Broke up after 2 years, Dont know what to do next

[StillHopeful88]

Hey Everyone,

 

I'm completely new here and thought i'd give this a try. Here is my story and i'll try to make it as short as i can.

 

I'm 21 years old and i met my ex about 2 years ago. I never had a serious relationship before him and neither did he. We started dating and things were great, we had so much in common and we were both headed in the same direction. Everyone around us always said how we we're perfect for eachother and i truly believe he was the one for me.

 

So flash forward to almost 9 months. I start catching him in little lies.. (hed be out with friends but say hes home.. he'd say he didnt smoke weed but he did). I started becoming more and more paranoid and insecure. We finally broke up right before the 1 year mark because i caught him in a lie (he said he was with his sisters but really he was with his friends at a movie).. and i know it seems like nothing but the way he lied, he blantly denied lying, and the fact that he lied about something so small and stayed with the lie for so long shocked me.

 

So during this breakup i found out a lot about him. Apparently he kissed another girl at a club during a 4 day break up (i broke up with him to teach him a lesson about something..but he thought we were done for good so he went out and .. had a blast lol). I also found out he lied to me a lot about where he was. I didnt like him smoking weed and i didnt like his friends so he'd always lie about where he was or what he was doing. I felt betrayed, i felt lost, i felt broken and after 1 month we got back together. He promised me he would change which he did. He did a complete 180, we saw a therapist (he suggested it, he really wanted to fix things) and we started getting back on track.

 

The only problem this time was that i couldnt let go. Id get flashbacks of past lies, i never trusted him. Everytime he'd tell me where he was i wouldbt believe him and id think of a past lie that could relate to what he's telling me now. Basically i became controlling, obsessive and insecure and as hard as i tried i couldnt let go. I look back now and he was truly so patient with me and tried so hard to make my mind at ease but i just couldnt let go of the past and i became more and more insecure as time went by.

 

So i finally hit a breaking point about a month ago and broke it off. After about 3 weeks of flip flopping we decided to work things out but that exact night he went out and i guess he had enough. I broke up with him for going out and we've been broken up since.

 

We still speak occasionally, and everyday it's a new feeling. He tells me he wants to get back with me but I need to change. He tells me i need to stop being so paranoid and i need to trust him. He tells me i should stop being so worried ...but HES the one that made me this way. I know he's been going out.. hanging out with other girls and he tells me he wants us to get back but my paranoia is kicking in and now im wondering what hes doing and who hes hanging out with. Every day i feel something new. One day i feel like it can work, another day i tell him to leave my life. Today was the most recent "decision". I found a picture of him with some buddies and some girls on facebook at a party a few days after we broke up and i lost it. I told him to move on and i told him id do whatever it took to move on and i told him not to call me ever again.

 

I'm just scared. If i stop being paranoid and insecure, i may actually have a great relationship. I don't want to throw away something great, but i also dont want to get into something destructive. I truly believe he's changed, and i really feel like this time it was my fault. I just don't want to get back with him and have him be so fed up that he just cheats on me. I'm so incredibly paranoid about everything these days.

 

I'm sorry if this didnt make sense but i just dont even know where to begin. What am i supposed to do next? I've been a mess.

[brokenhurt]

Honestly, why you want a person who constantly lied to you,who has broken your trust many times. what is the gurantee that he is not going to do same things again? i think its over for good ,you can't spent your whole life with him wondering where he is and what he actually is doing .i know it hurts but its brutal truth i think you are better off without him

[SeaDunkel]

This isn't about him anymore. Cut contact, at least for a while.

 

The fact that you continued to hold those lies against him long after the events-is called resentment. That's something you need to deal with. If you don't, if you keep holding that stuff against him in your heart, it's not going to hurt him, it's going to hurt you. A good exercise for you would be to write down all the ways he's hurt you, disappointed you, broken your heart. Once you have a list, focus on forgiving one of those things on the list each day. Think about the event, mourn it if you have to, then just tell yourself that you are forgiving him for hurting you in that way. I would suggest not contacting him until you're completely done doing this, if you can help it.

[catfeeder]

[…] I'm just scared. If i stop being paranoid and insecure, i may actually have a great relationship. […]

 

True, someday. But not now. Building your self confidence in your ability to go solo is the best possible way to have a healthy relationships someday. That doesn't happen overnight. Sure, it's a decision--but that's just a starting point. You can't decide 'for' someone else their behavior, you can only work on growing into someone who trusts her OWN discretion in forming bonds with people who earn your trust over time.

 

Playing the parent to another is not only unsexy, but it's the perfect way to degrade a relationship into a bad dance--one person monitors while the other turns sneaky and deceptive. That's not how healthy people behave, and placing yourself back into that dynamic is no way to build yourself UP.

 

I'd quit the pressure cooker about this guy and look forward instead toward cultivating my own life--my own interests, friendships and a passion for something beyond a BF. From that place you'll be better positioned to make better decisions about pursuing a relationship. Not before then.

[StillHopeful88]

Thank you all so much for the replies. It just hurts that the problem is me. I want to enter this no contact thing, but it makes me so sad that he's still willing to be with me after everything. He still wants to make things work and i know that if i stop talking to him, he's going to move on. Why can't i just work on myself while im with him? I know it's not reasonable, but i have an amazing guy that is willing to help me deal with my problems...that's the only thing holding me back. It's so confusing..

[catfeeder]

Thank you all so much for the replies. It just hurts that the problem is me. I want to enter this no contact thing, but it makes me so sad that he's still willing to be with me after everything. He still wants to make things work and i know that if i stop talking to him, he's going to move on. Why can't i just work on myself while im with him? I know it's not reasonable, but i have an amazing guy that is willing to help me deal with my problems...that's the only thing holding me back. It's so confusing..

 

The reason you can't work on yourself while with him is that you're too busy policing him when you're with him. Even after you've let him go you're still focused on what he does and who he sees. Unless and until you're willing to pull your focus back on developing your own life, you're creating your own hell. If you go off on your own soul search and build your own life without worrying about him, then you can relax and trust that if this guy is your "meant to be" deal, he'll have no trouble catching up with you someday to meet on higher ground. But he can never do that unless you're brave enough to go there yourself. Without him.