Slowly losing a friend once they get into a relationship

[Len]

So I know there are plenty of scenarios in which this has happened. This hasn't happened to me yet but since I'm so paranoid I'm already thinking about this possibility. One of my best friends, he's basically like a lady's man. He can get almost any girl he'd want because of his smooth talk and not to mention the way he looks. So he could easily get into a relationship. As of now he is single and I always try to find time to hang out with him and he'd want to hang out with me when he finds the time from his days off work. I'm basically a teen kid about to turn 20 and he's like 6-7 years older than me so he does have more responsibility than I do.

 

I really like our friendship and hope it becomes life-long and I'm trying to make it be that way but not forcing it, just naturally guiding it into that direction. I know that if i have to try guiding it, then it's not really a good friendship in the first place, but I have considered myself pretty paranoid about situations so I tend to do things as such. Thing is he recently quit a job and now he's going to work at another place where he'll be surrounded by pretty girls again. He will no doubt hook up or even go out with one of them eventually. I get jealous of this but that's partially why I'm wondering, once he does get into a relationship, what could I do so that it doesn't seem like I'm 3rd wheeling or just being annoying and still remain great friends?

 

I don't like the feeling of jealousy but it just happens because I don't want him taken away from me..or being tossed aside because relationship with significant other overpowers friendship therefore friends just fades..I don't want to think like, if he can throw you away like that then he's not a very good friend so just forget about him. Obviously that advice is the usual but it's not really easy to just forget them =/

[lavenderdove]

First, he a friend, not your boyfriend. You may be expecting too much of friendship, where you get to spend all your free time hanging out with him etc.

 

Once people get into their 20s, they usually spend at most a couple hours a week with a very close friend, and frequently not even that. Jobs, relationships, kids, etc. start to take over, and people just don't have all kinds of time to hang out with buddies in bars or other activities all the time.

 

So you need to ramp back your expectations that a friend is joined at the hip once you're in your 20s. He may be able to spend a couple hours a week with you, but even that may not happen on a consistent basis. But that doesn't mean you can't talk to him once or twice a week for a bit to catch up, and still have him be there is you need him for something now and again.

 

Your best bet is to widen your circle of friends so you are not so dependent on him for your social life. If you have 3 or 4 friends, you could do something with each of them once a week and your time will be filled up.

 

Or maybe look for a GF of your own, unless the real issue here is that you're gay and crushing on him when he's straight? I'm not saying that is it, but if you're not interested in finding your own GF and spending a lot of time with her and only want to hang out with this one guy, you perhaps need to examine what is going on in your head to know why you are so dependent on another guy.

[FathomFear]

I don't like the feeling of jealousy but it just happens because I don't want him taken away from me..or being tossed aside because relationship with significant other overpowers friendship therefore friends just fades..I don't want to think like, if he can throw you away like that then he's not a very good friend so just forget about him. Obviously that advice is the usual but it's not really easy to just forget them =/

 

I think it's normal for people to spend less time with their friends when they are in romantic relationships. That doesn't mean, though, that the friendship necessarily degrades in quality. It just means that we all have a limited number of hours in our day and need to prioritize. The trick is to not take it personally.

 

Also, to lavender's point, I would try to analyze what you are getting out of this friendship and why.

[catfeeder]

The way to build good friendships is to cultivate several so your investment doesn't fall on any one person--because friends have their OWN lives to live. Allowing people to cycle into and out of your life freely is natural and part of maturity. Forming emotional dependencies on friends is the way to suffocate them.