How to break up with common-law husband?

[Jefinner]

I am needing some advice here.

 

If one of my girlfriends were to ask me this question, I would say "easy, just tell him that you don't want to be with him anymore and walk."

 

Easier said then done...

 

I have been living with this guy for three and a half years. Things moved really quickly and, essentially, we are still on our first date. He just never left my house!

 

One bad decision led to another, and in these almost four years, I have gone bankrupt (not entirely his fault, I will admit - but he certainly did not help), have gained LOTS of weight (thanks to my being unhappy and sitting on the couch watching T.V. with him all the time) and feel like I am starting from scratch again. This time, with him in tow.

 

I thought that I would grow to love him because my head said that it was a good match, but that did not happen. Now, I feel like I just have to get away from him and focus on me for a change.

 

Currently, we are living in his parent's basement, trying to save up money (no, not to buy a house like most couples - just to save enough money for a security deposit and first months rent!!) for the summer. I would bet dollars to donuts that come October 1, I will have money saved and he will have none.

 

I am not sure how to break up with him, and what to say...a part of me just wants to get up and get ready for work one day, then move while he is at work and just be a coward about the whole thing...but he deserves an explanation doesn't he??

 

We broke up (no, it is not a common thing for us) just before deciding to move to his parents and I have seen no changes in him - silly of me to expect a man to change, I know - and he managed to convince me to stay with him then. I am worried that at the end of the summer, when I go to leave him, he will try to SUCK me back into the relationship by saying all the right things, and then just never following through...

 

Advice anyone?

[samdog31]

The truth hurts , but it will be the best for both of you. Tell him the truth, give him a reasonable time line to leave. But as accommodating as possible with his transition.

 

But the truth is always the best way to deal with it. I left my common law husband and we are in the middle of a trial separation. He is having some emotional problems and until he was willing to deal with them I had to leave. I was just honest with him and told him I could not come home every night anymore, not knowing what mood I was dealing with tonight.

 

I did not blame him for any of the problems, but told him he needed to think about what the problem is before we can work through it together. The truth was the best way for me to handle this. And I suspect it is for you too.

[Beec]

If in your shoes and wanting to leave, I would move out when he is at work one day. I'd pack up and be gone when he came back. Then I would worry about the explanations later. I have seen couple that I would never suspect and who themselves never thought things would get violent, end up with things getting nasty at the break up scene.

 

I have another friend who moved out when his wife went on a business trip. Of course, she later accused him of breaking in and destroying things.

 

Get out safely, then explain it later.

[Jefinner]

You don't think that is cowardly or unfair to him at all? Like I said, I just want to make sure that I listen to myself this time and not give in to him and his needs.

[Beec]

Is it cowardly? Maybe. But sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. If your mind is made up to move out by yourself, then do it first, then talk to him. Should you isntead seek a confrontation and discussion about your moving, followed by the awkwardness that will exist until the move is accomplished. Won't it be fun living in his parents basement when him and his aprents know you are leaving?

 

If you have issues that you want him to work on and talk to him about, then talk to him. If you have talked to him and he does not work on them, then do you need to do that again?

 

Why talk to him about the same thing for the tenth time. If you have saved enough to make the move, and he is not helping, is he going to change with you just talking?

 

Maybe your moving out will be the motivation he needs to do what you want him to do.

[Jefinner]

Indeed. Much thanks for your sage advice.

 

Mid-day move. ok.