In need of a male perspective, female too if any..

[Aylin]

I recently broke up with my bf because I'm so confused. I went out on a date with him before I left for a job in a city accross the country. He swept me off my feet, and we fell in love. He was crazier about me than I him though. He wanted to get married, and told everyone he knows about me. I left still but we were going to make things work somehow which included him moving out there with me. Meanwhile he called me 20 times a day while I was accross the continent, sent me flowers, and lovely emails. He flew over to spend a week with me after a month, and was more serious about moving to the new city with me.

 

I was over-wrought by the distance so I went back to be with him, but I didn't tell him. It's a great surprise! After the end of the first week, everything fell apart. At first he blamed me for having coffee (only once for an hour) with my ex (now a very good friend) who I broke up with 3 years ago. He then accused me of having inappropriate relationships with my male friends (I'm a rather modern and open person but I'm all about loyalty and honesty). He wanted to know every detail who I went out with and so forth.

 

Then he started cutting me out of his family and friends that I've just gotten to know. He wouldn't go out with me anymore, but we would still spend a lot of time in his apartment. He then told me that he's not sure if he loves me anymore that he needs more time to think about what went wrong. How can he fall out of love so quickly since I was the love of his life just 2 months ago? I asked what I have done that led to this and he has no answer for me. We fought a few times, and at one point he said he didn't know why I was so emotional. I got upset because he left me waiting for hours into the night when he was supposed to come pick me up.

 

I know he's totally stressed out about work, and thereforeeee money problems. He came accross as someone who made a lot of money, but now that I back, I realized that he's pretty broke half the time. His parents bail him out most of the time. I don't really mind that since I'm financially independent, and all I want is for him to love me. And I believe he will do well financially in the distance future.

 

He does have the pattern of only short term relationships. And he was burnt a couple of times by women he dated who went back to their ex-bfs, and he have had an affair with a woman who cheated on her live-in bf with him. We had a good conversations about all these issues and I thought all was resolved, or is it? He says he doesn't want our relationship to be a 3 month fling but he has no answer for me. He's not sure why he constantly tries to irritate me or says mean things to me. He would say 'No' to everything simply because...even though he doesn't really want to. Can someone give me some sort of an insight please? Do you think it's helpful that I asked for a time out from the relationship? We're both in our 30s.

[Screamindemonuk]

Well it sounds like you are thinking quite reasonably from what you say. You do sometimes have to take into consideration how someone else has been hurt before but it sounds like he is sulking like a child. There is only so much you should expect to put up with. Have you explained to him the importance of you socialising with your male friends and that you don't want to spend all the time stuck in an apartment. I assume you have but sometimes you just have to spell out the truth to the other person for them to understand your point of view. Maybe his short term relationship track record is because he behaves like this with everybody?

[Aylin]

Thanks much Screamindemonuk for your thoughts. I've been told again and again by female friends that most men need to know that they are the only men in their women's lives. It's hard to accept that there are other males hanging around even though it's all friendly.

 

We all have baggage. At what point does it cease to be an issue?

[Mjoelner]

I hope I can contribute with something constructive (for the record am a 24 year old man)

 

Perhaps he is tired of the life he has. Here are some thoughts on what COULD have been going on:

He dreamed of making a clean start with you somewhere new. Yes, I know all his friends are where he is now, but all the more reason to have a good explanation for leaving, i.e. "The woman I want to marry lives somwhere else, it's nobody's fault and you will all still be my friends..."

I base this on:

.....[he] was more serious about moving to the new city with me..........I went back to be with him, but I didn't tell him. It's a great surprise! After the end of the first week, everything fell apart.

- He probably got his hopes dashed - and resents you for it but knows you didn't do it intentionally. Plus you didn't tell him you were coming back - that could be making matters a little worse (he did not get a chance to have a say in it). He probably didn't say anything because:

 

a) He would feel akward telling you that he wants a new start on life (it would be kind of a defeat admitting he dosen't like his current life - we men often try hard as hell to never show any emotional weaknesses like that)

 

b) You two haven't known each other that long - he probably didn't want to scare you off (would you not have been hurt if he hadn't shown appreciation of you coming back?). And perhaps he was just not ready to go too that deep just yet.

 

So the frustration of things not panning out as he had hoped did not get vented - instead he becomes a pain to be around. .... Actually, that's me I'm describing when I can't put my own thoughts and emotions into words (yes, that does happen...)

 

Another reason he starts to distrust you(other than being frustrated about a lost dream): You have baggage, too. It may not only be his own past he would like a break from - perhaps he hoped to get a girl without a past herself, as well....(moving to the other side of the continent...).

 

I have a question for you - Did you tell him you were going away on your first date? If yes, his enthusiasm for you might have been boosted by an outlook to another and baggage-less life..(he did seem a bit over-affectionate in the beginning)

-----------------------

 

That was what I thought after the first read-through of your very detailed and structured post (very good - makes it easier to get an impression) but I'm sure more angles are to be found in your post.

 

At any rate, something is bugging him, and it could well be true when he says he doesn't know if he loves you anymore. I know from myself that I would rather get dumped than dump someone who is essentially a good person (from the way you write, you seem ok) - and perhaps he is just waiting for you to ..."do the honors". ..?

[Scout]

This guy has serious baggage that he takes with him into every brief relationship he has. Believe me, there will be many other baffled women after you experiencing the same thing. Cut him loose.

[Aylin]

Thank you Majoelner and Scout for your input.

 

All my closest friends that I've confided in say the same thing, but I can't get over the fact that he may have been waiting for me to initiate the break all along.

 

Isn't it outright manipulative and unethical for someone to do this to another fellow human being whom you supposedly love and cherish? Is there no honor in love anymore?

[Scout]

Yes, it's absolutely unethical and manipulative. That's why you should be outraged and cut him loose. But please don't do a disservice to all the genuinely cool, healthy, and available guys out there by thinking this one guy's actions make love dishonorable. Simply put, you just bit into a bad apple.

[schmenj]

I do think you need to be very careful about socializing with your ex if you are serious about your current blossoming relationship. Elements of jealousy are inherent to human nature. It sounds like your BF is acting immaturely but still, without full knowledge of the context of you hanging out with your ex, it is hard for me to fully justify your own behavior.

 

I am thirty and happily married for 1 1/2 years to a woman I have been together with for a total of 7 years. I had dated several women long term in the past before her and initially while I was dating my wife (then girlfriend) I kept in touch with two of my ex's. One ex was a very close friend. One may say too close and my wife sensed an emotional connection that had lingered between us. It ate her up inside that I could spend time with other women who I had been very intimate with previously. Despite not having sexual contact at all with these ex's, I will admit that there was indeed an emotional tie that lingered between me and my ex's. My wife would look in the eyes of my ex and imagine her having sex with me and it honestly disgusted her, to the point that it came close to breaking us up. After much pain I ultimately came to the decision that I had cease entirely in communicating with my ex'es, out of fairness to my wife's feelings. It was the smartest thing I have done, and our relationship and now marriage has been smooth sailing.

If you are serious about this guy and truly want to be with him, give him the benefit of the doubt and eliminate ex's from your life to remove potential jealousies.

 

If you are not so serious about him, well, more power to you - keep on hanging out with everyone you like. Furthermore, please think critically about your own intentions in hanging out with an ex. Is it REALLY 'just friends' or are there other things lingering under the surface that you have not addressed on your own posting.

 

God Bless

[Aylin]

Schmenj,

 

I understand what you're saying.

 

But here's my thought: My ex-ex and I were together for many many years. We connect well on all levels except on how we want our relationship to be. Hence, the breakup 3 years ago. Took me a while to get over that. We became friends again about a year ago, and I realized that we will always be friends for a long long time. He's a very good man, a wonderful individual to be around. Family and friends are very important to me, and since I'm in this city alone, friends are family members. Good friends, truly good friends are hard to come by. And for that reason, and that reason alone I want to keep my friendship with my ex-ex.

 

Having said that, and as difficult as it is, I did cut off contact with my ex-ex to be with my new ex. I thought long and hard for 2 weeks before making that decision and finally told my ex of the decision. He asked how is he to know that I really mean it, and I say only time will tell and my action will tell. And to think I was naive enough to believe that was the only issue in our relationship. Soon after that, he started picking on other things, the hot and cold treatment persisted. I was again confused, and he wasn't sure if I was still his gf. We both, embittered, did exchanged some spiteful remarks. I realized that I didn't want to go down that path, so I asked for a time-out.

 

NC has been good, and thanks to all my good friends and you guys, I've been able stay strong for the most part. I cried everyday for the first week and felt like a zombie. I've stopped crying, but I've been angry for the past 3 days. I miss him terribly, but I can't bear the hot and cold treatment. I can't bear the thought that he's thinking if I'm worth keeping. One day I'm a god-send, and next day I'm not sure if I have time for you for the rest of the week. Please don't jump into conclusion that I was asking him to spend every waking and sleeping moment with me. I'm a professional - I work 50 hours a week, in the process of decorating my place, and have many social obligations. Even when we had our final discussion, he said that I was a great catch, like everyone else. But maybe he said it because he was trying to smooth things over, or out of guilt...I don't know...