What do you make of this?

[number1]

I'm hoping some of you peeps have some opinions on this.

 

Just found out why my ex broke up with me. In me she sees this amazing person who is laid back, hasn't got a worry in the world and has his life sorted, succesfull and is happy as happy can be. Condfident, funny, solid as a rock. She more or less thinks she isn't good enough for me , that she would hold me back and be a negative influence on me. So breaking up she thinks is the only fair thing to do for me.

 

She hasn't told me this and doesn't know that I know. She told this to her brother who she swore to secrecy. Obviously I can't let her know that I know, but meeting up with her in two weeks time. We have been more or less in NC for a couple of months

 

I'm sad (for her) she thinks like that. Is there anything I can do as I think she is an amazing person and would love to be back together again? I think I know the answer and that is 'no'. But I thought I would ask some opinions. I guess I have to stick the old saying 'plan for the worst, hope for the best'.

[LDRohnos]

Of course there is. She just has self-esteem issues. I'm not downplaying that at all though it's a big big issue.

 

Just tell her what you truly feel and that you're there for her if she wants to talk about it. It could just very well be that she just doesn't believe that someone as put together as yourself would love such a train wreck of person such as herself (I'm using her point of view).

 

Bottom line is though you cannot force someone to do anything they do not want to change for themselves. If she feels this way there's a strong possibility that she'll need time to sort out her own problems before she'll have any response to you. There's also a possibility that she thinks that she'll only get hurt by engaging in a relationship with you because eventually you'll realize what a train wreck she envisions herself to be and will break up with her....she's just avoiding that pain by not starting a relationship with you at all.

 

Basically it just comes down to a lack of self-esteem on her part.

[CrapAtNC]

Try exposing some of your own weaknesses when the opportunity presents itself. It really brings a woman closer when the man she likes confides in her and shows a different side to his character. Imperfections are what make us attractive.

[number1]

There's also a possibility that she thinks that she'll only get hurt by engaging in a relationship with you because eventually you'll realize what a train wreck she envisions herself to be and will break up with her....she's just avoiding that pain by not starting a relationship with you at all.

 

Well I hadn't mentioned it, but when we first started going out back in January she did say to me to be gentle and not break her heart and hurt her. And I made sure I didn't but obviously we got to a point where she realised things were going v well and that must have scared her. I know she has had issues in her past, but I told her I don't need to know what unless she is ready to tell me and no sooner.

[LDRohnos]

Truthfully, she probably likes you a whole lot and that scares her more than anything. It just sounds like this girl needs time for herself to sort these vulnerability problems out and until then she's going to act like a deer in headlights to any relationship.

 

The only thing you can do for her is tell her that you truly do care for her and that you're open to talking whenever she feels she's ready to.

 

It's a tricky situation because you also need to move on at some point. I would decide how much time you're willing to dedicate to this girl because it very well could be she may need years to sort this stuff out in her head, you don't want to end up neglecting your own life by not moving on for yourself.

[waveseer]

From my perspective this is a case where you have to either commit yourself to this relationship wholeheartedly or bow out gracefully as soon as possible. She is feeling vulnerable and is afraid that you will lead her on and then break up with her when she's truly yours. My advice is to get in or get out but not waffle, it will only hurt her more than she's already been hurt in the past.

[LDRohnos]

Be happy that at least she's being honest with you. Some people actually go into relationships with this fear and never truly open up with their partner about these issues, instead they just keep themselves distant. Eventually both partners get hurt and in the end nobody wins.

[30yrold]

She wasn't honest with him, her brother told him her secret. I am facing a similar situation, but my ex is even less aware of her insecurities than the OPs.

[number1]

Thanks for the advice so far. much appreciate it. We randomly bumped into each other earlier this week and she seemed really happy to see me. We had been pretty much in NC since the break. For one, I also needed to get my thoughts together as it hit me hard. We are catching up for coffee in a couple of days time as I've just come back from a 4 week holiday trip and she wants to hear all about it. This would be the first proper meet since our break up at the start of July. I wonder if I should tell her how I truly feel at some point during the meet up or leave it for next time.

 

I would love to tell her I how truly feel, but I am also worried as wouldn't want to scare her and push her further away. I guess we aren't together, so I have nothing to loose by telling that I have never met a women who I have ever cared about as much as I have done for her (don't dare use the 'L' word)

[number1]

Just an update here. Well we had a fun time catching up over coffee. I did most of the talking as I had just been on a fantastic holiday and she hadn't done much lately and thus had a lot less to say. Getting along was like the old days and lots of laughter. She said she really enjoyed hearing my stories tonight.

 

Whilst I have accepted that with breakups the most likely outcome is that we won't get back together, this meet up confirmed I am not over her and still crazy for her. Don't get me wrong, when I am around her I am my normal cheery self.

 

Saying goodnight and parting our ways is when I felt the pain. I didn't have the guts to bring anything up and she didn't mention anything either. I know she wouldn't/wil not bring up the past as she has a lot of pride (and she is a little bit stubborn

I also had the feeling that bringing up such a topic in a coffeeshop in a public place felt wrong.

 

So I have no idea how she is feeling about me now and not sure what to do from here. I am really tempted to write a letter what I truly feel for her and that if she ever feels ready to let me know, but that in the mean time I need to move on with my life. Or tell her this face to face next time I see her (no idea when that would be).

 

Penny for your thoughts?

[bish0p2004]

This is my opinion, but, I'm going to go say that, if she cared for you as much you care for her, you would know it through her own words and actions (after all, you guys were in a relationship). She may justify it in her mind (and to other people, such as her brother [what is your relationship with him like anyway?]) that it's because you are "too good for her," but if this were true, and she really believed that, she would be clinging to you and not letting you go.

 

Also, screw pride. She didn't bring it up the past because she didn't want to talk about it. If she wanted to be with you again, she would have talked about the relationship. That's why they say on here, "only when the dumper brings up the relationship, then you should discuss it;" and when they are considering a reconciliation, they will bring the past up.

 

In my opinion, she basically said to her brother, "number1 is a great guy; but, I'm just not attracted to him like that anymore. He deserves someone who will love him as much as he loves them."

[number1]

You make a lot of sense bishop. It just I have never been out with somebody who has got some serious past issues and not sure how they think.

 

Relationship with her brother is OK, but not super close or anything. He liked me a lot as I was her first relationship which wasn't with a wrong type of guy (both the words of him and also what my ex told me when we first started going out). Doesn't make it any easier that her mum and my dad are very good childhood friends.

 

I am really tempted to write her a letter. Not in the hope of a reconciliation, but more to get it out of my system, get some closure for myself and move on with my life.

[bish0p2004]

You make a lot of sense bishop. It just I have never been out with somebody who has got some serious past issues and not sure how they think.

 

Trying to figure out what they are thinking is the worst thing to do, because you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

 

From what you have written, it seems that she has an attraction for the "wrong" type of guy, or jerks/bad boy types. You can try and save her, but in my experience, you can't save people who don't want to be saved. Yes, she is insecure, and because of her insecurities, she will probably continue to be attracted to guys who treat her wrong and not guys who treat her right....like you.

 

Relationship with her brother is OK, but not super close or anything. He liked me a lot as I was her first relationship which wasn't with a wrong type of guy (both the words of him and also what my ex told me when we first started going out).

 

This is why she told him that she didn't deserve you. Because she knows he likes you and she would feel guilty if she told him that she actually likes those "wrong" type of guys, and not the great guys like yourself, because she knows this would disappoint him.

 

I am really tempted to write her a letter. Not in the hope of a reconciliation, but more to get it out of my system, get some closure for myself and move on with my life.

 

That's ultimately your decision if you choose to write her. I just wanted to give you a different perspective because everyone here is encouraging you to open up to her and express yourself, but this might not be the best idea considering what you wrote about her here.

 

I'm not saying that you can't save her; you might be able to and it would probably be the greatest thing in her life if it did happen...but, in my experience, this is not usually the case.

 

Is she young? If she is young, then usually (not always, but more often than not and in my experience) women like this (with the personality you described) don't want to settle down with a good guy, who will treat her right, until they're in their 30's or older.

[number1]

Yup she is younger. She is 24 whereas I am 28. I did notice that whilst we were both laughing and having fun that she isn't totally comfortable with herself. Not as much compared to 4-5 momths ago. That is at least the vibe I am getting. So no matter what she feels (or doesn't feel), it just isn't the right time I guess. I don't want to get back together just to 'save' her. ultimately the most important thing for me is that she can be happy (wether that is with or without me)

 

I'm going to enjoy the weekend and let my emotions settle down and clear my head before/if doing anything. Right now I might indeed do something I regret.

[stu1973]

I'm strongly in favour of writing a letter to let them know how you feel, especially if you didn't communicate this fully during the relationship, and you feel you have things ( positive things! ) to get off your chest. It does give you closure in a way, regardless of the outcome, as at least you gave it your best shot, nailed your colours to the mast, and let them make the ultimate decision with all the facts laid out in front of them.

 

I did it, the outcome wasn't quite what I hoped, but I'd still be tormented if I hadn't done so. It was definitely one of the better decisions I made over the course of the whole sorry episode. See my story here.

 

=

[number1]

Emotions have settled now after a weekend. I am not going to write a letter. Lets put it this way. We met up I had way much to tell her about what has been happening in my life (promotion, holiday etc). She liked hearing my stories and made her laugh a couple of times. Not much has been happening for her lately she said.

 

I have held my head high, gave the impression things are going well in life (and they are when you put is in perspective besides being dumped!). I have come accross as a strong person and I think anything else I would do (such as writing a letter) would only weaken that perspective. Ball in 100% in her court now and she will have to bring up the past when (or if) she is ready. I will be focusing on myself again.

[bish0p2004]

I think you're making a good judgment call here. Writing a letter is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just usually that part of you that will expect something back. Only when you can do it with truly no expectations, or you really don't care about the outcome, is it even worth considering. Otherwise, it's pretty much pointless because your only ever going to get closure from yourself.

[number1]

So, just thought I would post here and get things off my chest. No reconcilation story here, but slowly moving on. Am I over her? Most defintely not, but I have made no attempt to contact her. She is still a friend on facebook, but I don't look up her profile. She has made comments on a couple of my facebook status updates, but I have not responded to them. I randomly bumped into her house mate last week on a night out and I didn't bring up my ex. She did bring it up and mentioned that she can't understand/baffled why my ex broke up with me. I told her this wasn't really the place to talk about it and changed the topic of conversation.

 

This last month a lot has happened. I decided a way to perhaps move on was to start dating again. I haven't really put much effort into things, but seem to be having results. Hooked up with one girl who wat technically broken up with her bfriend for one day, but this was an alcohol fuelled instance. And at the moment dating two girls. I feel totally indifferent about both of them, but have fun when dating either of them. They don't know about each other, but this is still early stages dating wise. I am normally not like that, dating multiple people at the same time. At the moment I don't want a serious relationship as I know I am not over my ex, but still want to get over her and have some fun at the same time. It is kind of odd as I did make the conscious decision to start dating again, but haven't really been trying but getting more success them ever.

 

not sure what I am doing is the right thing and I am still very very confused / heartbroken. But f*** it, it is all about me for the time being. And it feels nice having two people who are into me and being chased by them for once, instead of me doing the chasing.