Money As An Issue In A Relationship...

[Slagar]

My girlfriend's parents are architects; they make a lot... she is an only child.

My dad is a teacher, my mum works at a supermarket, and there are 5 kids in our family.

 

My parents don't give me anything more than they have to moneywise... so I've been working as soon as I was legally allowed (my 15th birthday!) to have money for myself. I spend my own money, and everything I do and buy comes out of my own pocket. I am a uni student, with money problems, and my girlfriend understands this.

My girlfriend works too. The difference is her parents won't let her spend her own money... everything she does and spends and buys comes out of their pocket.

 

We spend a lot when we go out...

On her birthday, I felt I went WAY overboard...

On my birthday, she spent at least half again of what I spent on her, and she says she wasn't able to do all she would have liked to for me because she had no time. She says to wait until Christmas

 

Sometimes it's just overwhelming though... like their house and their cars and even the clothes she wears are far above my standards, and what I can afford. I even feel like I don't want to wear the majority of my clothes around her, simply because I feel they're not good enough.

Often I feel I just can't live up to those standards...

 

She says she loves me for me, and it doesn't matter, because she knows I have it harder than her financially... but it's just not like that if I am to retain any amount of my dignity. She does all these awesome things for my birthday, and her parents do too much for me... I just feel like a leech sometimes because I can't do as much for her as she does for me.

 

It's tearing me apart... I really love her, but part of me says I am not good enough for her, and that I just don't/won't/can't live up to the standards of her family, and their lifestyle.

 

How can I deal with this?

[piscesprincess]

I am in a similar situation except I am the gal (with wealthy family) & my b/f (5 years older) has to work full time to earn his money. Plus we are both in college (uni) & he pasy his full tuition while my aunt (legal guardian) pays for mine plus expenses. I worked for a few years when I was 18-22, then decided to focus on school & get good grades. I get an extra $1000 for getting on deans list.

 

I have always been given material things (even from my b/f) from people to show how much they love me. At the moment it feels great. I live in NYC, so people are very wealthy (in ceratin areas) it makes other people jealous & treat you nasty. Money cannot buy love ( as corny as it sounds) or friendships.

 

I think when you can appreciate the simpler things that mother nature has to offer (things that are for free), then you are richer than anyone (no matter how much money they have.

 

If she care about you, don't sweat it. My b/f had (& still has to some degree) the same insecurities that you feel. I have been with wealthy men, but never felt the same love.

[sisterlynch]

I think that you need to thank your girlfriend and her parents for all that they are doing and just be ok with it. It isn't hurting you to live up to a higher standard, you need to have a little more courage and capability to make something of yourself, I even think that you need to now think more creatively, outside the box.

 

Here are two architects with a daughter, they never had a son. So here you come along and they want to give you all the things that they can afford to show that you are worth something to them and to the world.

 

It sounds as if the girl is a little spoiled, but a little of a bad thing is generally considered normal. She hasn't had to work too hard yet, but she will in the future, I am sure of that.

 

Learn to show your appreciation in other ways. You can't give to them the way that they can give to you, so just wait for the opportunity to help them with things that you are good at.

[486dx4]

I agree with piscesprincess in that if she does care about you don't sweat it. I live in the NYC metro area myself and I am not all that wealthy compared to others out there (I do ok...). An important thing is that if you do happen to get real serious in the relationship is that there is some "realism" in things where if you two do happen to live together or even get married is that your view on finances/debt are on the same level. My ex-gf who dumped me many months ago kind of lived and still lives in a world where there was an expectation that she would be provided for (she is in her late 20's pushing 30). Right now its her parents who are doing this at a lifestyle/standard much better than mine but if things did get serious then the provider would be me - which I think I would be unable to do at the level she wants (having children and staying at home and keeping the standard of living she is used to - I could not afford it without help). She was a fun person to be around with and I still care about her very much but in the end money issues I think would have brought me down hard. But I was dumped so that was that...

 

It seems though that your gf may not have this "expectation" as I call it so just enjoy what you have and be yourself. Like piscesprincess said before the simple things sometines are the most valuable.

[Mun]

Hi Slagar, I think that as long as you and your gf care for each other you can make it. Don't worry too much about the money difference, but give her what you can afford to give her. As long as you know that you are caring for her the best you can then your dignity is intact.

 

Her family knows your situation and accepts it. You're very lucky.

[Slagar]

Hmmm... wow... thanks SO much for the GREAT replies everyone!

 

Also, the money doesn't affect her. She isn't one of those "rich b!tch" types I mean... she was a bit when she was younger, but she has gone through some very tough times in her life, which have changed that completely. She is a very nice, sweet, kind, lovely girl, and she makes me very happy.

And although she has it easy moneywise, she still works very hard at work and in school... and she knows that things won't always be like that.

 

But you are right... she does love me for who I am. I only have to take one look at her to see it...

I shouldn't let these things get to me like that... when I know we really love eachother, and she isn't like that. It's just, difficult sometimes I guess.

 

Edit Oh also, she didn't just spend on my birthday... she personalised everything (like omg, the card!! and made it a VERY special day for me

 

The thing that triggered it at the moment: she is in Sydney for about 8 days, and her mum gave her a lot of spending money. It just hit a nerve... as I have never been overseas but have wanted to since I was a little kid, and she has been txting me telling me how great it all is (because she had never been overseas either).

 

Thankyou all for your great replies. They are all very helpful

You've all just made my day, and brightened my mood considerably. I am going to bookmark this thread, and whenever I start having doubts about that, I'll have a read.

Thankyou all!