How to let him know my needs without sounding needy?

[HummingBird]

I'm in a relationship that I don't feel fully content but don't know how to change it.

 

On the surface we appear to have a healthy relationship - by maintaining a balanced level of autonomy and intimacy. Since we live in opposite ends of the city, we see each other every weekend and only communicate through emails during weekdays. Neither of us is fond of phone chatting, though I sometimes secretly wish that he will call and just ask how I'm doing. He's very close to his family and I've attended almost all his family functions. We spend half of our together time with his family, 10% with his friends, and 40% alone. Yes we never spend time with MY family and MY friends; but that's because I'm somewhat new to this city and don't have as many friends here.

 

So, we've been in this pattern for 8 months and I was fine with it. But recently I noticed my need for intimacy has been growing. I felt ignored in his family functions. He seems to always put his family before me. I used to consider that as a desirable trait, but lately my tolerance level has reached to its limit. I also don't feel I'm getting enough emotional supports. For example, I've been attempting to find a new job without much success. But instead of getting the unconditional support that I should get from a bf, he gave me a father-like response whenever I complained about losing another job offer: "You just have to be more aggressive with job search", or "You're not the only one suffering from bad market. Look at XXX who hasn't have a real job for 5 yrs but still needs to feed a family"...etc. I know he cares about me but I just can't really feel it. He seldom asks me how my week's been and rarely tells me voluntarily, unless asked, what he did during the week. I tried telling him twice how I felt. His reaction was surprised, stunned, and mute. He sat there and listened and didn't say anything. Then we went back to the same pattern again and I continued feeling unfulfilled. I think he perceived me as more independent than I actually am. I don't know how to approach this without hurting our relationship. How do I communicate my needs with him without sounding demanding and needy? Is it reasonable to ask for more attention? Or is it just a reflector of my insecurity, which is something I should work on before requesting him to change?

 

I really appreciate your advice and opinions.

[butterflykiss04]

Well I dont think that by you telling him your needs you should be thought of as needy as people we change and sometimes so do are needs so let your feelings be known and dont compromise all of your needs for someone elses because right now I bet he is happy cause everything is going his way well burst his bubble and let him know that the world does not revolve around him! Good luck and hope I helped.

[HummingBird]

Thank you so much butterflykiss04 for the advice. Yes, I will start communicate my needs with him. I've been too accomodating and repressing my needs. Now the repressed emotion is acting up and if I ignore it, I will never be happy in this relationship.

 

A guy friend of mine used to tell me that women often need to tell men what they want from them, since men are not genetically wired to be empathetic. And when a woman making a request to a man, be specific with the request and avoid generic statement like "I don't feel you care". Otherwise it will just sound like whining. What's everyone's view on that?

[Scout]

Well, I think it would be pretty weird if he considered you needy if you just said, "hey, I'd like to talk with you on the phone during the week. I don't just think about you on the weekends."

 

I wonder what would happen if you weren't available a couple of weekends in a row? Perhaps he'd respond more? I don't know.

 

As for the job advice, my mother said exactly that kind of stuff when I was job-hunting. I think that's just some people's way of trying to comfort you. I wouldn't take it personally.

[HummingBird]

"I don't just think about you on the weekends." -- That's a great way to approach it Scout! Why didn't I think of that one. Thank you Scout.

 

My boyfriend likes strong, independent women and I've been trying hard to portray that image. I just have to keep reminding myself that asking for more attention and emotional support doesn't make me vulnerable or less independent.

 

Just want to say another thing. This forum is indeed a great support system. I notice that everytime after I post a message, I immediately feel better. The process of sharing my thoughts also gives me a chance to organize my thoughts. Also the problem seems to magically become simpler and simpler through the process. Thank you all the wonderful folks who visit this site. Yes, I'm not alone.

[deebee]

Apologies upfront, but as I am reading 'Men are from Mars...' at the moment, my advice comes from that!

 

The book says that men typically try and solve problems with their conversations, whereas women typically voice concerns, worries etc. Generalising of course. But he thought he was helping you with advice on your job search. Whereas you felt he was dismissing your concerns by not empathising with you and letting you talk out your worries. Does that sound right?!

 

The whole 'how was your day' conversation is practically a chapter in the book! It is used to illustrate the differences we have in communicating.

 

I would suggest that you aren't being needy. The fact that you think he should be giving you 'unconditional' love and isn't, suggests that you do need to tell him what your needs are. One of the section summaries says: "When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more". Get the book!