Problems with fiance

[acidb]

I really didn't know where to post this, so I hope this is ok. This is going to be long too.

 

First some background. My fiance and I have a baby girl that just turned 3 months. The baby is currently having trouble sleeping. She isn't cranky, but makes noises all morning. I work 7:45-4:00 at my job to support them. She is planning on going back to school and wanted to stay home with the baby. She takes care of the baby at night so that I am not tired for work. This was her idea. I get stressed at my job and I like to play video games to get my mind off it.

 

Now yesterday my fiance was saying how she feels tired and lonely. I felt awful because I feel like I had not been giving her as much attention lately. She says that I am the only person in her life that cares about her and spending time with her. I tired to listen and make her feel better, but in the end she decides she is going to bed at 6:45ish. I try to take care of the baby, but she fusses a bit and wakes her up a couple times. When my fiance is tired, she can act kind of mean to me. She did this almost all last night and this morning. She told me that he baby kept her awake the whole time I was taking care of her, and that I need to spend more time with her because the baby seems to be favoring my fiance. I don't think the baby fusses all that much. I am not surprised if the baby favors her because she spends all day with her, breastfeeds her, and takes her from me when she cries. I told her that she had been talking down to me and acting upset with me. She agreed. I went to work.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I have some self esteem problems, and he talking down to me make me feel worse. All I want to do is work, spend time with my family, and then play a video game occasionally. It seems like I can only choose 2 of these.

 

Any opinions?

[charity]

3 months in??, give up video games for a few months. first few months of being a new mother is very overwhelming. your gf sounds tired and stressed and is working 24 hrs a day with baby. so for now understand that this is a time that is all about family and just do your absolute best. of course she should not be talking down to you,so when things are looking a little better you could mention that to her. its hard for a woman to let her baby cry, when she is trying to rest. maybe at weekend you could take baby out for a walk for an hour, so that your gf can have some time off.

[bulletproof]

How old are you? While I understand that you want to play video games, chances are your fiance would like you to de-stress some other way, perhaps by talking with her or playing with your child together. Also, do you plan on staying in this job permanently? Because if it's stressing you out now, it likely won't get better. I think you both need to re-assess your priorities. Also, she should not be talking down to you, but your low self-esteem is your responsibility, not her's. So don't use that as a crutch to feel sorry for yourself. Instead tell her that her tone/words are not okay, and deal with things like an adult.

[BriarRose]

If I understand correctly, you work all day and she is home, plus she takes care of the baby at night. So she is tired and depressed and now goes to bed at 6:45 leaving you with the baby at night? So you get to work all day and now take care of baby at night because fiance "feels tired and lonely"? She needs to get over it. You are supporting your family, not out pounding beers at the pub.

[charity]

If I understand correctly, you work all day and she is home, plus she takes care of the baby at night. So she is tired and depressed and now goes to bed at 6:45 leaving you with the baby at night? So you get to work all day and now take care of baby at night because fiance "feels tired and lonely"? She needs to get over it. You are supporting your family, not out pounding beers at the pub.

 

i believe this was a one night thing. and i'm sure she is trying to 'get over it'. its just hard to do when you are exhausted. becoming a mom is the greatest and HARDEST job you will ever do. for dad to mind the baby for ONE night shouldn't be astounding or incredulous. dad gets stressed at his job and gets to play video games?. mom gets stressed at her job and she needs to get over it??? wow.

[lostnscared]

i believe this was a one night thing. and i'm sure she is trying to 'get over it'. its just hard to do when you are exhausted. becoming a mom is the greatest and HARDEST job you will ever do. for dad to mind the baby for ONE night shouldn't be astounding or incredulous. dad gets stressed at his job and gets to play video games?. mom gets stressed at her job and she needs to get over it??? wow.

 

I agree... I'm sorry Briarrose but taking care of a child all day can be very draining and tiring. And then doing it at night, and through the nite, etc--well essentially she does NOT get a break. So this one particular night, she happens to need a break(hence going to bed early) and asks the husband to watch the child this ONE night. I don't see anything wrong with that. Parenting is not just a one person role. He works 8 hour days, she works ALL DAY and ALL night. I think when he comes home, YES he should get a couple of hours to relax, but after that, I see nothing wrong him helping a "bit" with the baby.

[BriarRose]

i believe this was a one night thing. and i'm sure she is trying to 'get over it'. its just hard to do when you are exhausted. becoming a mom is the greatest and HARDEST job you will ever do. for dad to mind the baby for ONE night shouldn't be astounding or incredulous. dad gets stressed at his job and gets to play video games?. mom gets stressed at her job and she needs to get over it??? wow.

 

Yeah, she needs to get over it. He is working his a** off and she is tired? And if you think being a mom is as stressful as being in the workforce full time, you are sadly mistaken. My mother was a single mom AND worked her butt off at a stressful, full time job. THAT's tired! And I cared for a baby for 4 years (not my baby). It's not like the baby was up for 24 hours straight. They DO sleep!

 

I read from your other thread that you only work weekends. Maybe if you worked a stressful full-time job, you would understand that it's not quite the same thing.

[BriarRose]

I agree... I'm sorry Briarrose but taking care of a child all day can be very draining and tiring. And then doing it at night, and through the nite, etc--well essentially she does NOT get a break. So this one particular night, she happens to need a break(hence going to bed early) and asks the husband to watch the child this ONE night. I don't see anything wrong with that. Parenting is not just a one person role. He works 8 hour days, she works ALL DAY and ALL night. I think when he comes home, YES he should get a couple of hours to relax, but after that, I see nothing wrong him helping a "bit" with the baby.

 

It's going to start to be a pattern, mark my words. It will not just be for "one night". And that's ALL she has to do is watch the baby. It's amazing to me that no one can see this guy's viewpoint. He works a full time job. So the guy wants to play the occassional video game after working all day to support his family? Yeah, sounds like a real bum. And I'm sure she NEVER watches any tv while the baby is asleep.

[lostnscared]

It's going to start to be a pattern, mark my words. It will not just be for "one night". And that's ALL she has to do is watch the baby. It's amazing to me that no one can see this guy's viewpoint. He works a full time job. So the guy wants to play the occassional video game after working all day to support his family? Yeah, sounds like a real bum. And I'm sure she NEVER watches any tv while the baby is asleep.

 

So you believe that HER job should be 24 hours(all day and at night) and that his job should end at 5, where he gets to come play video games, eat, chill, and relax. When does the wife get a break? Watching a baby, taking care of a home, cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc ALL of that is very much equal to his 8 hour work day. If for the most part she NEVER asks for help at night, and allows him to play video games, and veg out, then asking him this ONE particular night to help is not "too much" and she should not get over it. Let me ask you this? Have you EVER watched a baby for 8 hours straight, on barely any sleep? Cooked, cleaned?

Even if starts a pattern(which you don't know it will or not), when you have a child it's not a ONE parent job, it's TWO parenting job. She watches the baby ALL DAY. At night, YES he needs his time to zone out and relax, but after he's had a couple of hours to eat, play his game, and relax, he SHOULD help. I just disagree with you. Watching a child is difficult, and she probably needs a break.

[charity]

Yeah, she needs to get over it. He is working his a** off and she is tired? And if you think being a mom is as stressful as being in the workforce full time, you are sadly mistaken. My mother was a single mom AND worked her butt off at a stressful, full time job. THAT's tired! And I cared for a baby for 4 years (not my baby). It's not like the baby was up for 24 hours straight. They DO sleep!

 

I read from your other thread that you only work weekends. Maybe if you worked a stressful full-time job, you would understand that it's not quite the same thing.

 

i DID work a fulltime job after i had my son, and my partner stayed home to mind the baby. so now i can safely compare the two and tell you that that the so called full time job was a doddle compared to staying home with the kids. why? well cause it ends after 8 hrs, because i got to socialize with adults, because i was able to eat my lunch with my TWO hands, because i got weekends off and more then anything because it made me appreciate my son soooo much because all i got was a few precious hrs with him in the evening. i quit because because my partner had to leave my country and i felt like i was missing out on too much of my babys day.

 

the fact is, that when you are with a baby all day, all night, you get a bit resentful and lonely.its a mental thing as much as a physical thing. the whole thing is just a bit of a shock the first time and i don't think anyone is prepared, especially the first few months. yes there are breaks, yes you can sleep when your baby sleeps and yes you get to watch tv or make phone calls when baby is asleep but that just a couple of times in a whole day and if that baby is crying or whingy a lot, its very exhausting.

 

thank god for the good times and supportive partner and families. its so worth it and once the routine and support is there, its a great job and i love staying home with my kids. and now i get weekends off because i get to go to work at weekends and THAT is the extent of my social life.

[lostnscared]

I agree with Charity. I don't believe he deserves a break from parenting because he is fulfilling his obligation as a father to provide for his child. When he gets off work, his "work" ends. While her work continues even upon him getting home. That's not an issue to the OP's fiance, but this one particular time, in which she was clearly tired and wanted a break. Telling her to get "over it" when she has to do it 24 hours everyday, is a bit unsympathetic and very telling that you obviously have never watched a baby for a long period of time before. Anyway, to the OP--is there any way possible that you can help a bit more when you come home in the evenings? Yes still play your video games, veg out, and relax, but maybe do that for an hour or two, and THEN help her with some of her evening rituals, it will make her feel so much more grateful for you.

[turnera]

What does your fiance get to do to get away from the baby? Are you sending her off on Saturday afternoons to go shopping or have lunch with friends? Why not?

[BriarRose]

I find this very interesting being as how there are millions of women who work AND raise their babies - It really can be done. My mom did it. Yup - cooked, cleaned, and worked and cared for me. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't buy the "homemaking is a full-time job" line. I'm sure there are many working mothers who would be inclined to disagree. You do what you have to do. As OP is doing his best, too.

[BriarRose]

That is nice you had a job where you were able to socialize and had weekends off and it was a "doddle". For many women, their jobs are a little more taxing than that. (maybe for OP, too). It is also nice you were in a position financially to just leave because you were missing out on baby's day. There are many women who certainly wish they could do that and be home with their babies, I am sure.

[BriarRose]

Anyways, I don't know about you, but I feel like I owe OP an apology, as I doubt our little debate has been helpful to him. I feel like we have hijacked his thread

 

I hope they can work things out, as he sounds like he is just trying to support his family and keep his fiance happy.

[lostnscared]

I find this very interesting being as how there are millions of women who work AND raise their babies - It really can be done. My mom did it. Yup - cooked, cleaned, and worked and cared for me. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't buy the "homemaking is a full-time job" line. I'm sure there are many working mothers who would be inclined to disagree. You do what you have to do. As OP is doing his best, too.

 

The difference is that while your working all day you can socialize and not care for a baby that is crying and needs constant attention. Your not having to pick up and clean all day, or run errands. Instead you have a break from the baby for 8 hours, THEN you come home. That is the difference between being home all day and taking care of the child, versus being at work and getting a break.

Nonetheless parenting is two parent job. Yes he works. But he can help give her a break every now and then.

[BriarRose]

The difference is that while your working all day you can socialize and not care for a baby that is crying and needs constant attention. Your not having to pick up and clean all day, or run errands. Instead you have a break from the baby for 8 hours, THEN you come home. That is the difference between being home all day and taking care of the child, versus being at work and getting a break.

Nonetheless parenting is two parent job. Yes he works. But he can help give her a break every now and then.

 

Many women would consider it a blessing to be able to be home with their children instead of at work. Obviously, that is not you. To each her own. I used to work with a woman who used to cry before her shift because she just wanted to be home with her baby.

 

Nevertheless, I hope she at least is kinder to him, as he expressed in his post that she had been rather cruel to him.

[lostnscared]

Many women would consider it a blessing to be able to be home with their children instead of at work. Obviously, that is not you. To each her own. I used to work with a woman who used to cry before her shift because she just wanted to be home with her baby.

 

Nevertheless, I hope she at least is kinder to him, as he expressed in his post that she had been rather cruel to him.

 

Actually I do think it is awesome for a woman to be able to stay with her kid. My point is that just because she is blessed to stay home, does NOT mean that it isn't difficult or that she shouldn't get a break every now and then. If she were asking for a break every night, that's one thing, but this one time she asked for help, and he couldn't do it. That is an issue to me. Parenting is team effort. Whether she is blessed to stay at home or work, she does deserve "help" when she needs it as a parent and as "so". I have friends who are SAHM and it is tiring and yes, for the most part they don't ASK for help when their "so" gets home. But when they do, it's because they NEED it. I think it's easier to look at this when you consider the fact that she was only asking for help this one time, and for the most part is good about taking care of the child day and night.

I don't think she was cruel, she was probably tired and did lash out because of it. I do think that he needs to help out more(if he can) that's just my take. If I were staying at home, I would still like to have help every now and then. I would not be okay, essentially raising the baby by myself while all my so did was work.

[charity]

That is nice you had a job where you were able to socialize and had weekends off and it was a "doddle". For many women, their jobs are a little more taxing than that. (maybe for OP, too). It is also nice you were in a position financially to just leave because you were missing out on baby's day. There are many women who certainly wish they could do that and be home with their babies, I am sure.

 

i see you are very angry and sensitive about this subject hence the sarcasm perhaps. i see that no matter what i say you would not see my point. and that is ok.

 

to the OP, i hope you DO consider the points i make as you are living in that situation right now so it may be helpful to see if from another mothers point of view. i hope you will be patient and understanding to your fiancee as going from independent working woman to dependent (on others) stay at home mom can take some adjusting to for a lot of women. good luck with it all.

 

ps i wouldn't advise telling her to get over it, unless you want some possible serious consequences for your relationship.

[acidb]

I just wanted to thnk everyone for the replies. I am glad I got some different opinions, so I can see it from a different way.

 

Real quick just to clear things up. I do take help take care of the baby when I am home. I just wanted a couple hours to play. I am 26 and my fiance is 22. I realize that taking care of the baby is a full time job and I am very thankful that she stays home with the baby.

 

Anyway, we had a talk the other night and it seems that she was tired and upset about a fight she had with her sister. Also, I was not acting like my normal self.

[turnera]

Glad to hear it, but you didn't answer my question. How often do you take over care of the baby and let her leave and have an afternoon to herself? This is very important.

[acidb]

Literally a afternoon to herself? Never, but that is only because the situation we are in is a difficult one. We only have one car, and most of her friend live decently far away (hour or so driving). She does get breaks twice a week where she goes to the gym, and we try to take a "date night" once a week. Maybe she needs more than this? She seemed a lot happier after getting to go to the store by herself while my mom watched the baby (I was at work).

[turnera]

Of course she seemed a lot happier. She is literally almost NEVER unattached to the baby. You, on the other hand, are.

 

And, yes, literally an afternoon to herself. She spends 24/7 with the baby. Can you not be a good enough partner to do the same for at least 5 or 6 hours?

 

btw, I live in a huge city. It takes an hour just to drive accross the city to see my friends or to go to a specific movie theater or restaurant. Yet we do it all the time.

[lostnscared]

From what I know from friends that are SAHM, getting a break even to go to the store is NICE for them. I was even told by a friend, "Yes, my idea of having fun is going to the store. It's the only time I get a break." I found that very sad. I know a lot of people think being a SAHM is a blessing(which it is) and is a luxury, to which the husband has provided and so he shouldn't have to do anything but work. I disagree. I think being a SAHM, DOES mean you'll do a majority of the domestic household duties, and take care of the child--but I ALSO believe that just like the hubbie gets a break(when he comes home from work, eats, drinks, and plays his video games) the wife needs a break EVERY now and then as well. Parenting is a 24-7 job. Getting a break is crucial.