I need help, preferably from women.

[monkzinator]

Ok i apologise in advance because this will prob be a long post but i just want to explain everything so i can get an accurate answer.

My girlfriend and I (shes from London and im from the south of spain) met at university 3 years ago and pretty much fell in love just like that. We lived together throughout uni and then moved in together sharing the same room but in a house with some other friends. She was my first and only gf and i was also her first and only serious relationship. She always used to say how lucky she was to have met me and that she loves me so much and to never leave her.

I've been through my fair share of problems with my family and also suffered from anxiety last year which led to me not working for awhile and having to rely on her, i know it was hard for her i could tell. but still she always said she'd never leave me.

After my anxiety i tried to get a job but failed, i could have tried harder to be honest tho, i was content on living like a bum really.

we didnt go out n have fun and we were around eachother 24/7 which meant that we didnt appreciate eachother's company as much as we should have... it became a complacent relationship. I wasnt the guy she fell in love with because i used to be so driven and ambitious and competative but the fu*king anxiety sucked all of that out of me.

Well i came back home mid august for the summer and got a job for a month and then went back to live with her at her mum's which initially she seemed excited about... i was only there for 8 days and she then told me that she didnt love me, booked my flight home n kicked me out basically... just like that, we didnt even discuss what was bothering her.

Well when i got back home she then started to say that she didnt know whether she loved me or not.

So i decided to go back to the old me, im working, passed my driving test, go 2 the gym everyday like i used to, im going out and actually drinking again.... and she knows that im doing all these things.

It was 5 weeks that she broke up with me this past monday and since then i usually call her or txt her every 2-3 days asking her why why why or is there a chance or this or that... one day she says she still has feelings for me n the next she says she doesnt... says she doesnt wanna get with or be with another guy. Well I/we decided last thursday to not contact her to see what happens and its been 6 days 2day and i really wanna call her its doing my nut.

 

Ladies... what actually goes on in your heads?

Please for the love of god enlighten me!

 

Cheers,

Monkz.

[MakeItCount]

Allow me to throw in my input, even though I do have a penis.

 

Going with the advice that seems to work the best is to lay it out on the table one last time - tell her you love her, you want to be with her, but if that's not what she wants then you respect her decision. Then go no contact. Keep doing what you're doing, as it seems to be exactly what you need to do.

 

Then just play it by ear. If she gets in touch with you, I wouldn't bother answering for a little while unless she wants to talk about getting back together.

 

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. Give her time to figure it out. Either way, looks like you're on the right track.

 

Best of luck.

[damagedatbest]

Well what I would say is that it almost seems as though she wants to have you on the backburner in case something else doesnt work out. If I am truly in love with a guy, I'd fight to make it work and be with him and talk to him. It's been 6 days now since you've contacted her and she hasnt gotten in touch with you? I'd say let her miss you. Give her time to figure out what she wants.

[Tanzi]

It seems you did indeed become complacent in the relationship. As you said, you weren't the person she fell in love with and she fell out of love with the person you had become. Well done though for turning your life back around. You needed to do this for yourself as much as you did for the sake of the relationship.

 

However, as regards the relationship, you probably weren't doing yourself any favours by ringing her every 2-3 days asking for another chance. If she is at a stage where she feels she doesn't want to get back together with you then your constantly calling will just irritate her. You will be backing her into a corner where she then has to justify her decision. Your calls aren't a positive experience for her. Thus you could be pushing her further away.

 

You have done the right thing by stepping away. Stick with it and see if she reaches out to you. It may take a lot longer than 6 days though and there is every chance she won't reach out to you at all so make sure you use this time to continue working on yourself. As time goes by this should get easier. Hang on in there. You have made all the right choices and taken some very positive steps to turn your life around one way or the other.

[monkzinator]

thanks guys, i do understand what went wrong.

No job, too much time together, no money coz of no job which meant no going out n no fun... all this inevitably leads to resentment coz i had 2 rely on her basically.

Its so clear in hindsight i just dont know how i didnt see it coming.

She always took an interest in my stuff and i suppose i should have taken more of an interest in her, we are different people but thats what makes her so attracvtive to me and is why we fell in love in the first place.

When i spoke 2 her last monday she says she misses me sometimes but then i spoke to her 3 days later and she says not to get my hopes up.

and when we decided last week to not speak for awhile she said 'but you have to make sure you really try not to contact me' and she also said that she too wonders what i get up to and that she truly doesnt know what the future will hold for us.

i always used to do as much as i could for her but thats just because im a giving person, cookin, washin, keepin stuff tidy, goin out n gettin her stuff etc

 

i duno man this sucks.

[MakeItCount]

She asked for time, so give her time. It's all you can do. Seriously keep doing what you're doing, this girl still has feelings for you, but you cannot force anything. Respect her wishes, she'll be grateful for it and will think of you more positively.

[Tanzi]

So give her the space she needs and has asked for. It may also give her time to miss you but, at the same time, don't have any expectations and keep on moving forwards.

[coolchick64]

It doesn't sound like you did anything that bad in the first place. In a mature relationship, there are ups and downs. My gut instinct is she lost interest because she lost interest---could be any number of things having to do with her, not you---and now she wants to string you along while she explores her other options. Sorry to be harsh, but if I really loved a guy, I wouldn't act like that.

[howinvoluntary]

During my relationship, I went through a long bout with unemployment and I can definitely relate to you. I recently graduated, lost all self motivation, my mom passed away, and I got used to playing the victim. I do think it had a lot to do with my break up. Also like you, we were from different countries which just added pressure and difficulty. My ex handled things very similarly to yours in fact, but I bowed out almost immediately after the break. It is important to not put too much blame on yourself. The underlying problem to it all is communication. She didn't communicate the difficulties she was having until it was too late.

 

Just keep up what you are doing and don't dwell on it. I'm over three months past the break, my ex is away traveling, and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to try again if she does come back to me. If you continue on the path you are on, you'll be able to make your decisions without the attachment that you have to deal with right now. Give it time, a lot of time, and you and your ex will be in a similar head space, and you'll be able to rationalize and go from there.

[howinvoluntary]

It doesn't sound like you did anything that bad in the first place. In a mature relationship, there are ups and downs. My gut instinct is she lost interest because she lost interest---could be any number of things having to do with her, not you---and now she wants to string you along while she explores her other options. Sorry to be harsh, but if I really loved a guy, I wouldn't act like that.

 

I agree, but I don't think the OP's relationship was as mature as it could be. They were first loves, and first loves often have these problems with codependency. I'm inclined to think it had to do with the hardships, which probably led to a number of other things.

[monkzinator]

thats the thing she did lose interest, because i became i boring guy with nothing to offer, whereas when i met her i was the type of guy who was out to eat the world sort of.

the thing is i duno how she could be thinking this way since when i last left her at summer we spoke every day and she kept saying 'you wont forget about me will you?' and 'i love you so much' like she always says.

i just want the chance to show her that iv changed back to who i used to be, so now its a week and i just hav this bad feeling that she either wont contact me for awhile or wont give me another chance.

Is there anything i can do apart from give her time? should i send her flowers or love letters or something?

[monkzinator]

bumppppp... anyone??

[howinvoluntary]

There is nothing you can do. You already hurt your situation by pleading and not giving her space. How would giving her flowers be viewed any differently by her? She knows where you stand. As hard as it is, just continue to work on yourself and let her come to you. Try your best not to wait for it to happen. You're on the right path.