NC Worked - But she left me

[wickedbusa]

Well, NC worked alright. Do a search on my story under my username. In short, my girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend now), needed space to think about things so I gave it to her. I did the NC thing, although it was very hard, and one week later she finally called me. Well, as hard as I prayed for her her to come back, she called me to tell me that it was over between us. In a relationship where I gave her my all, in the blink of an eye, is over. My relationship with her was wonderful and full of timeless moments. I helped her regain her confidence, her well being, and everything that she had lost in her past abusive relationship. And yet, her reasons for breaking up with me are her feelings for her ex.

 

What is possessing her to go back to her ex is beyond me. She got out of that abusive relationship and vowed to never ever be in a situation like that agaiin. And yet, her she is, ending everything with me, a person who gave her everything to get her back on her own two feet. How I will ever get over such a disappointment is beyond me.

 

What would possess someone to go back to someone who never appreciated them to begin with? Why would someone want to be back to where they started, being verbally and physically abused? These are questions in my mind that is making this break up not only confusing, but also angers me like I have never been angered before. I still love her, and when I asked her if a part of her still loved me, she just stayed quiet on the phone and told me, "You will always have a special place in my heart." So she went from, "I am in love with you, I don't ever want to lose you," to, "Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need you anymore and will not answer any questions you might have about my feelings for you because there isn't anything there anymore."

 

I hate life right now. Nothing is more painful than the person you love dumping you and telling you that there is no love or any kind of emotion left inside of me for you. For the sake of everyone out there, I hope this never happens to you. Even for my ex, I hope that whoever she is with never does this to her. It is disappointing. It's feeling of betrayal, anguish, anger, love, and confusion, all wrapped into one. All I can do is pray that God can give me the strength to love myself and the trust to love someone else in the future. Right now, I don' think I can trust anyone close to me. I just lost my best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

[lnxfrkk]

Hey man,

 

I know exactly what you're going through.I've been going through the same thing for the last 6 months.My ex was my everything,but there were reasons that she broke up because basically she said we weren't compatible.After 3 1/2 years you tell someone that?????but I know how you're feeling at this exact moment.It will take time right now to get your life back.Look at me 6 months and still trying to figure things out.Be strong,keep busy,use No Contact,as time goes buy,things do get better.I never thought it would,but it actually does

 

Take care

[CarterJonas]

Hello wickedbusa

 

I read your post and take note of how brave and sensible you are at this moment in time. A lot of people would be a wreck, begging and pleading with the ex. to come back.

 

Some people do things that make no sense at times. My ex. broke up with me some six months ago because she wanted to go holidaying with her single friends..do single things etc. I became aware yesterday that these 'single friends' aren't so single anymore and that she is now living in some dingy flat by herself. At the time I gave her everything, love, friendship, a good future with a good income, nice house..car..etc. She decided at the time that she didn't want this, which she has lost forever now.

 

If your ex. wants to go back to an abusive relationship then there is nothing you can do about it. This is her loss and maybe someday she will come to regret this decision.

 

Continue with NC, it does work. In the meantime concerntrate on yourself. I tell you things DO get better with time. Fill up your spare time with hobbies and activities to get your mind off things. Also meet up with friends.

 

You will meet new girls and love again, when you are ready. Keep posting if it helps.

 

good luck

[Pebek]

CarterJonas wrote:

 

My ex. broke up with me some six months ago because she wanted to go holidaying with her single friends..do single things etc.

 

Man, I can relate to that. My gf (now ex) of 4 1/2 years told me in March this year that she wanted to spend the summer with her best friend working in Sweden or God knows where and it was all after we had planned to spend this summer at the seaside as last year's vacation was so great.

Well, I've been doing NC for over 4 months now and I pray to God the pain eases a bit. There are still times I just want to howl. But I guess u have to believe it will pass and we'll all survive. No doubt it helps to vent on this forum.

 

Hang tough, all of you.

 

Pete

[wickedbusa]

It's a weird feeling when you know you still love someone deep down inside, and yet, you feel so much anger at the same time. I keep thinking that she is going to call me again, that she is going to send me an email, or even show up at my front door. This is so hard for me to accept and the strange thing is, I haven't cried a tear. I am so emotionally numb that I feel nothing that is going on around me. There is no logic left in my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore, but I am not going to beg for her back. Not this time, not ever. If she chooses to contact me in the future, then so be it, but I refuse to live my life hoping that she is going to cometo her senses and realize what she lost in me. I don't want to move on without her, especially after everything that her and I planned, but it is something I need to do. The anger I feel inside is what is getting me through the day right now and I just wish that there was something I could do to erase all of the memories I had with her....

[Pebek]

Wickedbusa - I know what ur going thru. Initially I also felt numb and thought she'd call or txt, but when it came to my senses what had really happened I almost broke down. Although I'm not the kind of guy to beg her to come back to me I did cry. Yeah, anger is one of those emotions that helps you make it thru the night or day. My relationship was going so good. I still can't believe she's gone. All we had is gone. I just can't stop wondering how she could throw away all those years JUST LIKE THAT?

She can't have loved me.

I'm trying to stay busy, do different things, but I'm still not me. 4 months is definitely too short a time for me to shake those memories off. I wish there was a minute in each day when I am not thinking about my x ...

 

Pete

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

SAME THING HERE! My ex went back to her ex. We'll get to my similar analysis, since I'm a year ahead of where you are. But first...

 

First of all buddy, you're preaching to the choir here. You have no idea how many times I ask myself: Surely no one knows pain like this? Do they scream out to god, do they cry like I until they pass out, do they lose 15 lbs in 3 weeks, do they drink 7 beers, 4 shots and almost have to go to hospital for alcohol poisoning? Do they email ex 5 times a day for a month? Do they seclude themselves for 6 months from all friends and family? Do they dance around the room pretending it's with their's and ex's future daughter only to fall to the ground clawing at their chest to remove their heart to escape the pain?

 

And the answer is: they really do.

 

Sure you're pain maybe worse than mine, but I can almost guarantee that someone has it worse than you. Not everyone has to go through this though. Life is really unfair at times. Sometimes I think that we should of died a very long time ago, you and I. Before we knew of this level of pain. It's the closest we'll ever get to what a mother feels when she loses her daughter to cancer, or what the Jews felt at Auschwitz, or those that jumped from the twin towers on 9/11 felt because they would rather fall 100 stores then burn to death.

 

Now understand that you have a right to fight for her. You have a right to beg and plead. It's debatable whether one shouldn't do this at all. Because at least then she would know how much she really loves you, and a year from now she might remember how you fought for her. But don't push her away. You have a right to hope for her. No matter how hopeless the situation, PEOPLE'S FEELINGS CHANGE! It's amazing how many times I've heard someone say, "She told me she never wanted to see me again, and then 7 months later we were married," or something similar.

 

But after enough time you should hope for the best while you prepare for the worst. No Contact (NC) helps you heal and help come to their true feelings because you're not pressuring them all the time. During this time you need to realize that you will become a better person because of this. You will get over this one way or another. I know it's hard to see that where you're now. And believe me I blew off that last sentence when people told it to me too. But read it again: YOU WILL BECOME A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF THIS, YOU WILL GET PAST THIS. Read it again! I'm serious. Even after saying this like 4 times, you probably wont understand the FULL implications of what it means for years to come. But so be it.

 

You need to concentrate on yourself. I'm going to play devils advocate for a second. I KNOW you're not a perfect person. I know you weren't perfect for her in every way. Sure, the entire reason she left maybe do to something besides you, even if you were perfect. But you're not perfect. Since my breakup:

 

-I've realized that I was immature during the relationship, and I know how better to deal with love and relationships. I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, several books on sex, more relationship books, and books on psychology, I buy books on 10,000 ways to say "I love you."

-I'm more self reflective, and improving myself more and more.

-I learned more about etiquette, fashion, health.

-I've jumped out of a plane twice

-I've volunteered EXTENSIVELY

-I went to Costa Rica ALONE and met so many girls there. I've traveled to D.C. I enjoy the great outdoors now.

-I read a lot more, shut off the stupid TV, and research things more

-I've added 10bls of muscle and dropped 3% body fat, eat better. I train in several different Martial Arts.

-I'm learning Japanese

-I'm more outgoing then ever before.

 

Realize that you personally have within yourself to make this the biggest mistake of her life. You need to turn this into a positive moment.

 

Now for my analysis on why your ex did what she did. I have a unique perspective considering that I went through the same thing. People have told me:

 

SOME WOMEN:

"Women are swayed by time spent together and feelings of 'love'."

"They can profess love and not know what love is."

"They can be attached to a past."

"They can not be sure what they're doing, but do it anyways."

"They can convince themselves with ideas of "meant to be", "the one", and "happens for a reason" philosophy"

"If she was still emotionally attached to her ex then she will go back to him. She has to break completely with him before she can ever really start a relationship with you."

"She wasn't ready for any relationship except with the one with your ex."

 

I really don't know your situation, but if she had any emotional attachment to him she can go back to him even if it's a destructive relationship.

 

-Was he her first love?

-Did he know her longer than you?

-Did he come before you did?

-Did he leave her?

-Was he suddenly rededicated?

-Did he say things like, "I've realized I love you, and I could never say that before." or things that make it seem like he's changed.

-Did they know this was coming before you did?

-Did she put you through any tests that you wern't ready for but he was ready for

-Did she lie to herself on any occasion

-Does she have any childhood (or otherwise?) derived issues of fear of rejection or insecurities.

 

Any of these factors will work against you for the moment, but for you in the long run if she ever gets over the thing that made her go back to him--which may never happen.

 

Realize that you probably did something wrong, because you're not perfect, so make sure you're better for the next relationship (her or not). But anything you did wrong probably didn't contribute to the breakup at all.

 

Search google, this site, or google groups for "back to her ex" (with quotes) to see how common this is. People go back to their exs all the time. It usually doesn't work though. So probably wont work for him, and there's a good chance it wont work for you either.

 

But good luck. You may get her back, but sometimes it takes a long time.

 

PM me if you need anything further.

[CarterJonas]

Try this - I might have seen this on the forum before.

 

Allow a certain time, say 15 mins each day to think of your ex. Then make yourself do something else, and if need be force yourself not to think of her. Keeping yourself busy will help.

 

I think that you wickedbusa have it pretty much sewn up; hang in there, things WILL get better. You cannot change past memories, only future ones, so do your best to look forward. I know at the moment you might say that there is nothing to look forward to, but time really does heal a broken heart.

 

Pebek - thanks for your support. We will all get through this.

[CarterJonas]

the_tiger_striped_cat said:

 

Search google, this site, or google groups for "back to her ex" (with quotes) to see how common this is. People go back to their exs all the time. It usually doesn't work though. So probably wont work for him, and there's a good chance it wont work for you either.

 

I have to agree with you. My ex. girlfriend broke up with me about half way through our six year relationship for some three months, before getting back together; she broke up with me that time also and she wanted to get back together later. Had I have known this then I wouldn't have taken her back and would have saved myself three years to give to somebody else.

 

Has enybody on this forum had a successful getting back together, by successful I mean years since the initial breakup?

[TheDoctor]

Hey Carter I dont think I invented that idea but I posted a topic about that the other day. That's a really good practice and it's all but healed my life. To Wicked:

 

I went through the exact same thing, exact same numbness, and most importantley the exact same disappoint that I still feel. I basically was pushed to a point that I had to leave my ex of 1 1/2 years that lied to me and told me shes over her ex, only to keep talking about the guy everyday for our entire relationship. Everyday, we'd talk about the memories they had, the pains she went through him. I was innocent and naive and didnt really truly understand what was happening. But I finally understood that someone can truly be sick enough to be inlove with one person but at the same time be with another. Its not that she loves him...its that she desperatley wants to continue what they had. This guy physically, mentally, abused her. And she even claims he raped her. I will not associate with a loser...i havent made 1 attempt since our breakup to contact her nor will I ever. As for her, shes back with him and SO BE IT. Who cares seriously? I know your thinking...well Doctor I care because she was my everything. But trust me....you learn that you have alot to offer and once you see what she lost because of the people surrounding you you'll realize that this was a blessing in disguise. My only regret in this breakup was I didnt slap her upside the head for putting me through all the drama.

[birdgirl]

If you want to erase memories, it does help to rearrange your house. Redecorate a little -- change the color of your bedsheets. Changing the bedroom helped me a lot.

 

Hide the things she gave you or that you bought together. Make CDs of music that you don't associate with her.

 

That helped me a lot, anyway.

[wickedbusa]

I've been making changes to get rid of everything that reminds me of her. The pictures, her picture on my cell phone, my passwords that were her middle name, everything. I spent a lot of time with some of my friends today and they really amazed me with how supportive they were towards me. Thery were there to listen to me, and were there to tell me that everything is going to be okay. They kept telling me that it is her loss, not mine, so I should move on, learn from this experience, and learn to love myself again.

 

The day began on an angry note, but after some laughs with my friends, I have hope that this is going to be something that is going to be better for me. It's strange how I even have plans to meet some new friends this weekend. I still have the occasional relapse of anger, but it is nothing like I experienced last night. For all of you who are experiencing what I am feeling, stay strong like I am finally doing. I am slowly realizing that I no longer need from her the things she was giving me (or lack thereof). I originally thought about fighting for her again, but why should I be the one to look like the fool again when it is apparent that she no longer cares about me? I'm moving on a day at at time and I feel that one day, she will wake up and realize dumping me is the biggest mistake she has ever made in life. But, I'm not going to help her realize this, she can figure it out on her own, after all, she did tell me that she wanted nothing from me anymore.

[wickedbusa]

**UPDATE**

 

It's amazing how I feel stronger even though this only happened 48 hours ago. This forum and my close friends have made it easier for me to focus on myself and no one else. A friend of mine once told me that people begin to appear when you are not looking for it. I believe it because I have met new friends and am looking forward to a few nights of going out this week. I feel so much better even though this situation almost killed me. I am enjoying life, and am smiling and joking around just like my old self. I'm keeping positive and am moving on with my life a day at time. As each day passes, I feel stronger, more confident, and happier. My friends around me are reacting to my positive outlook on life and it is a wonderful feeling.

[birdgirl]

This forum has saved my sanity.

[hazlcha]

Oh boy. "Girl goes back to abusive relationship." It was, as tough as this may seem, predictable. And it most probably had nothing to do with you, so I'm glad you're not beating yourself up today. Why do daughters of abusive fathers, or alcoholics, etc.., marry the SAME TYPE OF GUY? Ask a psychologist, but it's a known fact that they do. It really could be that she went back to the bum because she needed that for whatever mental reasons she had. And when she sobers up, she may come running back. No guarantee, and don't plan on it or even hope for it, but it could happen.

 

Here's what I've used when I've been hurt. I mentally put the person in front of me (when I'm alone) and pretty much tell them whatever I'm feeling, not holding anything back. It really helps.

 

Happiness, my friend. I trust you'll find it by just keeping going.

[wickedbusa]

I have thought about her coming back if she ever realizes what she lost in me, but I am not counting on it. Even if she did try to come back, I would not take her back. She has caused me pain, disappointed me, angered me, and confused me. I refuse to ever have her do that to me again. Once is enough and as harsh as it may seem, I have used the anger I have inside of me to, in a sense, totally block any feelings I have left for her. I deserve better in life and I am positive that I am going to find it one of these days.