Question for guys: do you stay silent to drive us girls and womens crazy?

[velvette]

I'm not a guy but I've asked this question of my bf before (since he does go silent during intense arguments), and apparently it's because his brain shuts down. he can not deal with the information overload, and, whereas I get more and more agitated and have ever more things to say, he draws a complete blank and is barely able to form a sentence. usually at this point he goes to sleep and once he rests for a bit he's all better.

 

while girls and guys are different as individuals, I think there is a basis in that girls are generally more developed language-wise. I've come to notice more guys shutting down in arguments than girls (but of course there are exceptions! always). I don't really think they do it maliciously, it's just their coping mechanism. the more you badger with questions, the faster they shut down. once I realized he wasn't doing it on purpose, I was able to deal with it a lot better too (instead of taking it personally), and gave him the space he needed to recuperate. dealt with the argument after he cleared his mind.

 

 

just what I've observed on a personal level!

[Lucy__lou]

velvette and tiredofvampires, thank you both very much for your well thought out insights, and tiredofvampires, thanks for the link!

 

Great advice. It took a while to get feedback I was after, but ena delivered!

 

I will certainly be more mindful of the issue of language ability and the possibility that people are shutting down in future, rather than jumping to the conclusion that people are playing games with me.

 

Lots to think about here.

 

Thank you!

[jooj]

I think you'll find the answer you want in this international bestseller book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus

 

I used to have the same problem in that I couldn't figure out men, one minute they're so into and want to spend every moment they can with you and then the next day he just totally ignores you as if you no longer matter to him. This kind of behavior used to drive me crazy and then when I read this book I found all the answers I was looking for. It still hurts when that happens to me but then I quickly remember the explanation to this behavior which I read in the book and I feel much better.

[sidehop]

^another good book as much as some disagree with the theory, I feel a lot of the content is often times true especially in US culture.

[sidehop]

I suggest working with a less demanding form of communicating your desire to communicate, for starters. You can say something like, "I'm feeling unsettled/baffled/confused/in the dark about what I see here. It seems like you are feeling ______ about this, but that's just my interpretation and I could be wrong. I'd like to understand what's really going on for you better." And really mean it. If you invite them to enlighten you, and without blame express your own feelings of frustration or desire to understand, there's more chance of them seeing you as non-threatening. These techniques of course can be used with anyone, not just men.

 

Love this post and in so many situations this type of communication allows a person to open up even if there's been a heated argument. A very neutral and non-confrontational question is always better than gut stabbing accusations.

[Philos]

I think DN hit this right on the head.

[Mountains]

Upbringing.

[Jake]

Every guy is different but for me it was my childhood that I think largely determined how I argue or discuss things with those close to me. The short run down for how it goes is women are almost expected to express themselves while men are not really expected to at all. Boys learn from a early age to simply cope with their emotions and most often that does not mean that they express them. Therefore, to express ones feelings goes against what a guy is usually used to doing.

 

That's why it's particularly hard for a guy to express their emotions. So in a way you could call it a strategy but it's really a coping strategy.

 

 

Here's an interesting article, granted it does not exactly pertain to your question but I thought it might help:

 

link removed

[Lonewing]

I think you're getting personal DN. Right from the get go. Or that's how it seems to me.

 

And this is precisely why us men don't say anything. There WAS a time we spoke, but you met our words with such vinegar that we have learned it is better to simply say nothing at all instead. If we say nohing, you have no weapons with which it fight or twist around on us - you cannot accuse us of anything more than what you can imagine in your head. And if you go into any rant about our silence, then we have that disarming phrase; we calmly look up, and remark, "sweetheart, I love you," and then go back to our silence.

 

You rewarded our past response with defensive vinegar and accusations, and as such, we learned how to be silent. Simple Pavlovian behavior conditioning.