What do I do, I still love my Ex???

[gingerscotsman]

Hello everyone.

 

I hope you can give me some advise. I had been going out with my Ex for 14 months when we split up. It was a little complicated though. She was my first girlfriend and taught me pretty much all I know about love. Our relationship was brilliant, certainly for the first 3 months. unfortunately my ex had a problem with her appearance. Despite my best efforts to convince her she was gorgeous she insisted she was fat and ugly (She really is beutiful and it tore me appart her saying this about herself). Without warning all physical aspects of our relationship stopped. This included kissing (any more than a peck on the cheek was a no no) and I had to almost beg for a hug. I was in the relationship for more than just the physical aspects and tried to help her through her problem by staying with her.

 

With the exception of this our relationship continued to go well. We were more like very good friends than bf & gf. I tried various methods to help her feel better about herself but nothing worked. unfortunately the tension grew in me. I was confused about what was wrong and she said she did not know what it was.

 

After 14 months we split. We remained very good friends though, the relationship never changed at all. We still saw each other as much (every day). We split on the premise that she was not in an emotional state to be in a relationship (her words not mine). I was relativly happy with this arrangment. My plan was to help her through her issues and then get back with her.

 

unfortunately disaster struck a few days ago. We at this time would have been split for 3 months. I have been working alot and was unable to see her as much as I would have liked. In this time she was asked out by another guy, a friend of her friend. She told me about this and told me she was going to say yes. I was devastated. In my mind the relationship was never really over. I told her at this point that I didn't think I could be around her if she had a bf, even though I really want to be with her. This is a completely new situation for me. On the one hand I want to see her happy and hope that this new guy can help her where I have failed. On the other hand I am very jelous and want her all to myself. If she is not in an emotional state to be in a relationship how can she go out with this guy.

 

She was everything I ever wanted in a girl but throughout the whole relationship I felt in many was a little underappreciated. What do I do. I don't think I can be around her knowing that she is with another guy but I really don't want to loose her forever. Ahhhh !! Help !!!!!!

 

Confused!!

[roo1oo]

It sounds like she said she wasnt in the emotional state for a relationship so she wouldn't have to be your girlfriend anymore. I hate saying that, but thats the cold hard truth, and sometimes when tragedies with relationships strike, you need to hear the truth, not something that will make you feel better. Then again, I can tell alot of the reason why you broke up has to do with her psychological state. If she had a perfect body and refused to believe it, then who's to say she could of had the perfect man and refused to believe it. Maybe she had some problem with physical attractions as well, thinking it was dirty or improper. All these things add up to her unwillingness to have a relationship, and it'll probably be the same with any man she dates for a long time until she sees what is going on.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry the relationship to you was never really over. Is it over now? Sounds like you think it is. If you dont think it is, then you need to start considering it over. And I agree, you shouldn't talk to her. Every time you talk to her, you will just get upset again over the fact that you two aren't together anymore.

 

Just remember, you are still young (24 is certaintly young) and I feel that no one should go through life only experiencing the love of one person. That's the benifit to not being married, if the love seems to fade, you can fall in love with someone else without it being a huge legal issue. So go out there and find yourself some love again!

[TrueHeart]

Don't for one minute think that her insecurities about her self-image/confidence/esteem had anything to do with something YOU failed at. You honestly did everything you could to make her feel very loved, beautiful and special. Sometimes, people just cannot take compliments.

 

About this new guy, I think perhaps she needs something that will help her contrast you vs. someone else. Beings it was your first relationship, this is kind of hard to really grasp. I don't blame you for not wanting to be friends, for the main reason that you don't want to feel 'replaced'. Things are so precious and difficult to really diagnose what to do because only you truly know the situation better than any of us here.

 

My best suggestion is perhaps to sit her down, but not to pour your heart out to her, but simply to just let her know that you support her in whatever she does-- that you love her enough to see her happy and to see her beautiful. It is so hard becoming friends with someone who you've loved with your whole heart. My guess also, is that this guy probably won't last that long. If she truly is not emotionally ready for a relationship, it will show in that one too... Classically known as a "rebound"-- I'll keep hoping for you! Keep us posted!

[gingerscotsman]

Thank you both for replying to my post. I do realise that the relationship is over but unfortunaly it is going to take a wee bit getting used to for me. She has been what my life has revolved round for over a year now and it is very difficult for me to let go. For a time I did blame myself for what were essentially her problems but I have realised now that it was not anything i had or had not done.

 

I would love to continue to see her. If I followed my heart here then I would be with her now. I just can't bring myself to see her with another guy, doing the things that she refused to do with me. I do hope this is a step on her road to recovery and that her new bf won't be in the picture for long. I dare say there are not many guys who would be as patient as I have been. All a know about the new guy is that he shares some similar interests as her, he is 26 and has been out of work for 2 years. I know she has been treated badly in the past and I really hope this guy will be nice to her.

 

I would take her back in the future if the conditions were right. She would need to treat me better though. The thing is with the exception of her lack of affection she was great. If she could sort that out then it would be perfect. I told her the night she confessed to me that I would always be there for her in the future but I will need to be carefull to make sure I don't get taken for a ride. I just hope she is happy and that one day I will find happiness too.

 

Thanks for your continued support. I will keep you posted of new developments.

[TrueHeart]

I admire your boldness and will. You just have to get to the point where you don't want to 'wait'f for something wrong to happen for her to take you back.. You deserve a lot better... Love her you always will, but ask youself..: Are you in love with the 'new' her, or basically, are you in love with the memory of what you had?

 

Deciphering that will help clear your mind and mentally help you move on. I sincerely hope the best for you...

[gingerscotsman]

I like the way you have put that! You may be correct. If I look at her behaviour objectivly, over the last wee while she is not the sort of person I would imagine that I would love. I am still in love with that girl who would run at me and hug me when I arrived. I am still in love with that girl who would text me sweet messages until all hours of the morning. I am still in love with that girl who would say 'I love you James' as her first words in the morning. All of these qualities have been lacking in our relationship for quite some time. I just wish I could have that girl back '

 

I have talked to a few people about the situation and they all agree that I was treated poorly at the end. I just am finding it hard to believe that I might have actually been used. My heart does not want to believe such things but my head tells me that its true. I don't want to focus on the negative aspects though. I had alot of great times with her and thats what I want to remember about her, not how badly I was treated towards the end.

 

Thankyou all for your continued support.

 

You will be the first to hear of any new developments.

[TrueHeart]

Thats good that you have the support of your friends. Thats important. Its just a phrase I heard once when I was longing for my fiancee many years ago when we broke it off mutually. Being in love with how someone WAS vs. how they ARE throws things into a BIG perspective... Helps you mentally see what your heart will not let you feel.

 

I look forward to hearing any new updates on your situation... Feel free to drop a line anytime.. Hang in there, you're doing GREAT!