Me: attention seeker / loner /recluce. Can you help me understand myself?

[Lucy__lou]

I'm a loner. I've been that way for a long time. That's the part of me that I understand.

 

But I've noticed more recently that when I am around people, that I get anxious if I'm not the centre of attention.

 

In the past, I've been more popular, (by that I mean, I had people in my life who valued me), and haven't had to worry about being treated like I'm unimportant, but more recently, I'm finding that I'm mostly only around people who don't mind me, but don't like me a lot, and it really gets at me.

 

Generally, when I find I'm being treated as if I'm not special, I will leave the group situation and return to my solitude where I can give myself 100% attention again, and not feel so undervalued and rejected.

 

I'm just wondering if this is common? do people who spend a lot of time alone wind up being self absorbed and egotistical? is that what's happened to me?

[rich46]

Yeah I know exactly what you mean.

 

I am an introvert at heart, although I have become more confident in the last few years. However, even now I experience what you described. When in group situations, if I (probably falsely) think that I am not wanted then I go extremely quiet and moody, making things ten times worse. If I am in a one-to-one situation then I never feel this way because I have 100% of the attention.

 

Very frustrating. I thought I had made strides but I think I will be introverted forever and never like group situations.

[Lucy__lou]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I know this isn't a big problem, I'm just curious about it, so it's interesting to know if this strange and seeemingly contradictory situation is common or not (attention seeking introvert). pretty funny really.

[Shyguy20]

Let me tell you, I've been where you were. I had friends in Pennslyvaina and moved to another state. It sucks. I was cool in PA. . .because of my open heart surgeries. . .I had 8 open heart surgries and a defibulator in my arm. Then I moved and I was not that cool anymore. No one would talk to me. . .I'm still shy.

[Lucy__lou]

I was cool in PA. . Then I moved and I was not that cool anymore. No one would talk to me. .

 

It's interesting how where you live effects how well liked you are. The good thing about having moved around is that you can see that even if the people in your mean little town don't value you, you have memories of the places where people did value you, and you see that perhaps it's not all just about you.

 

Sometimes, I think some cultural differences and subsequent prejudices have no name, but can cause you to be treated worse when you move to another city, especially if its a smaller, more isolated city. It's just hard to put your finger on it, especially if it's not racial.

 

South Carolina? - sounds more isolated and scary than where I am...

[Hearigo]

I can totally relate and have had a serious realization after reading your original post. Thanks!! My head's spinning but that's okay.

[catfeeder]

Yep, I think you nailed something important. I noticed some years ago that the more self absorbed I became, the less it was worth it to me to spend my time with people unless I could be the star.

 

The problem with that was that fame really does offer little more than 15 minutes of satisfaction--you start to realize that it's more lonely to be admired by people you don't care about than it is to be invisible. In fact, invisibility was my way out. I shut down the show and started with a single day of strict and quiet observation. I parlayed that into weeks as I started learning a lot about human nature and the relative importance of everyone else--including people around me who I'd never really noticed before. I just started living this way, and I never went back. My relationships became deeper, I attracted friends who I legitimately admire and respect, and my only regret is that I didn't start doing this earlier in my life.

 

I think it's true that in order to have a friend you need to be a friend. Attention seekers are transparent to everyone but themselves, and there's no joy to being the one who sucks all the air out of a room. That's not value, it's something else.

 

Good post, and my best,

Cat