My (NOW) ex hasnt gotten over her 5 year ex...wut can i do?

[Tears May Fall]

I dunno how many of you know my little story with my recent girlfriend, now ex...but basically we went out from march to june, it was a very serious relationship for the time being, but had alotta small complications, and i broke it off with her feeling she wasnt quite ready for it and needed some time to just think herself over. Much of the commotion we had was over her ex, who had broken up wit her last summer, after a serious 4-5 year relationship, due to religion differences, in which his parents arranged a marriage for him and he had no choice but to leave the girl. Neither of them ever really wanted to split, but were forced apart.

 

Me and her are of the same religion and have a whole lot in common, including that i can relate to her with her heartbreak as well. Now this girl, she pretty much hadnt ever gotten over him, but thought maybe if she tried moving on wit another guy(me), it'll help her. She was really into me, but when i broke it off with her, she got REALLY angry and jus basically shoved me off and said screw him(me). I tried getting her to understand but it didnt seem like at the time anything i said made a difference. So i let her cool down, and then the next time we saw each other, i gave her a card telling her how i was sorry to break it off like that(i did it in a cold, mad sorta way). She said at that point, that she needed time, and i said ok i understand. The other thing is, me and her work together, so we're bound to see each other atleast twice a week.

 

We hang out time to time, and the last time was the most different, cuz we watched a movie and she got really emotional, and i knew immediately why, so after the movie i discussed things with her, and she basically told me how she still cries herself to sleep everynight thinking about and missing him. I tried relating to her with my past situation that i had with my ex, whom i was heartwrenched from a 3 year relationship, and i wanted her back desperately for a year and half after we broke up, and basically told this girl that time will heal all wounds, but u gotta want it, u gotta want to move on, and at this point, it seems more like she still wants to be with him regardless of anything, including him being married. They still talk often on the phone, and he still tells her he misses her and that he didnt want this to be this way, but whats worse he says, he tells her it would hurt him if she was with someone else, that he had no choice but that she does, and she falls for all his crap cuz shes still CRAZYYY about him and so weak to him. Whenever me and her talk tho, she hates me bringing up anything about our relationship and us. She said if anything were to ever be again, it wouldnt be anytime soon, she was saying like several months at the least.

 

Now im stuck on what to do here, i enjoy helping her and trying to be there for her, but also know i cant be there for her alot as that'll seem too pushy, but i miss her a whole lot and want her back ultimately, but it seems like she totally forgot about the relationship we had and how great it was for the time being. I know i have to give her time and space to get over her past, but it almost seems like she never will, but a part of me believes in her, that she will come out of this on the other side, and will want me to be a part of her life, and will be happier than she ever couldve dreamed. But i question myself, am i blinded and stupid to think that way and am i just wasting my time, or should i give her time as she constantly says to me? Or is she just saying "i need time" as a nice way to brush me off? We dont really talk on the phone much anymore, and its only a hi and wassup at work. It seems like her feelings for me have really dissipated and her focus is entirely on him at this time, cuz she hardly acts like she even cares anymore. I just dont know how to act with her and what to do...should i try to wait and give her time, or move on wit my life? Should i still be her friend? i really really like her and want things to work out again, but its all on her at this point. I wish she knew how much i want her and feel as though i can make her the happiest girl in the world, but if she just gives me a full-hearted chance. Is there anything i can do directly to her to help her or should i leave her alone at this point and let her decide wit time? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[RayKay]

That is a bit of a tricky situation, because (obviously) she has not moved on yet either..and nor is she letting herself. The thing is, her ex is married, and so she really HAS to treat it like it is over, regardless of what he says. He is MARRIED.

 

I would say be her friend, but also keep your distance. She does need time, but she needs time to also be alone and figure things out. If you are there too much, it is preventing her from moving on from her ex too. Don't talk about yours and her relationship together...she has already said she hates it, don't do it - it will only push her away. Associate yourself with positive moments, with her feeling GOOD. No need to rush anything - several months I know seems like a long time right now (I am in a similar situation in terms of the "time" I face) but if it is worth it, you can wait - patience!

 

She DOES have to get over him. But she will need to cut contact with him to do that because all he is doing is "leading her on" and preventing her from living her life and finding happiness. She needs to figure this out on her own though - don't push her to stop talking to him! The guy is married, and has no right to make her feel guilty for getting involved with someone else.

[mooyah]

Hi Tears,

 

Its amazing but your situation and mine are so alike that when I was reading your post I was wondering if one of my friends had posted this on behalf of me. Ofcourse I've never actually told any one about this so I doubt that that is the case.

 

Anyway, here is my situation and I'll tell you what happened.

 

I started talking to this amazing girl and she seemed to bubbly and happy and friendly. She seemed as eager about me as I was about her. Thing is, we're both of the same religion and both of marriagable age.. so SHE brought up the idea of her parents meeting me. At this point our friendship took an odd turn.. I started to find myself slowly liking her as more than a friend.. yet she kept insisting that I was just a friend. At the same time she kept insisting that I was more than a friend .. but we weren't a couple either. Her parents met me, and really liked me. Everything seemed to be going great.

 

Then about 7-8months into our 'friendship' she suddenly started disappearing on me. We'd talk maybe once a week instead of 5 times a week. She'd call me once a month or so.. otherwise it was always me doing the calling and rarely getting a hold of her. She just became really cold somehow.. and that caused a lot of friction between us, but somehow both of us just couldn't say 'okay this isn't going anywhere'.. We held onto each other and I just kept liking her more and more for some stupid reason.. despite all the problems. She knows I'm crazy about her at this point and she says she really likes me and thinks I'm a great person but isn't ready for taking it to the next step.

 

So I was all confused until she finally decides to tell me about her past. She and this guy had been going out for 2 years.. they were friends before but eventualy became more. They loved each other (and still do).. but he was of a different religion. The guy started hanging out at her house and got along with her family. Then one day he asked her dad to allow him and her to get married. Her dad hit the roof and said it was absurd. The whole thing came down on them like a house of cards.

 

Her parents now look at her with shame and hate... they want to get her married off as soon as possible and keep pressuring her. She is still in love with the other guy and hopes that she will fall in love with someone else.. at the same time she is afraid it will be faked on her part and she'll do it just to forget the other guy. The other guy got into an engagement and then broke the engagement and cancelled the wedding.. they are both still single.

 

She has no plans on ever marrying that other guy. But at the same time.. One sentence she spoke to me continues to ring in my head to this day 'I will always love him' .. I was obviously devasted. She means a lot to me, but how would I live with her for the rest of my life knowing that I was sharing her love with someone that she would marry in a heart beat if only her parents had let her. She'd continue to want him and would just be with me because of circumstance.

 

We didn't fight or anything when she told me this. But that was our last conversation as well.. I was not able to get in touch with her.. and she never got in touch with me after that either. She did send me one email saying 'that a lot was going on and that she will get in touch with me'

 

Its been more than 2 weeks since that happene.d I dont know if she will get in touch with me or not.. but.. I'm still waiting.

 

Now that you know my story.. here is what I have to say to you. You cant help the way you feel about her.. but if YOU dont move on.. you're being just like HER. She is holding on to someone she cant have.. and you're holding on to someone who cant stop loving someone else. If you know whats good for you.. you'll move on.

 

I myself.. and still trying to do that. I'll let you know if I'm successful.

[mooyah]

BTW.. The girl I like has been holding on to her ex for 2 years since they had to end their relationship.. 2 years is a LONG time. I (again.. like you..) did have a relationship with a girl from another religion about 2 years ago but 6 months later I was over her completely. I still like that ex a lot.. and we're best buddies. but its over..

 

Another thing to consider is what one of my friends told me when I was complaining about this girl to her. She said she was certain that she was using me to comfort her. My friend and I didn't know the whole story about her ex back then.. so I told my friend that she must be wrong because there is no reason to use me.

 

Now that I think about it, my friend was right. I was being used. She was using me to try and get over her ex. She failed miserably because in her mind she was comparing me with him.. thats a dumb thing to do since I'm a different person and you simply cannot compare me with another guy. Doesn't mean I'm better or worse .. just that I'm different. So she tried moving on with me.. but she cant.. because she is TRYING to move on. Does that make sense?

 

Also.. she is using me because she doesn't like me for me. She likes me because she wants to have someone else to like. So in everway that I look at it.. I'm coming out the looser......and yet. I cant help the way I feel. I still want her... It sucks. The way she decided to leave me sucks more because now I'm not certain whether she'll get back in touch with me or not.. so I dont know whether I should be trying to forget her or not. (again.. just like you)

 

But. I personally.. am trying to move on. I haven't closed the door on her completely (I like her too much to do that).. but its only slightly ajar. And if she wants to get back into my life.. she's gonna have to work for it. (as opposed to ME working to get her into my life) .. That is one thing I'm going to stick to. It makes it easier.. that way your heart doesn't ache because you still think there is hope.. but at the same time you work hard on moving on because you've made up your mind to make her work to get you.

 

Hope this helps buddy. If none of it helps.. I hope the knowledge that you aren't sailing in that rickety boat by yourself helps. Good luck!