Where to go After The Initial Spark???

[EQIQ]

I am having a problem that I think many guys have as well.

 

You see, I don't usually have many problems creating that initial spark with girls, well sometimes, depends. But the problem I have, is after that connection is there, things go well for about 1-2 months, then... dies off, girl starts losing interest, doing weird stuff, and then I end up becoming "the friend".

 

Just wondering where you go after that initial spark. After things seem to be all good and kicking, I think I make mistakes, but... :S no idea.

[oldenoughtoknow]

What do you think would describe your behavior when you're in a relationship? Are you clingy? Are you a bit boring? Are you a people pleaser? Do you put her on a pedestal? Or, do you start to pay less attention to her or take her for granted?

[EQIQ]

I used to be quite a clingy guy, but been working on it for a while now, seem to be getting better. I kinda feel like the problem though is that I might not be doing something that I should be doing. Like, taking things in a certain direction you know. Like, I dunno where to go after the first few dates, not in the sense of where to go place wise, but how to take it from dating into a relationship. Something seems to be misseng, and I can't really put a finger on it.

[oldenoughtoknow]

If you've had clingy tendencies in the past, then maybe you may have downgraded to people pleaser? It's a common path. As I'm sure you've read and experienced, women are emotional creatures. They are attracted to a man with confidence and a sense of direction. Being around this "strength" makes them feel safe and secure, happy and content. Relationships are a partnership, but there are certain things you need to do on occasion as the man to make her happy and keep her interest. This probably makes little or no sense to you, because men and women are wired differently. But I guarantee, trying to be nice and amenable and trying to fulfill her every whim and saying things like "whatever you want, dear," isn't going to get you very far for very long.

 

Of course, there are lots of things in a relationship that should be discussed in a democratic manner, but there are certain key times when you need to lead. Do you ever show any leadership in a relationship? By that, I'm not talking about being abusive or tyrannical. I mean anything from occasionally grabbing her and kissing her, to coming home and telling her get dressed, you want to take her X for to dinner. Don't ask her for a kiss (I mean, not every time). Take one. Likewise, don't always ask her where she wants to go for dinner. Maybe she's not crazy about mexican food (or whatever you choose), but if you show you were thinking about her and you want to take her somewhere, she will gladly go, because you moved her at a base, emotional level, and she will go with you and be happy because her man is fulfilling her needs.

 

You know the classic "yes, dear" baloney? Doesn't work for anybody involved, does it? Women generally turn into nags because myriad needs aren't being met, and it's often because this core need isn't being met. A woman isn't driven to nag because you're too lazy to take out the garbage. It's because you aren't fulfilling her core needs as a woman. You aren't making her feel safe and protected. You aren't showing her you value her and have been thinking about her. And no, I'm not talking about coming home with flowers everyday. A tiny little thing, like taking a kiss, or whisking her away to dinner, or just telling her you were thinking about her during your day. Or recounting something that happened during your day and the first thing you thought of was you wished she was there to experience it with you. These are the things that melt a woman's heart...and keep it melted.

[EQIQ]

I totally understand what you are saying. And it does make sense to me lol, and agree with you, women don't want a pet, they want a man.

 

I guess I might be somewhat of a people pleaser. I get what you saying, need to walk past fear, and take charge. Not be afraid of doing the wrong thing, like taking charge in the wrong direction, and just do it. I have read this same thing many times, and agreed with it many times, but it's the type of thing that one just needs to keep in mind.

 

Thanks, nice reminder. It's weird, I am pretty "macho" 90% of the time lol, but when I am with a girl that I like a lot, I start turning into a wimp lol, just gotta change that dynamic, and keep in control.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Changing this mindset isn't always easy, and sometimes a reminder is all that's needed. One way to keep this in the back of your mind, while trying to adjust your behavior in your next relationship, is to use some objective comparisons from time to time. Say, you're in the grocery store and you're thinking "oh, I'll grab some of those X things that Schnookums loves so much." Stop and think when was the last time she did something like that for you without asking - if ever. Think balance.

 

I'm not saying every aspect of your relationship will or should be completely equal, like splitting the check with a calculator every time you go out. But if you're battling this tendency, just being mindful and asking yourself these questions and keeping a balance from an overall perspective can give you an alert that it's time to take it down a notch.

 

Yes, there are other things that you can do from time to time, like those I mentioned. It's exactly like you said. Leading, even if in a wrong direction, works. Tell her you really want to go to a basketball game this weekend and you want her to go with you. She may hate basketball, but if you want her there, she'll go with a big smile on her face (warning, this may not work for horror movies, cage fighting, etc. or anything she finds absolutely repulsive). A heterosexual woman loves to be near a man's energy. If you don't give that to her on a regular basis, she's going to lose her attraction for you.