How it is.

[bones]

My behaviour

Promised ex I'm sorting out the thingsthat made me practically unloveable

-stopped drinking

-admitted depression and ACTED on it.

-have been MUCH happier and nice too be arround MORE SMILING, more SILENCE (NOT AWKWARD)

-Made it 100% clear to her that I do NOT see her as 'a friend' because it was eating me up lying to her and myself about how i saw her

-stopped asking awkward questions and shouting at her when I didn't like the answers

 

We've not had a row for 5 days! sounds like nothing but for us that's pretty good. We've been out together alone and w/ friends and had FUN.

We've had a few intimateish moments and she seems a lot more comfortable w/ me touching her/hugging her than she was.

We slept together a few weeks ago but I made a big deal out of it and she said - It won't happen again cos you can't deal with 'just sex'.

 

Her behaviour

-Comes to my house most days after work for an hour or so

-Seems much more comfortable physically arround me than she was

-admitted it will hurt her if I move on

-say's does not want relationship w/ anyone

-invited me out w/ friends for first time in months and was really happy when I didn't drink and enjoyed myself (twice)

-keeps coming even though I am absolutely clearly stating I still have incredable affection for her

-will not commit to doing stuff in the future - e.g I say would you like too do x/y/z on fri

she says "maybe, I'll think about it" - sometimes does/sometimes doesn't

-sometimes calls without me asking her too.

-get's very angry if I pressure her.

-picks me up when we go out w/out me asking her too.

-feels bad about dumping me

My feelings

Actually enjoying my improvement in my self (sounds corny but...) I am concentrating on me and I feel good. I don't want slam the door on her and I am hoping that she can see I am overcoming my depression and drink related behaviour.

I suppose time will tell etc. I'm not ready to move on because I have strong feelings for her still. I'm trying to take it really easy, really slowly and not put pressure on her.

 

My analysis of her feelings!!! (how arrogant of me)

I think she does not want to be tied down because I've been horrible to her. She would be with me if it weren't for me becoming a monster. thereforeeee the love she had has gone. However she does not like the lack of freedom that being single brings (e.g it's harder to say, no I don't want to go out - because you end up staying in on your own) but does like the fact that she doesn't have to answer to anyone.

 

I'm trying to give without asking for anything in return - yet making it clear that I am attracted to her. Not to pressure her but to remind her that I do exist and that I am not a monster. I really am not trying to trick her and I think I've been as honest as it is possible.

I've made a long term plan of goals to sort my life out and she does help me.

Does this sound right?

[Mar]

*applauds* I think you're doing WONDERFULLY. The quitting drinking alone will make a huge difference, as you yourself have noticed! Yes, you may have damaged the relationship with the behavior you had while drinking.....BUT, you rectified it by quitting and by quitting the bad behavior. Bravoooo!

 

Okay, moving on....in what I read, if you're being at all accurate, and I think you are because you state the negative as well as the positive, I think you're doing a great job in honesty, integrity, personal growth, independence (not pushing her), etc. And I think she's appreciating these qualities, as well as the core of who you are that she loved in the first place, and is being cautious because of how the relationship went south the first time. But keep on doing what you're doing. No pressure, no whining, no coaxing, no "subtle" persuasion to try and pull her to your side (figuratively).....just keep on hanging out with her, and let her call the shots for a bit, unless you really don't like what she's proposing. You ARE entitled to your own opinion, after all!!

 

Give her time. That'll be the most frustrating point for you, because you want more and it's a "one step forward, two steps back" situation. This is why, if you want her back, you have to let her call most of the shots. Show her that you like who you are, you're confident in who you are, and you feel better about yourself. Which isn't hard.....that comes through in your post! If she loves you as she did, her wanting to be with you will only become stronger, and I see a happy future ahead!

 

Mar