Question for the ladies

[ToF]

I'm sorry, I know this is really hurting you

 

Yes, you do have some memories that would indicate he's interested. But that's it--he's just interested. His actions so far have not really shown anything other than a vague interest in a girl he's never met. This "he likes me but he's afraid to show it" stuff is crap. Sorry to be so harsh It's something people say all the time (seriously, take a good look through this forum), and it means nothing. You could be right, but after this long, and after you've so blatantly shown your interest in him, he has no reason to be holding back anything. ESPECIALLY since you've been planning a very expensive trip to see him.

 

Really, if you feel like you can't continue your life on this Earth without meeting him, then go for it. Personally, I think it would be a waste of your time and tons of your money. But maybe you would learn something in the process.

 

If you had a girlfriend in your shoes right now, saying the same things you're saying, what advice would you give her?

[lovebunny]

But he never said to me he is still too vulnerable to let someone in... however I've felt and thought that at times a lot. He said that to my alt avatar. The only thing hes told me is that he still does think of his ex at least a flash everyday.

[ToF]

But he never said to me he is still too vulnerable to let someone in... however I've felt and thought that at times a lot.

 

You felt that from someone whom you've never spent time with in person?

 

I don't really understand that point of that last post. I'm totally not trying to be rude, I just honestly don't know what you were trying to say. Maybe you could clarify?

[lovebunny]

You said the vulnerable talk is crap. He told my alt avatar he is not rushing with anyone and afraid to let anyone in. Are you saying that is just player talk?

[ToF]

No no no, not ALL vulnerable talk is crap. The specific statement you made is one that is used way too often, and I can't help but be very skeptical about it. I think it's a wishy-washy excuse for different problems.

 

He may very well be too afraid to let anyone in. But you said that he was afraid to show that he likes you. That's a big difference. To be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money to visit someone who felt either the former OR the latter.

[lovebunny]

He was MIA the past 2 days. His Skype button was green the entire time but whenever I called "no answer". It showed him come online the night before last (his Skype is green, but it still gives a message when he comes online for some reason.) I had been trying to reach him that night and he didnt say a word. I even tried his mobile but it was either off or dead the past 2 days.

 

Saw him log in this morning again a couple hours ago and he hasnt said a peep. Dont really feel like contacting him as he should be able to see I have been trying to reach him the past 2 days. I am scheduled to meet him in 8 days now. eyes:

 

Should I feel bothered? I mean its not like we've declared we are boyfriend/girlfriend.

[ToF]

I would be bothered. I don't know if that means you should be bothered, but yeah.

 

Still think this guy is worth it?

 

Don't talk to him. Just don't. Don't contact him, and if he contacts you, then talk for a bit then say you're busy and leave.

[lovebunny]

I am bothered. If I were to say something (as it appears he might be there).. what should I say? I have to leave for work in 15 minutes. I was thinking of just IMing "Are you still alive?"

 

I have to let my boss know about my trip definitively. I wanted to talk to UK guy last night to try to clear up my decision... not sure I'm in the mood and dont have much time now.

[ToF]

Sure, I guess you could say that and see what happens. It would be better if you didn't say anything.

 

What are you basing your decision about the trip on, exactly?

[lovebunny]

Why do you think it would have been better if I didnt say anything?

 

Not like us to go this long not talking. I just called him on Skype.. no answer. Then I called his mobile. He picked up and said he'd call me back in a few minutes.

 

Basing my decision on vibe with him.. plus I want to ask him why when I said I was not sure about coming because I was afraid I might fall in love with him he said "Dont come then". I also want to know if there is someone else in the picture... that he is really feeling strongly about in particular.

[ToF]

I don't know. Because he has been out of the picture for two days, and it just doesn't seem right for you to have to go chasing after him for some contact; some reassurance that you two are okay. ( I used to do this allllllll the time )

 

I guess you'll get your answers when he calls back. What if he says, "I'm not in love with you, and I don't want you to be in love with me. Yes, I have been dating other girls and I am still really into my ex."? Would you still go?

[lovebunny]

It bothers me more that he was missing 2 days (going on 3).. and appeared to come online a couple times and didnt say a thing to me. I asked him if he was home just now when I talked to him but he either didnt hear me before he hung up or ignored it.

 

If he tells me he has been dating someone and feeling strongly and really into her.. no I dont want to go. If he says hes still into his ex and going to try to get back with her... no I wont go. He did tell me since we've been talking he had a F-buddy.. but also told me a few months later he had stopped seeing her and didnt want to be going down that road anymore. Another thing bugging me is he was saying he got his confidence back a lot lately.. then he disappeared for 2 days.

 

So he said hed call me back in a few minutes... I havbe to leave for work soon. How long is too long for a few minutes? Its been about 20 now.

[lovebunny]

Just tried his mobile again and it said it was not possible to connect my call... but I think that is an International issue.

[ToF]

So based on your answers, you are going to see him in the hopes of dating him. He has been telling you NOT to do that, not to go if you feel you will fall in love with him, and not to go just because of him. That is not a man who is interested in dating you exclusively.

 

Think about it...what will happen after you go back home?

 

It's been too long. Turn your phone off.

[lovebunny]

Well seeing as I am getting a message that its not possible to connect.. he may have tried and been unabble to as well.

[penelope13]

I have been reading through your whole thread and get a very bad feeling on your situation: he doesn't sound like he is really excited to see you (he is 50/50), he claims you are on vacation there anyway and you will 'meet up'. If my LDR partner was coming to see ME, I would not call this 'being on vacation here' I would say "she is coming to visit me".

 

He manages to always say enough to keep you interested enough and continue with the conversation. If he is sitting home all day without anything else to do, I can imagine he is very bored and any kind of interaction or fake relationship is better than not having any kind of human contact.

 

however, you seem determined to close your eyes to any kind of rational advice since you want this to work.

 

All the things he is saying to you, sound very manipulative and passive aggressive to me. e.g" don't come if it is about money" - this seems to be a try for him to guilt you into making all the effort, because which woman wants to be blamed for not putting romance before finances.

 

If I was you (and you can't back out of the trip) I would make sure that I have maybe a friend available to me that knows about the situation that I could call any time when your fantasy comes crashing down.

 

Any decent person who is serious about making a LDR work would put in more effort to demonstrate seriousness. How can you respect a person who is expecting you to do everything and who is not even making an effort to improve his own situation?

 

The way he talked to your second avatar makes one thing clear: he doesn't consider himself off the market, he left the possibility open to get to know the second avatar as well: he might not be a player, but emotionally he is not committed to anyone at this point.

 

 

 

Someone who is excited about their new relationship, on or offline, would be ecstatic and tell friends and family about it.

 

I sincerely hope that you have not invested all of your hard earned money and that all your dreams will come crashing down when you finally meet him.

[ToF]

Doesn't matter. You've got other things to worry about.

 

EDIT: Please read, and listen to, what the above poster has written.

[lovebunny]

He says he is 50/50 about it because he doesnt want to get his hopes up. I asked him one day if he was excited and he said he would be excited when he gets a call from me that I am getting on the plane because he said he's been let down so many times in his life he dosent like to get his hopes up about things.

 

He does spend a lot of time on the computer, but he is conversing with others as well and does see friends and other women in real life occassionally.

 

He also mentioned the other day its too bad I'm not coming 3 days earlier because there is going to be a big annual festival where he lives. I have been bothered by some of his comments lately and lack of romanticism with me. I can only guess he's freaking as it beomes real or hes met someone else he's really digging lately.

 

The money comment did kind of bother me.. but why would he go to such lengths talking with me, arguing with me, convincing me to look for a trip 4 days longer etc... if he wasnt interested???

[penelope13]

He is just testing you how far you are willing to go without him having to do anything always with the bait: "if you do all of this for me, I might start giving something to you".

 

Again he is trying to make you feel guilty/sorry for him: "I have been so hurt by women, that I am now expecting a woman to do all the work to make up for all my past hurt and disappointment".

 

Yes maybe he was disappointed in the past. but that gives him no right to make you pay for all of that (emotionally and financially).

 

I also wouldn't respect someone who blames other people constantly for their own misery, who make themselves victims instead of saying: I was dealt with a challenge, but I will overcome this.

 

Of course he will get excited when you step on a plane, because it's a real ego boost, if some person that you have never met and that you have treated with crumbs is so infatuated with you that she will blow all caution to the wind and invest hard money into you just to see you. Doesn't have anything to do with love whatsoever.

 

Being cautious would be: meeting at a neutral place, where both of you have your individual room to retreat to if things go wrong, nevertheless being excited about the possibility of the relationship to develop. Being cautious is NOT making you do all the work.

 

We all have done stupid things for love, however I would recommend for you only to do this if you are emotionally and financially stable enough in case this trip turns out to be a total disaster. If you are sure you will be fine going over there and finding out he is not what you hoped for, but you are fine with it and you will not be devastated - then do it.

 

But don't go there with the expectation that he loves you, because everything he said and did points to the opposite direction.

[lovebunny]

He is just testing you how far you are willing to go without him having to do anything always with the bait: "if you do all of this for me, I might start giving something to you".

 

 

Why would he do that???

[penelope13]

His ego, to make himself feel better, just because he can ... I'm not even claiming that he is doing it consciously or maliciously.

 

But one thing is clear: he is unhappy and doesn't have the will/ energy to make a change in his life

[ToF]

lovemonkey,

 

Has your opinion on this guy and your situation changed at all? Even a little?

[lovebunny]

Yes I'm starting to feel very differently about it. Ive never had this kind of relationship... guess I got quite caught up in it.. or maybe the fantasy of it... or maybe he just knows how to talk.

[lovebunny]

You guys are going to be very upset with me I fear.. but I've decided to go see him.

 

I posted this in the cyber relationship section in response to some comments there:

 

Well like he said to my alt avatar... he is taking his time and not going to be pushed into anything with anyone. Matter of fact he all of a sudden the other night said "You said the other night you think I'm afraid of being in a relationship... but I'm not. I'm not even afraid of settling down... I am just afraid of picking the wrong person"

 

He has been better and better with me since I booked the trip and much more sensitive to me the past week even. He said he is going to get his haircut and going to clean out his car. He also told me he wants to scan and email his passport and drivers license to give to my friends and family when I told him they are kind of freaked about me going there. He said he wants me to feel safe while I'm there and will introduce me to his mom and sisters and even his kids.

 

He also got a job! He told me a few days ago the job he mentioned a few weeks ago he will start in Nov and do training soon until then.

 

I also said something last night about how I will never do a long-distance relationship ever again. He sounded really kind of sad and thought I meant I wouldnt come to see him ever again. He said "You're condemning it. Whos to say it wont last???" I said "No I mean outside of you... I wont ever intentionally look for or get involved in one"

 

He said he is counting down the days now and trying to fill his time as best he can because hes really excited about it. He also dedicated a song to me (my avatar) about waiting for my love while he was DJing in SL the other night.

 

I'm still going with a big grain of salt. I said to him last night I thought he could have gone on just talking with me indefinelty. He said he couldnt have taken it much longer either... but just wanted to wait until he had funds... but is still very happy we're going to meet sooner than later.

[irishgirl89]

No I wouldnt do it.. nothing good could come of that.. dont go into a relationship or try and pursue one when you have to try and "fix" things or help the person right off the bat.