wife doesn't trust me with our kids

[pl3asehelp]

In her words, I'm not 'vigilant' enough. We have an 18 month old son. She's constantly asking me when the last time I changed a diaper was, when the last time our son ate or had a snack, etc. If he falls outside and gets a scratch, it's my fault. If he gets a diaper rash, she accuses me of not having changed his diaper enough. She complains about the food I make him to eat. Basically, she questions every aspect of what I do to take care or our son.

 

I think I take great care of him, do my best and absolutely knock myself out. I'm changing diapers constantly, but if she ever catches him with a dirty diaper, she'll say I must not have changed it for 5 hours.

 

So naturally, when she questions me on all these things I'm sure I appear defensive because from my perspective I'm knocking myself out and I take great care of him.

 

We now have a 2 week old baby and despite the fact that I've been taking care of our 1.5 year old by myself this whole time, she's still been critical of me that I don't do enough for her. I've been making all the meals and doing all the cleaning (which I almost always do anyway), yet she still says I'm not there for her.

 

She hasn't been communicating with me about decisions about the new baby and when I told her that's how I felt, she went into a rage and packed her things and took the baby to her sisters house. She didn't like the tone I used to tell he I needed her to communicate with me about what we are doing with the baby. I didn't intend to offend her in any way and apologized and explained I didn't mean it to be mean.

 

I really feel like this is post-partum depression, which she had with our last kid as well, and that she way over-reacted. However, if she really feels I'm a neglectful parent and is always going to be checking up on me, I think this is a problem. It makes me feel disrespected, unappreciated, and like she just doesn't trust me. I feel I'm doing all I can and being a great parent in a difficult situation.

 

So now she's gone with our baby, while this is the last week of my paternity leave. What to do?

[avman]

Where is the 1 1/2 year old? Is he with your wife also? Or did she just take the baby with her?

[pl3asehelp]

Where is the 1 1/2 year old? Is he with your wife also? Or did she just take the baby with her?

 

Our 1.5 year old is in daycare, which we can't afford, but I agreed to do because my wife wanted that. The daycare is close to home, by me. I'll be picking him up later today.

[avman]

Hmmm. I think it's time you two did some couples counseling to improve your communication and get to the bottom of things. If it's postpartum depression a good counselor will pick up on that. If it were just her nitpicking your parenting I'd say to take a parenting class together and learn some techniques that both of you agree on. But I think this goes much deeper than that.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with avman - I think this is an issue which runs very, very deep.

 

I think you're right about the postpartum depression (my mum used to reckon it took about a year before you really got back on your feet again after having had a baby) and she'd also have become pregnant with the second child before really getting over the first birth.

 

But you also need some couples counselling, partly about communication, but it sounds as though she is a very anxious, controlling person and this won't be good for the children as they grow up. Let alone for your relationship or her own stress levels. It also sounds as though you both need plenty of emotional and practical support from outside the relationship, too.

 

It must be very difficult for you at the moment; you seem to be doing your best whilst meeting only criticism and lack of appreciation. What is her parents' relationship like? It's just that her responses don't seem to be based on here-and-now reality, and if her mother was continually critical of her father then she's likely to follow that pattern, regardless of the way her partner actually behaves. She may not even be aware of how she's treating you.

 

What to do right now? She's going to be needing a lot of support from you, but you're unlikely to be able to give it without some input from outside your relationship. Can you get together with a couple of friends, perhaps, just company who'll help you feel good about yourself? Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better before you contact her again. It's difficult to keep on giving when it's a completely one-way street.

[pl3asehelp]

My wife grew up with a physically abusive alcoholic father, so she's never had an example of what (I think) a real father looks like. Her mother was also very neglectful, pretty much just went out and drank and tried to meet men while my wife, the oldest of 3 daughters, stayed at home with her sisters. My wife had a hard time at that age and was abusive to her sisters, even had the police called on her for that before. My parents were both great when I was growing up, very supportive, my dad took an active role helping my mom, was at all my games, etc. I couldn't have asked for a better childhood. Neither of us has much outside support. The only family I have is my Mom, who lives 2000 miles away. I moved out here to CA to be with my wife and all we've done since is have babies and (I) work, so I haven't had much time to make friends busy with work and the kids.

 

My wife does have a lot of anxiety and has seen a counselor for it. Constantly worried about our son getting hurt or that someone will break into the house, really worries a lot. Her counselor helped ease that a bit, but we had to cut back on that because of money. Seems like it's just really escalated again.

 

I really feel like I have been supporting my wife, making all the meals, running our first kid back and forth to daycare and taking care of him in the evening. But how do I support her when she's just left? I've called to see if she made it there ok, but no response.

 

I feel like this is stuff that can all be worked through and I'm totally open to some counseling. I just feel like her running away like this with a 2 week old baby was a really drastic and destructive thing to do right now and makes it hard for me to know what to do next.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, your wife has some very deep issues. You can't help her with those, and I'd also guess that joining a support group like ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) would be as beneficial to her as counselling. And it's free.

 

However, as to what you do now - if you can, just leave a message to say that you love her, you're thinking of her and are there for her when she wants to contact you. Then just be nice to yourself in whatever ways are open to you right now.

[avman]

I would really recommend your wife continue counseling. Some counselors do a sliding scale where you only pay what you can afford by income. Many churches offer some counseling for free which may help too.

 

Give it a little bit of time for her to cool down and hopefully think through things a little better. Just take care of your toddler and see what things look like in a few days or a week. Then try to call and encourage her to talk to you calmly about things.

[pl3asehelp]

Thanks for your advice avman and nutbrownhare. This is really tough and I don't have many people to talk to about it. I was sure some outside perspective would help and it has.

[Lovelace]

My first thought is that she's acting like this is her first child. I've seen the change from normal, childless woman to panicking, fearing every freakin thing new mom. They usually mellow out after the first kid and a couple of years, but your wife doesn't seem to be mellowing.

 

More like, right now, she's looking for fault in you because you're someone she feels she can control and change- you can't control and change a newborn baby, and she isn't entirely feeling good herself yet, I'm sure.

 

Do your best And your wife needs to continue her counseling, and maybe her counselor can focus on the motherhood thing during their talks.

[pl3asehelp]

My first thought is that she's acting like this is her first child. I've seen the change from normal, childless woman to panicking, fearing every freakin thing new mom. They usually mellow out after the first kid and a couple of years, but your wife doesn't seem to be mellowing.

 

More like, right now, she's looking for fault in you because you're someone she feels she can control and change- you can't control and change a newborn baby, and she isn't entirely feeling good herself yet, I'm sure.

 

Do your best And your wife needs to continue her counseling, and maybe her counselor can focus on the motherhood thing during their talks.

 

Yeah, I do think I really need to urge her to continue her counseling. She didn't think it was helping her much, but the counselor is highly esteemed in postpartum issues specifically and I think it was helping. I know my wife felt like it was just a waste of time and money and the hassle to get there. She just doesn't seem happy and is constantly negative and critical, which I really just don't understand how she can think it's ok to be that way all the time. In all of her past relationships, she's always been the one to just take off and end it when things get tough. I'm scared she's going to continue this pattern. I'm going to ask her to go to couples counseling and continue her individual counseling.

 

She's also frequently sick in bed with a headache, I mean days at a time, and this has been her whole life. I've tried to encourage her to see someone about that too, as now it affects our whole family when she shuts herself in the bedroom for a few days. She says she's been to doctors about it and non have helped, so she's just given up and refuses to even tell her OB about it recently.

[3boys]

I suggest YOU call her OB and tell him/her about it because this sounds like postpartum depression (if not actual clinical depression or some other mental disorder if she did it before getting pregnant).

 

It sounds like she doesn't think SHE is the one with the problem, which would explain why she doesn't think counseling or doctors have helped. It sounds like she's clinically depressed, and the postpartum has simply exacerbated the symptoms. Spending days in bed with a headache could be migraines or simply an "excuse" to stay in bed due to the depression. I know from experience that it's easier to tell someone "I have a headache so I can't get out of bed" than it is to tell them "I can't get out of bed but I don't know why." Unfortunately, until she realizes she has a serious problem and wants to get help, there's not much you can do for her. Can you possibly talk to her sister or someone to try and convince her that she has a problem and needs to get some professional help? And probably more than just counseling?

[pl3asehelp]

I've been thinking the same thing, that she's just depressed in general, as it seemed that way before the babies. Now her sister is definitely clinically depressed and has attempted suicide several times, I really don't trust her and am not sure that she's the best person to get involved. So I spoke to my wife today and she's coming home tonight. Not much was said other than she's coming home and she didn't sound hostile or angry. I asked her if she come with if I made a couples counseling appointment with her former counselor and she agreed. I left a message with the counselor to get the appointment set up.

 

I really do think she has some long standing depression that she's always had. Just always has seemed unsatisfied or bored with everything. Likes to stay in the house, watch tv, loves to sleep a lot.

 

I really this couples counseling helps. I wonder if there's any way for me to talk to the counselor without my wife around to make sure my wife has been open and honest with her about her life. I just wonder if she has, given the resistance and lack of hope she used to show towards seeing the counselor. Or maybe that's not how counseling works - i can see it being like everything needs to come from the individual, not others like me making observations.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond, this has been really hard.

[3boys]

Some counselors also like to see the couple separately, but won't tell you what your wife said. I hope it works for you