UPDATED-Confused.... Are we are are we not back together!?

[Aktrez]

Hey everyone..

 

For those of you unaware of my plight, you can read about my tale here: link removed

 

The reason I now move to this forum... began on Monday, after getting back from a 1 week vacation in Maine.

 

My ex was the only one around to pick me up at the airport.. and since we still live together, the only logical person to take me home.. So, after my flight was delayed for 3 hours.. I arrived at my airport and awaited his pick up.

 

I had just gotten back from a photoshoot.. so, I was looking REALLY good! There were about 6 guys who were talking to me when Matt pulled up in my car.

 

I excused myself and got in. It was rather awkward at first.. he was asking me about my trip and everything... and I was trying to be cold (not knowing what his mind was thinking right now.) He told me about 10 times in our 20 min car ride how beautiful I was.. and how great I looked.

 

We got home.. and sat around talking. he said "You look like the perfect woman Beck." Finally, he said, let's go sit down... and we sat on the couch to talk.. It was really just chit chat about my family and my trip.. and his week running the gym.

 

He took my feet and began massaging them... He then held out his arms for me to come and hug him. he held me SOOOO tight! and kissed my head. He told me how precious I was... and how he missed me so much.

 

That night we made love.. not had sex. 3 hours of pure bliss!!! We fell asleep holding hands...

 

Then, yesterday, I e-mailed him and asked him out on a "date". He accepted and we went out to dinner. At dinner, he told me that he had still checked into an apartment complex just that day. This floored me!! Why would he still be thinking of moving out.. if things were so great and he loved me?! He told me his friend Alex is trying to get him to move to California with them... again.. he was considering it he said.

 

he got a little quiet during our meal.. and I asked what he was thinking. he said "I'm trying not to talk about us." And I started tearing up a little... he said.. "Don't cry... let's just enjoy this.. ok??" and held my hands....

 

He was so nice to me... he rubbed my back on the way out.. and touched my leg on the way home. When we got home he held me so close and we watched TV.. he stroked my hair and whispered that he loved me.

 

Again, we made love.. and fell asleep together.

 

So, since nothing has been spoken about our 6 week break... and he doesn't "want to talk about us"... I am floored!!! Some of his actions make me wonder if we really ARE together or not.. I'm very confused.. and as much as I am loving this new found affection... I"m a bit worried!!

 

What would you reccomend? I'm worried if I push him to bring it up... he'll turn away..

 

Thoughts?

[lady00]

sometimes nothing needs to be said...it sounds to me like you guys are back together. u both definitely act like it.

[a_little_sparrow]

Well Aktrez,

 

You're basically at his mercy. I know how insistent you've been about sticking with him, and that you're not going to let him go, but what you can't control are his decisions to physically move himself away from you. I wish I had some encouraging words for you.

 

What I can say is that he definitely cares for you and loves you. I think it probably kills him to see you hurting, and this is why he's reacting the way he is. But I don't see that any of his actions have long term implications. It looks like he plans to move somewhere, because he plans to be single. I don't know if there's anything you can do at this point to change his mind. Maybe someone else on this board will have some better suggestions.

 

I do think you'll start to find some peace of mind once you find what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, or his plans. But you can control yourself, and what you're willing to give him. I remember I went through a breakup once where I was living with her, and I asked at one point if we could just be together as a couple until I moved out. That it was too tough for me to live in the same house and not be with her. Maybe this is how he feels. His intention is to move out, but that as long as he's there he wants to help soothe your pain.

 

You have to decide whether it's helping you or not. Is it soothing your pain, or only setting you up for more pain.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but from all that you've posted, it's how things look to me.

[deebee]

My thoughts, other than the ones I've already given to you, are that he is clearly still physically attracted to you and enjoys that part of the relationship. This physical approval of all kinds seems very important to you, from the posts you have made. However, I think his actions (moving out - hooray, by the way) demonstrate his true intentions. So no, I don't think you are back together.

 

I think the sex has more strings attached for you than it does for him. The more contact you have with him it seems, the more hurt and confused you appear to get. This is why I think it would be good idea to cut off contact with him and be more assertive in ensuring this happens.

 

The 'new found affection' could be a result of not seeing you for one week. Another reason to insist on some distance between you so that he can really decide whether you are the one he wants.

I'm worried if I push him to bring it up... he'll turn away..

Sorry? Isn't he already turning away? He wants to see other women and has moved out. I really think you DO need to bring it up for your own sake. One way or the other, it needs to be sorted out. Again, be assertive.

 

I am not a psychologist or therapist, so don't want to offer any more profound advice other than that based on my own (limited) experience and what I've learnt from this site. There are plenty of good books which could help you out with any deeper issues. My original opinions on your situation still stand though! Good luck.

[Aktrez]

No, he hasn't moved out Deebee. he was looking on link removed. But, he says he was just doing so to see what was out there, before I got back. So, I don't know.

 

I mean, his affection is so real.. he comes home and comes over and hugs me... It's not like it's just about hte sex. He's really nice.. and I don't know why he's thinking about moving out.. things seem great now! I'm a little nervous to bring it up though... Maybe I should do like lady00 suggests and just go with it...

 

We do DEF. act like we are together.. so, I just don't know. The link removed thing still bugs me....

[PD]

You know, I think the importance of living together is overstated. Sometimes people can be closer when they aren't living together simply because it provides a buffer in which each person can be alone when they need to without feeling pressure to communicate from the other. Even if he decided to move out, that doesn't mean it's over between you! I would go with the flow, keep enjoying what you're having and be positive. Mindset seems to me to be the most important thing in this kind of scenario.

[deebee]

he told me that he had still checked into an apartment complex just that day

Sorry, I read this as meaning he had moved in to an apartment?

 

His on/off behaviour confuses me, so I can only guess at what it does to you! All I can suggest is that you sit down and talk things through. 'Going with it' would still leave room for the confusion and potential misinterpretation that is causing problems for you.

 

Anyone else on the forum got some experience of counselling/guidance to offer here?! I'm all out of advice...

[shockeddismayed]

I'm with PD.

 

I haven't read the entire details of the situation, but you guys have both been injured in this situation.

 

A little space while you work through this might be just what the doctor ordered in order to rekindle those old feelings. And anyway... generations of people might just have had it right when they decided to live apart until committing formally.... I never EVER thought I'd believe that... but I am now a convert. No more live in GFs for me!

 

Just to give a hint what he might be thinking... (who knows for sure!)... but when my EX and I were talking about getting back together, she was assuming I'd move right back in, and that she wasn't ready for that. I told her there was NO WAY I'd be moving back in. It will take a while for the trust to be there... I need my own space, and the ability to continue with my own life if things don't work out. The moment she heard this she said, "Wow, that seems like a WAY healthier idea... it certainly takes the pressure off me to feel SURE about our future".

 

Food for thought.

[d346]

ok, this is my take.

 

my situation was close to yours. The difference was, was I was seeing the signs of him pulling away, and he thought it would be a good idea to move into separate apartments before we broke up -with intentions to get a little space...not break up. Well we moved, it was hard for me to handle not seeing him so much, I got more demanding, he pulled back more -and it blew up until I got the "I don't know about things" "I need some time" yet he didn't seem to be upset at the possibility of losing me forever. That killed me.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't stand for this. I knew he loved me, and he claimed it was hard for him too, but I couldn't get past the fact that he was willing to let me go. for all he knew I could have found someone else...I'm quite a catch lol!

 

As for you, I'm sure he loves you, and he's not evil-spirited. But do you want to put up with this anymore? yes, he wants to share tender moments with you, but does he want to spend his life with you? He says maybe later, but who knows, really. Don't settle to hope for the moments. You'll be walking on egg shells for the next year and he may never make a decision on the matter. I couldn't eat either, when I didn't know about things. Once I decided we were breaking up, I could eat again. -It was devestating, yet liberating.

 

By the way, I refused to talk to my ex -I was extremely upset. And I told him I wouldn't stand for him walking away from me (of course in a teary weapy way!) But you know what? A month later he wanted to start over. He realized what he gave up, and we're back together! And now he knows not to pull any crap, because I won't stand for it. So I feel really confident that he wants to be with me, because he knows the rules about being with me.

 

waiting and walking on eggshells is the worst. He owes you more than "I don't want to talk about it right now"...he just does! You can tell him that you love him, but you can't do this anymore. Be strong! You sound like you were when you decided to move to VA on your own! Be that person again! If he loves you, in time he may come back full force, and then you can be confident that it was a conscious decision on his part and then he won't try to leave you again. If you wait around hoping that random moments of tenderness will turn back into what you had, will you ever be confident about your realtionship again? Probably not, you'll probably fall apart at any sign of aloofness on his part. Distance yourself and make him decide what he wants. Hearing you're a beautiful woman from him may be flattering, but you want more than that!

[Aktrez]

But, it's a matter of loss.. I mean, I LOVE coming home and knowing that he is there.. that we can sleep in the same bed. If you love someone.. you want to share your time with them. He moved in with me because of that 3 years ago. If he moves out, and we move apart.. that is moving in a bad direction!

[PD]

It's so easy to see things as permanent when we're in a situation like this. It feels like an either/or situation in which him moving out means less intimacy and a step back from what you once had. But I think it's important to stop measuring your future by the past. That will only cause frustration on your part since much has changed on both an emotional and practical level. Isn't it better to focus on the present and compare it to when you weren't communicating at all? In that context, you're in a good situation right now. I know that longing to sleep together, to be casual and relaxed at home together, but I think that if he decided to move out you can start 'dating' again and learn to appreciate each other anew in a more neutral setting. that will only help your long-term prospects!

 

In any case, I agree with everybody who suggests a no pressure situation, and also to the person who said that you need to stand up for who you are and what is important to you. If you feel that living together is something that is a prerequisite for your happiness with him then perhaps you should talk to him about it. I think I would wait though and try to focus on the positive, making him want to spend more time with you.

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you : )

[Aktrez]

I sent him this letter today.... Please tell me what you all think:

 

..........................................................................................................

 

Morning Pookieface,

 

Thanks again for last night. I love being close to you and making you smile! I want to find other ways to turn you on, to make you go crazy…. not just the usual… so, I may have to start experimenting a bit… With your permission of course!

 

One thing I do want to tell you, is that the past few days have been awesome! Hearing you say you love me, and being so close and affectionate is all I want. It turns me on, and makes me feel so alive…

 

But, (and there is always a but..) I have some reservations. I may have taken you back a little too easily before talking about what was in store. The thought of having you back in my arms was just so appealing, that I guess I didn't really think about the future or the possibilities at all.

 

You still check your online personals, you are on link removed looking for roommates, things still don't add up. So, as much as I'm enjoying loving you and feeling loved.. I'm a bit worried about giving you my heart 100% again. Things are so wonderful, and feel so right at this point… I'm afraid of being hurt.

 

I love you… you know that… and being able to express my love for you… and share my thoughts and my body with you are all I really need. Especially now with my newfound confidence. It makes everything so much more intense.

 

You turn me on so much, I am so attracted to you, and your personality. You make me smile just to think about you. But, I want you to need me just as much. I want you to want me just as much. I want to be in your thoughts all day like you are in mine.

 

I'm not asking for a ring or a marriage proposal. I'm just asking for your thoughts on all of this. What are you feeling?

 

 

..........................................................................................................

 

I haven't gotten a response yet... I expect he'll talk to me about it when I get home tonight.....

[lady00]

the letter sounds fine. I think you've expressed yourself well. Let us know how it turns out!

[d346]

yes, moving out is a step backwards. And I didn't want it. But I had to let it happen. He had been hinting at it for months. And one day it all just blew up. So we did it. I missed him, and we did move backwards -resulting in tension that led to a breakup.

 

Don't get me wrong, I wish that never happened. I was happy living together. However, for some reason he wasn't, and I deserved better than sitting around crossing my fingers that he would be. Thinking, maybe if I tried to be more spontaneous, tried to be more loving, seduced him more he'd want to continue living together. You can't do that. The fact of the matter is that my boyfriend got scared that this is it, and that I was hinting at marriage. He was like "oh my god, I never got to have my own place" I was like, who cares? -but apparently he did!

 

we are working on reconcilation. Sometimes we spend the whole weekend together, with breaks to stop at one another's place to change/shower. Some week days we only see one another once or twice. But when we do, it's solid and great. I would love to live with him again, but this time, not without a diamond on my finger!!!

[deebee]

The letter should help kick off your discussion, which can only be a good thing in the long term, however things pan out. It's a good start. Hope it helps things along.

[skynet74]

Sounds like he is keeping other options open. It doesn't neccesarily mean he wants to move out. I remember when my girl and I were together I would still scan the online personal ads once in a while. It was just a curiosity thing. I never pursued anyone and I didn't really intend to either. I was Just looking. Perhaps this is also what he's doing. Maybe he's just curious. Just be careful though. Your Boyfriend has actually talked about leaving, so there might be a little more to your situation. Just be careful and Keep an eye on him.

 

 

 

John

[shockeddismayed]

But, it's a matter of loss.. I mean, I LOVE coming home and knowing that he is there.. that we can sleep in the same bed. If you love someone.. you want to share your time with them. He moved in with me because of that 3 years ago. If he moves out, and we move apart.. that is moving in a bad direction!

 

I apologize if I've totally misread things... I haven't followed your entire situation.

 

But my take is that you need to put things in perspective. Look at what you HAVE not what you DON'T or MAY not have.

 

Many of us on this forum were dumped by our exes.

 

Many of us were in serious relationships were marriage was only a matter of time, finishing school, etc. Or we were ALREADY married.

 

Our exes got confused. They dumped us... left us with children, or mortgages, or kicked us out of our homes. Usually with little explanation... they wanted space... they needed to experience life... they were tired. etc.

 

In many cases they weren't "entirely sure" about their situation. But we were gone from their life anyway.

 

Many of them kept stringing us along while they sorted their heart out... they wouldn't see us... told us they no longer loved us... didn't call us... etc...

 

After months we were forced to take the initiative again and lay our heart on the line EVEN TO JUST GET A DATE WITH OUR EX, OR A CHANCE AT SOME CLOSURE.

 

You need to trust your EX. He needs his space... he says he loves you... he says you are trying again... he's willing to be in the relationship.

 

So what if you don't get to live with him for a little while?!?!! Why not just give him a little space?

 

I know limbo is tough... but from what I've read, you really AREN'T in limbo regarding NOW. You MIGHT be in limbo regarding "forever".

 

But you know what? Until you are married, (and even afterwards) "forever" will always be in limbo.

 

My advice is to not push... don't pressure (which I feel your email was) and just take things as they are for a month or two.

 

I know you want to stop him from moving out... but there is NOTHING you can do about that. And it ISN'T the end of the world. Your realtionship can still remain healthy (or even be HEALTHIER) if he moves out to get a little space. If anything by trying to exert control, you can only drive him further away by appearing needy (even if you aren't).

 

Again... I apologize if I've missed something. I've only read this thread, not the entire history.

[Aktrez]

HELP!! it's 2am.. haven't heard from matt since I sent that e-mail. I was planning on talking to him when I got home. I didn't see him online, he didn't call.. he didn't respond to the e-mail.

 

I tried calling his cell a few times.. and he's not picking up. I'm REALLY worried about him!! I live in VA, and the bars close around 2:30 here. So, I have NO idea where he is!!! Why isn't he calling?

 

I can't sleep!!! I need help!

[Aktrez]

Well, Matt never responded to my e-mail. I went out with friends to kill some time last night.. and when I got home.. he wasnt' there. I waited.. and waited... Then eventually, I fell asleep. I woke up.. it was 1:30am and he still wasn't home. So, I called him... no answer. I was getting worried.. I called him every half hour until around 2:30.. when I decided to go oup to bed.

 

He came in at 3am!!! He still had his work clothes on.. so, he hadn't been home since he left for work in the morning.

 

He tried coming in quietly.. I said "Don't bother sneaking in.. I'm already awake." I asked where he had been.. he said "I went out" I told him I was so worried.. and he said "sorry". That's it... sorry.

 

I asked if he got the e-mail.. he said he did.. but told me not to send personal stuff to his work address because other people could read it. He said he was working and couldn't respond because he didn't know what to say. Then he got dressed and went downstairs... before he went.. I said.. Can we talk about things? He said.. let's talk tomorrow.. I pushed it a little and said.. I don't understand why we can't talk now! He said.. let's just talk about it all tomorrow ok? We'll talk about everything. It's late. So, I blew up... I said "I already know what you are going to say so don't bother talking to me." He said.. "No you don't know what I"m going tos ay because I don't even know what I'm going to say yet." and went downstairs.

 

About 20 min later, he came up..and I said I was sorry for blowing up at him. He said it was ok.. and we went to sleep. This morning, I found a girls business card under his wallet. I don't know if this was actually FOR business, or someone he met when he was out. I also saw that he had checked his YahooPersonals and link removed e-mail again.

 

I don't know what to do .. how can someone go from SOOO hot to SOOO cold so quickly!? what to I say.. what do I do??

 

I'm sooo hurt. I feel like I"m being dumped all over again!

[skynet74]

I hate to say it...... But I think you are in for a lot more pain with this guy. He gives you major mixed signals. First he acts like he wants to be with you. Then the next day he's trying to figure the easist way to move out. That's a load of Bull about the e-mail situation too. He said he didn't e-mail you back because he didn't know what to say? How about saying "I am allright I'll be home later"? How tough is that? It reminds me of my Exgirlfriend who didn't call me for a week. I asked Why? She said she had been busy! I'm thinking Ohhh Really? We spent 10 years together and you had all the time in the world. Now all of a sudden you are Sooooooo Busy that you can't spare 30 seconds in an entire WEEK to call and say Hi!. BULLCRAP! The President Of The United States isn't even that Busy.

 

Same with Matt. He's yanking your chain and I don't like to see it happen because I know how much it hurts. He's trying to think of the easiest way possible to let you down. All the warning signs are there. If he wants to go on his own and do his own thing, you are going to find that you will have No Choice in the end. It's going to happen weather you try to stop it or not. Sometimes we are able to delay it for a little bit, but the day is going to come where he's going to want to get all this out of his system. That is where I'm at with my Ex right now. Partying and Independence away from me is Top Priority. She shoved me to the back of the bus for the moment and it hurts. Until I am invited up front again I really can't say anything more to her that I haven't already said. She's just going to be a mean Cold Hearted woman until her inner turmoil is resolved. We want to help them, but we can't. #1 They won't let us and #2 It's something that they need to do on their own anyway.

 

If it will make you feel any better....... When I was 19 I was dating this girl. We got along great. I had no good reason to really break up with her. But one Day I decided that I wanted to move to New York to see what it was like. It was time that I needed to grow and see what else was out there. So to make a long story short...... I did move. I spent three months there and got bored silly. Once it was all out of my system I moved back and hooked back up with the same girl I was with before I left. We spent the next three years together. So what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we just need to experience life a little to develop a new appreciation for what we had before. Let Matt go if he wants to go. Let him see what else is out there. I'm confident that One day he WILL be back. You are Beautiful and he will realize it more than ever when he is able.

 

 

 

John

[Aktrez]

I know. you are right... I just felt like this time was the time .. you know? He was SOO sincere.. he has never ever said "I love you" like that before.. but, now this relapse... just makes me realize he still isn't ready.

 

I just don't know what I"m going to do without him. He is my best friend and my lover... he is everything to me down here. you know? I am going to have a really hard time moving on in the meantime...

 

I REFUSE to move on to another guy.. I have NO interest in that at all. I'm just going to wait for Matt to come around... I know he will... this past time (when I was only gone for 1 week) is proof that he does love me... He just needs to get whatever this crap is out of his system.

 

But I swear.. he sleeps with another girl.. and I will NOT take him back!! no way.. no how!

[skynet74]

But I swear.. he sleeps with another girl.. and I will NOT take him back!! no way.. no how!

------------------------

 

Don't tell him that! Think of his point of view. He wants to get away from you right now but doesn't really know how. Well..... you have just given him an Easy Out. You've basically told him how to break up with you and he won't even need to do the breaking up. YOU WILL DO IT. I told my EX the same thing and guess what ended up happening?

 

 

 

 

John

[Aktrez]

The confusing thing is that he HAD the break! I mean, I wasn't clinging.. I was going about my business.. (heartbroken yes) but doing my thing. I went away for a week.... and came back.. and he was telling me how much he loved me.. how he wanted to stay with me in the house... everything.

 

Yes, maybe I took him back too soon.. I mean.. that was potentially my fault. I just wanted him so much.. I think I was a little weak. But, for him to do a completely 180... I mean, I could be wrong.. we could have this talk tonight and he could tell me he DOES want me.. but I don't think so.

 

Here is what he is thinking: He is 26 years old.. hasn't dated in 4 years. He is looking REALLY good right now.. has a lot of confidence in himself and his job, and his looks. (he works at a gym and works out EVERY day).

He sees our relationship as only going toward marriage.. or engagement. And is freaking out a bit. The excitement of dating and getting an ego boost is very appealing. And he is enjoying going out and meeting all sorts of people.. learning more about himself and about dating in general.. and about other women and what they want.

 

At the same time.. he has a girl at home who he is completely attracted to. Who he loves.. and who he knows is a wonderful person. He couldn't ask for more in a girl.

 

He is torn! He doesn't know what is more important to him right now... the single life.. or me. He's not ready for marriage and is afraid that he is going to be missing out on something if he gets tied down for good.

 

So, I mean, I DO understand where he is coming from! Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think he's a horrible person for doing htis to me. he's highly confused and conflicted right now. I mean, who wouldn't be!?!

 

I just don't know how to deal with it.. that's my biggest issue!.

[d346]

ok,

 

that has gotten pretty bad. I really think right now you have to let him go. Not breakup, but let him pursue whatever he's thinking.

 

My take is, no matter how much space you gave him before, it wasn't enough. Remember he wasn't ready to talk about things?The letter you sent him overwhelmed him, and I truly believe he doesn't know what to say. But I do know his gut reaction is to step back. It's too much for him.

 

Honestly let him spread his wings. I am pretty confident that if he lived separately, he wouldn't want to date other girls. Right now though, he feels so boxed in, that that seems like a way to get out of the box.

 

He also sound a bit like my guy. He loves you, but again boxed in. If anything, I have learned that guys like a confident, independent woman. A) it's attractive to them, B) it takes the pressure off. No one wants the stress of someone "needing them" on their shoulders. So, he was overwhelmed by your letter, and as a result went out to the bar so he could avoid you. He wasn't looking for girls, he just didn't know how to deal.

 

Now my boyfriend calls me a few times a day, asking what I'm up to, wondering if we can meet up, etc, etc. Before we moved apart he turned me away, closed up on me. I am soooo much happier now that I don't have to pry, and ask what's wrong, can we talk, and wait for him to come around!

 

Honestly, the more you want to "talk" about things, the more you'll chase him away. I know this from experience, as well as friends!

[Aktrez]

Ok, so, here is an update. We had our "us" talk last night. It lasted about 3 hours long. I started off rather angry because I had looked at the website on the card that Matt had upstairs. It was for this very romantic restaurant with little cushions all around and canopy's. So, I KNEW it was a date.

 

He came home.. and I called him on it. I said "So, went on a date last night huh?" He said "how did you know that?" told him about the card. He was like "It wasn't romantic. The place was weird"

 

So, we started talking. he said he didn't mean for me to think we were back together. That he is very attracted to me and loves me... and that is why Mon - Wed happened. But, that he is still not ready to be with me for the long haul.

 

after talking for quite a while... he gave me a date. He said if he hasn't found someone else in 6 months, he is going to marry me. He says he doesn't think that he WILL find anyone, and made a promise to me that he wouldn't get physical unless he knew that it was over between us.

 

He told me he just doesn't want any kind of relationship right now.. he just wants to meet other people.. see what they are like... and just go out and have fun.

 

So, now I have 6 months to wait. I WILL NOT date! I have NO interest, and honestly, when guys ask me out, I get a little naseaus. I just don't want ANYONE else.

 

RayKay, looks, now, like we are in the EXACT same situation!!

 

He also doesn't want me to move out of this place. We have to give the other roomate notice soon. Neither one of us can really afford anotehr place and both of us LOVE this house. It's a true find, and giving it up would be murder. He says he wants me to stay here, and he will just move into the other bedroom. He promised that he would not bring anyone home.. and that he would be respectful of my feelings.

 

But, I don't know... I really relaly don't want to give this place up. At the same time, It's going to be SOO hard watching him go out on dates.. knowing he's out trying to impress others....

 

Honestly, between you and me.. I think it will be shorter than 6 months. He was SOO sincere and told me that he loved me so much. I know he won't find anyone better. There is no doubt. he just needs ot have a little free fun.. so he can understand how good he has it here.

 

So, now that this new revelation has come to pass... what do I do?? How can I be Ok for the next 6 months?