Helpful Tip for Healing After a Breakup or Divorce

[Princess777]

Great responses here, I never thought this post would generate so many views either! Wow.

 

I think everyone here is definitely on the right track. Realizing what reality IS is the number one thing you can do, in order to get on that road to recovery. If you never accept the truth, then you'll be miserable forever. And no one wants that. It's just that in the beginning, you do what comes naturally, you grieve, you cry, you feel horrible, worthless, and sad, wondering what you could have done to keep this reality from happening in the first place. You wonder if you'll ever be lovable again. Not to say that it's ever too late to reconcile with your ex, but the point is that it's never too late to heal from anything in our lives. Just as many people don't heal from childhood wounds until they're well into middle age or later, it's never too late to heal from an ex.

 

Accepting reality and separating our emotions regarding that reality are the combined first step, in my opinion, to begin the healing. Once you give your emotions the attention they need and the grieving time has passed, which is extremely important as we all know, otherwise you're not being emotionally honest, THEN it's time to say OK, time to heal. Take control of the situation by realizing what is actually happening in your life rather than dwelling on the past. Accept reality for what it is, have faith in the universe that Truth will prevail (karma) and that everything always balances out in life. Live in the moment instead of in the past.

 

I know the pain is unbearable at times, I've been there. Most of us have. I think having faith is an important part of all of this too. If you can get yourself spiritually aligned, you will be able to make it through any problem you'll ever have.

 

Finally, think about your neighbor who just got diagnosed with cancer or someone in the paper who is desperately wondering if their daughter will ever be found again because she's missing..... those are extreme problems, aren't they? Problems that these people have absolutely no control over. And you still have control over how you can get through this. When we think about it, we've still got it pretty good, and things can ALWAYS, ALWAYS be much worse!!!!!

 

Great ideas here, and awesome support for everyone. I hope many benefit from the encouragement here. I am glad to be a part of this. Good luck to everyone in their recovery.

[sutton]

I've got t to say there are some awesome posts here. I really relate to what Nick said about creatign a wall against your thoughts when they wander etc.

 

I am in EXACTLY the same space as many of you, and while I'm not in the "clear" yet (3months since breakup), I'm felling so much better.

I still meltdown once a week or so, but I'm regaining myself.

 

Love the comments all, and Nick - I'm with you man.

 

Sutton

[victoria]

Pebek-you will be FINE....4 1/2 years is a long time-me and my bf just split after 2 years but really 3 unofficially. It is like a death, and it is really hard to fill your days and to begin new...But keep on keeping on. Do things for you, better yourself, baby yourself and one day you will be laughing and smiling and feeling soo sooo happy and you will be like, "oh my god-today I didn't think of her!!" Life is short and I know that is so cliche but you will find joys in little things in life, like seeing a baby smile or having ice cream or going swimming or watching a good movie or just laughing....you will be fine. you sound very strong...4 1/2 years-WOW! just think back about how it was 2 months ago or 2 weeks ago and give yourself a high five to see how far you have come!! Just remember, when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. Things WILL get better, they aleady have..

[skeeter]

Pebek.............. If you are 40 yrs young as your profile sez then we are the same age.

 

I was married for 16 years bro and with my Ex for a total of 21.

 

I can relate to your emotions and the length of time you are into dealing with these emotions already. 5 months is a long time but look on the bright side of things. If you were married like myself and had kids such as I do you could be suffering for much longer for the divorce preceedings really play into your head as well and alot of divorces can drag out for a real long time.

 

I was fortunate that mine only took 1 1/2 yrs to finalize but I can say I was miserable and I mean miserable for the first 8 months. Lost my job from my performance level failing me.

 

I have alot to be greatful for and that is my health, my friends, and my family.

 

TIME is the only thing that heals. There is no simple solution for we are all emotionally effected differently.

 

But really have FATE for your time for healing has already begun. One thing you shall gain from this is you will be a stronger person in life and hopefully you won't ever have to worry about repeating history.

 

I believe if it ever happened to me again in my future I would be able to walk away from it much quicker and not have to worry about my emotions taking control over me because I've learned from this experience that LIFE in reality does go on and can and will be better.

 

GOOD LUCK to you......

[angelsgal]

Here's a real simple one...no matter how bad it seems, no matter how bad it feels, no matter how hopeless you believe your life is right now...it always gets better. For proof, think back. I am quite sure there have been traumatic events in your life...ones which may have at the time seemed too much to overcome. It always got better, didn't it? Eventually? With time? Well my friends, this is just one of those times. Yes it is miserable and it is the worst...and I feel for all of you...I feel for me for having had to deal with it again...but as always...given time, everything works out. That's just life my friends.

 

WOW! Awesome words, Michael! There were several traumatic moments in my life and I remember thinking at the time that I wouldn't survive them. But you're right - with time, I did. And my ex breaking up with me doesn't even compare to what I went through and when I think about it that way, I do know that I will get past this too.

 

All of the posts in this thread have been very insightful and they definitely help.

[Princess777]

Another point I wanted to make:

 

It is a well-known fact that society imposes a HUGE impact on our self esteem in the relationship category. Everywhere you look, or listen, we are subjected to the concept that we are nothing without someone else in our lives. This is bull, and it is dysfunctional. We were brought up to think that fairy tales just happen and they don't. Situations are exactly what we make of them and how we look at them. We can be optimistic or we can be pessimistic. It's a choice.

 

The reason we all get so sad when we get dumped or betrayed is because we have been subjected to the thought that we cannot survive without them, and our routine is all thrown out of whack. Change is rarely welcomed. Think about it: Many love songs proclaim "I can't live without you, you're my everything, etc., or that everything important in life revolves around love." Well, I think it's backwards because it should be encouraging us to learn to love ourselves instead of investing every ounce of our being into someone else or another outside source.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying not to love someone and that it's not great, it is one of the most wonderful things in the world, in my opinion. One of my biggest goals in life is to have a wonderful marriage. It's just that I feel we need to rid ourselves of the false perception that we are nothing without someone else.

 

And, think about this: someone, somewhere, that you've met along the line may have never told YOU how they feel about you, and you may have hurt them, unintentionally, just as much as you're hurting.... don't think it couldn't happen!

 

Thanks for all the replies to my post.... you are all wonderful people.

[wow]

...to say thanks to everyone for posting. I've only just started reading this forum and there's already loads of great advice and inspirational words/stories. Thanks.

[Pebek]

victoria - thank you so much for your support. I really needed that. Definitely I feel better than, say 2 months, ago, no doubt about it, but there's still a long way ahead of me.

 

skeeter - I feel for you. My problem seems so unimportant compared to yours.

Yes, I'm 40 years young/old. Now I'm feeling like I'm 40 years old rather than young. I know that time heals all wounds, but as with any medicine there must be some side effects. I find it hard to look on the bright side of things, but I'm working on it.

 

Thank you again so much.

 

Pete

[auburnslp]

brother I'll be 38 in a month...and it is 38/40 years YOUNG. And the reason for that is that we have been through a tough time lately...and while maybe not over it...just wait...time will bring the fire and hope back...it is all true what they say.

 

I'm getting it back. A few months ago I would have bet you money that I wouldn't be saying that now. Life throws us that curveball sometimes, the knee-buckling curveball that we swing wildly at, missing, and then, on our knees in the dirt, all we can do is hang our heads, and be pissed off that the pitcher got the best of us that time. But you know as well as I do what happens next...we stand back up, with a set chin, and stare down the pitcher (life), and dare him to throw that crap again. Because we won't be fooled by that junk again.

 

We live and learn brother. And we have done that. Sorry for the weak baseball analogy, but it is truly time to stand back up, and set that chin, knowing that we have learned, and won't make the same mistake again. And move on with more strength, and resolve, and hope, for a better future. I ask you...if we don't do that, then what else is there to do? If you have a better alternative, I would love to hear it.

 

Good luck, be strong...my best...Michael