A Breakup I Now Understand

[Alec]

I met this girl about a year ago. She moved into my school and had a boyfriend. I stayed on the outside for about 8 months til about four months ago when her last boyfriend cheated on her. I became a friend to her, helped her out, and eventually asked her out on a date. We hit it off at first but the relationship was unusual. It was mainly my fault, the first two weeks I didn't do minor stuff like hold her hand at class, I wasn't really a boyfriend just a friend. The last two weeks I made the change, I became a boyfriend to her like I should be and she a girlfriend to me. Well those last two weeks were kinda rocky, things were so so busy that she could hardly get time to spend with me, though anytime she had she did, I knew it frustrated her but I told her constantly that it was ok, that that was just life. The last few days she seemed on the outside ok but as I came to found out something went wrong, I don't know exactly what, but she started to feel like she didn't like me as a boyfriend anymore. She told me she was so confused with it because I was everything she ever wanted, didn't do anything wrong, and that I was perfect, she didn't understand why she didn't like me anymore. So she broke up with me.

 

Anyways, 4 weeks later after 2 weeks of trying to be friends and 2 weeks of no contact I saw her at the movies with another guy sitting 4 seats down from me. I tried to throw up in the bathroom a few times and the next day I eventually called her and asked if he was her boyfriend. She said yes, that he had been for the past week. I basically blew up, everything I had bottled in inside me I just let it go. I yelled, I cried, she yelled, she cried it was horrible for us to be doing this after all we've been through. She eventually blew up on me and just started screaming something like this,

"I've had a horrible last 2 days, nothing I do is ever right, I came home from that movie friday night and got the crap beat out of me by my step-dad for (she skipped it), and now your calling me yelling at me. Nothing I ever do is right, not with you, not with Sean (her ex-boyfriend), not with my parents. I am SO sorry [my name] I honestly never meant to hurt you, now I've screwed everything up. I'm a horrible person [my name] I don't blame you for being mad at me, or being angry with me."

I told her that it was mainly all my fault, to which she replied it wasn't. I told her that i loved her, and she replied she didn't know how I could possibly be saying that. I then did a one way conversation as a friend telling her to look at her life, she hasn't screwed everything up yet, that she really shouldn't have a boyfriend right now it's not fair to her nor for this new guy, and that why does she want me to hate her, I never want to hate her.

 

I'm so angry, so confused, yet so sad. I understand that we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend i'm not trying to get her back or anything. THe advice i'm looking for is:

I want to be her friend, something I told her when we started dating I never wanted to lose. I feel so awful that all the phone conversations we've had since she broke up w/ith me have involved her crying or me crying and her feeling guilty. I don't want that anymore, I want her to know that I still love her, but that I don't have to date her, that she can date other people I just want to be a best friend to her like I should've been all along. I love who she is as a person, I hate what she is going through in life (dad left her, strained relations with mom/step-dad, she misses her old life, she thinks she's ruined everything with me). How do I help her stop crying, stop hurting. I"m gonna move on in life of course but I don't want to abandon her as a good friend, it's the last thing I ever promised her the day before we broke up. That I would never abandon her like everyone else in her life has. Just what can I do, simply tell her I want to be her friend etc..?

[arkangel1]

well reading to your post i reckon that you like this girl so much and the best way that you can retain her as your friend is to call her tell her you would like to talk with her face to face then when you see her take her for a drink or a cup of tea then you tell her what you have in mind about her,then finalising the matter tell her that you are they for her incase of any help that your still there beside her. thats my only an advice

 

Good luck

[Alec]

She told me today that "When I called her the other day that it scared her like I was attacking her and that she doesn't want to have anything to do with someone like that." However, when I told her why I did it, that I was so sorry sorry for hurting her because the reason I called is I saw her at ht emovies with another guy and they had been dating for a wbeek, she promised me she wasn't looking for a boyfriend so I called her and asked if she has lied to me about everything, used me etc.. Anyways after i told her that she kinda calmed down and said she was sorry that all of this happened but it did. So i'll just kinda wing it on the outside and give her some time to calm down then casually try and be her friend again. She was like a best friend to me and was hanging out w/ith me, I brought her to my church and then she just up and abandoned me. For 2 weeks she acted like she still wantd to do stuff with me and the others but she never did and the final straw in that was when she passed up doing something with my friends I had told her about and went to the beach with 2 guys from summer school. So we went NC and now she's dating one of them. It's really ***ed up that she did all this crap. But it's not 100 percent her fault it's both a combination of her fault, life circumstances, internal problems, and me pushing her away a bit after those first two weeks. So we'll see how it goes over time.

[Miranona]

First of all, I think you want to be her "friend" because you want her close to you which is not a good idea. This girl obviously has issues and you cannot fight the demons in her head for her, she has to handle it herself. These are HER problems, not yours. I know you want to be a good person by trying to help her out but you can not lie to yourself and say that you are trying to be a "friend" because you KNOW that you have feelings for her. I think subconsciously you want the friends thing as a step #1 into gettin her to look at you differently and eventually having her as a gf. Honey, you cannot try to do good things for people who you expect to wake up one day and realize they are in love with you, it rarely happens. Even if you dont listen to me and help her anyway, when she's "healed" shes not gonna stay around with you...shes gonna show her "new" self to someone else (get what i mean?).

 

My advice to you is to lay off HER problems, lay off HER..let her deal with them. If she wants to have someone else as her boyfriend, then let her. You cannot act on your jealousy like that...trust me on this one. I suggest you just completely leave her alone. She has enough friends, i dont think she needs your help in dealing with her problems. (sorry to be so harsh).

I suggest you work on YOUR problems (i.e. jealousy.) If she is confused about something, then she doesnt know whats right infront of her.

Find someone else who doesnt need to be saved.

good luck.