reuniting with old friends on the internet - is it ever a good idea

[grai]

This is aimed at people in the 40's and 50's

 

I'm interested to know if anyone has had friends they have got back in touch with on Facebook or whatever and how that panned out

 

I'm not talking two years since you left college and you're both single and the same people

 

I'm talking about being close to friends you really loved and missed and then found them on the net and found they'd had kids, parents had died, they'd divorced a couple of times, been bankrupt, won the lottery...

 

I'm 52 and after several reunions with people on Facebook and Friends Reunited etc. Or just Googling names it hasnt been a successful experience and now I have come accross close friends from long ago and not sent them a message because I've realised I am a totally different human being and so are they

 

I am now in a dilemma with about 5 people!! How to drop them nicely and pretend the reunion hadn't happened!!

 

Mostly its to do with what I have posted about on here before - they are letting me do all the calling and the effort because they have kids (?? Never understood that one!! Since when did reproducing make you incapable of picking up a telephone!!)

 

Got enough people in my life doing that already I dont need a whole new batch!!

 

Does anyone else think that internet reunions are not a good idea - or am I just a crabby old man

[FarthestEdge]

This is aimed at people in the 40's and 50's

 

 

I am now in a dilemma with about 5 people!! How to drop them nicely and pretend the reunion hadn't happened!!

 

Mostly its to do with what I have posted about on here before - they are letting me do all the calling and the effort because they have kids (?? Never understood that one!! Since when did reproducing make you incapable of picking up a telephone!!)

 

Got enough people in my life doing that already I dont need a whole new batch!!

 

 

Your solution is quite simple, really. Stop calling them.

[grai]

Your solution is quite simple, really. Stop calling them.

 

how old are you?

[FarthestEdge]

how old are you?

 

I am in your target demographic, why?

 

Seriously. I have had friends that left all the calling to me. If I didn't make the effort, nothing happened-we didn't talk, or get together. When I got tired of it, I stopped calling and chasing after them (because that's what it felt like to me- like I valued the friendships and they took it for granted). Some started calling, and the relationship equalized, others faded away until they were nothing more than names on my Christmas card list.

 

Why invest in people, who can't invest in you?

[grai]

Just to recap - the thread is about getting touch with old friends and peoples' experiences

 

The purpose of the thread is a *discussion* of the pro's and cons of re-uniting with people after 20 years

 

I never bicker with people on the net thats just way too lame - I always agree to disagree

 

dialogue and sharing ideas is so much more interesting and inspiring and doesnt drain energy "I don't agree with you " is fine but very dull to me

 

perhaps my original post didnt make that clear

 

xx

[sunnyv]

if they are not making the time for you then your options are to either continue calling and going out of your way or kinda fade away into the background stop contacting them for a bit. and see what happens then.

 

it depends really what you want to do with your time. you sound like you have enough friends that your life is find without these people in it. i think that in life we lose friends, gain new ones, lose them and the cycle repeats with us maintaining very few friendships throughout the years. its up to you. my opinion would be to just fade away into the background and stop calling them, but thats just me, i don't keep in contact with people from college, its so long ago, i was a different person and whast the point really. i almost see facebook as a way to brag about your life instead of just living it.

 

its up to you at the end of the day. what do you want with their friendship? what do you want? do you want to continue the friendship with them? If so then continue to call.

[FarthestEdge]

I am now in a dilemma with about 5 people!! How to drop them nicely and pretend the reunion hadn't happened!!

 

Sorry- I thought you were looking for advice on this dilemma. Are we bickering? I was just offering you some advice to a dilemma. Take what you can use, and discard the rest.

 

I'm a little confused by your recent post to be honest.

 

However, to answer your question about getting in touch. There are three major reasons I hesitate to reach out to the past:

 

1) I barely have enough time for the people who are in my life today, so I am reticent to add to that list, for fear of letting more people down. Yes, I have children and a full time job, so while picking up a phone is easy, doing so while changing a diaper, cooking dinner for four, assisting with homework, making lunches...is a bit more tricky. Many, (but not all) of my friends are parents too, so we all get this. Those who don't have kids understand if I don't call for weeks- which is why, in part, we are still friends.

 

2) My life is happy, calm and drama-free. I always worry I'll reconnect with someone who has a drama-filled life who will latch on and inject her drama into my life.

 

3) Honestly, I've moved on, I assume they have too. Presumably, there's a reason we didn't KEEP in touch. Sometimes the past is best left where it is...

 

However I DID reconnect recently with a highschool friend. I had thought about her for years, but hesitated to call, for the reasons stated above. She actually contacted me first. Now we live in different areas, so our 'friendship' is limited to e-mails and FB chats, but I have to say, it's really great to see how happy she is and get to know who she is now. Funny thing is, we have completely different things in common than we did when we were friends in HS. And we only mention the past in passing here and there, or to make a joking comment on FB.

 

But I also see her as a special case. I have another friend who still LIVES in the past. Every conversation was "Remember when?" and "Whatever happened to..." etc. You can only re-live those times so much. I just find that painful to rehash over and over.

[FarthestEdge]

Just to recap - the thread is about getting touch with old friends and peoples' experiences

 

The purpose of the thread is a *discussion* of the pro's and cons of re-uniting with people after 20 years

 

I never bicker with people on the net thats just way too lame - I always agree to disagree

 

dialogue and sharing ideas is so much more interesting and inspiring and doesnt drain energy "I don't agree with you " is fine but very dull to me

 

perhaps my original post didnt make that clear

 

xx

 

I really don't understand what I said that was so offensive to you that you felt the need to call me 'dull' and "lame', and talk about 'agreeing to disagree'...About WHAT? I hadn't even offered an opinion of my own, nor did I attack your opinion in any way. I simply offered what seemed an effective and easy solution to your dilemma based on my own experience.

 

I thought I was adressing the point of your post, and offering contructive advice, and you accuse me of bickering? What's that all about?

[grai]

"I DID reconnect recently with a highschool friend. I had thought about her for years, but hesitated to call, for the reasons stated above. She actually contacted me first. Now we live in different areas, so our 'friendship' is limited to e-mails and FB chats, but I have to say, it's really great to see how happy she is and get to know who she is now. Funny thing is, we have completely different things in common than we did when we were friends in HS. And we only mention the past in passing here and there, or to make a joking comment on FB."

 

I've had this experience too which is great - one or two people haven't changed that much and we KIND OF take off where were before even tho it was 20 years ago

 

Generally tho its been uncomfortable after the initial catching up

 

I catch myself thinking "where are we going with this?"

 

But only because most of the 6 or 7 people that have messaged me or I've messaged are starting to become a one-way street

 

the ones equally as pleased to regain the friendship and make the same effort have been a minority - well, one person to be exact!

 

I'm in a situation - especially with the ones I contacted where I wish I could turn back the clock and not have got in touch

 

its true what you say about rehashing stuff over & over - its nice to remember happy times and have a laugh - but then what?

[doiiiieeezie]

You re-hash, talk, laugh and move on. I don't see where the issue lies.

[Batya33]

I am 44 and this past summer reconected with my best friend from 5th grade (we hadn't spoken in about 30 years). I am a newlywed and new mom, she has a long term boyfriend and has no children. It has been wonderful. We'd never emailed before but always "passed notes" and we still love to write and email a lot. We got together three times when I was in our hometown this past summer and talked and talked for hours. She is so great with and about my son as well.

Other reunions have not been as great and there are a few people I somewhat regret being back in touch with. I reconnected with most of these people while I was single and before I had the baby. Some are single,most are married with kids.

[grai]

You re-hash, talk, laugh and move on. I don't see where the issue lies.

 

I'm uncomfortable with the situation that I've created - often people have connected me to MORE mutual old friends "I gave so-and-so your email" - but in fact I wished I hadnt bothered - because its NOT moving anywhere - thats the problem

 

now what?

[FarthestEdge]

I'm uncomfortable with the situation that I've created - often people have connected me to MORE mutual old friends "I gave so-and-so your email" - but in fact I wished I hadnt bothered - because its NOT moving anywhere - thats the problem

 

now what?

 

Now nothing. If you aren't interested in contacting them, then don't. If they contact you, and you aren't interested in having contact with them, then either dont reply, or keep it short & sweet.

 

What do you feel you are obligated to do here? I sense you think that there is some *expectation* of you. It's up to you whether or not you choose to respond to that *perceived* expectation. If I am wrong, then I apologize, but I just don't fully grasp the issue here.

[grai]

I've met with them - I'm not just talking about facebook chat - I've been to their houses met their families, done coffee - whatever we could arrange

 

a year later I'm thinking hmmmnn....

 

I didnt make that clear - these were all people who contacted me through the net - but now we're carrying on as though 20 years gap didnt happen

 

thats the part I'm struggling with

 

obviously you can behave how you like over the internet - its a manners-free zone - as every thread on here will prove - there's always one person who enjoys not having to be as polite as they would in real life

 

But I'm now meeting these people in real life!!

 

sorry if that part wasnt clear

[FarthestEdge]

I'm still not seeing a difference. The people I have allowed to 'drift away' are real-in-town friends, not online ones. Again, if they don't call, waiting for you to call instead, let them wait. If you run into them at the grocery store, a party, whatever- be friendly as always, don't bring up the fact that you haven't been in touch. If they say "we haven't heard from you in awhile", simply say "I know, I've been busy, you know how it is. " Keep the conversation short & sweet. You've got things to do..."take care" and carry on your way.

 

You are an adult, and you owe no one any explanation as to what you do with your time or with whom.

 

Again- what do you think is expected of you. What do you think will happen if you fail to meet those expectations?

[grai]

farthestedge

I live in central London! There is no way I would ever "run into" anyone I know at a grocery store! - we would both be in shock by the incredible coincidence!

 

I'm more interested in peoples' feelings about the role the internet is playing in brining past friendships back into our lives

 

Whether people see it as only good or only bad - or in between

 

Personally I'd have to say I now choose not to contact people I havent seen for more than 5 years whereas when I first went online anyone I half recognised I was leaving them a message!