Doesn't Want me (but) isn't taking her stuff either

[skynet74]

Just a brief history. Lived with my girlfriend for 10 years. She suddenly left in January. Said she wasn't happy anymore. So She Moved in with a friend. Has Dated others, But she still continues to get her mail delivered here and comes by once or twice a week to pick it up. She still has a bunch of her stuff here too. The only thing she took with her were clothes a Futon and a TV. She still has keys to the apartment as well. I actually let her keep them in case I ever had an accident and she needed to come take care of the cats. We haven't officially cut off all contact. I'm free to contact her and Vice versa, but she has stopped calling me and I have decided to not call her lately either. I can only take so much rejection. It hurts.

 

So anyway.... It's just a real strange situation. She's Gone but in a sense she's not. She claims to not want me anymore and has even encouraged me to Date others, but at the same time it would be really easy for her to come back like nothing ever happened. She took almost nothing with her when she left. Is this a girl who is just to Lazy to get a change of address form and to take the rest of her stuff (or) is this a girl who is keeping me as a backup just in case she realizes she screwed up by dumping me?

 

 

 

thanks,

 

John

[Blnde_Bombshell]

Don't give her the chance to even keep in contact with you. Take the inniative and take all her things to her. And say, "please tell that you have a change of address, it's not my responsibility to keep your mail for you. If you don't have it changed, I'll be throwing your mail away." you need to be assertive in this and stand up for yourself!! SHE LEFT YOU! If you never do give her all her stuff, she will just use that as an excuse to come see you and to stay in contact. Don't let her have that control. And when you tell her to have them change the adress and keep her stuff, that will be a huge reality check for her that you are ready to move on!! Stay strong!!! just remember, during this whole thing of her leaving you, she just proved to you that she isn't the one for you....

[kate111]

Sometimes when you break up with someone because you want to start a new life there is a part of you that is still attached to the person you dumped and it is still hard to finally let them go even though it is ultimately your aim.

 

This explains why dumpers get so threatened when their dumped ex gets a life or their own/ new boy or girlfriend/ disappears completely (NC).

 

They are threatened because it makes them realise that they do not have control over their ex anymore and they may not have the choice to come back anymore. They are on their own now.

 

I think this may be happening to your girlfriend. She is comforted by the fact that all connections with you are not severed completely. It makes her break from you less scary. She wants to see how she feels about the break first before fully committing to it.

 

Like putting your toe in the ocean to see if it is too cold.

 

This arrangement to collect mail and leave her stuff is for your ex a security measure. But what you need to remember is that this arrangement is NOT good for you. It keeps her in your life and prevents you from moving on (precisely her aim). She is getting everything she wants and keeping you where she wants you to be.

 

Now, no need to do anything mean or speak meanly, just calmly work out with her a way for her to pick up her stuff and redirect her mail.

 

If this girl is having any serious doubts about dumping you, then these measures should make her get scared of losing you.

 

If she is not having any doubts, then im afraid there is not much you can do but move on.

[bzborow1]

Yeah I agree with the previous poster, it's time you stand up for yourself! Tell her she's got a week to change her mailing address on everything and clear out anything she may have left or it's going in the garbage. And for your quote:

 

Is this a girl who is just to Lazy to get a change of address form and to take the rest of her stuff (or) is this a girl who is keeping me as a backup just in case she realizes she screwed up by dumping me?

 

The answer is: BOTH.

 

When you do this she will likely get mad at you, she may even start trying to tell you you're being unreasonable...but well, you have absolutely ZERO reason to cater to her, so DON'T....you have feelings, you have a life.....

 

But I suspect you are here because you already know the answer but are afraid of it. Believe me, I've been there....it's very hard but closure is best.

[kate111]

I disagree that you should threaten her to take the stuff or you will out it in the garbage.

 

This would make you seem angry and hurt. Even though you may feel like saying this to her it is better to be reasonable about things.

 

It IS, after all, a legitimate act to dump someone. There is not that much wrong with what your ex has done (other than leaving the cats to suffer emotionally from their parent's divorce!). Unless she made some kind of commitment to stay with you. People are allowed to break up with people.

 

It is better if you are mature and handle the whole thing as gracefully as possible. That way she can see that you are actually a really cool person, under ALL circumstances, not just in optimal times.

[spatzcolumbo]

This is kinda weird...i have been thinking about this kinda thing just in the last few hours. I've been split up from my ex for 7 months exactly. I've seen her a few times in the last month since she has been back from uni. She has seen me with a few new women who i have been meeting for drinks, one of whom i am 'seeing'. I know that the girl i am seeing is not gonna last - i know that my ex would always win over her if i had to choose.

 

But my ex does not know this. i am happy with my life, even though i still miss my ex. The last few times i have seen her there has been a small hint of something in her eye...i am sure of it...its that look that tells me she is thinking about me to some degree.

 

So i got to thinking about how long it takes people to come back (if they do). Then i got to thinking about how after 7 months she still has some of my things, which i have asked for, but have not been able to get off her. I started wondering whether her keeping them is partly out of wanting to keep a 'link' back to me should she ever want to have a reason to contact me....but then i realise that is probably just wishful thinking on my part!!

 

But its an interesting theory!! I'm sure some ex's do it as a way of keeping an open channel of communication...

[badBoy101]

they DO hold on to your stuff as a "link" back to you.

 

Why would they want a link back to you - well mostly it's in case their decision to leave you turned out to be the wrong one. In which case the left behind stuff is a convenient and seemingly innocent means of re-establishing contact with you.........it's a door opener.

 

My ex did this to me saying that she wanted to keep a part of me with her. She was in control of the entire situaton and had the best of both worlds. I asked for my stuff back but she ignored my requests for over a month until finally this weekend, in the face of continued pressure she sent it.

 

She also kept my name on her buddy list and said she wouldn't remove that either until finally I took matters into my own hands.

 

I took control away from her and she didn't like it one bit.

 

My advice, don't be a pawn in someone elses game. Take whatever measures necesarry to re-gain control over what belongs to you.

 

In time she may realise what she lost and come back, if not then there is nothing you can do but move on yourself.

 

badboy101

[Bingo72]

If I were you I'd wonder, "do I want someone back that did't want me even for a minute?" I think she is using you as a backup, someone to always come back to if she found out that she doesn't find something more interesting out there. How would it really make you feel if she showed up at your door tonight and said she wanted it all back?

 

You'd always wonder when the next break up might come but it wouldn't be worth the respect you'll eventually gain for yourself. My advice is to give her a call and tell her you want her to make arrangements to stop the mail and get her things. Play cool about it, if she asks why don't give her any reason. Make her wonder about you and what your private life is like these days without her.

 

Trust me, it works. Even though she's the one that left she'll still want to know what you do these days but don't allow it. Feel good about yourself and cut ties with this.

[badBoy101]

An excellent point fides 75 - we DO need to use this period of NC (whether temporary or permanent) to rediscover ourselves and the standards and ideals we live by. Somehow over time they got lost as we grew ever closer to our partners.

 

We lived for them instead of ourselves and the result? Well we all know, don't we.

 

So fides75, you're right, IF they do come back we should think long and hard about how healthy it is to become involved with a person who did this to us, not once but several times.

 

If, and it's a BIG if, both partners can resolves the issues that led to the break then by all means try again but if it's just the same old same old with the former dumped partner treading on eggshells just to "keep" their mate then in all honesty it's time to move on.

[d346]

maybe you should pick up one of those change of address cards at the post office, and place it on top of her mail pile. Kind of a hint , "please forward your mail"

[bzborow1]

Why should you care about her feelings? Being dumped is a natural part of life, but being lazy and leaving stuff at ANYONE'S house after you've left is just rude//and//or lazy. I think you should just tell her to get her things, if she doesn't the first time...tell her she's got a week. You have no obligation to think what's best for her anymore. It's not being rude, it's being clear and firm with your space.

[skynet74]

maybe you should pick up one of those change of address cards at the post office, and place it on top of her mail pile. Kind of a hint , "please forward your mail"

-------------------

 

 

I really like this suggestion. This is one that I may do.

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

Why hint about it?

 

What will help you Skynet is taking control over your own life again. You need to do this to feel good about yourself.

 

By hinting you are giving HER the choice about what to do. You are forcing her to make the decision.

 

No it is better if YOU make the decision and start setting your own rules to live by. It is NOT about her making decisions anymore.

 

You are broken up and you need to act accordingly.

 

She knows where to come if she wants to come back. But for now, it is time you start doing a few things for your own pride, dignity and piece of mind.

 

Just call her and tell her that you want her to stop coming by and to collect her things. You do not owe her an explanation. Just tell her what you want.

[skynet74]

This is my conflict. If I tell her no longer to pick up her mail etc...

 

#1. I am closing an avenue of communication. That seems to go against what I really want which is to communicate more.

 

#2. We are told to act like friends and act like we did in the beginning. Let the Ex see the wonderful person that they fell in love with. Well I know that in the beginning I wouldn't have told her to no longer show her face here and to go get her mail elsewhere!

 

Can you see why I am conflicted? Short talk, Happy talk should be encouraged to bring out the warm side of the Ex. Should I really be doing something in the opposite direction that might piss her off even more than she already is?

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

I know it seems counter intuitive to close areas of communication when really you are yearning to get this girl you love back but really it is all you can do. She has broken up with you. she doesn't want you right now.

 

You are too hurt to act like you did in the beginning. It is unlikely that you will be able to pull this off successfully right now unless you are extremely strong, maybe even too strong. It is just not practical. More likely you will just appear to her as a doormat or the like, or will be tempted to do something you will later regret.

 

You need to acnkowledge what has happened. She has moved out.

 

You cannot go on living with the fantasy that she could move right in again and nothing would have changed.

 

It HAS changed. Even if she were to come back now things would not be the same. I know it hurts to realise this but you do need to acknowledge it and sooner rather than later.

 

You need no contact in the beginning. To reclaim some sanity for yourself. You are regressing every time you make contact (even indirectly) with this woman.

 

You do not have to be mean about telling her to redirect and move her stuff out.

 

Just explain to her that you need these reminders of her to be removed to help you cope with the situation.

 

She will understand.

 

It is going to hurt more if she CHOOSES to end these avenues of communication sometime after she dumped you. Then you will be left feeling like the most dumptest of dumpsville.

 

I want to help you prevent this from happening

 

It is better to have some time apart and then when she calls you (which is 99% likely- after 10 years she is not going to forget you that quickly) she will be ready to talk to you and you will know that she is calling for more positive contacts than simply collecting her mail or getting some more of her stuff.

 

I feel for you.

[fantasia2004]

Skynet,

 

Do you yourself a favor and take the initiative and tell her to pick up her stuff and not use your place as a dumping ground. What are you chop liver?

 

She dumped you and now is using you for her stuff. What are you a warehouse or storage place, for clothes and things? Do you get paid for this? NO!

 

End the insanity! Please!

 

End Note!

[skynet74]

Well I may actually be moving out soon. She in turn would be moving back in. So that is another reason where a change of address form would just cause more complication than it may be worth. Of course if I decide to stay then I will let her know that her mail will no longer be delivered here.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

Well I would decide quick smart or else get it redirected anyway.

 

YES IT IS WORTH IT. Your piece of mind is worth it.

 

I would also pile up her stuff, shove it ion one room and then close the door. You don't even want to see it.

 

If you don't take thse measures then you are just pressing the bruise and making your life worse, in my view.

[lunatic]

Skynet,

 

Listen I think Kate111 and fantasia have great points from a womans point of view. I think you should sit down with her and tell her nicely to get her crap out of your apartment. Be civil about it but, you have to start your own life up again. You can't be waiting for this woman that you have spent ten years with. You have to start to get your life back in order as well as your heart. Either you move out or she should get her stuff out right away.

 

Stand up for your self and show her that you have started to move on. It is inevitable at this point so you might as well start. She left you my friend and you owe her nothing at all. I know your in pain but, this situation is not healthy either.

 

Do the right thing.

 

Hubman

[bzborow1]

Just another thought but....who exactly is using this as a means to hold on to something here?? You need to rid yourself of the stress this situation is obviously causing you and start looking for a good woman. Or "rediscover" yourself or whatever. I know it's hard...well another way to think of is...if you continue to allow her to manipulate you like this what reason does she have to change? You need to be fair...but firm...no more, no less.

[skynet74]

Just another thought but....who exactly is using this as a means to hold on to something here?? You need to rid yourself of the stress this situation is obviously causing you and start looking for a good woman.

-----------------

 

Well I don't know if she is using this as a means to hold onto me without telling me or vice versa. I know that I honestly feel a lot less distraught then I did a couple months ago. For the past week I made a promise to stop letting myself get stressed out over her and it has done me wonders. She made this break happen. Nothing I can do about it. So now I am just taking it in stride. She came by last Friday to get her mail and after she left I was fine. So a piece of me feels like it's no big deal if she gets her mail here. Right now I don't feel effected by it. I feel stronger each day and more of me wants less of her. I think this is the best road to take right now. Just show her that I am totally uneffected by her. How much longer can she be angry at someone who doesn't give her anything to fight against?

 

Listen... she is clearly in a fog right now. I don't have the energy to fight against her anymore. It doesn't do any good anyway. So I've adopted an attitude of indifference. So far it feels real good, so I'm just going to go with this for now and see what happens. Let her get her mail here. I couldn't care less. Let her keep half her furniture here. I'm using it anyway. Right now I'm doing better and that's all that matters.

 

 

 

John

[badBoy101]

ALL of the advice you have been getting is 100% spot on.

 

Listen, we're pretty similar in age (2 years separate us) so I KNOW just how much this means to you at this stage of your life.

 

This was no fling but a long term, life partnership.....or so you hoped.....and so the consequences are simply devastating for you, that much I appreciate.

 

My ex too hung on to some of my possessions and also kept me on her messenger list - your ex is doing a similar thing and the reason is obvious - it's a link back to you if she needs it - it costs her nothing and makes it easy IF she wants to one day initiate contact with you.

 

In short, right now she is holding ALL the aces, your hand ain't worth squat, and she knows that too.

 

As hard as it may be you MUST get back control here, at least in the areas where you can and should retain control.

 

Why? Because up until now you have had ZERO control over anything, including your emotions and look where it has got you.

 

Getting back control will do several things, all of them good. Firstly you will feel less of a victim and this will have some impact on whatever else you choose to do with this situation.

 

Secondly it will show her that she DOESN'T call all the shots with you and that NO, anxiety issues aside you aren't dependent on her............remember John, she knows you, your strengths and weaknesses and she's using this knowledge against you just now.

 

Secondly, if you cut off her obvious line of contact she may feel "so what" at first but after a while it will get her thinking and maybe even a little uncomforable...........remember, she kept the line open because she wanted and needed to........upset that plan and she will have to react in order to restore what is HER comfort zone......by coming and finding you rather than the other way around.

 

By doing that the balance of power, and it IS power, has shifted in your favor.

 

Finally John.............this cutting of these last links will allow you to begin to makes a more concerted effort to build a strong new you......because you will have no other choice.........

 

So John, take a leap of faith here, take control of this situation and I promise you, only good can come of it.

 

By the way I really do care about this.........

 

badboy101

[skynet74]

You give good advice. All of you do. I do want to take control back. I know that she holds all the cards right now. She knows that too. Tomorrow I'm going to have to do something to change this. You are absolutely right.

 

thank you all,

 

 

John

[kate111]

Im afraid I agree with Badboy.

 

You are only shortchanging yourself by allowing her these security links. If you didn't care then you wouldn't be on this website but would instead be dating another woman or at the movies or something.

 

You say that your girlfriend got rid of you because she was bored. That is because she got so secure that things lacked excitement. By leaving things the way they are, ie she can come back whenever she wants and it would be as if she never left, you are fulfilling her security need the same way that you were during your relationship, except that now she doesn't even have to do anything and you will still fulfill that need. You will always be there. Good old reliable John.

 

Wow, that's good news for her.

 

Better for you to pull the carpet out from underneath her.

 

You will feel bad at first and freak out a bit that you won't see her for a while (or possibly even forever) but that will pass and you will accept things more.

 

I know about this security thing from experience. I lived with a guy and we even talked of marriage and then I got itchy feet. I became unsure. We broke up but he still allowed me contact and kept my stuff and for me I didn't want to give him up but I wanted to explore the world at the same time. I did miss him and I went back to him and maintained the connection. But then I gradually emotionally detached from him more and more. Like pulling a bandaid off slowly.

 

I think things may have been different if he had simply up and left. I probably would have wondered where he was and missed him. I may have come crawling back, who knows.

 

John, I think you are deluding yourself that you don't care. You need to accept that your girl wants to explore the world on her own. You need some time to yourself to heal. Reminders of her are not going to help you to reclaim your life.

 

Get rid of her things and start afresh. Who cares if you have to sit on milk crates, at least they will be YOUR OWN milkcrates. Start making preparations to move on.

 

She may come back. You had 10 years together. At the very least you will be friends. That much we know.

 

But right now you must act like the relationship is over. Life is just an experience after all and you cannot own or possess anyone. You must learn to live by and for yourself.

 

If it is more trouble for her to redirect the mail and then back again if she moves in then so be it. That is her problem not yours. Stop making things easy for her at your own expense. Right now your prime concern is looking after yourself. Get her to redirect your mail because you are worth it.

 

Good luck.

[spatzcolumbo]

ok...a few days back, i wrote this:

 

Then i got to thinking about how after 7 months she still has some of my things, which i have asked for, but have not been able to get off her. I started wondering whether her keeping them is partly out of wanting to keep a 'link' back to me should she ever want to have a reason to contact me....but then i realise that is probably just wishful thinking on my part!!

 

Is my ex reading this board or something???

 

We have seen each other a few times in passing over the last 2 months - just to wave or say hello when she has been working at my local pub, but we've not called or messaged each other for 2 months.

 

I'm sitting here in my room today, and was REALLY bored and almost texted my ex to see if she wanted to go for a drink...but i managed not to...then i got to thinking about what i said above about her having my things...they are things she had with her at uni...which is why i could not get them back as she was 7 hours away...she has been back from uni for 6 weeks now, and has not made any attempt to give things back or even mentioned it...until today....just a few days after i posted about whether ex's ever keep stuff just to give them that reason to contact us.

 

Having been thinking about messaging her for much of the day, i suddenyl got a message from HER!!! It just said "hey just to let you know i have your things, so i can come over and give them to you whenever you want x"

 

I'm not reading anything into it at all - i am sure she DOES just want to give me my things back!!! Just made me laugh, because there is no reason at all why she should suddenly choose a boring Sunday afternoon to do it!!!