Someone please tell me are these signs that he wants me back

[PoloGirl]

Hi everyone!

 

Summary Ex-fiancee broke up with me about 5 months ago, saying he was unsure about his feelings for me and wanted to take a break, but I eventually broke it off. Never begged once, gave him his space, told him to go his merry way. He demanded we stay friends, but I told him we shouldn't talk everyday or every other day. Being friends was too hard, so I agreed he could call me once a month or so. He disrespects me and ends up calling more than once in a month over nothing important, so I get mad and tell him to leave me alone, because I need time to heal. I never called or contacted him once after the breakup, I ain't no punk I feel that if someone has made up their mind that they don't want to be with you, then oh well, I'm gone and it's their lost, because I know what I'm worth. This was all after he proposed to me on Christmas and before he moved to another state to work.

 

Last Month: He calls me and ask me do I want to go out to eat, I agree. We work for the same company just in different states and his company sent him to where I work at to do some work. We get to dinner, I thought maybe he wanted to apologize or for closure. But he only ask me about who I'm dating, do I have a boyfriend, do I still love him, do I still think about him, etc.. I do not have a boyfriend, but I told him I had male friends I was intersted in. He was sad the whole dinner and so was I. He told me I was acting cold and trying to be hard. I was just trying to show him I wasn't devastated by the breakup. When I would tell him, stuff like, keep up the good work, and I hope you succeed in life, he said they were cold words. He also wanted to know was I still wearing the ring, and had told me on a previous visit that I shouldn't be dating anyone, but couldn't tell me why I shouldn't be. Also wanting to know whether my mom hated him too, something he asked before.

 

After the dinner: We said goodbye with a handshake, and he asked me did it matter if he called or not or called me when he came into town, and I told him that it didn't matter if he did or if he didn't. I told him to stick to the once a month rule, and he said that I can call him.

 

Everybody tells me that he wants to come back, he never said anything to me about it at the dinner, and not to his mother either (she stills calls me). SO tell me what do you guys think about that. I haven't talked to him in about a month, don't know whether he is going to call me this month or not. I still love him and possibly would get back with him if he only asks, because I know he would definitly be sure this time.

 

P.S. He had a friend/girlfriend back in May, so I don't know if they are still together, or not. I asked about her one time in April and that was it. I never asked about her at the dinner, even though he asked about my life.

 

So please give me your advice!!!

[kekep]

it sounds like he wants you back

[blueyed99]

I agree .. he definitely wants you back. But, he's too afraid to tell you because he doesnt want to deal with rejection. And, if he thinks you're acting cold and nochalant, which you are, he thinks that telling you he wants you back will only lead to more rejection. So, he's playing cool cat.

[lady00]

agreed. the title of your post tells me he wants you back. from the looks of things, you handled the breakup way better than he did and i think that puts you in a good position. I think if you want him, you should tell him. it really looks like he wants you back but he won't go that extra mile unless you encourage him. good luck!

[Scout]

I don't think you should tell him you want him back. I think you're doing everything perfectly. Wait for him to make the initiatives on getting back together: trust me, if he wants to, he WILL.

[PoloGirl]

Thanks so much for you guys post!! The next day after the dinner, he was talking to his mother and she told me that she asked him was he still in love with me and he told her (with hesitation) that he loved me and he would always love me, but he didn't think he was in love with me. She asked him was he sure he was not in love with me, and he said he guessed not he was in love with me, whatever that meant. That statement is really what was holding me back from really opening a door again.

[lady00]

Hmm well he seems to be very confused and he's sending mixed signals in my opinion. I think all you can do now is just wait it out. Do you know if he is still with that other woman? That would probably add to his confusion. sorry i know that's not much help.

[kipster]

Hi everyone!

 

Summary Ex-fiancee broke up with me about 5 months ago, saying he was unsure about his feelings for me and wanted to take a break, but I eventually broke it off. Never begged once, gave him his space, told him to go his merry way. He demanded we stay friends...

 

Wow, Textbook stuff PoloGirl. By not being overly needy and by moving on with your life, now the tables have turned. Amazing how that happens. There'S NO DOUBT this guy wants you back, take it from a guy who's EX fiancee broke up with him And I also understand why those words hurt him. As a woman, you must understand that men have a tremendous fear of failure. He's seen the grass isn't greener and now the ball is CLEARLY in your court. I would urge you though, to not take advantage of the situation. If you want him, HE'S YOURS. TRUST ME. If not, don't play with him. Two wrongs don't make a right. But, if the both of you haven't worked out what went wrong the first time, then it will happen again, mark my words. I'd urge you, if you still do love him and want to give him a shot--make no mistake, that's what you're doing at this point, he has clearly surrendered, unless why else on earth would he be hurt by your words...a person who no longer cares doesn't give a rip what you say to him, yet you're EX is bothered by you telling him to move on..I can't lie when my EX said similar things to me it hurt as well...kinda like, as a male you feel like, "Damn..I'm trying to show her I love her without being a wreck..and yet she keeps pushing me away...can't she see?'--then try to be upfront with him that if he has another woman there's no dice and to move on. If he's serious, and only if he's serious, then you're willing to give it another go, but be firm in doing so and tell him if he reverts back even in the slightest to his former behavior and doesn't improve in the way you've agreed on (and there needs to be some improvements for the both of you, understand that no single person in a relationship is perfect, it takes two to screw it up) then you're out of there. And assure him, the second time is always easier to leave than the first. This way, you're upfront, your forward (men understand that its when you waver or aren't stern that they fail to understand), and you're clear on your expectations. Then you let him give his expectations and what he needs from you. If you're willing and he's willing, I say give it a go. Every realationship has peaks and valleys, but all to often one party always believes giving up is the answer. As a friend of mine told me using a STOCK ANALOGY, when a stock bottoms out, many people will get rid of it (i.e., bail on the relationship) thinking that the stock will never go up. ONly to their amazement, some months later the stock jumps up (i.e., you're partner's now happy with someone else or doing better than the dumper ever imagined) and now its too expensive (i.e., the dumpee won't go back) to buy. If you had only ridden the wave you'd have seen it through. But you panicked. So in your case, a fiancee is a lifelong committment and you have to take the good with the bad. If you believe that he's the one, I say live in the future, get over the past and give it a shot. But the ultimate decision is yours.

 

Kip

[PoloGirl]

I see that maybe you've been in a similar situation, so answer me this, he said that he was not in love with me, what do you think about that kipster? That is what really keeping me from leaving that door open. Did you think that also?

[kipster]

I see that maybe you've been in a similar situation, so answer me this, he said that he was not in love with me, what do you think about that kipster? That is what really keeping me from leaving that door open. Did you think that also?

 

PoloGirl, people say alot of things when their hurt and they even do stupid things. For instance, I've ignored my EX fiancee at times (post-break-up) though in my heart I would have liked nothing more to embrace her. But you don't want to let the other party know that you're hurt. You've said you've done as much in the initial post when you said you didn't beg or plead, yet you still had feelings for him. Haven't you ever said something you didn't mean only to regret it later, perhaps out of anger? We're human and if I had a penny (o.k., maybe a quarter )everytime I said something stupid or that I didn't mean, I'd be a millionaire now. Forget what he says at this point, trust your intuition as a woman and look at WHAT HE DOES/Behavior to gauge where his heart is. Does a man that doesn't care for you, look emotionally laden when you tell him to move on? I can tell you first hand, since I don't know you, if you told me to move on, I wouldn't care one way or the other. We don't know each other, have no bond. And if he doesn't care or love you in any way, why on earth would he be upset with ANYTHING THAT YOU SAY? Think about that...Also look at his behavior...For instance, if he was dating another woman and was willing to break up with her for you and to give it a shot, that BEHAVIOR tells you something. That he'd be willing to give up someone that could have a potential future with him for you. Does anyone just give up the known for the unknown? But honestly, this isn't even about him its about you Pologirl. Are you healed enough to be able to date him and forget and forgive about the past? Because if you're not, you must be honest with yourself and understand that the minute he messes up you'll leave, blame him and then be upset with yourself (as a woman) for letting yourself go back to him KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THIS COULD GO SOUTH. That's why I say if you're not willing to move forward and forget the past, FULLY, then it will NEVER WORK. You'll be looking for him to mess up and watching his every step and that's a recipe for disaster. That's why I tell people to make sure they're fully healed before going back, i.e., that you can honestly say I'll be fine with, or MORE IMPORTANTLY without, the EX whether they comeback or not. If you can honestly say that, then you won't be heartbroken when an EX comes back and makes even the slightest mistake. If not he'll be on eggshells from day one. Think of it like starting over, but knowing alot about a product at the outset. If you can handle that, still in your heart love him, and can ACCEPT HIM AND LOVE HIM EVEN MORE FOR HIS WEAKNESSES THAN HIS STRENGTHS (which is what MARRIAGE AND COMMITTMENT IS ALL ABOUT--but many of us now-a-days are quitters and forget what a true bond is) then I say go for it. If you do not or cannot say this, you're kidding yourself. It won't work longer than a few months max and you'll be back on e-notalone telling us how round 2 bombed and you NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. You can't want to get back with him to be vindictive (i.e., to make him hurt the way you hurt), that won't work because Karma's a B*tch and mark my words the next guy you meet will burn you the same way you burned him. That's why personal growth is sooo important and if he is the ONE FOR YOU he should be more than willing to wait for you, within reason of course, and to take small steps with you (i.e., dating him again) as a beginning. Also, if he really wants back, he should be willing to go to some form of counseling with you if he was a fiancee. I'd be more than willing to do this with my EX, but she'd have to come back to me correct since she dumped me. If not, the next woman will be getting one heck of a catch and it took me several months to be able to honestly say that. So you've got some real soul searchin to do Pologirl and if your a spiritual person I suggest you get some real divine counseling on this one. And please understand what you're getting into beforehand. This WILL NOT BE EASY....IT WILL REQUIRE WORK...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT...NOTHING WORTH HAVING COMES EASY....You're EX fiancee is finding out just that as we speak.....

 

Kip

[PoloGirl]

Thank you so much, you know Kipster, out of ALL the people I talked too, you were the only one who has given me thorough advice like this. I really really do appreciate you for your time and your effort. I will defintely take your advice into consideration. I am so scared to call him because I fear he might tell me he's still with that other girl, and that's like hurt all over again. I know how it felt the first time he told me about her and it was horrible

 

I wish you the best in your situation and you seem like a really nice, sweet, mature, intelligent guy. I know that everything is going to work out in your favor. Keep praying and I will also have you in my prayers. If God brought you to it, he will defintely bring you through it!!

[kipster]

Thank you so much, you know Kipster, out of ALL the people I talked too, you were the only one who has given me thorough advice like this. I really really do appreciate you for your time and your effort. I will defintely take your advice into consideration. I am so scared to call him because I fear he might tell me he's still with that other girl, and that's like hurt all over again. I know how it felt the first time he told me about her and it was horrible

 

I wish you the best in your situation and you seem like a really nice, sweet, mature, intelligent guy. I know that everything is going to work out in your favor. Keep praying and I will also have you in my prayers. If God brought you to it, he will defintely bring you through it!!

 

I'm glad to have been of any assistance to you Pologirl and the pleasure was all mine. But trust your intuition and in Him and all will be fine. I know your sitch will work out and please do not FEAR anything. Fear only comes in when you do not trust Him, to fix your situation. For if you fully trust, then you would have no fear. Like a child, he/she can go from arm to arm and not fear being dropped. IN your sitch, you're afraid that you will lose him and you believe that he's a good catch and I know in your heart you're love for him is still strong (am I wrong?). But rest assured that if he's the ONE then he's not going anywhere. And if he's not, he would leave you in a moment's notice, there's nothing you can do. So there's no need to fear for even if he's not the one, His best will be 10 times greater than anything you're Ex could ever be. And if the EX is the one, then give Him time to Fix him much like you need time to Fix you so you don't repeat the same cycle.

 

Also allow Him and your intuition to tell you what direction to go in, NEVER underestimate either. You'll be fine, trust me, your situation will work out either way and please understand that you hold the ball in your court. He want's to come back, but he must come correct or 'step off', if you know what I mean (from the dirty-dirty) .

 

Also, thanks for the compliments, for just a few months ago it felt like my world was crumbling under me. It took time, reflection, and understanding of what's really important in my life to give me new perspective whether its with my EX or without. That's fine, I know I'll be fine either way as will you. And both of our break-ups happened for a reason, we needed the growth and I'm telling you its such an eye opener. I've learned more about relationships in that short span than I ever knew and you too will experience a similar enlightenment. But you must trust and believe. Don't fight it, go with it. You'll be fine and let Him guide you...

 

And most importantly, I'm most thankful for you having me in your prayers and I'll keep you in mine as well. And oddly enough, a billboard on a local church that I only started noticing after my break-up recently said the same proverb that you listed above. Its amazing what you notice when you're eyes are open....You'll be fine sweetie, that I know...And I support you either way...

 

Kip

[Bingo72]

Tell me this, would you really want him back after he found the gumption to tell you that he was not in love with you anymore?

 

In my opinion, someone knows whether they want to be with you in the first year you are together. If he is so unsure that he actually broke it off with you then I think you should really consider your true feelings about him.

 

If he does this once to you then he could do it again say, after you are married. Also, how do you feel going from a fiance back to just a girlfriend?

 

I don't mean to sound negative here but think about yourself first. And if you do go back to him, make him really earn it this time. You have to know that it really does feel right.

[PoloGirl]

You are right I do need to evaluate my feelings, and honestly I feel the same way that you do about that someone should know whether they want to be with someone in the first year they are together. I was his first serious girlfriend and he has serious insecurity issues about himself, don't know if that has anything to do with that though. He was a person who always made sure of everything that he did. Yeah this was sort of a shock when we broke up, our relationship was no peaches and cream all the time. He was very jealous and insecure. I know he never cheated on me, because he was not that type. He could have broken up with me anytime when we were together, he never had to fear hurting me, we were always honest with each other.

 

In the first few months after we broke up, he always asked could he come back, when he was more mature about relationships or he dated or whatever. I always stood my ground and was like I'm not second to anyone, and I might be with someone else when you come back or just plain not want to be with you again. If we were to get back together, OH BELIEVE ME, we go stay together and get married. I know I will be 100% sure and I know he will too. We know how important it is to be sure. Ain't no such thing as running in and out of my life. He is very different from any guy that I have been with. I have had many relationships as oppose to him.