Need advice from women

[hurtin]

Can anyone shed some light on what goes through the mind of a 23-24-25 year-old girl after she has finished University? My girfriend and I had been dating for 2 1/2 years. We were very much in love. We travalled the world, were very affectionate and most importantly never really fought about anything. We had genuine respect for one another and shared the same ideas on our future (marriage, children etc). We even picked out a place and were planning to move in together in the fall. But as soon as she finishied school and we moved in together, I noticed that something was different about her. She still told me that she loved me...but soon later told me she was no longer 'in' love with me? She ended our very healthy relationship just like that! I havn't contacted her since the breakup (its only been a week). I am in no way angry at her, but I would really like an idea of what happened. I realize that I'm not perfect, but we seemed SO BLOODY HAPPY together that I cannot bring myself to believe that her feelings could change so quickly. Are there any women out there who have been through the same thing?

 

Thanks in advance

[lonelyandblue]

I am 25 and all I can say that might be going on is that when I turned 25 I feel like my hormones have turned up a notch, and I feel like letting all of my responsibilities go, and I just want to be wild and free. NOw I don't rationally want this(?) but there is this feeling inside that is just huge and wants to be crazy. Maybe she is experiencing some of the same things. Just something to consider.

[brokenpogostick]

wow, that's crazy. was she open with her feelings when you were together?

[hurtin]

wow, that's crazy. was she open with her feelings when you were together?

 

 

She didn't say anything beyond "I don't know if I'm still in love with you." What the ?????

[k33]

When I graduated from college I went into a major funk. I was freaked out. Sort of what am I doing? Ack real life??? Maybe she's just freaking out on you?

 

Do you still want to be with her? If so, give her a little space and wait for a bit. Once she sees that you are letting her be she may come around. It's a mystery.

[mahlina]

Hi Hurtin,

 

Maybe the 'moving in' part of the relationship helped her to realize what she does and doesn't want. Maybe living with each other day in and day out, helped her to realize if she truly felt as though this relaitonship is what she truly wanted. Whatever her reasons may be, I know that it's tough to 'heal' from a break-up. It's even harder when the relationship is 'healthy' and doesn't have a perfect reason for couples to part.

 

Maybe she felt this way a while ago, and couldn't really put her finger on what she felt. If she's feeling as though she's 'not in love' anymore, then that's a tough one. I see so many threads about people using certain ways to get a person to want them again, but those little tricks don't work. People can't use the NC rule to get their ex's to want them back. There's no magic spell to get anyone to want anyone. The chemistry's either there or it's not. If anything, if the ex might have the slightest hunch about using the No Contact as a way to get them back, then the ex might feel even more turned off. It would turn me off. I don't think that this is your case, but I surely hope that you don't resort to putting yourself into this trap. In that case, it's a waste of time. I've seen people sit around, and wait for their ex's, and in the end, they end up getting hurt, repeatedly over and over. I can say however, from a lady's perspective, often times, when we break up with someone, it's almost as if we've made up our minds. There's no going back.

 

I'm dedicated to my relationships. If I feel as though the relationship's gone too sour, or too boring, my reaons for breaking up with the person is because: 1.) I know that I've already given it enough time/chance to really progress. 2.) The little things just show that perhaps the person 'isn't the one.'

 

One thing's for sure though, I think that for some women, they tend to get into relationships as a way to find their 'potential.' I wouldn't want to be someone's girlfriend without having the slightest thought that he might be the one. Even then, even if we were to be in an exclusive relationship, that doesn't mean that he's actually the one. That's what dating's about. If the shoe doesn't fit, then it's healthy to realize the truth, and be real to ourselves and move on.

 

Hurtin, I sincerily feel for you. I know that her action was quite 'unexpected,' but if she told you that, and threw the 2 1/2 years of relationship with you, then try to focus on you. I think that it was sad in the part where she led you onto believing things, such as finding a house together, or picking out a spot where you guys want to build your lives together. I don't think that it was fair for her to say things, and lead you on like that. Maybe she felt guilty, and kept on playing her feelings off. But even then, it's still not fair for you, because that's more like playing mind games. However, I do see that she probably saw you as 'potential,' and the moving in part, just reinforced to her what she truly did or did not want. Hurtin, it's better to know now than later, right?

 

At least the truth came out now. Worst case scenario: the two of you do end up marrying, buying that house together, and then elope. That's such a headache/heartace to deal with. To build that 'dream life' together, and have things fall apart. I know how you feel though. One of my ex's, who was about 8 years older than me, used to say the same things too. We even drove around to different areas, and he'd say little things like, "Wouldn't it be nice if we lived here. Would you spend your life with me here? What if I started my practice? I thought it would be nice if I buy my own plaza, started up with my own office, and you can have a little office next door. That would be fun wouldn't it? " Plus he also brought me home to his mom, family & friends. His parents wanted to meet mine. He'd mention other things like, "We should make this our song, to play at our wedding. I can have my bestfriend dj." Like yours, our relationship was serious. I felt as though he kept on leading me on, selling me false hopes. I was in love, and the more he fed onto my emotions, the more I felt as tricked. We broke up not so long, after he graduated as well. Towards the end of the relationahip I felt like saying to him, "I'm sick of the fact that you tried selling me the dream life."

 

Do you see where I'm getting at? I think that both of our ex's did see potential in us, but somewhere along the line, the chemsitry wasn't the same anymore. Things just naturally dwindled from there. It's not their fault. It's natural that we feel 'hurt', because they gave us false hopes. That's why I can truly empathize with you. I don't think that they're bad people, but it's just not a match made in heaven. It wasn't meant to be. If it's not, then try to take these things as a grain of salt.

 

Try not to let break-ups get you down. I know that your wound is fresh. I know that one week isn't enough to truly 'heal,' and to gain persepctive of the situation. However, I commend you in the fact that you're seeking help, and it's only natural that you feel the way that you do. I think that for now, it's important to realize what's more important: 1.) You 2.) Your mind 3.) Your goals 4.) Your life

 

Try not to let this break-up consume you. Time will do the healing. Believe me. There's no shortcut. No way out of feeling the pain of a break-up. That's the price that we pay for loving someone, unfortunately. A life lived without pain, is not a life lived at all. Let this be a learning lesson. Pain is a part of love. Always keep in mind that she's not the only one that you will ever love. I have faith in the fact that you will find that 'special someone' again. It takes a lot of time and patience. There's tons of ladies out there. Try to keep your mind healthy. Focus on finding you, finding what's most important to you: your life, your goals. Don't let a heart-ache stop you from there. I truly hope that you will find strength to heal. Take Care. Mahlina

[Cecelius]

I think she was decent about it, which is rare among people these days. As far as you know, there was no cheating, no monkey climbing (people who don't let go of the last person till the next is in place).

 

It's not ideal but I think she did it with class.

 

I'd go quiet on her, take care of yourself and realize that maybe if she did ever come back, you wouldn't be able to be as close or trusting again. Find a bunch of new hot girls and have a great time.

[sweetione]

The same thing happened to me. Everything was good and then one day it was over. I still don't think i really understand why. But I got the same explanation that you did. My feelings are that I loved my ex 100%. And if that wasn't good enough well there really isn't anything else I can do except let them experience life without me.

 

My advice to you is to give her space and time. That is what everyone tells me and it is HARD! But if you don't you may push her further away.

[hurtin]

Ex is bringing some of my stuff over tomorrow. Its been 12 days since the breakup. I'm told I should politely thank her and not talk about anything relationshippy. I still care for her very much. Any advice?

 

Thanks

[hurtin]

Well, the 1rst visit with the ex has come and gone. I put on the bravest of faces and pretended as though nohing was bothering me (while inside I was screaming "Please reconsider!!"). We chatted for about 5 minutes while we exchanged our personal belongings. Before she left, I told her that no matter what happened, my respect for her will never change. Moreover, I also told her how much I cared about her well being and that if she ever wanted to talk, i'd be there...and if she didn't want to talk...than I would be fine with that also. She ended by saying that her family is devastated about the breakup and that they missed me very much. I replied by saying that I was flattered, but that if she wasn't in love with me, then I did not want to be in a romantic relationshop with her. Then she left. And here I am venting to anyone who chooses to listen.

[lostinlove88]

Dear Hurtin,

When I was that age, I wanted to wander, I certainly did not want to settle down. So my suggestion to you is to let her have some space. Treat her as a dear friend now and maybe you can restart your intimate relationship later. I should tell you that at least she is honest with you and my hat off to her for that. Instead of dwelling on what happened to your relationship, start meeting new people and learn to love again. Hard to do, easy to say but your dwelling over it will not bring her back. Good luck.

[hurtin]

Once again, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond to my messages.

 

Its been almost 3 weeks since she left me, and, I guess I'm starting to feel a little better. I found out today via a friend of a friend that my ex is still holidng true to her decision, and it would seem that her mind is made up. I guess I was expecting this. Honestly though, a part of me was wishing that she would be torn over if she had made the right decision (wishful thinking I know). She is visiting her parents this week (they were quite concerned when they heard of the breakup and wanted her to come home), and so, I don't think things are going to change when she returns.

 

On a different note, my ex-ex girlfriend who I havn't spoken to in ages is coming to my city to visit some relatives. She wants to get together for drinks when she's down. At first I was against it (I don't want my ex to think I immediately got over our relationship and started seeing someone else). Now, I think it would be a nice oppurtunity to meet up with an old friend. Above all, it will at the least take my mind off things. Any comments or suggestions? Is this normal behaviour on my part?

[lostinlove88]

Dear Hurtin,

Perfect opportunity to get your mind on someone else!!! I would have to say thumbs up for that...

And always remember, everything happens for a reason, okay? It's nothing wrong to catch up with an old friend, as a matter of fact it will really be good for your health... Good luck and keep us all posted, okay?

[hurtin]

Again, this is just me letting off some steam.

 

So its been almost 1 month since our breakup. We still havn't really talked since, and I still don't really know why she left me. However, all in all, I think I'm slowly beginning to heal......BUT WAIT!!

 

Tonight, my good friend (male) and I decided to hit the movies. He went in to reserve some seats while I got some candy. As I'm walking through the theatre looking for him, I see my ex and her family. I was completely stunned for about a second or two (seemed like an eternity). For some reason, I shook my ex's hand, then her mother and then extended my hand out to her father. Her father got up from his seat, pushed my hand away and hugged me like I'd never been hugged before. I think he actually came close to tears!! I then put on my brave face and asked how thier visit was going. Her father immediately replied

 

"It would be alot better if you were with us"

 

Fortunatly for me, the lights dimmed and I made my way to my seat (after I said farewell of course).

 

Then, about 15 minutes into the movie, her father got up and left the theatre. A couple minutes later, my ex and her mother left...and never returned.

 

Is this not odd behaviour?? Anyone feel like tackling this one??

 

Thanks

[OnTheMoor]

Holy Damn! The way you're handling this (without contacting her) is unbelievable. My hat is off to you.

 

I am in your situation except that I am 22. My ex and I graduated college together and about 1 month after she decided that she needed time and space to find out what she wants. I don't know what the hell happened, but it hurt like hell (and still hurts). It gives me strength to see how you're handling your situation.

 

Also, that must feel really good about the father doing that to you. Props to they way you're handling things, keep it up and you'll find a woman that will love you like you've never been loved before

[hurtin]

Thanks for the nice words onthemoor. I think the best way to approach a breakup is to always respect the other person. If they say they want space, well then respect their wishes and do just that. I'm slowly starting to realize that this breakup is not my fault. The problem is with my ex...that is, she feels that something isn't right, and she needs to sort things out on her own. Moreoever, I now also see that there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring her back. She knows who I am and what I have to offer. If she realizes that life without me isn't what she wants, then I am ready to discuss a potential "getting back together". If not, well, it sucks, but at least I won't get wrapped up in a one sided relationship.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is that I'd really like to get some thoughts on my little theatre story (see my last post). I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I somehow pushed my ex and her family away.

 

Any thoughts?

[OceanEyes]

I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I somehow pushed my ex and her family away.

 

Firstly, I am actually envious of how much your ex's family cared for you. It's pretty obvious that they miss having you around a lot. She must have a very tight family, and to have let you into their little circle, well that's just incredible. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and I still don't feel like his family has really warmed up to me yet.

 

Secondly, why should you feel bad about anything at this point? She broke up with you. Do you think you should have maintained contact with her family, even after the breakup? I'm sorry, but no matter how much I loved a guy's family in the past, that's definitely inappropriate at this time. Later on, when both you and her have a chance to put the pieces of your life back together, it could happen. You've been pushed away here, not them.

 

Now, the theatre scene. Here's what I think: her father got up and embraced you, almost as if you were his own. Then 15 minutes later, her family gets up and leaves the theatre. That is very strange. I think that her family probably gave her some grief about breaking up with you, and really believed that you were a totally amazing person - perfect for their little girl. It's obvious that her father really liked you, so it probably caused some friction with your ex because he most likely would be on her case constantly about her decision. And of course, her mom probably stuck by her decision, as women tend to do in supporting one another. They probably got up and left because of an inner family conflict. Don't feel bad about that, it's really not your fault.

 

I also want to add a bit about your original question: "what goes through the mind of a girl in her early/ mid twenties after completing university". Well I am probably that girl, but then again, I am not your girlfriend and I don't know either of you. Sometimes there really isn't an explanation to how our feelings can change, but they often do. It doesn't help the person who is still hanging onto hopes though.

 

When I was 20, I broke things off with my then-boyfriend of 3 years. I stayed with him for the last 6 months because I did love him, but there was no real chemistry left between us. Was this his fault? Absolutely not. I just got to a point of my life where I wanted to be completely free of any responsibilites - and although I loved him to death - I needed to experience things on my own.

 

Right now I am 24. I've been dating my boyfriend (who is 23) for over a year. I've been through 2 years of university, and he is still in school for another year and a bit. We are completely in love - but I too - may have to face the fact, that when our lives change in a couple of years, that our feelings for each other may change too. You can't predict these things.

 

I have some questions for you

 

1. What type of teenage years or early 20's did your ex have?

If your ex was mostly in long-term relationships throughout high school and with you during university, or if most of her concentration was on either school, sports, or other extra-curricular activities, then I am going to strongly assume that she never really had the time or opportunity to just go out and have fun doing exactly what she wanted. If she never went out on a lot of dates or just partied for a whole week, she may feel that's something she's missed out on. I certainly would!

 

2. Did she go straight from high school to university?

 

This is a big question actually. Of all of my girlfriends, the wildest ones now are the ones who went pretty much from graduating high school, straight into university for at least the next three years of their lives. This is pretty normal, and a lot of people just accept it, but I couldn't. I took a year off after high school, travelled around Europe, partied, met a lot of people and saw a lot of things I always dreamed about in my childhood. If she's spent a lifetime doing exactly what's been expected of her, she's obviously going to want some time to get CRAZY. I've messed up a lot of opportunities for a more responsible life, but I wouldn't change that for the world - I've been around the world, met some of the most interesting people, had enough sexual partners, and done some of the most outragous things you can imagine. Now I'm ready to calm down a bit. See what I'm saying?

 

3. Did she have other boyfriends and relationships before you?

 

If she's only ever been with you seriously, or not felt like she's had enough experience with her love life, she may feel restless.

 

There isn't any way that advice can bring her back, but it can help you to understand what happened. Understanding is a half-way to accepting. Also, Mahlina said something that I wanted to point out:

 

I see so many threads about people using certain ways to get a person to want them again, but those little tricks don't work. People can't use the NC rule to get their ex's to want them back. There's no magic spell to get anyone to want anyone. The chemistry's either there or it's not.

 

This is so unbelievably true. No contact may work when there is still love and desire between 2 people, in the way that it can make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn't sound like your situation. Try not to take too much of the propaganda you will see to heart. Read and form your own decisions about what might have happened - after all - you knew her best. It just sounds like your ex has spent too many years being tied into something; school, work, family, relationships, etc., and she's feeling like it's time for her. I've been there, I understand how she feels.

[hurtin]

I emailed my ex a couple days ago. I know, breaching NC is not good when the person asks for space. Its just that I have this gut feeling that she is going through some sort of mini-meltdown. On top of that, it would seem that her parents may be putting alot of pressure on her. So, I thought I'd send her a very light & funny email. I mostly talked about my news, but ended the email by telling her that above all, I am her friend and that nothing in the world could change that. Her reply was more or less the same thing. She talked about what was new with her, but also apologized about the other day at the theatre (see my previous post). She said that her parents love me very much and that this has been hard on them. Lastly, she said it was comforting to know she has me as a friend.

 

It was so great to hear from her. I had to physically pull myself away from my computer so I wouldn't immediately reply. You know, I still have so many questions as to why she dumped me. I never really got a reason, and I wish I could sit her down and ask her why she made this decision. However, like I said, I think she is just so confused right now that I don't want to put the added pressure of dealing with an ex boyfriend on her. So, I guess my question is, when should I contact her? I don't want her to think that I've completely forgotten about her, but I also don't want to rush her. Any suggestions?

[hurtin]

Well, its been a month and 1 day since I initially posted my situation. I've had the strangest last couple days and would like to share it with you guys.

 

Yesterday, I called my girlfriend (she was expecting it) to schedual a time when I could come by and pick up the rest of my things. I'm not sure how, but somehow during the converstation we started to talk about things. It was a very calm and relaxed chat. She told me the breakup had nothing to do with me. She said she missed me and that she hadn't a clue as to what the future held for us. Lastly, she said that she honestly hadn't had the time to fully process the breakup yet (her family has been around her constantly since the breakup). All in all, she sounded very confident and articulate..the sign of someone who has made up their mind (or convinced themselves that they were right).

 

Anyway, I went over the next day to get my stuff. Not a word was said as I got my things. As I was about to leave, she smiled at me and asked for a hug. But, to me, it looked like she wanted a "nice to see you again friend" hug. I was so furious!! Throughout the breakup, it has always seemed like my being out of her life didn't fizz on her the least. This may have been the boiling point for myself, for asI hugged her, I whispered in her ear:

 

"As much as I want to be with you, I need to let you know I'm letting you go. If you want me back in your life, YOU must come to me. If not, don't".

 

Her eyes began to swell, I told her to say hi to her family for me, and I walked out.

 

So how do I feel today? Well, I'm still very sad, but am proud of what I said, because it was the truth. If she wants to talk reconcilliation, great. But if not, I want to be left alone. At this point, seeing her simply destroys me...so I let her know that I have no interest in talking about the weather with her.

 

I feel as though I've gotten the closure I wanted. I now fully treat this relationship as broken up. My ex-ex is visiting this week, and I am going to have a great time visiting with on old friend. I'm also moving into a new apartment with a new roomate. I think the change of scenery will help. The time for change is now, and I'm going to take full advantage of it.

 

Thanks for all your helpful comments,

Hurtin

[cheerfoce4655]

it is not a healthy relationship if you never fight,trust me i know from a relationship.things seemed so perfect,but then all came crashing down.and talking about children and getting married may have mad her feel rushed into making a very very choice a life changing one.

 

 

 

but hey, what do i know!