Virginity, the Pill, Sex

[sprkal]

I'm a virgin, and in a wonderful relationship with a man whom I believe to be my soulmate. Up until recently, with other boyfriends, and even with my current boyfriend, I have resisted having sex due to a mixture of religious ( I come from a fairly strong Catholic background), parental (if my mum and dad found out I was even remotely sexually active they would go crazy... and I still live at home so it makes it hard) and the fact that I'm not on the Pill.

 

Now however, I feel unlike I ever have before - I feel as though I am ready for sex. I dearly want my boyfriend (who isnt a virgin) to make love to me. The main thing stopping me is that I'm not on the Pill. I know its easy to get on it, but if my mum ever found out I was on it she would go insane. I know that doctors records are not available to parents, but I am concerned that if I went to another doctor (rather than the family one) to go on it, and then in the future my family doctor was to put me on some sort of medication/give me an injection or something like that, would that mess up the workings of the Pill, OR would the Pill mess up the workings of any other drugs that I might be put on.... Thats probably a question for the doctor though...

 

I guess I'm frightened of going on the Pill, because I dont want to be found out. My mum has a lot of deep seated issues against the Pill. But Iknow that it would be foolish of me to not be on it, even though we would use a condom. hmmm

 

The thing is I feel that I am ready, but I still want to take things slowly. Would asking my boyfriend to (whilst wearing a condom) just try penetrating me slightly (not fully go in, just stop when it starts to hurt - which would be quickly, as he is quite large) we are making out or doing the 'dry sex' moves be stupid? I think I'd like to ease myself into it slowly like that, just do something like that one time and then move on from there... but do you think my boyfriend would find that unacceptable/frustrating etc? I doubt that he would, but I'd like some other peoples opinions.

 

well that was just some randomness wasnt it... any comments would be appreciated.

 

-Sprkal

[hammett]

you can get the pill without your parents finding out, just go to the doctors and ask about and if they say anything to your parents sue the doctor. and as your 19, you free to do what you want.

[Rahll]

First off if your worred about the pill, I would suggest another form of birth control.

 

Depo-Pervra: It's a shot that you get every three months and is just as effective (actually slighly more) than birth control pills. It has a 97% percent success rate, is completely un-notcible (there no pills or anything else for your mom to find), and is long lasting. (it lasts three months). Also, it has very few drug interaction problems, so that if you have another medical problem develop, your not likely to have to worry about it becoming ineffective or preventing other medication from working.

 

The side effects are fairly mild, but it will cause your menstral cycle to change, and you may have some increased spotting. Also the cost is fairly low, only being around $300 per year, especailly if you get it from a funded agency like planned parrenthood. More info can be found at

 

link removed

 

 

IT sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy, and as to your questions of if it would bother him to go slow, the awnser is probally yes.

 

However, the inconvience to him would be very very small, and he would be happy that you talked to him about it, and trust him enough to allow him to go slow. When you go to your doctor and get the deppo shot (if you do) the doctor will perfrom an exam on you. One of the things he will find out, is if you still have your hymen intact. Almost 50% of women loose their hymen without any sexual activity. If you dont have one, your first time will not be very painful at all, and even if you do, the pain is intense, but very sudden.

 

You also have the option of removing your hymen yourself, before you have sex. I dont know if your religios views would prevent this, but you can do it at your own pace with a dildo, or possibly even your finger.

 

Definitaly talk to your boyfriend about it. The fact that he is with you withotu having sex, shows what a great guy he is, and how commited he is to you. I'm positive he wont have a problem taking it slow, or even stopping if it become too painful for you.

[June4life]

I've been on the pill for a little over a month. It's not bad at all, and I would recommend you get on it!

 

I guess its a little different for me-- my mom MADE me go on the pill. I didn't have a choice.

 

Dr records arent available to ur parents, and just keep the pillpack in your purse!

 

If u switch doctors, just let them know ur on the pill, and u dont want ur parents to know. They'll be understanding and by law cant tell ur parents.

 

I dont know what health insurance u have, but for most insurance plans birth control pills are free!!!!

[Rahll]

It's ture that your records are confidential, but with a family doctor, I'd be carful.

 

Most doctors are great, and will respect your choices even if you dont agree with them. But I've known and had a familty doctor who has accedentaily betrtayed my trust before.

 

I remember when I was sixteen, and had a routine physical. I had blood work done and requested that the results be mailed directaly to me and not discussed with anyone. The doctor assured me that that would be fine. However, a few days later, my mom told me that the doctor and left a message on the awnsering machine saying that my blood work shows positive (turned out to be a false positive) for hepatitus.

 

The doctor had left a message, on a family awnsering maching, one on which the recording clearly wanst me (my mom recorded the greeting) and instead of asking that I call him back, he said that he would want me to come in for a test to confirm that I didnt have hepatitus.

 

As a result of this message, my parrents got freaked out, all kinds of questions started coming my way, as to how I could possibly have gotton it, and everyone got worried (except for me). A few days later, it was confirmed that it was nothign, but the whole thing could have been preveneted if the family doctor just followed my instructions to not discuss any results with anyone but me.

[sprkal]

Cheers guys, its good to hear other peoples opinions.

 

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend & I have cuddled in his bed and basically got right up to having sex..but I still felt like I wasn't ready. The first time he suggested it I said no (I didn't tell him but I felt that I didn't know enough about it..I missed the whole sex ed. thing at my school & my parents didn't discuss it with me, and I wanted to learn about condoms, etc. first to make sure things go smoothly..) but the last time I just felt hesistant, don't exactly know why..maybe because it's my first time (I'm still a virgin) so I'm just a bit nervous about it..but your boyfriend sounds like a great guy (like mine so I'm sure he'll be willing to take it slow. My boyfriend (who's also experienced, like yours..) said that he's willing to take it with me as slow as I want, and if I sleep over at his place, he's make sure he doesn't go farther than I want. If he respects you, as it seems he does, I think he'll be understanding and try to make things most comfortable for you, so that way you'll both enjoy it.

 

But in any case, how safe is using a condom without the pill? Is it a lot more safe to use the pill & condom together, or is there not much of a difference? And doesn't it take time for it to work as well..like I know my best friend started using the pill a month in advance..can you just use the pill the day of, and it will work effectively?

 

I'm also really nervous about my parents finding out..they don't even know I have a boyfriend, and I think if my dad found out he would freak out..my family's not religious, just my parents (dad especially) are overly protective. I've been telling them I've just been going to my university's library to study ('til 2:00 a.m...hehe.) but I guess I should get around to telling them eventually..ugh..

[Lily04]

You know what..to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm going to tell them either. It just seems like too much trouble..they'd want to meet him, his parents, my dad probably wouldn't approve of him because he's an academic, not the manly-man sports-buff type of guy he would like me to date..and he isn't really model good-looking either (my dad's really shallow & cares about looks..) In conclusion, I know they would hate him before they even met him, and I really don't want them to meet him, which they would insist on if they knew I was dating him for a while. I wouldn't mind telling my mom but if she tells my dad, all hell will break lose.

 

I also don't know if I want to go to my family doctor though..I don't really like him to be honest. He's pretty old & I wouldn't feel that comfortable talking about this with him. I'm considering going to my school's medical centre, I know there's doctors on campus that I can probably talk to at my university. I don't know if you attend college/university, but I'm pretty sure they're free & confidential. I think I'll make an appt. when I go down tomorrow actually..

[hammett]

Um, YOUR 19! Why does it matter if you have a boyfriend or not to your parents? You could piss em off even more by after telling them you have a boyfriend tell them that you plan to move in with him.

[Lily04]

lol, true..I knew there was going to be a reply like that =) But, anyways, I don't think my parents would care about me having a boyfriend that much, but they would care about what kind of guy I was dating. But I don't really care about that either...I told my mom yesterday I'm dating someone & she didn't seem to care that much. I'll tell my dad this weekend but not much else. He's probably get mad that I lied about where I was going until 2:00 a.m. a lot, but I am old enough to make my own decisions, and old enough to move out if I wish. My dad is just a major pain in the a** with some serious anger management problems so I'd rather keep things in the dark with him, and leave him thinking I'm the perfect angel I always was. So I guess that's why.

[parisian_pink]

Well, I can't solve everyone's issues with parental overprotectiveness, but I can clear up some questions about contraception.

 

When I was in high school, I was a peer educator for my local Planned Parenthood, and part of my duties included sex ed stuff for my peers, so here's some leftover advice:

 

Birth control pill: 99.9% effective when used correctly. Available by prescription only, and when you go to get the Rx, you will need a routine pelvic exam. During this time, the gynecologist or nurse practitioner who sees you can clear up any questions you might have. Included in correct use of the pill is to take it regularly for AT least a month before it is effective. It is NOT effective the same day you start your first pack!!! Secondly, you should try to take the pill at roughly the same time everyday (like with breakfast or at lunch), don't skip pills, and remember that the pill is ineffective while you are taking antibiotics.

 

Condoms are 92-97% effective when used correctly on their own. A simple way to boost their effectiveness is to use a spermicidal lubricant with the condom; condoms with spermicide already on them in the package are available, and with this added protection, are 99.9% effective when used correctly. Correct use of a condom is VERY important, and many people use them incorrectly without knowing it. For example, do you know a guy who is carrying a condom in his wallet "just in case," or in his car? That condom should NEVER be used. Condoms are made of super thin latex in order to offer maximum pleasure. When cared for properly, latex is very durable, will stretch to fit any penis size, and will offer maximum protection against pregnancy and STDs. However, latex is very susceptible to damage by heat or long-term friction. They are best kept in places like dresser drawers and bedside tables. Spending time in wallets, pockets, or cars (in hot or cold temperatures) will create microscopic holes in the latex. Additionally, oil-based lubricants such as petroleum jelly or Vaseline, or any kind of oil (i.e. massage oil, essential oils, etc.) will break down the condom. Only water-based lubricants such as K-Y jelly are compatible with condoms. Finally, every condom wrapper is stamped with an expiration date. Do not use a condom after it has expired. Before using a condom, pinch the wrapper to sense a slight pouch of air. If you don't detect an air pocket, discard the condom as it may be punctured. If the air is there, tear open the side of the condom wapper and remove the condom. Pinch the reservoir tip, place it on the erect penis, and roll the condom down the shaft. If it does not roll down easily, it may be on inside out. In this case, discard the condom and start over with a new one. Make sure that the penis is withdrawn immediately after ejaculation to avoid the condom slipping off the penis, and have your partner remove it far away from your vagina. A new condom should be used after each ejaculation.

 

I hope all this info was helpful. Your healthcare provider should be able to answer any more questions you may have.

[Lily04]

Hey parisian_pink,

 

Thanks so much for the info., that really helps! I'm just a bit upset that you have to take the pill for so long (a month) before it kicks in, but that's what I expected. Unfortunately my boyfriend is leaving the country in about a month's time, so I think that's why he's so eager to further our relationship now. But I really would feel a lot more comfortable taking the pill & using a condom at the same time, because it's almost risk-free. I'm not sure if that can happen though..but he keeps wanting to have sex now, I don't really know what to do. I guess we could just use a condom, but I would feel nervous because of the added risk..do you think it's OK to just use a condom, without taking the pill if we don't have much time together? The only thing is that it's my first time having sex & I would feel a lot more comfortable being on the pill, in case the condom breaks or something..

 

Oh well..thanks again for your advice. And good luck to the OP as well. =)

 

- sparrow

[Rahll]

parisian_pink

 

Not to be rude, but your numbers are off.

 

Either you havent kept up with the latest information since high school, or you wernt really sure. Intresting for someone who works with planned parrenthood.

 

link removed

 

The pill, including the patch is only 99.3% effictive, and that is with PERFECT use, which happens to less than 25% of people who use it.

 

99.3 and 99.7 might not seem like a huge difference, but that's an extra four children per thousnad people. Apply that to the population of people using the pill in the US, and thats quite a few more kids.

 

A condom ALONE is 98% effective with PERFECT use. Again, perfect use occurs in less than 25% of people. A condom + spermicide is 99.7% accurate.

 

Condom = 98% or 2in100 chance.

Spermicide = 75% or 15in100 chance.

 

Take the 2% from the condom, and furthur reduce it by 85% or 2*.15 and you get .3 or 99.7%

 

So a condom + spermicide is more effective than the pill. And a condom alone is only 1.3% less effictive than the pill

 

Again, not trying to flame or get mad, just correcting your numbers.

[June4life]

Rahll,

 

what if you use a condom, spermicide, and have been taking the pill effectively?

 

Wouldn't you be over 100% protected?

[sprkal]

Ok, well that information is very interesting. I really dont want to go on the Pill as yet, but probably will eventually.

 

First of all to sparrow, dont ever let your boyfriend pressure (no matter how subtle the pressure is) you into having sex. IF you dont feel ready, or feel right about it yet, then just DONT DO IT! You'll probably regret it later.

 

My second question is ok so we use a spermicided condom, is it ok to use a normal lubricant, or do we have to find one with spermicide in it? Would the normal (waterbased) lubricant lessen the effectiveness of the spermicide-condom?

 

-sprkal

[Rahll]

June4life -- Even if you use all known contraceptive messures, (aside from abstinence) there would still be some chance.

 

Pill =99.3% or 7in1000 chance or .007

Condom =98% or 20 in 1000 chance or .02

Spermicie =75% or 250 in 1000 chance. or .25

 

So with the pill the percentage of getting pregent is .7%. We now reduce that .7% by 98% from the condom which =.00014 or 14 in 10,000 chance. We then reduce that number by 75% from the spermicide, which equals .000035 or 35 in 1,000,000 chance. 35 in 1,000,000 reduces to a 1 in 28,574 chance.

 

So using the pill + spermicide + a condom gives you a 1 in 28,500 chance of getting pregnent. FYI, the odds of winning your multi-state lotto (called powerball in colorado) are 1 in 120,526,770 for the top payout.

 

 

As for the spermicide condom, use any kind of water based lube. KY is the best choice, and is usually eaisly obtainable. ALthough, the spermicide on the condom acts as lubrecation on it's own, so you may not even need the KY, but its best to have it on hand just in case.

[sprkal]

LOL! so using the method that June pointed out, we have more chance of getting pregnant than winning lottery!!! how depressing! A good point Rahll, and thanks for your help

[parisian_pink]

When I used to work for my local PP in high school, they gave us a binder full of info with statistics and info for sharing with our peers. I held on to that binder and I was basically paraphrasing out of it when I typed my post. Granted, it was prepared at my local chapter, not nationally, but those were my numbers, so I certainly didn't mean to misinform if they were slightly inaccurate. My apologies for an unintentional error.

[Rahll]

no problem, I reread my original post and realized I came off soundng mad that you were wrong. I didnt mean it that way.

 

I'm taking math classes in college and am determined to put it to some what of an use

 

But yea, you do have better chance of getting pregnet using a condom, the pill, and spermicide than winning the lotto, on the other hand that chance is still very very small.

 

The moral of my posts.....Don't waste money buying lotto tickets and have sex instead

[jaiva]

Well I would go to the family doctor because that is who you've been seeing since forever I believe and they would be the person you would see if anything went wrong. The doctor not supposed to tell your parents anything especially since you are of age, that is your business. So I would go for it its best to be protected especially since you're trying to be on the down low.

 

Your boyfriend shouldn't be annoyed or upset if he cares about how you feel. He might be a little disappointed but he'll care more about how you feel if he loves you or has deep feelings for you. Tell him how you feel and express your fears before you get into anything serious.

 

Hope I helped.

 

Jaiva