for sure-you deserve better...

 

I was glad to read that you are not interested in continuing anything without counselling together...sounds like her issues are so deep that this might not even be an answer...

 

Listen-we all make mistakes...we have most of us fallen for someone that we should never have been with-I am divorced and my marriage is a definition of that...so right now? Don't beat yourself up over for the mistakes, just start to acknowledge them-start to realize all the ways that you were so unfairly treated...write them down and read them every day. This is an issue with her, not you....now is time for you to regain yourself and strength and self-respect...time for that...

 

Now-if you are sincere in a desire to move on-I would recommend absolutely no contact...she is a cancer to you the way things are now. She is slowly just eating you away. Tell her that you are done and you never ever want to hear from her again. It is hard, I am sure you still love her, but brother that is just no way to live...I cannot begin to express to you the surprise and joy you will find when you meet a girl that is able to love you truly...and I am sure you deserve that-we all do. Time and patience are key. Totally break ties, ditch this girl, find solace from your pain and find support on this site, and in your hobbies-focus on yourself-figure out your weaknesses and address them, fix them-you can do this, despite the pain-somehow when we do this it makes those painful days pass faster, and with each passing one, we feel a little stronger, especially if we are working on us...

 

I apologize-my personality is pretty direct...I hope you were not insulted by anything I wrote-but just know that I am here for a reason-I also am in pain, and somehow it helps to try to help others through it...take care and be good to yourself...

[nodolan]

Hi Sadness_Creeping & auburnslp - thanks for your replies.

 

Yeah Sadness_Creeping I feel good about the phone number change and yet at the same time feel bad. What if she's trying to contact me even now but then I stop myself and say NO! I have to stop this madness somewhere somehow. I'm afraid returning to any kind of church is totally out - I've burnt all of my bridges in every possible way including faith etc.

 

auburnslp your directness is appreciated - it's what I wanted in a relationship with my wife. She uses my overdose to defend her actions - she tries to cancel out all the stuff she did with what I did but as you said her issues do seem to be very deep. I really was astounded that she would play such a game with my mind and heart. It's like something a secret service or cult would do. It's really screwed up. It seems that every time I tried to bring reconciliation she twarted it somehow even though she seemed to want it also. I thought we couldn't break things any further but...she managed. Now I couldn't believe her if she was swearing in front of a judge. She's turned lies into truth and truth into lies.

 

You said "she is a cancer to you the way things are now. She is slowly just eating you away" and that is so true - I honestly feel like my physical and mental health has deteriorated. You said "I cannot begin to express to you the surprise and joy you will find when you meet a girl that is able to love you truly" and that is something that I have honestly dreamt of in the last few months. I'm still crying after 7 months?? Even as I write this I have to stop every so often to wipe away the tears. I even considered another overdose earlier today I was so confused and upset but then I just said no - she's really not worth it - I just didn't want to give up on her/us until I knew there's was absolutely no hope. Noel.

[auburnslp]

Noel-it's ok...and thanks for being so honest and direct yourself-helps us on here to cut to the chase...and listen...a couple things...there is no such thing as burned bridges...they can always be rebuilt...can't they? An analogy, but there is truth there...If you have alienated the people in your church with the events of your life, well, I have to say something quickly about that-they are not worthy of you. And their faith and the character of the church as a whole is compromised, weak, wrong, and awful...listen, are you Christian? If so, the Bible directs us to not just let the lost sheep come home, but to go and search for him! There is an old testament story that entails a son returning home after squandering his inheritance-can't remember which book-and the father welcomes him home and throws a party! His other sons are jealous, as they stayed behind and worked for the father, but the point is, you will always be welcomed back...truth, you just might have a hard time believing it-God is forgiveness...end of story, and if the Church you attended did not mirror that, well it is time to find a new Church...

 

ok, still crying after 7 months? Normal my friend, you want to know why??? Simple answer-I am living it-I cried today for this same reason...she is still in your life, even when it is clearly time to let it go. I made this same mistake-she split from me 3 months ago, we went a month with no contact, but then,...slowly but surely we came back together, despite the fact that I knew it would not end up with us together...I was weak, because I love her. My point is though I healed in that month of no contact-I was getting stronger every day...not healed completely, but better every day. Then, we started hanging out, as "friends", which then led to spending more time together, to the point that last Friday we spent the night together, no sex but physical contact was present, and we have shared our hearts-telling each other that we still love each other, etc. But, the problem is that nothing has changed...she is still committed to her decision to leave, for religious reasons, and so yesterday she emailed me and told me that we could have no contact anymore and I am not to email her either...just a shock, as I stupidly allowed my hopes to rise again regarding being with the love of my life...that is why I cried today...because with the recent events, I was still hanging on-both of our faults-a mistake I will not make again. We can not heal brother until we let go. A lesson I have learned now as proof...I hope you will consider this...

 

I hope you will consider something else...when you feel as you did today about another overdose, I hope you will realize it points to the possibility of a depression deep enough to stop whatever you are doing at the moment and get to your therapist...and doctor. Are you on antidepressants? Suicide is never the way brother-first of all, no one is good enough to die for if you are not getting their everything in return. That way you just lose, plain and simple...and from a religious standpoint, well I am sure you know the implications there...but truly, if you are still feeling this low, it might be time to consider a visit to the doctor...and a trip to the therapist...believe me, this does not indicate weakness, this indicates strength, a reclamation of yourself...a regaining of control over the only thing that you can control right now-and that is you. You are the only thing you can control right now. Gain that control and you will gain strength. Gain that strength and you will regain confidence. Gain that confidence and you will gain energy and drive. Gain energy and drive, and well, after that, there is no limit, no ceiling...brother, you have such a life ahead of you. Don't let the past keep you from finding it. My best, and my hopes and prayers...Michael

[nodolan]

Hi Michael,

Man I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I looked up your posts and found your story:

 

 

 

I'm really sorry - I was one of those religious people and I would've given her the same advice - I'm so sorry.

 

You said "there is no such thing as burned bridges...they can always be rebuilt...can't they?" I'm afraid not. I've completely lost all faith in god etc. I've swung to the other end/side of the pendulum and am now completely atheistic but lets not go down that road my friend.

 

You're very observant - yes I do suffer from depression and I take a herbal remedy. Just before I returned here I placed an order for it online.

 

You say "We can not heal brother until we let go" but how do you let go? How do you give up? I know that effectively you distract yourself with hobbies and friends and fill your time so that you're not bored and start mulling over everything but like you say - we're weak because of love.

Noel.

[auburnslp]

OK Noel...tough questions...

 

First of all, we all have free will, we believe what we choose to believe. And I for one completely respect everyone's choice as to what they believe...in college I was an atheist...now I'm not. Though maybe I should be, as God and faith has caused the love of my life to leave me forever...but my life has been one struggle after another, whose hasn't? I for one don't profess to be right in my belief in the existence of a higher power, but it is my belief, and I am entitled to it. As you are also. Entitled to believe nothing. Not trying to get into a religious discussion here, just trying to say we are all entitled to our views, and that also if they happen to change, that is ok too. Mine did, as did yours...just in different directions...

 

Now, how do we let go? You are right...we distract ourselves, that helps. Friends, hobbies, girls when you are ready...but before all that, we have to let go completely. A big first step for me just occurred...my ex just came over to pick up my son for a sleep over, and I had my son ready to go when they drove up, and also had him answer the phone when they called. NO CONTACT is the key. We have to realize that they ended it, and now it is time for them to face the consequences. She knocked on my door to tell me the plans for tomorrow-I wasn't rude, but wasn't nice either. At this point, there is absolutely no chance of us getting together again. She has ripped my heart out twice, so I ask you this, and you can then apply your answer to your situation...is she worth even a second of our consideration? Or thoughts? If you intend on winning her back, your approach will need to be different. But if not, if all hope is gone like it is for me, then it is time to realize we owe them nothing, not even respect. Doesn't mean we should be ugly, but for me I can tell you I have had enemies in my life that have treated me better...it is this kind of realization you must first achieve to start to let go. I think this description is relevant to both of our situations. So look at it all objectively, let your mind rule over your heart, and the truth will be revealed, that we deserve so much better...that is how to begin to let go my friend...that is the starting point. If you let your sadness rule over your rational mind, you will just remain sad and won't heal. Use your head brother, you have a good one on your shoulders, I can tell that from your posts...and every time your heart screams out in that pain, just scream back, and trust in the knowledge that when this is all said and done, and we have spent the time to address the things we need to change in ourselves, we will be better, stronger, more desireable...etc...and there are gonna be many lassies out ther for us my friend...be well Noel, feel free to pm me if you feel led to do so...keep us posted...you have the world in front of you brother, it is all there for the taking...never, ever give up...Michael