Never ending break-up....PLEASE ADVISE!

[dave_1966]

You may have read this on another forum, but this site has been excellent reading matter for me to come to terms with what I've been through over the last 3 or so months. This is a bit long-winded, but I'd appreciate any advice. Until just before Christmas I was conducting a long distance relationship with a young woman from my home town, but she was studying miles up north. I'm 34, she's 22 but I didn't feel the age gap that much on account I'm still into all the same things that I was in to when I was 22 (music, going out to bars, etc). Plus, I look very young for my age anyway. We were getting along fine for the previous 3 years, alternating at staying at each other places at weekends. Last summer she stayed at my place, we went on holiday and had a lovely time. I'm self employed and work in a very competitive industry tied very closely to the economy, and with all the bad stuff happening at the time in the world I found myself in a position where I wasn't as busy as much as I'd like to be and I was concerned that companies that owed me money might go under without paying me, etc. So, I was naturally stressed, which led me to being somewhat distracted from keeping the relationship, shall we say, healthy.....

 

I was thinking really long term with this girl, despite her age, and planned to trade my flat for a nice house upon her leaving Uni, where we could both live happily ever after. I had always been faithful to her and loved her immensely, despite her mother having a problem with the age gap and making it painfully clear.

 

So imagine my surprise when just before Christmas she calls me and says we're not an item anymore. It felt like being hit with a sledgehammer in the stomach. I instantly thought no new year together, no more holidays together, no future together. I'd lost my lover and best friend, and my world had caved in. I ended up at the doctors, and was in a bad way. One of my pals was going abroad on business, and he suggested I go along with him to help get myself together. At the airport my "gf"calls to say that it's only a temporary break, and that it's only for a couple of months so she can get her work done,blah blah blah. Being a mature guy, I did not believe this bs for a minute and drove miles up north the following weekend to collect my stuff from her place. I was prepared to leave it at that.

 

After new year I did not call her so not to distract her from her finals, and to get myself in shape. However, I was treated to a barrage of calls from her blaming me for the situation. It struck me that when she missed things about us, I had to prop her up but I got nothing in return. In fact on one occasion when I called her I was told that I was "making it difficult for myself". I told her to stop calling me, as it was doing nobody any favours and she continued to call at all hours repeatedly.

 

Then, a month or so ago (mid feb), the calls died down to a trickle and I sensed relief at last. My heartbreak was over the worst, and life could move on again. Unfortuneatly, a week or so later in a moment of weakness I sent her a letter explaining why I missed her, and wishing her the best for her future. She called me back, to say that she missed me too. I asked her if there was anybody else in her life, and she said not really, just a guy she'd had a few drinks with (mmm...). Having had the time to calm down, I suggested we meet up at the weekend face to face to see if we still had feelings for each other. I did this on the basis that my time with her had been the happiest of my life and the meeting would finalize things one way or another. She agreed to meet, but then a couple of days later decided against it saying that she had other plans to go out with the girls that night. I told her that answered everything I needed to know, end of story, no tears, etc. She then calls the next day to ask what time I'm coming up!

 

I said that I wouldn't be. The following Monday I get a call off her, she's in tears apologising for everything. I call her back that evening and she's not around, and she eventually calls 3 days later.

 

Now, this is the point of all this, we ended 3 months ago and tonight she's called me AGAIN to tell me she loves me and is missing me, but in the same breath she tells me that she's been sleeping for a month with a builder that she met in the bar where she works. She hasn't any feelings for him and keeps thinking of me all the time but doesn't know if it could ever work out between us again. I thought that this put the question of me seeing her a couple of weeks ago in to context, that she was busy having casual sex with a guy she'd met at the bar. It hurt me to think of her being with this guy after a relatively short ammount of time.I commented that it would take me more than a couple of months for me to be ready to sleep with someone again after being in a committed relationship for three years, before telling her to stop calling me for good. Do i have the right to be upset when she slept with this guy after she'd finished with me, and was I right to tell her to stop calling me for good?

 

Any advice appreciated, it's difficult being strong sometimes.

[TearsofaDragon20]

Hey dave good to know that you joined Enotalone.com. well it seems kind of the scenrio that i had dave. where the GF calls up and says the famous words that can kill a guy, thing is dave i went through something like that. but it was a transition in 3 days out of a 15 and a half month relationship. you have all the right in the world to be feeling the way you are. it takes through stages: Depression, empty hope, anger, then the long waited getting over her. so dont think you are doing anything wrong. it look like to me that she obviously moved on with her life by sleeping around with someone else, and leaving you in her dust. BUT DAVE DONT LET HER HAVE THE LAST WORD!!!! dont let her do that to you. you can take only so much till you break, and when you get to that breaking point it only gets worse day by day. so cut all the ties off from her. dont have those high hopes that you cant get any expectations from. because what happens when you have big dreams but nothing to show for it, you get nothing at all. and you dont want that. dont worry there are always girls out there dave. heck if someone had pounded that into my head into the beginning i wouldnt be so hard on myself and depressed. no one likes to be in that dark hole and wouldnt want to stay there. so forget her! if she dropped you just like that then you have nothing left to say to her, or give. so here is the new life that you'll have now. she's no longer a concern anymore. she's playing head games that any man hates (unless you like them then go for it) but dont give into what she is doing. next time let everything come out and let her know that you are moving on and you dont want to keep the ties that are holding you back. so cut them all off if you feel that you dont want them. thats what i had to do and you know what it will makes things alot better. it will hurt to tell her all those things but it will make the process will will be more "defined" and you will see it clearer. well dave you have alot to think and it wont be easy, heck it's not easy now and thats understandble. but moving on is the best thing you can do, rather than doing nothing. well dave take care and i hoped i helped some. Later.

[Gilgamesh]

I'll just give my opinion bluntly, forget about her, move on, she is not ready for commitment, and she will just hurt you worse in the future.

 

She lied to you, and basically cheated on you, she used you as a security net, and your always second or third place on her priority list.

 

She is not marriage matterial, your young and count your blessings you didnt waste more time with this girl. I didnt find out my girl was not ready for commitment until after 4 years! and just a couple weeks after taling about marriage that she brought up!

 

So close that door, move forward, you will find a girl that is more emotionally mature. her age has nothing to do with it, some girls at 22 are more mature than one at 33, but for the most part by their 30s like most men, generally start becoming a little more mature and commitment minded and stop playing head games.

[simulacra]

You sound like a very level-headed guy and I think your actions are very appropriate (not overreacting). You know that she is not someone you can respect or value as you once did and you're just making that clear to her in a mature manner. I don't see any coldness or inconsideration on your part. She hurt you and it is only natural that you protect yourself and put your energies to other things and other people in your life that are worth your time.

[dave_1966]

Thanks for the advice guys. I never thought it possible to hurt as much as I've hurt over the last few months, that last call about the other guy was a killer. She tried to call a few times afterwards for a couple of days, and I wouldn't take the call. This behaviour is just disruptive to my life and affects my work and everything. I worry that if I meet a nice new girl and bring her back to my apartment that the calls will also scare any new girl off. I finally got a sms off my ex pleading with me to "spare her 5 minutes of my time and talk to her". She's had 3 or 4 months to plead with me, so I replied with a message that said that I've got nothing to say to her and that if her calls persisted I would go to the police to have her cautioned. I figured that she was pleading for me to not tell her brother anything, for fear of her screwing this builder getting back to her nice middle class folks, who would be mad at her doing all this during her finals. I've already told her brother everything. Anyway, I have no intention of contacting her at all, and she hasn't been trying to ring now for 4 or so days. Funny thing is though is that I feel I've dealt with this correctly, but that if she calls me at a moment of weakness I'll take the call and be back to square one again. I sometimes feel that if she wanted to get back with me, what would she have to do to make it acceptible? (if indeed her behaviour is ever forgivable). It's just funny how your mind works at times like these......

[simulacra]

I personally would not go back under any circumstances. I don't think I could love the person in the same matter after something like that.

[dave_1966]

Simulacra, I think you're probably quite right. She called Wednesday PM, disguising her number (she's obviously figured I invested in a really good caller ID display). I thought it was a work call, but heard her saying "Dave, don't put the phone down I really need to talk to you...." I didn't have the strengh to put the phone down, which I find a real weakness on my behalf. She was crying and saying how much she loves me, that the way she's treated me has been awful, and that she regrets everything and how can we ever return to what we had. I listened with interest, as it was the first time I've heard her actually apologise. I told her to return to what we had before Xmas would take such a massive effort from her behalf that I didn't think it possible, and ALL the effort would have to come from her (don't worry, I'm not expecting her to). I told her that I was also actively looking to date other women, as I'm beginning to make myself quite busy socially. This seemed to really anger her, to which I said she had no right to be in light of the builder she met. I also accused her of calling to make herself feel better, and not me. Her moods swing from call to call, and if she calls again I'll listen to her for 2 minutes max. If I don't like the tone of it, I'll hang up and never listen to her again (honest). At least she seems to regret it though.....

[dave_1966]

Well, the saga continues.....I'm at work yesterday and I get a call from her about some re-directed mail, and i ask her if that's the actual reason she's calling. She says no, and asks if we can be friends. I tell her that it's not the most convenient time to talk, and that in the light of everything that's happened it would be very difficult to be friends. Later I'm in a bar watching the barmaids being chatted up by some builders, and decide to send my ex a message describing what I'm watching, and adding that friendship is not possible. It still hurts me after several weeks. She replied with 'fine...I'm sorry' and I thought it best left at that. But literally, 5 mins ago, I get another message saying 'that was a pathetic text message off you yesterday". I don't understand what she's playing at, anybody got any ideas and how I should react? This is driving me mad, I loved that girl to bits but she put me through absolute hell. I would love to know if it's possible to get back to how we were, but I keep thinking of her with this other guy grunting away on top of her....and it's awful. Where before I trusted her entirely, I now doubt if I could ever trust her again....anybody got some informed advice?

[simulacra]

Ignore her. Move on. Maybe next time she calls, you do the talking. Let her know that it has been really hard for you during this whole time. Tell her she needs to be fair to you and to leave you alone now. It will be better for the both of you in the long run. If she hasn't learned her lesson by now, you will not be the one who will show her the meaning of commitment and honesty in a relationship. As hard as that is to accept at this point, you will feel abundantly better later on... and when you do find yourself in your next committed relationship, you'll be twice as happy.

[dave_1966]

Thanks simulacra. Well, my May 1st was OK up to the point where my ex decided to call. I could not believe it, she calls up saying that she got up this morning and looked at some photos of us from last summer. She was saying how she found this all very difficult, to which I actually told her that the way she finished with me after 3 yrs was disgusting and that the only reason she calls is to make herself feel better. Not to apologise, see how I am, arrange to meet face to face etc. I also pointed out that if her thing with the builder had worked out I wouldn't even be getting this call. I told her that I'd put up with months of these calls and was not going to put up with any more, and that if she wanted to meet I would meet her on the weekend and that she would have to travel down to see me. I told her that if she wasn't willing to do this then I would arrange to have all her phone numbers blocked. After 2 hours of phone conversation she says she'll think about it (meaning get some advice off whatever friend of hers advises her on this issue) So, guess what.....she calls back shortly afterwards and says she's not going to meet up, which was not a surprise, and I tell her that proves my point. So I called the phone company and have arranged for a really sophisticated call barring system to be switched on my land line tomorrow....which leaves my mobile open to her but I'll get to that problem when it arises. So, what do you think of that? I've had enough......