girlfrend jus broke up, need advice please!

[max829]

Hi, this is my first post and my girlfriend just broke up with me. She wrote a letter and I hope this helps you understand her view point. Any advice on what to do and how i should approach her to mend things is much appreciated!

 

heres the letter typed up:

 

Dear XX

I know letters are impersonal…but I want to write wat's on my mind and how I've been feeling about us lately…and then we can talk after if u want…but I have to put all these thoughts down on paper so I can say everything I want to say…

The last thing I want to do is hurt u in any way…and I know u probably don't believe me but I truly don't want to make u feel unhappy in anyway…but I know at this point no matter wat I say…I'm going to hurt u in some way…but I'd rather be honest with u because u deserve for me to be honest with u…

So for the past week I don't really know wat I've been feeling…I think rite now ur felings are still at a different point than mine are…I know I can be mean and I treat u wrong at times…I don't treat u like I do other people…and it's not fair…and I'm sorry…u don't do anything to deserve me snapping at u…thank you for all u do for me from buying oil for my car…listening to me…finding songs I like…I really do appreciate all u do for me even if I don't show it….

I appreciate how ur patient and always so supportive with my emotional craziness. I don't think anyone could put up with wat u put up with…but I know a relationship takes the full efforts from both people…and I kno rite now I'm not giving u my full effort…I thought that if I give it time, I would be able to shake this feeling of doubt about u…but I think that's selfish of me to do that…to hold onto u and make it seem like I'm leading u on…I don't want u to be angry at me..cuz I truly value having u in my life..but I don't think I can give u a 100% as a girlfriend should.. I feel like u put in sooo much more than me..and I don't want u to have to deal with that…ur a genuine and one of a kind guy…that's why I had to really take time to think and write to u instead of talking to u…I wonder if I'm gonna be letting go of a good thing….i don't know if I'm being clear enough for u…I think I just need my own time rite now because at this point, I feel I'm not being fair to u…I'd rather tell u this now before more time passes and feelings get stronger…I hope ur not angry at me and not want to talk to me..cuz that would hurt me…please try to understand wat I'm trying to say…and don't take it in as me deliberately trying to hurt u…I kno u've been hurt before and I don't want to be on the list of girls that has hurt u…

I wish I can change my feelings…and I wsih that I can feel as strong for u in that way as much as u do for me…but I can't help how I feel…at this point I want u to know exactly how I feel…after u read this we can talk….

 

 

thnx again for your time and help!

[ECD]

That is a nice dose of womanese.

 

I will translate:

 

"Dear XX, I am not attracted to you anymore, and I do not want to make you feel bad, because you are a nice guy, about the breakup, so I am going to wrire you a long letter restating the same thing over and over, so you won't think I'm a b1tch with hopes of using you as an emotional tampon later."

 

She dumped you, there is nothing to talk about. I suggest getting over her and finding a new girl.

[goddess23]

first of all ecd, a lil more sensitivity would be nice.

 

but i hate to agree that this is probably over. although i don't agree that the way she feels is "im not attracted to you anymore, period". im not in your relationship but i think shes been feeling smothered. that you're too attentive, always keeping tabs on her. and i think she is a little hesitant to break up but from her letter, there really isn't any point in perusing it anymore. thats probably exactly what shes tired of. mayb after awhile of NC she may miss you and come back, who knows maybe by then you'll be over her. the best thing to do at this point is move on, and let things flow. if you feel that you need to put some closure yourself, send her a letter with your feelings so that you don't leave anything unsaid that you will later feel "i wish i had told her...". but ya, put some closure to this for yourself if needed, and move on. i wish you all the luck! bye

[dreamguy]

Goddess23 while I agree that Ecd was a little bit rough on max829 I still have to hand it to you, he was probably right. Before I go on, let me stress on the fact that I have nothing against women. Men can be worse !!

But most women are rather indirect when they express their feelings. I think this is what is meant by the term "womanese". It's the inherent indirect approach used by women to convey an idea or a feeling. There's something many of us still refuse to acknowledge: Women's brains are wired differently from men's brains.

Women can feel many emotions at the same time while men usually experience one emotion at a time (I have read about this in so many places). Thus the confusion women go through sometimes, when they cannot even explain their actions.

 

On the other hand, I think you're right about the fact that she's feeling smothered because she said "I feel like u put in sooo much more than me..and I don't want u to have to deal with that…ur a genuine and one of a kind guy…"

 

So max829, don't chase and beg her. Even if pursuing her does work, it'll only buy you some additional time because she might feel guilty. It won't revive her feelings for you.

If you haven't already told her how you feel, then do it (only once and just once) and let her go. Yes, it's easy to talk and say such things when we are not the ones going through your pain. For the record, I'm going through something as intense as your grief. My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. I tried remaining friends with her (although she refused to see me) then, after a while, it felt wrong. I realized it was not even a friendship ! I was an emotional tampon for her (as ECD called it). So I called her up 9 days ago and I told her how I felt (that I still loved her but I was moving on with my life) then I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore and that we should cease all contact. Haven't talked to her since then and I probably won't call her at all. Needless to say that I don't think I'll answer her first couple of calls if she ends up contacting me.

[howtodeal011]

hey max829, i am going exactly through the same thing you are going through. my gf of almost 6 yrs finally wanted time and space from me. we just broke up last week. the letter your gf wrote couldnt be more dead on of how my ex feels. this is the hardest thing for me to deal with. it sucks when you love someone so much and want to be with them so much, only to find out they dont have mutual feelings anymore.

 

the best thing i have done is after we broke up, we sat down and talked about the issues. really talk. we clarified everything. i know what she wants...and she also knows what i want. i made it perfectly clear im willing to wait while she figures out her life. all that i asked in her was to tell me when she knows that she doesnt want any more part of me in the future...relationship wise. that is all you can both do. there really is no point hanging around with someone if they dont want you. im trying to realize that right now, but sometimes it's hard when you relive all the wonderful memories you two had.

 

it is never easy to be the one on the receiving end. but right now just try and clarify things with her and get things straight. let her know how you really feel. that way you know you gave it your all. then you must either wait for her to come back to you if you think there is a chance, or start thinking of moving on. a lot of advice people have given me is that start hanging out with friends...start a new hobby...keep occupied most of all...or else your mind will continue to relive and relive the pain. yes the pain will definitely be there for a long time to come, but your job is to minimize it day by day.

 

dont worry, things will get better for you im sure. i almost dont want to believe that myself, but you just never know what happiness the future has in store for you. goodluck max through this very tough time. i know how tough because im living through it.

 

if you want to talk...you can always aim or msn me.