Question for the ladies

[whes]

He said he doesnt want to tell anyone about it until he knows for sure I'm coming because he doesnt want to jinx it.

 

jinx what?? He doesn't even talk about you? He could tell them that you MIGHT be coming... It really sounds flaky and a half-baked excuse, and it also sounds that he really isn't all that excited. I'd tell the whole world if someone I loved was flying in to see me, even if I didn't know for sure.

[coastalgirl]

How old is he? How old are you?

Why is he living with his mother?

Why is he not actively looking for a job?

 

I would want the answers to these questions first before I did anything.

You said you are crazy about him but you have never met him so it's all fantasy at this point.

 

I'd slow down, get some answers. I don't think there is anything wrong with your paying to go see him the first time as you don't know him yet, that is in REAL life. Online is not REAL!

 

After that if finances are difficult for him due to a good reason than I'd split it 50/50 or he could come visit you on his dime.

 

My long distance guy (EX) paid all the time when I went there and he came here but he had the ability to.

 

If your online guy is having a difficult time at the moment financially that is reasonable, but if he is content to live with his Mother and not work, than that is a very large RED FLAG!

 

I know it's all so exciting in the beginning but it can turn bad so fast.

Be careful, take your time. If he is worth it a little more time won't hurt.

[ToF]

He said he doesnt want to tell anyone about it until he knows for sure I'm coming because he doesnt want to jinx it.

 

"Jinx" it?

 

This man is acting like a twelve year old. Seriously, that is an incredibly weak excuse coming from him. I'm sorry to say it. Not only is it very disrespectful of him to keep you a secret (which he IS), but he expects you to cough up the money to come see him anyway? How would mentioning to his close friends/family that a girl he's interested in is coming over "jinx" anything?

[lovebunny]

How old is he? How old are you?

Why is he living with his mother?

Why is he not actively looking for a job?

 

If your online guy is having a difficult time at the moment financially that is reasonable, but if he is content to live with his Mother and not work, than that is a very large RED FLAG!

 

We are in our late 30s. He is living with his mother because his very successful business he had for many years tanked (I've seen newspaper articles about it and it all corresponds to what he said about it). He's not looking for work because he is trying to reinvent himself and disocver the next thing to do... preferably his own business again. He said if he knew take out a loan and start doing it... but doesnt feel inspired/a spark of what to do.

[lovebunny]

"Jinx" it?

 

This man is acting like a twelve year old. Seriously, that is an incredibly weak excuse coming from him. I'm sorry to say it. Not only is it very disrespectful of him to keep you a secret (which he IS), but he expects you to cough up the money to come see him anyway? How would mentioning to his close friends/family that a girl he's interested in is coming over "jinx" anything?

 

I'm not sure why he feels that way... but he said he will tell people once I purchase my tickest.

[ToF]

I'm not sure why he feels that way... but he said he will tell people once I purchase my tickest.

 

So, you're okay with being a secret?

[lovebunny]

So, you're okay with being a secret?

 

He is looking into us staying at his sister's to check out the city... if we find we get a long and want to do that together. He also indicated about introducing me to his mother a few times.

[ToF]

He is looking into us staying at his sister's to check out the city... if we find we get a long and want to do that together. He also indicated about introducing me to his mother a few times.

 

Right. But right now he's hiding you, which is immature and selfish, considering what you have to go through to see him.

[ToF]

I just think that, considering everything else you've mentioned about him, this is another testament to his lack of maturity. Not wanting to "jinx" it is a very lame excuse. He should be treasuring a girl that is willing to go to such lengths just to meet him.

[lovebunny]

We had a fight again last night. He invited me into SL and we were getting along and laughing for about an hour. We were dancing in there and I asked “Do you want to go dancing with me in real life when I come?” “Sure why not?” he said. Another woman friend (avatar) showed up. He Imd me: “She is just here to help me with (something he does in SL that she does also). She was very friendly and said “have a good night you two”. Her profile does state she is taken/involved with someone and Ive gone to events with him that she has been at. He asked if I wanted to voice on Skype. I started getting a weird vibe right away though. He said "You're quiet" I said "I'm getting a weird vibe". "Why?" he said. I told him he still seems different to me since he was gone the 2 days and asked if he had seen or met someone while he was away. He got really annoyed with me and said "No and this has to stop. Its really doing my head in. Youre blowing hot and cold every other day. You can get a bad vibe all you want, but theres nothing wrong on my end". His phone rang (it was 3AM there) and he muted Skype for about 10 seconds (never known him to do that before). It rang again a lil while later and he left the room for about 20 seconds. When he got back I asked who was calling him so late. He said "I dont know because the phone died just as I went to see." I said "Why did you leave the room?" (he usually tells me when hes going outside the room). He said "I was talking to my mum" I said, "I thought she works 3rd shift every night?" He said "She didnt go to work today" and added his sister had come over too. He said he was really annoyed I was busting his balls. I said “Well wouldnt you be concerned if you were going to meet someone and thought there was maybe someone else in the picture already?” He said “I'd be 50/50 about it then.” Then he said “Listen.. dont do this for me... do it for yourself.” (he said that a few times) I wasnt sure what he meant at first... then I figured he meant dont come here just to see me.. come to see the country first and foremost.

 

Dont remember chronology of these comments but this are some of the other things that were said:

 

I told him I was afraid of falling in love with him and getting hurt. He said "Dont come then." I asked, “Are you afraid of getting hurt? “Isnt everyone?” he said

 

I said he didnt sound real excited that I was coming. He said "A person is going to come 1/2 way around the world to come see the place I live and I get to be involved in that. Of course I'm excited!" "OK.. I'm just looking for some reassurance like that like when you told me the other night you fancy the pants off me" "And I do!" he said, "I dont know what more I have to say to prove to you...."

 

I asked him why hes been smoking so much lately (he had said he was quitting when I first announced I was coming over there). “I dont know” he said.

 

I told him I had considered just the other day not talking to him anymore until my trip because I do think I'm sort of being neurotic about it lately.

 

He also said "To be honest... I feel like less of a person because I dont have the finances to help you pay for your trip"

 

 

 

He told me I need to chill out about everything. I thanked him for talking not hanging up on me (not that hes done that often but I really thought he was going to at one point) and told him I had to make a decision by tomorrow. Neither of us hung up the Skype and fell asleep that way.

[lovebunny]

He also said I go off on him like I'm his wife sometimes... "not that thats a bad thing" he said.

 

????

[ToF]

So how do you feel about all this now?

[lovebunny]

(see next post)

[lovebunny]

Still torn. I'm thinking its either meeting jitters because its becoming real... or he met someone when he was away those 2 days last week. If its the latter I really wish he would just level with me.

 

How does it sound to you?

 

BTW... to further answer this question from earlier: "How would your visit help him get back on his feet?" When I started talking to him.. I was dealing with some * * * * and he was really spurring me on to feeling better about myself and my life. He has been a muse for me a lot of the time... personally and musically as I am involved with music and he would love to be involved (moreso production whereas I'm a performer) and has a good ear and loves music. I know I have been very inspiring to him at times as well... and I feel if we met the exchange would be beneficial no matter what it led to... well used to feel that... not so much lately and I dont know why. I dont know if this thing has been fried... if it has I'm very sad because it went on too long.... or the fights....

[ToF]

Well there's always the possibility that he met someone else, unfortunately. Even if you lived together, that reality would still be there But since you have no evidence and he insists that he hasn't met anyone else, then you've got to work with what you have in front of you.

 

It does sound like he wants to see you, honestly. However, you are definitely more interested in him that he is in you. You are also more emotionally invested in your relationship with him. He keeps telling you that if you do come see him, it must be for you. I think he means that you can't spend all that money solely to meet someone and fall in love with them. You must be totally ready for the worst, and ready to enjoy yourself anyway.

 

Like I said, he's not as into you as you're into him.

 

 

 

It seems as though this has run its course.

[lovebunny]

Like I said, he's not as into you as you're into him.

 

Then why does he say things like "I fancy the pants off you"... and when I told him I would teach him how to really sing he said "you'll never be able to teach me" and added "tell you what... I'll let you get back on the plane once youve taught me how to sing".. and "I might kidnap you if you come here"

 

He said all these things with a lot of permagrin going on.

 

Also, this morning I IMd him and said "will you meet me in London if I go there?" He said "Id rather not.. I'd rather you come here. Why do you keep changing your mind?" I said "Well in part I was waiting to hear about your sister and only recently found out I have to go back home from the same airport" "I dont have the money to go there" he said " and gas is a lot more expensive here you have to remember too.. and food and parking more in London..". I said "You seemed fine about meeting me there when we talked a few weeks ago" He said "I thought I was going to have a job and be able to help you pay back then". I said I would go to where he is instead and he seemed a lot happier and we were back to normal talking music before I left for work this morning.

[lovebunny]

(sorrry... see above)

[ToF]

He SAID those things. I too could say something totally plausible (like, I'm thirty years old, live in New Jersey and work at a hair salon) but that doesn't make it true. In fact, that's a complete lie, but you would never know the difference. He can SAY how much he likes you, but his actions haven't backed that up. Plus, he's also SAID some other, not-so-nice things...

[lovebunny]

OK but the smile on his face appeared totally sincere. And what about the wife comment??

[ToF]

That was one incident. I understand that it meant a lot to you, but it's not wise to make your decisions and judgements based on one moment.

 

He meant that you get on his case and nag him. He said there was nothing wrong with that, in order to keep from making you feel bad about yourself. He didn't mean that the action was okay or desirable, or that he thought of you as his wife or significant other.

[lovebunny]

He meant that you get on his case and nag him. He said there was nothing wrong with that, in order to keep from making you feel bad about yourself.

 

??? That doesnt make sense to me. Why would he say its "OK" if it really bothers him and how does it make me not feel bad about myself?? He said it one other time in the past and was kind of shouting it from accross the room "Who do you think you are, my wife??" We were laughing but then I said "Are you really mad?" He laughed and said "No.. not at all".. again with a big cheeky grin. I read that as he kind of liked the idea of me being his wife. I was telling him to go make something to eat as he was complaining about being hungry for 2 hours.

[ToF]

It's really not a good idea to read into this. Yes, it was a weird thing to say, but you're interpreting it as him liking the idea of being married to you, which is dangerous. You still have not spent any time with him, and he has given you no commitment, no guarantees. I would let this one drop.

[lovebunny]

Ive spent hours (anywhere from 2-10) talking to him everyday for about 5 months now... and recently started camming. I've heard fomr numerous ppl here that they fell in love online in a couple months.

[ToF]

Right. I understand that. I met my current boyfriend online, so I really can relate to you on this one.

 

Do you feel like you're in love? Do you feel like HE'S in love?

[lovebunny]

At times I have felt incredibly in love with him... but I always remind myself it could all be different once we meet... I have been fighting it from day 1 actually. I've told him this. I have felt he is in love with me at times also and he did indicate he has or has felt close being in love with me also.

 

I just dont know what has happened recently. The awful fight we had about 2 weeks ago and a few since. We had gotten very intimate and I had almost gotten undressed on cam around that time. It was as though we were fighting because of the frustartaion of not being able to be toegther sometimes I think.