I'm breaking so many rules...

[Belts]

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. At first it was very rough. Like most break-ups, it felt like something had been torn from me. The woman I loved was gone and so was everything we did together. She wanted to stay friends with me but it was very hard at first. I wanted to be her friend, too. We both loved each other deeply, and hated the thought of life without each other in it somehow. We went back and forth from fighting to trying to be friends to ignoring each other for about the first month after the break-up. We both cooled off and finally had some good talks and became friendly on a steady basis with each other for month 2 after the break-up. We would do things reminiscent of what we used to do, minus the girlfriend/boyfriend stuff. We would however still flirt on occasion, which began to make things weird for me, since it wasn't going anywhere. I finally brought the weirdness up with her and she said she could feel it to and asked me what we should do. After a long convo of beating around the bush, we both admitted we were still sexually attracted to each other.

 

Now, we didn't just rush right in. We agreed that we would just stay friends and only spoke of doing it one time. We didn't plan to make it into a habit, if you will. So, yeah, we did it, and it was amazing. It always was amazing, and it still is. I wouldn't say it's better or worse. I was unaware as to how exactly we would deal with it. I went to her house figuring it would just happen and we'd carry on, but it felt a lot more like it used to. There was much cuddling and kissing going on before and after the act, and it was not initiated by yours' truly. I was surprised she was so into it. She was very affectionate, and it didn't just seem like something that was dirty and wrong. It felt like the love was still there. And yes, we've told each other we still love each other, but in a general sense of the term. It's not something we just say to each other now. Anyway, she told me I'm still the best she's ever had, and that it's very hard for her to find someone new, because I was so great to her on every level.

 

I had myself well prepared to walk away from this encounter as the possible last time. A month ago, I would too emotionally unstable to deal with this, but I figured I could handle it by now. Everything else had seemed to smooth out, so why not? I fully expected my ex to also view this as a one-time deal. She made it clear before we did it that she didn't want me to get attached... This was all about 3 weeks ago, and we've "met up" like this 3 more times. This has all been initiated my her, and taken me by surprise. She gives me much bigger hugs now than she did between our break-up and the platonic friendship ended. She kisses me every time I see her, even if we don't have sex. I don't mean simple friend kisses, either, I mean long soft come back for more kisses.

 

I guess I'm a little confused by all this. I am going to her house tomorrow night for another excursion into the bed, and I'm just a bit bewildered. I didn't see myself in this position at all. I thought she would want nothing to do with me again. Even when we did decide we would have friend-sex, SHE said that we can't get carried away. Now, she's the one kissing me and allowing more sex to happen. We're both enjoying it, I just am afraid of where it's going. I wouldn't mind if it led us back into a relationship. She's a great girl. But I doubt it will head that way. I think it's either gonna fade back out, or come to an abrupt halt.

 

I know I am breaking so many of the rules of this site by putting myself into the situation I am in, but I figured I'd post it here anyway. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm gonna get; "You're setting yourself up for more heart-ache", "Sex with an ex is a big mistake", "You should have gone NC", "It's never too late for NC"... but I guess I'm interested in more in depth responses or opinions on my situation.

 

P.S. - To all the NC folk. I know your plan works wonders, but at this point I don't have any gripes with my ex, and I enjoy our time together. I will use this if I have to, but it's not helpful to me at this time. "Yes it is" you say. It is not because my ex has proven to me time and again that she still sees me as someone special although things don't work out for us relationship wise at the moment. I feel that it would be cruel and unnecessary to cut her off at this point.

[waveseer]

It depends on how much it bothers you or hinders your progress. If it's not a problem, then you don't have a problem. On the other hand, if you are feeling "good enough for sex and affection but not for an official relationship" then you may indeed have a problem which needs to be addressed.

[Belts]

It depends on how much it bothers you or hinders your progress. If it's not a problem, then you don't have a problem. On the other hand, if you are feeling "good enough for sex and affection but not for an official relationship" then you may indeed have a problem which needs to be addressed.

 

That's her problem. I'd take a relationship, but to her she's not ready for one. That's fine with me. I guess the one thing I do need advice on is how should I ask her about her other sexual partners. She told me about a week ago that I'm the only one she's been seeing like this, but I do know she isn't opposed to other opportunities. This also doesn't bother me. She is single, so who's to stop her? I just feel like I should know when it happens, ya know, when she starts seeing someone else like she is seeing me. I have my standards, and I like to know what... I'm getting into... >.> I feel like I should bring this up with her, but I don't want to offend, ya know?

[waveseer]

I don't see anything wrong with letting her know that while you enjoy having sex with her, you'd rather not have sex by proxy with any future partner she may have.

[WockaWocka]

That's her problem. I'd take a relationship, but to her she's not ready for one. That's fine with me.

 

If you _truly_ have no problem with the mixed messages she's sending and would be fine if it ended tomorrow, then I'd say enjoy it while it lasts. You sound a bit conflicted though and it might not be a bad idea to halt the physical affection next time until you have a conversation about what is happening. Because you shouldn't accept a demotion (to friend with benefits) in the hopes that you will get a promotion back to being her BF.

 

I guess the one thing I do need advice on is how should I ask her about her other sexual partners.

 

This is about your health and safety so I'd advise you to ask her very directly if she's sleeping with other guys. (You can couch it in terms if you want to, but don't feel like you have to dance around the issue). Tell her you expect that if and when she starts sleeping with other guys she will let you know right away so you can decide whether to proceed or not. If she gets defensive just remind her that you want to just make sure that you protect your health and it seemed important to clarify.

 

Good luck.