Mife wife says she loves me but she is not in love

[lostinottawa]

Recently I found out that my wife is interested in a perosn at work. She says she has not had sex or even kissed at this point. She says this relationship has been going on for about a year. She says she is still very interested in this person and does not intend to stop seeing him. She has also told me she does not want to split and that she loves me but she is not in love with me (what does that mean). We have been married for 16 years and have three kids. This has been an absolute shock to me and I am lost. Has any one got any advice?

[lunatic]

Yikes!!!

 

That is the infamous line that gets me really mad. I am sorry that your wife is pulling this but, maybe it is time to strike out on your own. No one needs to be treated like a piece of meat. You have feelings too and she sounds very selfish for what she is doing. In the end, it is your decision as to what is going to happen. The only advice I can give is to tell you if you stay your in for a really tough time.

 

I am sorry about your situation!

 

Hubman

[evepm]

Dear lostinottawa:

 

I'm sorry for your current situation. I think you wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. I think the reason she doesn't want to split up is because she has probably thought about how difficult it will be if she's a single mom with 3 kids. She is being completely SELFISH.

 

I agree with hubman01. You have feelings and she's stompng all over them. Maybe you should consider life without her. Best of luck to you.

 

Peace and blessings to you,

evepm

[OceanEyes]

Wow ... sometimes people really surprise me I tell ya! She's not only seeing someone else outside of your marriage, but she's actually expecting you to accept it and stay with her? What about you?

 

Are you considering turning the other cheek and possibly letting it slide? If not, I would suggest that you lay things out for her as clearly as possible: 'I want to be the only one in your life, and no, I will not stay with you if you continue to see someone else'.

 

Are you sure that her relationship with him isn't just friendly if she's telling you that she won't stop seeing him? Are there certain parts to the story that you're omitting? I just can't imagine that a woman you've lived, shared and loved with for 16 years is all of a sudden telling you she's going to start having an affair if you like it or not. Who does that?

[lostinottawa]

Thanks very much for your replies. I am disappointed, I was hoping someone would say this is just a low in the relationship cycle and with extra effort, caring and work we could fix things. I am sure I have somehow contributed to the situation, i.e taken her for granted or become to comfortable in our relationship. Were do I go form here? I really want to put the pieces back together. I have never had an outside relationship and I have never contemplated one, I love her but I feel so let down. I don't know who to turn to! I so badly need someone to talk to.

[Kittengirl]

I really feel for you. Surely after 16 years together you can actually sit down and talk? This is how most affairs start (in the workplace)and unless you let her know how this revelation is making you feel it could spiral out of control. Can you chat to her? Ask her what she thinks is missing in your relationship, she must think there is something lacking if she's spending her time with someone else.She hasn't done anything yet but I wonder if she's contemplating it. What do you think her reaction would be if you said you were going to split over this? It may sound drastic but it could put things into perspective. I hope you can talk it out and get back on track. Good luck.

[maharito]

I'm sorry I can't be of much help...I don't have any relevant experience to help.

 

But I will tell you this... This is exactly the thing I and many people fear to the point of insanity--that their love will be betrayed. If one person's definition of love in their relationship has fallen out of sync with the other, that is a LACK OF COMMUNICATION, pal. I don't know what led to it, but your love has been allowed to drift apart and part of it was not talking about it enough (or one of you hiding the truth from the other).

 

Perhaps you could include that in your discussions with your wife. There are people who live their entire lives openly opposing and fighting this kind of thing. There are also a lot of folks (seems to be more of a guy thing) who know on every level that they will not ever, EVER contribute to a world of betrayal and conditional 'love.'

 

If you resolve this with your wife, and find her to be true, as true as she was in your earlier days if not moreso... Then you'll be effectively giving me and a lot of people a reason to live.

 

Keep it up... I say this from the heart. REALLY.

[solstice48]

I got the same words thrown at me after 25 yrs of marriage. My ex said she loved me but wasn't in love with me & that was because she was loving someone else. I'm afraid in many cases that's the way it turns out.