Trying to see the sunshine again

[Katheelynn]

I never ever thought I would experience this marriage ending. I think back and if ever there were 2 people that belonged, it was us. I guess I took it for advantage, but now its gone. Im trying very hard to get thru the grieving. Ive accepted the loss and let most of the anger go. Now I feel such sadness. Im 52 years old and facing my old age alone. I cant help but think maybe that is what is due me I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to accept that I may not have a partner in my life. I miss the laughter, the company, the security. It happened so suddenly, I was not prepared. Honestly, I just dont think I can really love again like I want to. IM so sad. Its been over a year and IM making process, but I want to feel again. Im scared.

[Ant1975]

Kathleen,

 

I'm very sorry for your loss and I cant even imagine how you must be feeling but you've come to the right place for support. How long were you married for?

 

I have never been married but am trying to move on from an ex (we split 18 months ago) and find it hard but each day gets easier. You seem to have done the right thing by coming to terms with it and trying to move on. All I can say is that its never too late to find companionship and even to love again with someone special. Why let your age get in the way as there are plenty of single people who are probably in the same situation. I know its not easy but you have to try and think positive and only do things when your ready.

 

I hope these words provide some sort of comfort that its not the end for you. Just another chapter of your lifes beginning now.

[Katheelynn]

Thank you for the kind words...meant alot to hear someone else comment on how Im feeling...Im searching for the words to get me over this mountain...I have been reading some of the others posted and it comforting to read I am not alone in this pain and confusion...have any of you felt like you needed to write all this down?...I have...this is the next best thing short of writing the next best seller on grief....I am amazed at the changes in me...we (family) used to laff about how I was the Queen...let me tell you that I have been dethroned...in no way am I a queen...IM having to work for a living for the first time...IM not trained for anything so Im doing the minimum wage thing...I will be working till IM 110 years old....I still have 2 children at home going thru the teenage years...forgive me for whinning, but this sucks....I hears customers everyday talk about they just got married and they are not young women or they talk about their home in florida and their home in the north...their big worries are if their pc is ready for them to arrive....Ive lost the ability to concentrate on anything cept the guilt I have for the failure and the guilt for feeling sorry for myself...none of my hobbies mean anything to me...I try but cant complete them...my kids try to get close but I want to push them away and go back to sleep till I have to get up to go to work again....I can even tend to my house or yard...its all swirling around me...I went to get therapy and we sit there and ramble on about whatever....Im on antidepressant meds but Im not getting anywhere...I know the answer lies in ME...I know I have to concentrate on the good things in my life and the bad ones will eventually fade away....Im living in my bedroom when IM home...I cant make friends anymore...lost my old ones....I cant even look men in the eyes....I feel my youth is gone and with it any attractiveness I had....I miss the old me so bad but I just cant seem to find her anymore....

[auburnslp]

I will be very direct...sorry for that but I feel your post requires it...

 

How long have you been on antidepressants? It takes about three months for the effects to be realized, it takes that long for them to build up in your system to achieve the desired results...

 

Continue to get therapy...and if you feel that this therapist is not helping, do not give up-find another one...shop around, and remember, these people are working for you...so accordingly-demand a short first session, either reduced rate or I would recommend gratis...and conduct an interview. Tell them what you are facing...and aske them how they can help you through it. Just because they have a degree and experience does not mean they are good...you might have just found one that is not very good. Shop around-those quick interviews will show you which ones you can relate to better and also give you a first impression as to their worth and abilities...

 

You seem to be deep in a state of clinical depression-I am no doctor, but I have researched it extensively and I know the signs at least, even though I cannot diagnose...go back to your doctor and tell him or her, if you have been on those antidepressants for over 2 months, that they are not helping. Our chemical and physical makeups are all different...some work for some and not for others...there are so many others to try-it is just a matter of finding the one for you.

 

I will not sit here and tell you to be strong and get over it and I'm sorry for your pain-although truly I am sorry for your pain, but that doesn't help much right now for the trials you are facing...I will write all that until my fingers fall off for anyone on here, because we all hurt and we are all in pain, and I feel that for you. But honestly...the solace that I or anyone else could provide you right now is not enough...just my opinion, but I feel strongly about it...you have teenage children that need you now...crucial years...you need to address the depression first and foremost...and then the solace of brethren souls will mean even more, and those hobbies will become interesting again, and you will realize that life is not over, as a matter of fact, a new chapter has just begun...hard to believe any of that now, I am quite sure...but it is truth...there is so much out there, so many avenues to explore, and the ideas will come to you and also will be provided to you, here and elsewhere, but first you need to get healthy. I spent the first couple weeks after my girl left me not wanting to get out of bed. I am not diminishing your pain and all the stress and fear and struggles you are facing, but I am saying that depression is now crippling you...address it. Consider what I first wrote about your doctor and therapist. But it is time. You are only 52. Life does not end at 52, not unless you allow it to. Don't allow that...

 

My best to you, thoughts and prayers...sorry for being so direct...

[Katheelynn]

What a great reply and one cannot be too direct!! Thank you so much for being blunt, I respond to that very well. I have a tendency to get caught up in my sorrow. The drama of it all. Actually, to be honest, I feel like 2 people. On the outside and at work I am confident and up. Im professional, but not too friendly. No reall discussions of "my life" with the others at the water cooler. As I walk outside, I feel myself begin to transform into my other self. The ideas of what to accomplish for that day slowly begin to fade. As Im driving home, I ponder on where I am today. By the time I pull in my drive way, Im ready for bed. I dispise myself for being so weak, but IM exhausted. I have been on meds since 86. That was when I had my first panic attack. I was a paramedic and I thought I was having a heart attack. I experienced those till bout 93. What a hell that was. I dont have the spells anymore but I just cant find happiness. I feel like Im searching all the time. I drive myself nuts sometimes. By the time I have an appt, the confident self is in control. I bet the therapist thinks Im a case for being there. Even while IM there, inside me IM saying "why cant you help me?" I leave there with a smile and a wave and head for home. Again, by the time IM home, gone is "Ms In Control" and IM crawling in the house, retreating into my room. There are times I walk into the livingroom and it doesnt even feel like my home. Since IM spilling my guts, let me say when I go to the doc (more like break down in the doc's office in a pool of tears), I feel like a failure. Some kinda woman in her midlife crisis asking for drugs. I am on wellbutrin and effexor twice a day. Maybe what I need are shock treatments. That was a joke, but I am wondering why I cant enjoy life. I have a it pretty good and IM still not at peace. I think IM broken and have been most of my life. My ex hubby was wonderful for me. I actually began to believe I was pretty cool. Even desirable and attractive. I know IM lost. I know IM drowning in muck. Im to the point where Im about to just settle for not hurting. Forgive me for whinning, but this site is a tool for me to let some of it out.

[auburnslp]

nah, you're not whining...that is what this site is for-none of us whine here-we just hurt, and it is an outlet...

 

First of all, realize this...your worth has never been defined by the love of another...you had the love of another because of your worth...and as hard as it is right now, you have to realize that your worth and appeal remains, but right now maybe just needs some redicovery...and maybe some fine tuning. With recovery, and rediscovery, confidence builds...with confidence, drive increases...with drive and ambition, there is no limit...all good stuff...

 

ok, don't ever ever feel like a failure...when you break down and cry in the doctor's office-that is you being honest...that is you expressing your struggles-all good stuff-always better to let it out than hold it in-that doesn't make you a failure, that is a success...so...transfer that to your therapy sessions-don't go in there with a shell of strength...if possible, every time you feel like crawling into your house, heading for the bed, instead head to your notebook, and write down exactly how you feel and to your best abilities, why...what thoughts and feelings led you to that state...and repetition is ok here-write the same things over and over-just write them. Now...revisit these before each session with a good therapist. Arrive 20 minutes early and sit in your car and read through the week's entries...re-experience the feeling and pain, and walk inside with your notebook, and share it with the therapist, and hopefully you will break down in a crying jag every time, until the answers and strategies are revealed to you as to how to effectively move past this. The hard outer shell is necessary at work...it is detrimental when seeking help. You were a paramedic...any chance you are suffering from post-traumatic stress? Have you broached that possibility with your therapist? I am not speaking from experience, but that is a job that has the possibility of such a result, or at least it just seems to me.

 

Anyway, I do wish you the best...discard the shell when seeking help because all it is doing is preventing growth-do whatever you have to to get rid of it. I offered one idea...I wish I had more...and again...if you have discussed that issue with your therapist before and he or she has not given you ideas on how to get to the root of your emotions during the sessions, then it might be time to seek out a different therapist...good luck...

[Katheelynn]

Once again, thank you for your words...I am so glad I found this place..yesterday was my first day and the good I got out of it is priceless..I NEED this place to just let it all out and I will take your advice and just put it all down here or on paper. I will also review it b4 I go to see the therapist...when you said its ok if its the same thing over and over again..I had tried writing it down before and it always ended up being the same stuff so I stopped..I didnt think it was good to keep going over the same thing..gosh, my dreams were the same thing over and over again too...so frustrating...at least the dreams have begun to vary alittle and I think I have let the anger go..what does confuse me is when am I focusing on this too much and how much thinking about how Im feeling is too much?..I feel like I either stuff it down inside and ignore it or focus all my being on searching for an answer.