Where Does Love Stop and Insanity Begin?

[shylah]

This is my first post, so please bear with me. This is probably also going to be a long post, so bear with me there too.

I guess I should start out by saying that I am going to be celebrating nine years with my husband tomorrow, five of which we have been married. I guess maybe that is the reason why I have finally got to talk to someone for an unbiased point of view.

 

Our son just turned six. The first time my husband betrayed me was when I pregnant with our son. I was sixteen and he twenty and we weren't married yet. I had suspected and was told by many people of his cheating, but I did not want to believe it. I found a letter from this girl, we will call her l. The letter spoke about how she was so glad they were finally together and how much she loved him. This girl is two years younger than me, so she would have been fourteen. L constantly called my husband, then boyfriend's house (we'll call him z) which I found out from his mother accidently. She even showed up one night when I was over there. He explained this all away and said he didn't know why she thought and said these things.My whole pregnancy was a total disaster. I still to this day do not know what all really went on during those nine months.

 

I loved him so much so I just swallowed the hurt and moved forward, hoping I was really just jumping to conclusions. How could I throw three years down the drain? He repeatedly assured me that he had not done anything. That I was still and always would be the only person he had had sex with. I told myself he was only stressed due to having a child and having to totally settle down.

 

So we fast forward five years from then. I was accepted into an advanced health career course which was very straining on our marriage emotionally and financially. Z also lost his job. He thought that I was cheating on him at one time. My life was a huge mess.

 

Z began going over to friends houses late in the evening to "make some extra money." We began receving many private calls that would hang up. My husband and I began to fight daily about money and our relationship. It got so bad that I asked him if we needed some time apart. He said he thought it would be a good idea. I went to stay with a friend of mine from work. Once I was gone, he began to get really hateful with me and acted as though he did not want to be with me.

 

I was totally torn apart. He told me he didn't want me to come home until we got everything fixed. He said he was tired of fighting and we had alot ot fix. He said that I never paid enough attention to him, that i never listened to him, and most of all that he was EXTREMELY angry at me. He said he needed time to cool off.

 

Two weeks went by and still he did not want me to come home. I had finally had enough and I told him that I was coming home and he could stay with his mother if he could not bear to live there with me.

 

It was if that was what he was waiting for. He said he would not be staying with his mother, that he would stay with his "friend" who just so happened to be calling our house when we were fighting. So he left. I have never felt so horrible in all my life. This went on for another two weeks. Everytime he came home I was a hysterical mess. I begged and pleaded for him to come home. I told him I would do whatever he wanted. He looked at me as if I was a piece of dirt on his shoe and told me he could not stand to be around me. He said if I wanted to stay together, I better leave him alone. That he was too mad at me and he just couldn't do it.

 

Almost six weeks since the start of our seperation, I found out he was staying with l. I told him I knew and I wanted a divorce. That is when my whole world fell apart. I told him it was her or me. He said they were just friends and that she was "there" for him like I wasn't. He told me he loved her as a friend. All the phone calls had been her. She would call immediately after he got home and have a guy ask for him to make sure he was coming back to her.

 

I wanted to die. How could he do this again? I knew there was something between them. It had obvoiusly been strong enough to lead him back to her again. I told him I wanted couseling and he agreed. As much as he tore me apart, it hurt worse to be without him. He came home and told me that they had slept together-once when I was pregnant and once this time. YEAH RIGHT! The once this time just so happened to be the night before our son's first day of kindergarten.

 

Of course she was totally po-ed. L called and told me that he wanted to be with her and he told her he loved her. She said Z had said that he wished something would happen to me so they could be together but he could not leave me because of our son. She said their relationship had not stopped from five years before.

 

 

My only question was why. How could someone I loved with everything I had betray me twice? If had been two different girls it would not have even hurt as bad. What was so wrong with me that he was incapable of loving me enough to be true to me? It has been a year and as far as I know, it has stopped. But when will it start again? I believe that it will. I am still just as devastated today as I was then. I am numb. It is so hard to love and hate someone at the same time. But it has gotten to the point now that hate myself in his place. I hate myself for loving someone who treats me this way because I can't hate him. I have to forgive him if our marriage is going to last. How do you move on? How do you put something like this behind you? I have not found a way to be happy with someone and be waiting to be dealt another blow. I feel like I am lying to myself, pretending that he really loves me-this time. Pretending that everything that happened wasn't really that bad and that I am strong enough to move on and keep my family together. But what I need help on is Where does love stop and insanity begin?

 

Thank you to everyone in advance who read to the end and is willing to help me try to make sense of the shambles my heart is in.

[sparkler624]

Wow, I feel for you! Personally it sounds like he is very very immature. He is yanking on you emotionally and mentally. He doesn't seem like the type of person who really cares about anyone but himself. He's selfish. Honey you sound like a wonderful person who has been getting screwed over. The fact that he kept L for those five years tells me that he isn't going to be jumping to change. I know divorce isn't the best option, and I'm not encouraging it, but I think you could do better. I know you have a six year old son, but when he is older he could pick up on his father's 'ways'. What's truly important is that you are happy. Gain control over your life. Let someone help you (like your family) and guide you through this. Don't let the fear of being alone capture you. There is most likely a real man out there waiting for you who will treat you like a princess, and your son like a prince, and give you respect. Good luck and I hope my post wasn't too confusing.

[lonelyandblue]

AHH! Even thought the emotional out look is complex, the reality is not. He is a class A jerk and probably treats you bad because you are fairly younger than him and he has been your only one.

 

But, you know he has cheated and you do not need that in your life. Get out. You are still young. Try to have some fun. Work on who you are attracted to, so you don't end up this way your whole life. And work on being independent and self-confident. Hope that helps. I need to take some of this advice too.

[CherryGrl]

Oh, this is a terrible situation and I really feel for you. Since it was the same woman from five years ago, and she told you the relationship had not stopped from five years before, I can imagine how you are having trouble trusting your husband even a year after the affair has supposedly ended. How can you really believe it is over now?

 

Do you have any reason to believe the affair is ongoing? Or is it just that you are convinced it will start again, even if nothing has happened between them for a year?

 

It could be that he finally got her out of his system when he stayed with her last year, and she no longer looks so good to him. Maybe he really isn't seeing her anymore. Is he seeing anyone else?

 

Do you even WANT this guy anymore?

 

It would take me a long time to get over a breach of trust that big, if I ever could. You are right that you will have to get past this to make your marriage work. But he's going to have to work pretty hard to get your trust back. You don't say how he treats you now. Has he worked hard to make the marriage work?

 

Moving on won't be easy with so many years together and a child. But if you can't forgive him or trust him again, it may be the easier route for you than staying and being miserable in the relationship. Only you can make that decision.

[Mike_Wazowski]

From a Guy's perspective....if I was your big brother or your father, I'd go and kick your husbands butt up and down the street. I'd beat some sense into his little selfish pea brain!

 

That being said: For your health, and the health of your son, get the hell out of that relationship. Milk your husband for every last Dime you can get out of him and start a new life. I know it hurts ....I know that pain in your heart won't go away..... You'd rather be verbally abused and be with him then without him.....God...This guy is killing you.....

 

As I said, take your son, and take all of your husbands money and leave.

 

Good Luck!