Any tips to keeping a positive attitude?

[sonicfan287]

Hi,

 

I just have to say that already this forum has been a big help. Ive been honored to receive so much constructive advice from everyone here and I hope that Ive been able to do the same, when able.

 

Basically Ive been a wreck for 2 months, it's almost like the last 2 months didn't happen because I can barely remember. The nature of my breakup makes no sense (in my opinion) so I'm trying to figure out how to get back on my feet.

 

The point of this post is that I need to work on myself. I've been trying to be objective since the relationship ended and come up with reasons why it wasn't working out and things that I could've done differently. Not as a way to beat myself up but as a way to constructively change myself for the future. The problem is, I find it so difficult to change when I keep thinking negatively. I keep having the same thoughts of:

 

Why bother? Shes never gonna want you back

No matter what you do, you won't be any more attractive to anyone

The fact that you even care so much what she thinks or what anyone thinks just makes you weak, which is why you don't make more friends

Youve said you were gonna change so many times before and it never happened

 

And on and on and on, and it's really annoying. I need to work on my appearance, my attitude, and work a lot harder on the things that matter (i.e school, career) I guess thats a pretty vague goal but its still important, because I dont believe Im a bad person or "undateable" but I do think certain aspects of my personality are unattractive and that's probably what turned my ex off, although she still wants to be friends so Im clearly not that horrible. I just dont know how to combat these negative thoughts, they make it so hard to get anything done, and during this time when i basically feel insulted, confused, downtrodden and destroyed by my ex, who seems to be doing fine without me, I don't know how to deal with this or move forward. Usually she'd be the one helping me and giving me advice, and sometimes even then I wouldn't do so well, so I feel so lost now. I don't know why it's so important that I feel like someone is actively supporting me, but she did it so well, and now she's gone and probably supporting someone else just as well. Please help me...

[jimmajam]

The fact that you even care so much what she thinks or what anyone thinks just makes you weak, which is why you don't make more friends

 

Youve said you were gonna change so many times before and it never happened

 

I think those are actually good thoughts. They address some problems a lot of people have in their lives. You realize caring what she thinks is a problem. As much as you loved her, she left you and it doesn't really matter what she is doing or what she thinks of you. You are still you - with or without her. The second part should tell you that maybe you need to get out more and be more social. If that's something you want to change and would be a positive change go for it!

 

The second bit you're realizing that you have had thoughts of changing some things about yourself and your personality and attitude, but never follow through with it. Maybe now is the time, if you REALLY feel like changing for yourself. Don't do it for her or anyone else.

 

You don't need her to make changes in your life. Decide what you think is best for you and get working on it. You can find support in friends, family, co-workers, whoever.

 

As for staying positive, it's really hard to do after a breakup. Just realize that you were fine before you met them and there's a lot of life to live. There is a chance you both will change for the positive and work your ways back together. There is also a chance that you might find out you love being single. Lastly, you might find someone else when you're ready that has that great quality of support and maybe has something your ex lacked.

 

There are so many possibilities, so don't let yourself get stuck on one idea and one person.

[bwhite00]

Yeah check out a book called 'Feeling Good' by David Brown, M.D. It's cognitive therapy based and has helped me out immensely. Should be able to find it at any major bookstore in the psych section.

 

Best $10 you'll ever spend. It basically gives you daily exercises to rid yourself of your inner critic by identifying the negative thoughts as they occur and replacing them with healthy ones. Get it.

[sonicfan287]

Thank you for that idea, Im looking for any tools I can to improve myself and that's a good start as well. To elaborate more, I just want to be the kind of person that people can count on, to be there, to have answers to be able to help them. I'm appreciative of the support my friends have given me, but I feel pretty useless when one of them has a serious problem and all I can do is say cliches like "Im here for you" and crap like that because Im usually too depressed myself to do anything. Being positive is an attractive quality, it makes people want to get to know you and if people see that you have something that makes you different, they'll be drawn to you. If they see just another mopey guy walking around doing his thing, thats not attractive and it's probably what drove my ex away.

[tingkong]

Hi,

 

Why bother? Shes never gonna want you back

No matter what you do, you won't be any more attractive to anyone

The fact that you even care so much what she thinks or what anyone thinks just makes you weak, which is why you don't make more friends

Youve said you were gonna change so many times before and it never happened

 

QUOTE]

 

I'm at that point right now too and i'm doing a lot of new things but it feels empty right now or I'll just think, 'wow she would really enjoy this, or she would get a kick out of this.' Its like an emotional pergatory but trying is the only thing left to do.

[sonicfan287]

I know how you feel, but then I think, there's not really much of a choice. At least if I try theres a chance. If I don't try, theres no chance and Ill never know.

[tingkong]

What are you thinking about saying? I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't but what's your plan of action?

[sonicfan287]

Honestly, Ive got no plan at this point. I will someday but right now Im in no mental state to try anything. Ive made such a fool of myself in front of her already Im amazed she still stays in contact. I respond in a friendly way but its' going to be a long time before I see her again, and when i do I'm going to be a much more improved person with more confidence and happier than she remembers me ever being. I don't know if that works, but at the very least Ill be in a better place than I am now and that's my only goal at this point.

[tingkong]

I hope you find what you're looking for. You seem like you're a pretty awesome guy. I have the same mindset that you in that I need to really better myself but if she left you when you weren't as good and didn't believe in your potential why does she deserve to be with the better person that you're going to work so hard on alone?

 

I'm a pretty big mess right now myself so i don't know if thats how i feel or if its regurgatated information but I think thats what i think....

[sonicfan287]

I hope you find what you're looking for. You seem like you're a pretty awesome guy. I have the same mindset that you in that I need to really better myself but if she left you when you weren't as good and didn't believe in your potential why does she deserve to be with the better person that you're going to work so hard on alone?

 

I'm a pretty big mess right now myself so i don't know if thats how i feel or if its regurgatated information but I think thats what i think....

 

I know what youre saying, and part of my problem is that I have such low beliefs and standards in myself, thats part of why Im trying to change and you must be too, if youre on here. I believe if we feel better about ourselves then we wont feel such a desire to be with the same people, because we may be able to find better ones. Im in no ways dissing my ex, I still care for her very much and hope to keep her as a good friend but at this point in my life, Id like more than friendship with her and Im gonna try everything to get there. Sometimes I feel a lot of positive energy about it and then other times I feel like it's energy I could better use elsewhere. I don't know if you ever get sudden bouts of positivity followed by a crushing emotional blow, but that happens to me almost daily.

[tingkong]

I go through that positivity switch every day and I can't stand being negative and unhappy but it's out of my control right now. When I feel really good about myself I'm like man, she's gotta come back to this, i'm the bomb and then the low's hit and she's never coming back cause I'm a big jerk and no one loves me. I think its all about time and creating positive memories for yourself to rely on so we can remember the good stuff that we did for ourselves. Don't we say that they want to remind the ex of all the good times we had with them or atleast i do daily

[sonicfan287]

I feel the same way, especially since my ex wasn't the kind of person who formed long relationships with people. Her longest relationship before me was a month and we were together for 6 months. She told me so many personal things she wouldnt tell anyone else and for a while, I was the only one she'd talk to about these kind of things. We saw each other several times and she's usually the one who initiated it, so I don't get why she ended it and I dont get how she can just be okay with this. I tell myself that someday she'll miss me and want to come back, especially if I improve myself. We worked as a couple before, it could work again, but then I think negatively that she's already convinced it cant work and thats why it wont

[tingkong]

I'm going through the same process but I don't think that there is anything thats wrong with us. I normally never over react to anything but my ex was very emotional and very up and down. Most things would never get to me but every day was a roller coaster and finally i lost my cool. I learned that you can't walk on eggshells during a relationship because you're just supressing feelings and eventually it comes out. I would tell this to her if she came back and there are ways to work through it but she didn't even want to try and won't forgive me for an outburst. Now we're left with the problem and they left us to figure it out. Right now we're working on ourselves and they think that there is nothing wrong about them.

[sonicfan287]

Well I think in any breakup, its important for both parties to evaluate themselves afterwards, where they went wrong, what could've been better, but also look at what went right and what you should take out of it. It's easy to be down on yourself after someone rejects you, but I try to remember that she "accepted" me for 6 months and take that part out of it. I must've done something right, and you mustve done something right to stay with her that long. Just because they leave doesnt mean theres something wrong with us, although I agree with your last point, that they wont admit fault in this. Theyll probably make the same mistakes in future relationships because they won't learn what screwed up their old ones. Thats unfortunate but hopefully we grow as people from this, and either get over these people (which seems harder than anything to do at this time) or find ways to get them back without being desperate about it (which seems like all I know how to do)

[tingkong]

Theyll probably make the same mistakes in future relationships because they won't learn what screwed up their old ones. Thats unfortunate but hopefully we grow as people from this, and either get over these people (which seems harder than anything to do at this time) or find ways to get them back without being desperate about it (which seems like all I know how to do)

 

I totally agree but you still have some lines of communication open which can be a good thing or a bad thing in that if you do improve she would see it or it could hinder your moving on if she has already. I would be doing the exact same thing that you are doing so it sounds critical but really its just an admission of who I am as well.

[sonicfan287]

I totally agree but you still have some lines of communication open which can be a good thing or a bad thing in that if you do improve she would see it or it could hinder your moving on if she has already. I would be doing the exact same thing that you are doing so it sounds critical but really its just an admission of who I am as well.

 

Yeah I know, thats what Im confused about. Its going to take me a long time to get over this, and even longer if I keep talking to her, but in the meantime Im trying to work on other things. That benefits my chances but also may hurt me in the long run if I go through all that and she's still not into the idea of a relationship. On the other hand, if I cut off all contact from her then there's really no reason for either one of us to want to come back. Ive been weighing out the pros and cons in my mind for so long, eventually Ill have to make a decision but until then Im gonna keep not contacting her and only responding if she initiates

[tingkong]

Yeah I can understand that. I had a friend once whom I told i would go to a jimmy buffet concert but I had to cancel. He already bought the tickets and he didn't talk to me for 9 months. One day he called me up out of the blue and we watched some sports together. Who really know much about anything? Nine months of being angry at someone for jimmy buffet tix

[sonicfan287]

Yeah I can understand that. I had a friend once whom I told i would go to a jimmy buffet concert but I had to cancel. He already bought the tickets and he didn't talk to me for 9 months. One day he called me up out of the blue and we watched some sports together. Who really know much about anything? Nine months of being angry at someone for jimmy buffet tix

 

Wow that does seem excessive. I don't see her dropping out of contact for that long, but I could easily see her moving on in that sense. The only thing Im afraid of is her meeting someone else when she goes back to school in September. In fact part of me is even more afraid that shes excited to do just that, get on to something new in her life and be happy. If that doesnt' happen though, I'm probably going to make my move in January, by then I'll have had an entire semester to better myself and assuming she hasnt met anyone else by then (a big if) Im gonna give it another go.

[tingkong]

Do you go to school with her?

[sonicfan287]

No I dont, but we go to school in the same state. Itd be very easy to cut her off from my life if I had to, since I dont really have a reason to see her anymore

[tingkong]

Well we both know what you are going to do. I just hope that you don't get hurt anymore because this isn't fun at all and there is a solution even though its painful. Did you ever notice how many books there are on the beginning of relationships and how few there are on ending them.

[sonicfan287]

Well we both know what you are going to do. I just hope that you don't get hurt anymore because this isn't fun at all and there is a solution even though its painful. Did you ever notice how many books there are on the beginning of relationships and how few there are on ending them.

 

Actually Ive been looking at a ton of material on the end of relationships or how to save them, of course that's just because Im in this situation now. I didnt need anything when I started, although maybe I shouldve because I feel like Ive made too many mistakes to make up for at this point. As for my future, emotionally, Ill be fine until she gets someone else. Once she does that, Ive pretty much told myself I have no choice but to cut off all contact from her, no responding to her, no talking to her, no nothing. I couldnt take that pain but as long as she's single, Im going to keep being her friend and hoping for the best. Its a situation Ive been in before, with varying success, so we'll just have to see what happens. Its frustrating having no control though

[tingkong]

Yeah that's not a cool feeling at all, because we're not detached yet and they appear to be fairly quickly.

[TSandullo]

Hi,

 

Hi Sonicfan, welcome to ENA once again.

 

I just have to say that already this forum has been a big help. Ive been honored to receive so much constructive advice from everyone here and I hope that Ive been able to do the same, when able.

 

We are all here to support and advice one another. So thank you as well for your constructive input on these forums.

 

Basically Ive been a wreck for 2 months, it's almost like the last 2 months didn't happen because I can barely remember. The nature of my breakup makes no sense (in my opinion) so I'm trying to figure out how to get back on my feet.

 

I understand completely the feeling. The BU can often seem like a distant bad dream yet the repercussions of the events, and/or even the events leading upto the breakup can seriously knock someone sideways. The fact that you are taking active steps in sorting out yourself is admirable.

 

The point of this post is that I need to work on myself. I've been trying to be objective since the relationship ended and come up with reasons why it wasn't working out and things that I could've done differently.

 

This is good as you are systematically attempting to evaluate you actions (and perhaps inactivity) in your past relationship/s as a means of bettering yourself. I would suggest writing things down in a journal that you keep only to yourself. By writing down things, you have your problems before you in concrete text that is the first step to effectively dealin with it. This goes the same for emotions. Be warned however, that when you do discover things that you may have done wrong, don't waste time ruminating over the what ifs. What has happened has happened. Learn and move on, and try not to repeat past errors if possible. Also have compassion upon yourself for the good you did in the relationship. It takes two to tango and the flaws in a relationship are often 50-50, whether one wishes to admit it or not.

 

Not as a way to beat myself up but as a way to constructively change myself for the future.

 

Excellent. Attaboy!

 

The problem is, I find it so difficult to change when I keep thinking negatively. I keep having the same thoughts of:

 

Why bother? Shes never gonna want you back

Perhaps, but perhaps someone will want you in future. And you might want to remain with that somebody...

 

No matter what you do, you won't be any more attractive to anyone

Give yourself a couple of months buddy, perhaps less and you won't be saying this anymore...

 

The fact that you even care so much what she thinks or what anyone thinks just makes you weak, which is why you don't make more friends

You care because you love her. That is not weak. What is weak is when you compromise your own happiness for the happiness of others. A good balance must be struck and it takes two to understand that. Stick up for yourself, maintain your self respect and others will notice, admire and perhaps want to have a friend like you. Remember that you were once her boy-friend...it is easier to make many of the latter half of that word...

 

Youve said you were gonna change so many times before and it never happened

Well, hopefully a good kick up the rectal passage following a BU is enough motivation to get your act together...Create solid goals and actively pursue them, smashing through whatever obstacle comes in your way. You can do it.

 

And on and on and on, and it's really annoying.

This happens after a BU. Don't kick yourself, the negativity will wane in time, if you allow it to and don't cultivate it...

 

I need to work on my appearance, my attitude, and work a lot harder on the things that matter (i.e school, career) I guess thats a pretty vague goal but its still important

Vague because of how you've listed them, but strong goals nonetheless.

 

, because I dont believe Im a bad person or "undateable" but I do think certain aspects of my personality are unattractive and that's probably what turned my ex off, although she still wants to be friends so Im clearly not that horrible.

You could be horrible and attractive to your ex. Would that want you to hold back on your goals? If you feel that certain aspects on your character need work, then work on them. Perhaps you might even find someone who admires those traits let alone reattracting your ex. But above all, do it for you, because of the achievement and satisfaction you gain as a person from it.

 

I just dont know how to combat these negative thoughts, they make it so hard to get anything done, and during this time when i basically feel insulted, confused, downtrodden and destroyed by my ex, who seems to be doing fine without me, I don't know how to deal with this or move forward.

The first step is not to based your goals and motivations on the emotions and thoughts of your ex. Here is a brutal piece of advice to try out: This of her as dead. This way, your motivations for sorting out yourself is strictly for yourself and not her dead self who is no longer there to watch, judge etc. With time, the negative thoughts will wane and you will find yourself actively pursuing things and improvements for your own pleasure and not to attract your ex....which in turn is very attractive.

 

 

Usually she'd be the one helping me and giving me advice, and sometimes even then I wouldn't do so well, so I feel so lost now. I don't know why it's so important that I feel like someone is actively supporting me, but she did it so well, and now she's gone and probably supporting someone else just as well. Please help me...

Well, here we are at ENA to help you. You may have become overly dependant perhaps on your ex to help you etc Now work on yourself and work towards your golas without her and show her...but most importantly yourself that you can achieve everything.

 

Work on yourself my friend, regardless of whether the ex notices or not.

 

All the best my friend.

 

TS

[tingkong]

wow, that was a great post TS. Just made my day