Does my boyfriend still have feelings for his ex?

[big10]

My boyfriend wrote a song for a girl he fell in love with and named it after her.

It was all 3 years ago. As his current girlfriend I didn't feel very comfortable with him playing the song with words that express his love to her. But he said it didn't mean that anymore and when he sings it he thinks of me. So I sing it with him. He said as a musician he wanted me to sing it on his record too.

 

One day he invited me out in a club where she, his ex girlfriend works. I saw her there before when she run to give him a big hug. He said he would like to see her now, so her and I could both sing that song about her on his album!

I felt insulted and I felt he lied how he didn't have feelings for her anymore playing that nostalgic song and praising her in it.

 

I wonder, does he love me and not her, for sure? They were together 3 years ago, just before I met him, and she cheated on her boyfriend then to be with him.

When I confronted my boyfriend about this, and said I didn't want to go to the club if it was about her. He didn't want to talk to me and just left there without me! He's not contacting me, is this about the guilt trip?

I wasn't being rude or jealous, i felt disrespected. I've already heard too much about his ex and now this.

 

I'm thinking about breaking up because he must think I'm a jealous psycho while I'm insecure thanks to him. He made me feel like I was just some other girl and he's not concerned about my feelings about this.

 

What should I do and what is he trying to do with it?

[Cadence44]

I would not break up with him without having a conversation about it. You mention a confrontation, which is not the productive way of resolving issues in relationships.

 

Talk to him about it when you are both calm. Tell him why it bothers you, and do it in a way where you are not making accusations. Give him a chance to come to a compromise with you.

 

If this works and you feel better, great! If not, and it isn't resolved in a way that is satisfactory to you, you should feel free to break up with him.

[AndiD]

Well, I'm not a good one to give advice on confrontations, so Cadence is definitely wiser than I am on that one. But for the rest - if a guy wrote a song for his ex and then wanted to transfer it to me, and then suggested I sing it with the ex...let's just say "confrontation" would be way, way, way nicer than my reaction to such a thing.

[vertigoxo]

Wow. That's really weird.

 

How long have they been together? Why did they break up? Who dumped who? Was it an amicable break up, or a bad one? Was it some "first love" ordeal where they lost their virginities to each other or something? Did they gave each other space after the break up, or did they became friends almost immediately afterward?

[big10]

yeah i know, i don't know what to think.

they have been together for a few months i guess, she had a boyfriend of some kind. so she dumped him. i know he fell for her hard though she wasn't his first. he tried to continue friendship but she didn't care as much as him. 3 years since then he still has her in his mind obviously. she pops out now when i finally though it was over for good.

 

i wasn't looking for confrontation to piss my boyfriend off, i just need to know where he stands with me. i asked about her and he run away from me, he looked really strange.

[Nidania]

Maybe he wants you to meet this ex of his and see if you two hit it off... then he can have both of you.

 

Who knows.

 

Personally, I think if a guy writes a song about an ex-girlfriend, that's one thing. But if he writes a song about an ex-girlfriend, and then wants his current girlfriend and his ex-girlfriend to sing it as a duet.... that's when I hit the road running.

[jessica911]

that is a BIG no no for me. i would not sing a song that relates with the ex life in it.

 

you should talk to him about it, and if you still feel unconfortable then leave. why stay and get mad and all that cr$p

[Lucidity]

I write poems for my lady all the time, but I would NEVER try and pass off a poem written for one woman as "all of a sudden written for someone else". 1st and most definitely a red flag.

 

Second red flag is that he continously wants to go to this place where his ex works.

 

Third red flag is him leaving you alone like that after you tried to talk to him about how you felt. Leaving someone you supposedly care about like that is a big deal breaker in that it doesnt promote feelings of security. Jealously is not the word I would use to describe how you feel about this. You were seriously disrespected by what he did, and you have a right to feel slighted/upset.

 

He definitely has issues with his ex that he needs to deal with. Give him as much time as you are comfortable with giving him to see if he can come to terms with his feelings about you versus her. Personally, I could never tolerate my SO just up and walking out on me like that, but that's just me.

[big10]

So he lied. It's a song for her, it's always gonna be for her. He lied it didn't mean that. He had have feelings for his ex for 3 years while being with me? I feel I've been emotionally cheated. He promised me so many things I wanted and one day he said the real truth.

I can't even describe how I feel. I'm afraid I'm gonna become so depressed.

[Staple]

You know, feelings for his ex should be a good thing not a bad thing. Do you want to date someone who has no feelings. The important thing is to be sure that its not anything more serious than "I used to love her, now I don't but I still care about her a bit".

[big10]

i agree to some extent, his emo side was what attracted me to him at the first place.

but what about having serious stable monogamous commited relationship?

i'm sure he cares for her and all exes, but i should be at the first place now. i'm obviously not. he's not contacting me for two days since this. i didn't even get an apology.

that tells a lot about what i was to him.

[vertigoxo]

I'd dump him if I were you. After all these years, he could have been always thinking what could be with his ex. Make it come true by dumping him and moving on to a guy without hang ups.

[big10]

i know it's quite obvious but i was never in this situation before and i have a big confusion. was i his rebound for 3 years?! was everything a lie?

[rach213]

Sorry accidentally typed my post in your thread!

[Ms Darcy]

No hon, I don't think everything he has had with you was a lie. I think he's probably conflicted inside and not being completely honest with you. I would not advise you to dump him at this time. Sit down and talk to him. Listen to what he says. Share your feelings. Take it from there.

[Maya_A]

I write poems for my lady all the time, but I would NEVER try and pass off a poem written for one woman as "all of a sudden written for someone else". 1st and most definitely a red flag.

 

Second red flag is that he continously wants to go to this place where his ex works.

 

Third red flag is him leaving you alone like that after you tried to talk to him about how you felt. Leaving someone you supposedly care about like that is a big deal breaker in that it doesnt promote feelings of security. Jealously is not the word I would use to describe how you feel about this. You were seriously disrespected by what he did, and you have a right to feel slighted/upset.

 

Agree very much with the above...

 

Though as Ms. Darcy says, I would attempt another talk where feelings are more calm on both parts, particularly since you've been with him so long.

 

Has he acted in that manner (up & leaving, ignoring your feelings, silent treatment) before, or regularly?

 

If he refuses to speak with you, or totally down-plays your concerns (blaming you), then I'd say that sadly, you may be wise to think about calling it a day on the relationship.

 

However, I hope it goes in a better way...

[Ms Darcy]

If he refuses to speak with you, or totally down-plays your concerns (blaming you), then I'd say that sadly, you may be wise to think about calling it a day on the relationship.

 

However, I hope it goes in a better way...

 

Good to see you Maya!

 

I agree with this advice too.

[big10]

Thanks everyone for helping! I have an update.

I called him, he didn't wanna answers me! Then I texted him to call me.

He said he ignored me for days because he though I was mad and didn't want to argue and he had enough. So we met. He said what he said about the song was a joke?! I didn't get it at all because he didn't look that way. He admitted it was a bad joke.

 

He said he didn't have feelings for her anymore and got really defensive and irritated, he was not calm at all like me, he couldn't even look me in the eye. He hated discusing it as he felt he had to admit something that was not true. He thought I was insecure and didn't understand why it bothered me.

I let him to decide whatever he wanted for him to be happy, breakup, friendship, whatever. He chose to stay.

The only thing i would like to know now was he sincere, as much as I trust him. I would like to know your opinion about his reaction.

[Maya_A]

Thanks Ms. Darcy And always a big ditto back to ya on that one!

[Maya_A]

The only thing i would like to know now was he sincere, as much as I trust him. I would like to know your opinion about his reaction.

 

 

Big10,

 

I'm always one to listen to my intuition, and yours seems to have been speaking to you throughout your conversation on this with him. Though he could have been uncomfortable about other things, like simply having to be expressive with his feelings.

 

I think he should quit talking about this bloomin' song all the time. Meaning you & he don't walk around singing it together anymore. Is he is a professional musician? You said something about him wanting to sing it (initially with you only) on his CD or something. If he is, he must have other songs.

 

I also think he should stop talking about his ex. completely to you (you say you've heard a lot about her) & stop going to where she works or hangs out.

 

Maybe these things will help you along with trusting in his comments...

 

Though you say he still doesn't understand how you feel & thinks you are being insecure -- so that may be a hurdle when it comes to the above....

 

Even if in the end he just doesn't "get it" (why it bothers you), hopefully in his own mind he can respect that it simply does, and not bring up anything related to her anymore, in any way.

 

Though it would bother me greatly that my bf thought I was being insecure in such a situation, even if he agreed not to discuss it.