He won't let me go and keeps contacting me- should I reply?

[angelica]

Yesterday, I made the most difficult decision of my life. After alot of soul searching and deliberating I finally told my boyfriend of 8 years that were over. We have actually been separated fr 2 months now- but neither of us wanted to 'close the door' completely on our relationship, and so we kept in touch and admittedly I did keep him hanging on because I wanted to see if we could work it out, if I could change my feelings and to be sure that I wasn't making a huge mistake by leaving him for good.

Yesterday however was the day that I told him once and for all that I was certain that my feelings would not change and that I was not coming back to him- our relationship has run its course and we both need to move on.

At the time he took it pretty well... he was half expecting it, and was positive that it was best that a firm decision had been made. I felt relieved too.

Today however he called me this morning and asked me if I was still sure of my decision and that he couldn't believe we are over. I told him that I said everything I had to say and that I didn't want to talk about it again.

A few minutes ago he texted me saying....

Please reconsider I can't bear the thought of a future without you. You gave me hope and now you've taken it away. I love you and always will.

Should I reply to him or should I leave it- i don't want him to be any more upset because I still care for him... What is the best thing to do in this situation?

-

[AMON]

This sounds like a tough situation - been there done it and it 'aint easy. 8 Years is a long time to say goodbye to. I have had a similar experience and it is very difficult to close the door completely on all the history with the other person.

 

It sounds like you both need space. Some guys would not show true emotion when told it is over - your ex sounds llike this. Everything is taken for granted (talking from experience) until it is all over and your realize what you had.

 

I'm a firm believer in talking about these things - are you confident of the problem with your ex? as well as your decision? If so - talk to him about it and tell him your truth. Time will tell in the end...

 

I feel for both of you...

[tiger_lilies]

8 years is certianly a long time to just cut someone out of your life suddenly. Perhaps you need to wean yourself away from him. No contact would, in my opinion, not apply here. He will need more time to have the realization sink in.

I suggest not answering his tex. If he calls you, talk to him but keep telling him that it's over. But try not to contact him yourself. The more your out of the picture, the more he'll come to understand...hopefully.

[brucethescot]

Hi Angelica,

 

After 15 yesr my GF said virtually the same thing. She is 44. We lived together for 15 years. But she also later said she was confused, that she wanted to try to be on her own and live alone (but with our 8 dogs too). But there was also somebody else who she first led me (and others) to think was just a friend. When we parted she said she was with him.

 

But he is a REAL bad boy..a loser. Alcoholic, psychotic, ex felon. Can't keep a job. He is the EXACT OPPOSITE of me in EVERY possible way.

 

Your answer to my question may help lota of us. What happened after 8 years together that caused you to decide that it was over and final? I can't understand it after so ong. Did you try to fix it in the past?

 

Hope to read your reply.

[ggm]

I'm at a similar stage, except I was just dumped after two years. I suggest you talk with him. Explain very clearly where you are coming from...that you don't see a future together. Give him time to accept this...it may take a couple of months. You may have to repeat the same to him. After all, you are trying to erase 8 years from his life. From what I am going through, if my guy would just talk and explain what happened and where he is coming from, I know I would understand, accept and move on.

Good luck.

[angelica]

Dear Bruce,

I am so sorry to hear of your break up- you sound like a really nice guy.

I can't understand why your partner left you for a complete waster- but I can tell you why I left my boyfriend- who, like you, is a good man.

From the start we had problems- not with ourselves but with his ex wife- she was a nightmare and has continued to be over the whole 8 years- I can deal with this- but it did wear me down in some ways. I felt often like the third person.

I also wanted to get married- I never really pushed the issue because I knew that he had issues with it- but I did hint, but was always rejected-again, eventually this wore me down.

Our sex life became stale- we started to go to bed at different times, he watched porn, I fell asleep early every night etc...

All of these things, and others, built up over time, at the time we tried to talk about some of the problems, eg marriage, but we were both stubborn and defensive of our opinions.

He now says that he wants to marry me, and have a baby but I can't forget all the times I helped him through without a word of thanks, all the opportunities he had to make me feel valued and he didn't- until I left him.

I have met another man- who can't offer me the same sort of future as him, but he values me, shows that he loves me and to give him up to go back to my ex seems like giving in- for the easy option.

I have changed my mind so many times about returing to my ex- when I receive the texts like tonight I feel like changing it again- but I know i have to make a decision and stick to it-

I'm sure your ex is going through the same kind of turmoil- she will be aware that he is a loser- and that her future with you would be much more stable, and secure- but when your head and your heart are [/b]opposed- it seems 'true' to go with your heart- maybe she will change her mind- I hope she does because a loser like that doesn't deserve any kind of relationship- not even with your dogs!

Good Luck X

[Scout]

Eight years is a long time to give someone time to figure out if they want to make the ultimate commitment. It sounds like this guy really took everything for granted, which is his own fault. I'm not sure what advice to give you - but I do think you shouldn't be beating yourself up. It sounds like you gave a tremendous amount of love and faith in the relationship. That being said, I am sure he must have had good qualities that made you do all this.

[angelica]

Hi- Thanks to everyone for their helpful replies- tonight has been a nightmare though.

He called me again- and I answered- but he was really upset and adamant that he could not let go, that his life is unbearable without me, and that he will never give up. He told me that he will always love me and will spend the rest of his life thinking about me. Of course this really upset me- I am not a hard person, and hate to think of him in this state. I told him that I couldn't go back to him just because I feel guilty and hes making me feel sad for him.

He has since texted me 3 times- saying that he will never give up, that he will come and find me etc...

He has had a few pints so I hope things will be better for him in the morning- but now I am sitting here crying and feeling guilty enough to pack my things and go back- but I i know thats not the right reason- Is there anything I can do to make it easier?

[lady00]

This is going to sound mean, but I think you need to ignore him for the time being. He heard what you said but he is not really listening or respecting your decision. Ignoring him will show him that you are serious about this and that you've made up your mind. In time, he will see that you are certain about this and then he will stop trying to resist the breakup. Maybe sometime down the line you will become friends. It seems like he had ample time to change the things that bothered you about the relationship but he never did so it had to end and now he seems to regret making the mistakes he made. However, it is best for you both to stop seeing/contacting each other so that you can see what life is like without each other and this will either confirm that you made the right decision or show you that underneath it all you really want him. As is often the case, time and space seem to be the answer to your problem. Hope this helps.

[vetgirl]

I bet if you tell him you have someone else he will give up quicker. it really helps seal the deal for the dumpee.

[Scout]

Don't do that if it's not true, though. Although I agree - it certainly seals the deal. I think this guys sounds very fragile right now and telling him something like that would drive him over the edge. He honestly needs to realize he had eight years to prove himself to you, and his constant calls and texts in the first few days aren't going to prove anything - in short, he needs to learn the patience that YOU had throughout the relationship, if he really knows you're the one and is committed to being a full and contributing partner if you get back together.

[angelica]

Hi again-

Well this morning at 7.00 am my ex turned up on my doorstep! I have moved to another city and never gave him my address, but he traced it using a vehicle registration database that he has access to at work.

I was really annoyed with him and didn't let him in- instead we went for talk in the park, as it was apparent that he wasn't leaving without talking to me.

I have never seen anyone so desperate- he was trying to cling on to any tiny piece of hope- promising that he will change, that he will always love me- that he can never move on etc.. it was absolutely heartbreaking.

I told him that by finding me and turning up unannounced was not going to get me to go back- because neither of us would ever know whether i had gone back because I felt sorry for him, or out of the guilt I feel for ruining his life. Also it was reinforcing my thoughts that he does not respect my opinions, this was one of the major problems for me in our relationship. He wasn't being malicious though- he's a good man- but he said he simply could not accept my decision and could never give up on me. I don't know if I am strong enough to live with this guilt and think it may just be easier to go back and ease him out of this misery I have caused.

On the other hand- I feel that this is not being true to myself and that I might resent him in the long run for making me feel like I ought to do something that I am not sure that I want to do.

I am seeing someone else- but can't possibly tell my ex about it- it would destroy him completely- and he has already told me that he can't bear that thought. As Scout rightly said- he is too fragile at the moment to take that news.

The situation is now thus; I told him that no contact might be best for both of us- he was hopeful that this might help me to change my mind- I'm hopeful that he will become stronger. However I keep getting the urge to call him to see if he is ok- because when he left he was distraught- and said that he couldn't stand the thought of never seeing me again- all of these things are going round in my head- I feel so bad- and can't believe that I could hurt someone so much.

What should I do now- any ideas?

[skynet74]

Hi again-

Well this morning at 7.00 am my ex turned up on my doorstep! I have moved to another city and never gave him my address, but he traced it using a vehicle registration database that he has access to at work.

-----------------

 

 

Damn... That Guy is Good! He's a regular "Agent 99"! LOL ..... Listen you broke his heart in a million pieces and now he's trying desperately to tape it back together. I can relate. My girl recently left me after 10 years. It's hard to accept something like this. He's Confused, Bewildered and in total Shock and denial. . I contacted my EX for a while too. I begged, I pleaded and tried to strike a deal. The answer was still NO - NO - NO! Well I finally accepted it. I don't like it (but) I had no choice but to accept it. Took me about two months to stop chasing her. Once he realizes that it's just doing more harm than good, he will most likely stop too.

 

In the mean time you will be asking yourself a lot of questions. He will too. Down the road you may decide that it's worth giving each other another shot. But right now you need to separate from him to help you realize how important he really is to you. Tell him that if you have to. It will soften the Blow for him and it might actually turn out to be true!

 

 

 

 

John

[kungfumaster]

Dear Angelica,

 

I am going to hate myself for saying this, but in your case, in this delicate time of break-up, it is "nicer" for you to be mean. Being always the dumpee in my relationships, I have always felt that the silent treatment from my ex's during the initial parts of the break up were down right evil - and it is! I am not going to say otherwise - because it was like going through hell - but in hindsight, I did get the "picture", the hardway, and forced me to start fending for myself. If you aren't "mean" now, he will just keep hanging on to hope, and he will go nuts. Again, I hate to say this, but, you have to somehow force no-contact (I hate myself for saying this -usually, it should be the dumpee doing this). I know, easier said then done - but that's the way it should be.

 

Just a caution: your new relationship with the new guy is NOT going to solve everything, and will most probably be temporary. At best, it will probably just take your mind off your ex of 8 years (this is probably why entered in this relationship anyways, am I right?). If you both truly understand this, then I think its fine, and it will really be healing, otherwise, somewhere down the road, someone will be hurt AGAIN, i.e., you'll feel guilty again, or you'll be rejected. By knowing at the outset it will only be temporary, you multiply the healing factor by 1000000. And it is clear that you have not even began to even break the water surface in terms of healing from your relationship of 8 years.

 

Why not just make friends now instead of lovers - spend time by yourself, healing, taking a inventory of your life, where its going, where you want it to go, what has happened, etc. Touch base with your family again, take a trip to get away from it all for a while??

 

Take care.

Kung fu